STRONGER THAN THIS …

broken chain

I thought I was stronger than this but I’m crumbling albeit slowly but very definitely, nevertheless. Little pieces of me are starting to fall and land at my feet like stones tumbling down a mountainside. My head feels as if it is less firmly rooted on my spine than it ought to be and as if all that is holding it there is a piece of stretched knitting yarn. My vision has now become blurred and my eyesight, dim. My skin falls in flakes around me on the floor giving the appearance of a light snow storm on the mid blue carpet, and my hair has become thinner in places, exposing patches of a shiny white scalp beneath.

I didn’t think it was possible for a human being to disintegrate before their own eyes, or perhaps I’m only just on the outside looking inwards. Is there is fur in my arteries and knots in my veins? The tendons of my limbs contract uncontrollably and my bones crack, oh, so painfully. My brain cells are diminishing in number as the clock on the kitchen wall ticks the seconds away. “Why is this happening to me?”, what few of them I have left are screaming at me.

“This punishment”, I hear calling from the distance; “this is happening to you because you are inherently evil”, a voice reverberates through my mind. The words etched in each ripple of thought that flows from the centre of my skull.

I wake in the night, screaming for some crumb of comfort that is no longer there or available. I realize that I am alone, completely and utterly alone in the pitch black night. It’s cold, and I am shivering as I grasp at my red fleece blanket that covers the duvet that has slipped from my bed to the floor.

I find myself thinking back on the day that has just past – it has been a nightmare. My mum had her ultrasound scan today that has showed her cancer has returned – I’m the only one she has told so far tonight; she is in a state of shock and I am utterly devastated. The hospital is reluctant to try chemo or radiotherapy given my mum’s age and vulnerable state of general health.

My dear son, Tom, returned earlier today from his first holiday away with his children alone only to find that burglars have got into his home. We don’t know the full scale of the losses or damage done to the property and its contents yet but it is heartbreaking.

My best friend has quite unexpectedly, and unjustly lost her job and her union are claiming for unfair dismissal.

My daughter hasn’t spoken to me since my recent assault and I can’t find out why. I’m also still waiting for support from the Victim Support Agency but have heard nothing since the attack and am not coping very well.

I have had to pay for a new pair of glasses this week and am now unable to pay the mortgage this month but that is the least of my worries.

I just want to scream, “Stop the world; I want to get off”, but that would be selfish of me. My support (for what it is worth), is much needed by my loved ones around me at a time like this and I tell myself, “I thought I was stronger than this, but I am crumbling….”

It is dark in my bedroom – I reach for the light somehow hoping that all this will have been a bad dream. I am cold. I am alone. I am very scared.