(This post was written on the spur of the moment, completely unpolished).
I’ve gone and done it again! Just when I thought I couldn’t make things any worse; just when I thought I was getting it right…NOOOOO, I’ve fucked up again!
I’ve told – shhh – I should’ve kept quiet – just like before – just like all the times before – I’ve gone and hurt someone I love; the person who probably means the most to me in all the world – my Mum. I told – I told – I should have kept it to myself. I’m a grown woman, not a young child – I ought to know better – I ought to have known better. It’s too late now. I’ve said it – there – it’s said – Oh! The shame!
I told my Mum about my recent assault – I’d left it two weeks before I told her for fear of upsetting her, but now it seems that I have done more damage than good by leaving it that long. It’s just like before – just like all those other times – I shouldn’t have told her. What is the matter with me? Am I totally stupid, or what? Yes, apparently, it seems that I am.
I felt I had to hide it. I felt I had to hide the shame – like all those times before when I got abused. Now, I’m a grown-up, I should know better. She can’t understand why I didn’t tell her before. I couldn’t – I just couldn’t. It’s been ingrained into my brain, ‘not to tell’. When I told her of my child abuse as an adult many years ago, she didn’t believe me and perhaps didn’t want to believe me. Maybe, it hurt too much to admit it to herself, particularly as it was my father.
She’s so hurt that I kept it from her whilst ‘pretending’ and appearing to be alright and okay on the outside. I wasn’t okay – truly – I was not okay. I was screaming in the silence. I’ve hurt my Mum and I was trying to protect her. How do I ever apologise enough for the pain I’ve caused her? I’m so sorry, Mum; I’m truly sorry. How can I undo the damage I have caused? How can sorry ever be enough?
I should have stayed silent – the sound of silence is infinitely better than the sound of betrayal of trust – my own Mother can no longer trust me to be truthful with her; to be honest. How can I ever put that one right? I could weep tears for the damage I’ve done it now and there’s nothing I can do to turn back the hands of time to do it all differently. I should have kept quiet. I prefer the sound of silence to the sound of pain. Forgive me, my Mother, forgive me, please. I’ve fucked up again.
(Image courtesy of Henry Fuseli)
4 thoughts on “THE SOUND OF SILENCE”
I think you’re being far too hard on yourself … and although she is your mom … and perhaps I have no say in the matter …. but you know …. you are reacting and behaving at “her bequest” … this is ABOUT YOU …. not her …… if she feels that she can’t trust YOU know … well, Ellie, sorry to sound “cold” about it …. but that is HER problem …. WE can’t control how others respond or act …. all we can do is take care of ourselves ….. and for whatever reasons you initially decided NOT to share … if she or any one else can not be supportive of you … well … Ellie … sad to say … but this is manipulation.
Instead of focusing care and concern for you – your mother has made YOU feel ashamed and guilty … and this isn’t what this is about …. at all.
I hope you see and realize this …. because TRUST is a two-way street …. and all your mother has done, in this act, is continue HER cycle of denial and guilt, shame? whatever …. which in turn TRIGGERS your cycle of trying to please and be the perfect little girl …. (who clearly, through NO FAULT of YOUR OWN) you weren’t …. and now …. as an adult …. are not.
Please stop beating yourself up over this Ellie …. you deserve far better than this …. respect and love.
Dear Pat, it is easier to see my situation from the outside, looking in which you have shared and which I have since been working on doing since writing this and my following post. You make some real sense, as you usually do when I read your comments. I admit that I do find it difficult not to consistently be ‘the good girl’
I had a long conversation with my mum last night and I managed to talk about the issues around both this incident and how my and her reactions are a reflection of what has been in the past. We straightened a lot out and it felt a real relief to be able to be open and honest with her after all this time. We spoke as two adults together, not as ‘mother and child’. (We talked for so long that the batteries on the phone died!). I said that I would ring again today to continue the conversation (which I believe strongly will turn out to be very beneficial to both her and me).
Thank you so much, Pat. I needed ‘pulling to my senses’ so to speak 🙂 and I actually feel better now I have dealt with or am dealing with a difficult situation.
Much Love to you, Pat. Hugs too, Ellie xxx ❤
Oh Ellie …. I am so glad that you have made a breakthrough with your Mum – that makes me feel so much better … I kept thinking …. gee … I was too harsh in my comment …. too hurtful … but sometimes it’s the tough friends who will stick by you the most, eh?
At any rate, you know I would never deliberately say anything to upset you in a mean or cruel fashion.
But I am glad that finally, you are beginning to heal the rift …. and there is understanding and love shared …. so yes, hugs to you both Ellie. And I pray it continues to be something that really helps the both of you.
Thanks, Pat. I know that you care, and thanks for sticking by me xxx