This post is dark … again. I tell you in advance as you may be so sick of hearing of my negativity that you wonder when there will be a respite from this torture and whether any experience of positivity is going to return? I wish I could let you into my world where I have secrets so deep, you couldn’t dig them out from the depths of hell. My shame has no end – I know that I’m dancing with the devil and now I have engaged in this dance, I can no longer pick the tune. I feel that I will spend the rest of my days terrifyingly and extremely reluctantly tied to this dance partner.
I listened to a sermon at church today (a place that I have no right to be as the bearer of my sins). It was about God loving each one of us despite what we have done. The first step would be to turn away from my sins which are, admittedly, not entirely of my own making, but they are now so great and I have sunk so low that I am too far down under the ocean to see any way back up to the surface.
I prayed so hard for God to show me a way out of the unfathomable mess I’m in, but there were no answers other than my knowing I will either spend my eternal days in hell if my sin remains only in my conscience or the alternative is for my sin to be exposed and I then spend my living days in damnation with my entire world having fallen apart around my ears until I die. And on that day, my feet will know no other way to tread than in the devil’s footsteps.
“Father God, I praise You with all that I have and all that I am, deficient and insufficient though that might be. Forgive me, I beg, for my dreadful sin and please, Lord, free me from the captivity of the enabler and partner in crime who lives so closely alongside me emotionally yet they are not here in my existence now and I know that You already know this fact and were fully aware of this before I even put my pen to this paper.
I thank You for all the good that You have given me throughout my life. There have been many difficult and painful experiences along the way as there are in many people’s lives but I feel that, on the whole, I have learned from these and grown although evidently, not enough to right the wrong that I am doing currently and have been for some years.
My Father in Heaven, I plead with You to show me how to help myself to get out of this mess that I am in and in turn to become purer in thought and deed. I ask all this with all of my heart and everything I have in my soul, in Your Precious Name. Amen”
Essentially Ellie 
Ellie, every single one of us has done stupid things in the past – often very stupid things – and the only way to deal with them is to accept they were mistakes and to learn from them and move on with the intent not to repeat them. Every day is, as the cliche has it, a new beginning. Sending hugs.
Thank you for your reassurances, Mick. Unfortunately, I am trapped in a situation which means that I can’t move on from the ‘mistakes’ as, because of other influences, these ‘mistakes’ are continuing to happen and I can’t find a way to escape and this is why I feel that I am remaining in the dance with the devil. I wish I could explain more but fear prevents me from doing so. You will, no doubt, have picked up from my recent posts, that I feel despairing of this situation so thank you for having the kindness, compassion and patience to continue reading my posts, dark though they may be, and following my blog. Thank you and bless you for your hugs, my friend, (very much needed right now) x
I can only hope that you see your way out of this, Ellie. I wish you strength.
hugs for you ellie. thinking of you. xxxx ❤
Thank you, Carol anne. I appreciate and need those hugs so much right now. I’m not ‘promoting’ my next post but when you read that, the truth will be abundantly clear and I fear you may not feel as affectionately for me as you currently do. Apologies and hugs in advance. Love always, Ellie xxx 😦 ❤