Having not having written regularly for some time due to family circumstances, I suddenly find myself writing again and recently this and the previous post (poem), both of which have a lot of meaning for me, are very serious topics.
As those of you who have known me for a while will be aware, I had, some years ago, an emotionally abusive and very damaging relationship with a therapist (who I am no longer with). This affected my mental health hugely and I was hospitalised for a while following this ending.
I still carry a lot of anger about this although I have tried to deal with it in my current counselling. I wrote this poem which I feel, is certainly ‘telling’ of what was happening during those years with her and why I am finding it hard to deal with my anger and find forgiveness as I, perhaps, as I should for my own benefit.
I lie amongst the shadows
The new born of the old
Such innocence destroyed
Yet, none of this foretold
~~~
The tales we spun together
Which she led me to believe
Magnified reality
Their purpose to deceive
~~~
The I Ching books and Angel Cards
Were poetry in motion
* William Blake’s descriptions
Assured of my devotion
~~~
My identity was stolen
Soon a puppet on a string
I learned to tell more stories
And I wrote of everything
~~~
She pulled me to her bosom
She offered me affection
A love I thought forever
Then came the cruel rejection
~~~
I wonder where she came from
As she led me down the lane
Leaving me abruptly
In excruciating pain
- The reference to William Blake refers to the fact that his book, ‘Songs of Innocence and Experience’ was the poetry book that JG gave me as the first of many gifts.
It has taken me a great deal of courage to write this and I know much can be read into this poem so if you have any comments or views, I will happy to reply to them. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Ellie.
Essentially Ellie 
great poem ellie. I am sorry she was so damaging to you. keep writing. x
Thanks so much, Carol anne. It was a very difficult post to write and I appreciate your comment. During the eight years I was seeing that therapist, I was at my very worst as far as my mental health was concerned. It was then that my anorexia was very serious and required hospitalization; that I did nearly all my self-harming, drinking to a lesser degree, and endless suicide attempts. I was extremely unwell during that time and completely dominated by her. I still haven’t managed to deal with all my anger concerning this period of my life. It does help me to write though I realise it perhaps doesn’t make for very pleasant reading for others. Thank you, as always, for your encouragement. Love Ellie xxx
I am no expert, Ellie, and I hesitate to suggest things that might either not work, or might even backfire, but I do find that when I feel particularly bad, I find it helpful to remind myself that the rest of my life begins right now, I can only influence my future life, which is always effectively a clean sheet, and the past is gone. All the crap that has happened, has happened but is in the past. Sending you wishes of hope and peace.
Thanks so much, Mick. I appreciate your views and can certainly see the sense in what you are saying. I hope that I am soon able to write more positively once I get out of this negative trough that I’m in. I’m seeing my GP at the moment who has given me additional medication which I’m hoping will help too. Thank you for your kind wishes also x
You’re very welcome, Ellie. Best of luck!
Sorry for talking about this as I’m sure it would be valuable to others. It seems she had a relationship with u while you were seeing her professionally which is extremely unethical. Couldn’t she be struck off recognised psychiatrist lists at the very least. Vulnerable people need some protections. You are so strong for sharing and moving on
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment – it is appreciated. The therapist in question was a private therapist rather than one working from the Mental Health Services. I have thought many times about reporting her but unfortunately when she abruptly left the private organization she was employed by, she took all my eight year’s worth of notes with her so that I have no concrete proof. If it went to court, it would simply be my word against hers. Unfortunately, very worryingly, she is still being allowed to practice privately! Thank you again for your kind comment, Ellie.
Oh how dreadful! Seems criminal! And free to abuse more vulnerable people. But you are strong and will pull through this!
I remember from your previous posts about this therapist that she abused her position of trust and more or less took over your life for a time. I’m just glad she is no longer someone you have to meet nowadays. I think Mick is right in what he says about trying to get over the past. I know it’s not always easy to do. By nature, I’m pretty terrible at letting go of bad experiences and tend to brood on them. I think his attitude is a far healthier one, though.
I, too, can see that Mick’s comment makes a lot of sense – it’s just easier said than done (as you, too, have experienced). Strangely, I’ve actually never bumped into JG which is quite surprising as she only lives two roads away!
