God … I am so confusing at times. And perhaps that statement is confusing in itself. Is this my exasperation speaking or is it my faith?
I am aware that I have written about two strongly opposing sets of feelings or opinions within two blog posts and only two weeks apart – one spoken of in ‘A Stronger Woman (I Will Rise)’, and later in ‘Forgiveness (A Different Tack)’ and this may cause you confusion and irritation. If you find it difficult, stop and imagine how difficult it is for me as the thinker of these thoughts.
I’ve mentioned previously, I have a tendency towards impulsivity, caused mainly by my BPD although I don’t entirely blame my mental health status. As my son so rightly put it, “we’re all responsible for our own actions”, whether they be wise or foolish, and mine, more often than not, when made in haste are the latter. I have a penchant for opening my big mouth, wide and then sticking my size four foot right in it.
I wrote that first post when I was extremely enraged, almost to the point of being murderous. I don’t regret anything I said: Nor do I regret anything about my second post. In fact, it did at least, give me some peace in thinking about handing it over to God.
However, I often write, late at night; publish it and then wake up in the morning thinking, “perhaps, I should have slept on that overnight”. The same thing applies when I am trawling through the Amazon website before I go to bed – (this is asking for trouble as I usually hit the ‘Buy with one-click’ button as readily as I hit the ‘Publish’ button). Not always a good idea. At least with Amazon, if I order yet another CD when my CD player no longer functions (and I’ve yet to grasp the concept of MP3 players, i-Pods etc with or without docking stations), I can send it back to Amazon whereas it’s very difficult to suck back in a post that I’ve launched into the WordPress ether.
I realise that adding this extra post may cause even more confusion and perhaps I shouldn’t have started this conversation in the first place. Oh, God … I am so confusing at times. But, am I speaking to God and expressing my concern about my behaviour or, or am I just at my wit’s end and crying out to the world in my vexation? Or, am I just whittling on about something of absolutely no interest to anyone other than myself and do I now dare press the Publish button?
On the other hand, there is that new CD of my favourite band that I’ve been wanting, reduced from $18.99 to only $9.99 on Amazon – and it’s free delivery….
Essentially Ellie 
sometimes, when we feel so intensely about things, we do act on “impulse” – and perhaps later think “uh oh” – but you know, once it’s “out there” it is out there – and in some ways – it just might be better to “own” that – rather than having it eat you alive; now of course, the “publish” button – well I think it often is because we need an audience – of someone – to read – to understand – so that we feel less alone, crazy, furious, confused, hurt …..
and so yes – perhaps perhaps perhaps …. but in my books – I’d rather say what I mean and mean what I say – even if I come across as confused or confusing or have to try to build fences or mend bridges, if warranted.
And yes, your son is right – each decision is up to us – which may not be the easiest when mental health issues might tip what otherwise be a more “neutral” approach – but that is just another “x” factor in the mix – and since you are aware of yourself, your moods and all – and are owner of them – and aware – it seems to me you behave in a reasonable means.
So yeah – confused? confusing? happy? elated? frustrated? ranting mad? silly? in need of a voice to share? an audience to let you know you’re not the only one is the world …. it’s all good, yes 😀
Thank you so much for your reassurance, Pat. Your second paragraph, I do certainly agree with as when I write and publish, it is my honest feelings as they are at that moment and without a doubt, I say what I mean all be it perhaps carefully worded.
Mental health issues do sometimes cloud my approach, depending on how my head is ‘working’ that day. At the moment, I am struggling a bit and may publish a piece on my view of BPD. However, equally, I know that I could be feeling fine and ‘ok’ again within a matter of minutes, hours or days and that changes my whole mood and outlook on life, especially my own life.
Yes … confused; confusing; ranting; daft – I guess sometimes I guess it’s healthy to have a little bit of everything in the mix. ‘In need of a voice to share’? Yes, definitely now I want to be heard and not ‘shut up’ by those in society who are have tried to control me in my past.
Thanks for being there to listen to my rants etc. Hugs, Ellie xxx
always – and if I say “with pleasure” – it is because I care and, of course, are not happy about what traumas you are living – but … friends are friends … through it all -no judgements no reservations …. 😀
hugs Ellie
xxx
Pat
Thanks, Pat. Many more hugs, Ellie xxx ❤
Dont forget this is your blog. You should feel free to write as you choose no questions asked! Your regular readers will stick by you no matter what. XX
Thank you, Carol anne, for your reassurance – I do need that sometimes as I’m not always sure of myself. Hugs, Ellie xxx
I know your BPD must be a bit of a drag for you at times. On the other hand, though, I don’t think there is anything particularly strange about writing two posts back to back that take very different slants regarding the same issue. The expression “to be in two minds about something” exists because that’s how people often feel when the have a very big issue to consider.
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve debated with myself about whether I should take course of action A or course of action B. I’ll almost convince myself of one, and then I’ll remember all the bad points and the possible implications and decide the other way must be right. If I’d happened to write blog posts in the middle of this process, they would be much like yours, I have no doubt.
In fact, very few major decisions are completely clean and easy, with one the positive consequences lining up behind one choice and all the negative ones behind another. It makes a lot of sense that we spend a lot of time arguing with ourselves about what to do beforehand.
Hi, Bun. Thanks for replying with such understanding. You have an interesting and accurate perspective – ‘to be in two minds’. That’s very appropriate wording about a lesser known side of BPD and I find your comment rather comforting in a funny sort of way.
I’m thinking about writing a post about my view and perception of living with BPD although by no means do I intend to write an ‘alas, poor Yorick’ post; more what life is like living in my head when it’s not on its best behaviour! x 🙂
It would be interesting to read it, Ellie. I checked BPD on Google when you mentioned in before, but their description is of course rather medical. It’s hard to imagine what it actually means for the individual concerned. An “alas, poor Yorick” post might not be too bad as long as you write it in iambic pentameter