sometimes when i say i'm okay

BPD and Facebook! Not a good combination when I’m feeling vulnerable. I’d posted the above image on a mental health support page and 51 people ‘liked’ it but not one truly got the message – that I really wasn’t ok and was in need of a hug, all be it virtual. One ‘friend’ cut me off altogether. Such is the capricious nature of Facebook. But, when I’m feeling low, the last thing I need is what to me feels like a ‘kick in the teeth’.

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder); sometimes referred to as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) is now being referred to by my local mental health team as EID which stands for Emotional Intensity Disorder because people such as myself, feel their emotions far more deeply than the majority of the population. I speak for myself, of course.

The first paragraph, above, is just an example of how easily I get affected and upset. That meaningless, minor event has been enough to send me from feeling happy and content with my world to now, feeling alone, hurt and totally rejected, and although I know I get things ‘all out of proportion’, as some would say, I feel it … I really feel it, and it hurts. It hurts, just like if someone had punched me in the back. Emotional pain is just as great as physical pain. In fact, speaking as someone who has a great deal of both, I would say that emotional pain is harder for me to bear than physical pain.

TWO DAYS LATER – I’ve been watching some YouTube videos on all sorts of topics today including mental health issues. One or two videos were quite helpful. However, I saw one that made me angry. I don’t mean the type of ‘raging anger’ that is meant to be ‘typical’ of all people with BPD but isn’t necessarily so. I mean very justifiable anger, I think … you tell me ….

Why? Because one particular five-minute video continually referred to me and other folk with BPD as ‘The Borderline‘, as if I were an object of curiosity in a museum. If we all took that attitude, then would we call other people with illnesses such as pneumonia or cancer by their diagnosis, i.e. how is ‘The Pneumonia‘ today, or, have you spoken to ‘The Cancer‘ this morning? I think not. Am I being unreasonable in asking to be spoken of respectfully, and not just seen as my diagnosis, but, as a warm, thoughtful and reasonably intelligent human being that I try to be to the best of my ability?

man in box

Image courtesy of ibtimes.com

Well … back to where I started – Facebook (friend or foe?). It has its problems; there’s no doubt about that – it certainly gets a mixed review from me. I have made ‘friends’, but I have also lost a few. I’ve read some good articles and posts, and some dreadful, misinformative posts too. I’ve joined and left a few groups over the time I’ve been with FB (far too long, I’m beginning to think). It can bring people together but it probably also causes more wars between them too. I’ve deleted and deactivated my account more times than I can remember and for various reasons but I’m always sucked back into its vices after a few weeks (fickle by name, fickle by nature). 

Social media, in general, has a hell of a lot to answer for; not just Facebook, but also, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google Plus+, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr etc (I have to say I’m not with many of them, though). What about WordPress here, and Blogger etc – do you consider them to be social media in some way too? After all, we have followers that stay, followers that go. Some participate – some sit in the back row and watch – however, both are fine with me. I write because I enjoy it – sometimes I make sense; other times, not so. I have made sense in the past, though – I have written two books a good while ago, both more serious poetry (some of which I’ve shared over the years). Finally, I’ve also been known to rant. However, just now, I think I am mortal danger of beginning to ramble so here I will stop and bid you adieu 🙂 

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊


  1. I like facebook. I have many friends, i am not really into support groups on there though, too much drama for my liking. if you want to add me to facebook send me an email manyofus1980@gmail.com and we can add one another. you are more than your diagnosis ellie, you are a thoughtful caring kind person and I am so glad to know you! I love my wp blog. I’ve made so many connections here. XX

    1. Thanks, Carol anne. I tend to dip in and out of FB in phases really. Thanks for your lovely words too – you are very kind. I love WP the majority of the time – I’d like to be better at the technical side of it but I don’t have anyone who can teach me but yes, I’ve made a few good connections here although some have been not so good but, on the whole, they’re positive xxx

  2. Everyone deserves to be considered and treated with respect. Period. End of story. But life doesn’t hand us roses all of the time.