I also recognize that my blog and posts have been ‘dark’ for sometime now which doesn’t make for great reading for my few followers. I’m trying so hard to write something upbeat and using the humour that I know I have but which has been buried temporarily (I hope). Everything has just been so difficult having lost my Mum, my Support Worker and my by best-friend for varying reasons. Also, having been ‘dumped’ by our mental health services isn’t helping as I feel like all the steady rocks that were once firmly below my feet have been snatched away from me. An immature perspective maybe?
I’m also very grateful for the support that you and Mick have given me all the way through these tough times. Thanks for sticking with me – it is much appreciated. Ellie x
You’re very welcome, Ellie. Given the tough times you’ve had recently, I think it’s completely understandable that your posts have been more serious in tone. You do have a great sense of humor, and I’m sure it will resurface in your posts when the time is right.
Hi Ellie 🙂
I think you’re far braver than you realize and really, there is no need to apologize for “darker” tones. Life isn’t always easy – and some challenges are right out royal battles, and they showcase darker, uglier truths that are part of this life. Unfortunately, having been preyed upon by this therapist, which I remember quite clearly from your blog posts, doesn’t mean that you should feel bad or upset about needing to, now, with the help of someone trustworthy, work through the whole range of emotions you feel about this key and crucial time in your life. And if writing is one of the means and ways of you beginning to give voice to your feelings – then you shouldn’t be worrying about what others may think, or how they respond etc.
You have the right to work through issues, and clearly, as you’ve noted in your post and through the comment thread – this was a period in your life where so much was taken from you, due to your vulnerability – and it does have an impact on who you are now. Certainly, as Mick said, each day is a new slate – a clean sheet of paper – and we try and deal, cope and manage as best we can – trying to be more positive and hopeful etc. AND this is HUGELY important – but we also need to acknowledge and accept and embrace that the “darkness” needs a voice too – and not the one that can trap and pull you back into a bad place – but rather, that we need to allow ourselves to transcribe and translate, the experiences, if we choose, but then, to use healthier ways of describing how we feel about it – and in this process, we allow, even if it’s only a small bit at a time, ourselves to heal. So it is a process – healing and cathartic.
As for your sense of humour? It’s still as wonderful and special as you are – and given all that you’ve recently been experiencing in your life, with so many losses and intense feelings etc., it’s kind of natural that maybe you aren’t as “funny” as you would like to feel or be. And it’s okay – your humour and light and love haven’t left you – they are still there – they are just giving you the room and time to allow yourself to speak what needs to be said, from your heart – with great honesty and dignity – so this is a gift.
((((((((((Ellie)))))))))
Dearest Pat ❤
Thank you so much for taking the time to visit my blog again. It's so lovely to have you back with me as a friend and blogging buddy. Thank you too, for your many kind words – I hardly know where to start in replying. I find it so encouraging that my buddies really notice that I write from my heart and as the current mood takes me. Some days, I find inspiration – other days, there is nothing there worthy of writing about.
As for my sense of humour, it does peep out sometimes, even though I'm going through a dark patch at the moment. I just need to capture that humour while it is in the forefront of my mind and also to allow myself to express it without feeling guilty and disrespectful. I know, for a start, my wonderful Mum would never have wanted me to be wallowing in doom and gloom.
My poetry, however, always evolves and develops from the serious part of my mind, heart and my soul. Thank you for appreciating this too and for your encouragement. I learn so much from your comments, Pat – you are always more than welcome to comment, as you see fit, on my work/blog.
With Love, Ellie xxx ❤
((((Ellie))))
It’s always a pleasure to read your works, although it pains me when you’re going through a tougher stretch – but that’s what friends are for: we sit and listen and offer a shoulder and also encourage, not only when everything is on the up and up.
I think many appreciate all of your aspects and voices – from the light and lovely and encouraging to what you need to speak – because no matter what, you write from the heart – and that counts for so much in a world gone mad.
Hope to catch you soon enough – take care Ellie 🙂
Thank you for such kind words, Pat xxx 🙂
May you find healing from this terrible experience. My heart is with you, hoping for your recovery.
Thank you for reading and for your very kind comments – they are very much appreciated, Ellie