I thought I was stronger than this but I’m crumbling albeit slowly but very definitely, nevertheless. Little pieces of me are starting to fall and land at my feet like stones tumbling down a mountainside. My head feels as if it is less firmly rooted on my spine than it ought to be and as if all that is holding it there is a piece of stretched knitting yarn. My vision has now become blurred and my eyesight, dim. My skin falls in flakes around me on the floor giving the appearance of a light snow storm on the mid blue carpet, and my hair has become thinner in places, exposing patches of a shiny white scalp beneath.
I didn’t think it was possible for a human being to disintegrate before their own eyes, or perhaps I’m only just on the outside looking inwards. Is there is fur in my arteries and knots in my veins? The tendons of my limbs contract uncontrollably and my bones crack, oh, so painfully. My brain cells are diminishing in number as the clock on the kitchen wall ticks the seconds away. “Why is this happening to me?”, what few of them I have left are screaming at me.
“This punishment”, I hear calling from the distance; “this is happening to you because you are inherently evil”, a voice reverberates through my mind. The words etched in each ripple of thought that flows from the centre of my skull.
I wake in the night, screaming for some crumb of comfort that is no longer there or available. I realize that I am alone, completely and utterly alone in the pitch black night. It’s cold, and I am shivering as I grasp at my red fleece blanket that covers the duvet that has slipped from my bed to the floor.
I find myself thinking back on the day that has just past – it has been a nightmare. My mum had her ultrasound scan today that has showed her cancer has returned – I’m the only one she has told so far tonight; she is in a state of shock and I am utterly devastated. The hospital is reluctant to try chemo or radiotherapy given my mum’s age and vulnerable state of general health.
My dear son, Tom, returned earlier today from his first holiday away with his children alone only to find that burglars have got into his home. We don’t know the full scale of the losses or damage done to the property and its contents yet but it is heartbreaking.
My best friend has quite unexpectedly, and unjustly lost her job and her union are claiming for unfair dismissal.
My daughter hasn’t spoken to me since my recent assault and I can’t find out why. I’m also still waiting for support from the Victim Support Agency but have heard nothing since the attack and am not coping very well.
I have had to pay for a new pair of glasses this week and am now unable to pay the mortgage this month but that is the least of my worries.
I just want to scream, “Stop the world; I want to get off”, but that would be selfish of me. My support (for what it is worth), is much needed by my loved ones around me at a time like this and I tell myself, “I thought I was stronger than this, but I am crumbling….”
It is dark in my bedroom – I reach for the light somehow hoping that all this will have been a bad dream. I am cold. I am alone. I am very scared.
10 thoughts on “STRONGER THAN THIS …”
Hang on! There are so many of us in my system who wish we could wrap you up in a bulletproof blanket and just hide you. Its those of us who take on the problems of the world…forging new territory and happily running to the rescue, but who rescues us when we crash and burn? Whats more, who will be around to help if you are gone? My dear friend, there is safe ground for us. A special place inside with enough room for each part. A place where much needed rest can be had, where laughter and joy is normal. Where comradery and teamwork will become everyday…we may not have been born into a fair world…but inside there is always hope and magic. Our hearts ache for you. Im sending you some fairy dust from our world to get u started on urs******. Hope this helps💕
Oh, bless you, b. You are so loving and kind <3. Thank you for helping to give me faith to believe that goodness does still exist inside me. You have a great understanding and a very loving heart which means so very much to me, especially at the moment. Thank you for the fairy dust. It has been gratefully received and it is beautiful. I will treasure it always. Hugs to you all, Ellie xxx
P.S. none of us are strong 100% of the time, not even our toughest protectors (they would never admit it but its true) and its ok. 😘
Agreed! We cant all be strong all of the time and you certainly have plenty of reason not to be strong! Sending hugs from all of us elie, we love you and want you to feel safe! Take gentle care of yous ok? XXX Carol anne
Thank you too, Carol anne, Your love and hugs are much appreciated and I am sending hugs too, to all of you. Take care of yourselves, Ellie xxx
Thank you xxx
Allow your self the moments you need – you need to accept your fears … of losing your mind … of losing faith … of losing hope …. of just all together losing it ….. it seems to me … the longer we deny our true feelings, the worse it becomes …. especially when we say “we need to be strong for everyone else” …. and yeah, Ellie … it really does seem like all the crap in the world is raining down in your corner …. but ahem … everyone else’s problems are not your personal responsibility …. you are your first and foremost responsibility.
Tom will get over the unfortunate and horrible burglary …. at least he had hols with his kids …. not being able to reach your daughter since your assault? SHE doesn’t want to speak with You? Tough on her. Let her be Ellie. (She has never been supportive about your past before – just because all of this horrible business with Tom and his family/kids has brought you 3 closer together … well … it doesn’t “make everything right” … so let it lie …. for your sake.) As for your mum …. I’m sorry to hear about the bad news ….. always a shock …. but now its time to step back and absorb and prepare … for whatever …. because “no one knows when our time is up” …. No One. So, one day at a time. And allow yourself the space and headspace you need to feel all you are feeling.
And then …. remember … you ARE strong ….. incredibly strong …. intelligent beautiful giving generous compassionate and an inspiration to others …. and you can only be the “you” – the beautiful you – as you are – if you allow yourself to acknowledge the hurts, the pain and the fears …. BUT REMEMBER – YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHOOSE TO LIVE “THERE” ( no, I wasn’t shouting, promise – and yeah, I understand, because sometimes, in the midst of all the hell, it feels better to stay in the “dark.”)
Sending you light, love and prayers Ellie xxx
You always make so much sense both from an emotional viewpoint and a practical one. You are right in saying that ‘I don’t have to live there’ in the midst of the turmoil and heartache. I definitely don’t want to live in the dark so need to come at all this, which feels like chaos, from a different place. I need to focus on the positive things in my life as well as acknowledging the negative stuff.
I’ve just started doing art therapy that I think will also really help me to deal with some of my issues and explore more of my feelings in a safe and healthy way. I do find it therapeutic.
Thank you for reminding me that I am strong – I guess it has always been a case of having to be, but I think, perhaps, I have learned from that although not always in an easy way. Your encouragement, love, and prayers are very welcome and appreciated without a doubt.
Sending my love and many hugs, your way, Ellie xxx ❤
Thanks for leaving a comment on my post today. Although, I haven’t written to this blog before, I think I may have heard something before about your recent problems. I’m very sorry about the awful time you’ve been having lately. Any one of the issues you mentioned would be hard enough to cope with, but having them happen all together like that seems like fate is being spiteful.
I’ve read through a number of your other posts here and I feel I have a deeper understanding of at least some of the hardships you’ve had to cope with in life. it’s clear that, despite what you say, you must be a person with a great deal of inner strength. You always do your best to be kind to others and to make the world a better place, and that’s a trait I very much admire in any person.
Wishing you all the best as always,
Thank so much for your kind and understanding comments. They mean a lot to me. It’s strange, I guess, to know the real side of me but I have taken the liberty of emailing you to explain things better. Love Ellie x