This is just an immature little ditty that was all that I could muster tonight, having wanted and needed to come up with something a bit more intelligent to express my feelings. I failed abysmally. My BPD and my mental health are totally unpredictable just lately. I hate it when it’s like that because I’ve just had another of those days where I just want to take a gun to my head …
Is everyone alright
if I give up the fight
just ‘cos I’m tired
of hurting tonight
I’m just having a ball
when I’m playing the fool
whilst I laugh through the pain
Look! I’m good at it all
So, you think it’s not true
that I’m feeling so blue
I’ll try and convince you
but I’m kidding me too
And it’s really not fine
that I don’t feel divine
just being ignored
by supposedly mine
I am knotted inside
and the tears have I cried
would fill up an ocean
a thousand miles wide
I wish I were sleeping
but to Hades, I’m creeping
I know I am destined
It’s a secret I’m keeping
So I hope it’s alright
if I give up the fight
just ‘cos I’m tired
of fighting tonight.
Essentially Ellie 
sending you hugs and positive thoughts Ellie
xxxx
Thanks you so much, Pat – I really appreciate all your support, caring and hugs. I think those positive thoughts are beginning to reach me – I never know whether I’m going to be hit with an ‘up’ or a ‘down’ from one minute to the next – it is very frustrating. I’m feeling slightly better today. It’s first thing in the morning here and I always better in the mornings. Hoping it hangs around till this evening – I can never tell in advance.
It’s so frustrating when I want to be able to write something positive and perhaps, vaguely humorous and something dark like this post comes out.
I’m hoping you’re not snowed in in your neck of the woods. Sending big hugs to you, Ellie xxx
I hope that your day was a wave of good energy that carried you through; it never is easy when there are so many possibilities that can send us sideways – so we do the best we can; as for what words come out – well perhaps, despite our “best” intentions, what happens is exactly what we need to express, in that moment. What we need to remember is that each particular moment is not a written in stone label that brands us forevermore.
I’m lucky in that the huge Nor’Easter that crippled most of North America’s Eastern Seaboard stayed well and truly east and south of where I am – we had our “major snow dump” (of about 2 feet) between Christmas and New Year’s – so all has been relatively “calm” weather wise – bitterly cold – but nothing as crazy as what just happened.
I hope you are well and managing – the weather is good. I can bet spring is springing away – at the very least showing signs of life. Stay well and safe.
Sending you good thoughts, light and hugs Ellie
XXXX
Thanks, Pat. I’m so glad that you understand about ‘the words that come out’ as you will see when you read my next post. I don’t always know where the words and feelings come from – I think when I write like this, it comes straight from deep within my soul.
Thank you for your love and thoughts – that means a lot to me, especially when I’m ‘in a hole’ and am grappling to get out. I know that I will though as I am very determined ‘not to let the b*stards grind me down’, even if the b*stards happen to be my own illness.
It’s good to know that you’re not snowed in where you are – I’m glad the weather is relatively calm too as I know not everything else necessarily is. We have exceptionally mild weather at the moment – crazily mild for January – it’s been up to 13 degrees Celsius and the daffodils and crocuses have been blooming. We’re just hoping we don’t get a fairly predictable but sudden hard frost because it will kill all the prematurely early flowers off.
I’m ok – perhaps just a bit too much in my head at the moment. Hugs with love and light coming your way too, Ellie xxxx
You definitely seem to have hit a rough patch over the past few days, Ellie. I hope things begin to look up soon. I”m sending a few more of those positive thoughts to add to the ones you already got from mj6969. 🙂
Thanks for the support and the positive thoughts sent my way, Bun. They are very much appreciated when I feel like that. Typical BPD though! Up, one minute; down the next … then up again almost as quickly – I’m up and down so much I’m beginning to feel travel sick . Feeling a bit better today – hope it lasts x 🙂
You’re very welcome for the positive thoughts. I know it can’t be much fun for you being yo-yoed about like that. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. 🙂
I liked it. Ty for sharing this with us. XX
Thank you and thank you for reading it xxx