    And people are people – regardless of their mental health status – and no, that’s not dismissive – but the ones that like to “lump group” by “title label” are the ones that can’t “connect” – they are the ones who have the need to ostracize because of their lack of understanding. And for the ones who “parade around wearing their diagnosis as “bling” because it brings them attention” – well, honestly, I think it’s those people who do more “long-term damage.” I don’t know anyone – anyone – who suffers from some form of mental health issues that likes to boast or brag about it – because the reality – it’s really really tough.

    As for FB – *snort* – I won’t even touch that.

    Is WP a form of social media? Sure. It is. It’s just the platform allows, if one chooses, more room to express oneself. But it too has its “uglier” side as well – but I *think* (perhaps foolishly?) that WP tends to be a “happier” more supportive place.

    But maybe what you need to consider – to remember – “we are only as “good” as the people we surround ourselves with” … ….

    And well ….. since most people could use a hug or 3 most days …. and even though it’s only cyber …. you know the feelings are honest ….

    Hugs ((((((Ellie)))))

    1. Thanks, both for your comments and for the comforting hugs, Pat. You make many good points which I appreciate.

      I agree about the mental health ‘bling’ – It’s certainly not something I want to shout about from the rooftops! Having said that, I will quite willingly write posts about BPD because I think, firstly more people need to understand mental health, and secondly, I hope, by writing that maybe I touch just one person who battles with this every day, and help them to feel less alone with it all.

      BPD is an illness, just like diabetes or asthma and none less so just because it’s ‘mental health’, yet people’s attitudes to them differ vastly but as you say, we can choose (hopefully, most of the time), who we surround ourselves with.

      I understand and totally respect your views on FB – I’m not using it all the time by any stretch of the imagination but if asked to give it up forever, I honestly don’t think I could do it. I guess, therefore, I’m an addict myself, in a sense.

      As for WP – yes, I think, on the whole, issues and topics talked about are in a different vein. I do think there is room for some people to cause unhappiness by leaving unkind comments that may not be purely constructive. I have to say also, as an oversensitive soul, I do get hurt easily and am ashamed to say that my self-esteem is often measured by whether anyone likes or comments on my writing. Is that fickle?

      As always, my friend, big {{{hugs}}} for you, and I will reply to your email (thanks) shortly, Ellie xxx

      1. no worries about the email Ellie …. never any hurry 🙂 … as time and energy permits ….

        you make excellent points …. but the difference between someone like you and someone who wears a mental health issue as “bling” is that you are honest and aren’t wearing it as “fashionable” or in manipulative fashion … as in “poor pity me” …. and as I said, I don’t know anyone who suffers from some form of mental health issue, which is equally valid as a bodily health issue, who gladly would parade around as an “attention whore” (pardon my language) … because lets face it – it’s tough enough as it is to live, manage, cope and find proper care and support …. without dancing around screaming “look at me – see how “cool” this is?” The people I know are usually quietly outspoken because as you say, it’s about ongoing awareness and education, to try to remove the “stigmas” too often associated with these things.

        Well, sensitive or not … and yes, I know you are a very sensitive person …. in the end …. you will, like so many of us, learn with time, that you are more than enough … and its not always possible or probable that people will “show up” to validate our self-worth …. but it’s hard …. and ongoing process …. but as the healing continues …. we get stronger and better at loving ourselves, yes …. and so … we are as good as we are, in each moment 🙂

        As for FB – I personally say this: to each their own – as it pleases or not …. and it’s not a judgement call at all … we all have our little quirks that spark us for whatever reasons …. and that’s more than fine 🙂

        Take care and be well
        hugs Ellie

    1. Thanks for the much-appreciated hugs, Mick. Yes, I think you have a point about social media being antisocial at times. I would even go so far as to say it can be dangerous in the wrong hands – it can turn into a war and become so damaging so easily as in cyber-bulling which has been responsible for the death of more than a few vulnerable, children, teenagers and even adults. Having said that, I’m afraid I still get sucked into the black hole of Facebook on a daily basis (and get hurt sometimes). x

  3. I’m on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and goodness only knows what else. I almost never have time to visit them, though, and I barely understand them in any case. The only place that I actually feel pretty comfortable is WordPress.

    I’m sorry someone on Facebook cut you off, by the way, but that’s their loss, not yours. 🙂

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