Yesterday, while clearing out some cupboards, right at the back, I came across one of the books I wrote in 2011, published in 2012. Although it was mostly poetry which I generally enjoy writing, it was at a time in my life when I was in a dreadful state, mentally, physically and emotionally. I’d written about all the trauma I’d experienced, which devoured my childhood and teenage years, and about an extremely damaging and abusive experience I had with a therapist, which totally messed me up, consuming a further eight years of my life as an adult. To numb the pain and unbearable feelings, I turned to drink and to drugs. I alienated my entire family and my friends also. I’m glad you didn’t know me back then – I wasn’t a nice person to be around during those desperate years.
So, why am I writing this post now? I know I didn’t need to, but I have done because I feel there was a reason that I found that book yesterday, and that was that it’s my tenth anniversary of being clean and sober (on the 27th of April). I finally got help at a local drug and alcohol rehab centre in my city and with a decent, boundaried counsellor. I have an awful lot of gratitude for those people who helped me in my recovery. They also say that time is a great healer, and I believe this is true in my case. I never thought, back then, that I’d ever be able to move on with my life. I’m very thankful.
I can now celebrate my life and appreciate it for what it is – not perfect but very acceptable. I have my family back in my life, and that’s worth its weight in gold to me. I have new friends (and a couple of old ones) who love me and take me as I am. I was a lot to put up with back then, but now, I make sure to value them all and tell them how much I love them. I don’t take my life for granted anymore. I’ve got my home, my security, my cat, Peanut, food in the cupboard, a comfy bed to sleep in and most importantly, I have peace of mind.
Now, what to do with my book?
Essentially Ellie 
Keep it (in a box). I’ll write more later.
Thanks, Jeff. I hope you are coping okay with your situation. Chat more later.
Keep the book, it represents what you were and what you don’t want to be!!
Great share.
Thank you, Devang. I appreciate your advice. Ellie.
I mean, I wanted to write a book, but not yet. Right now, I’m working on a book with my brother.
I expect you’ll write your book when the time is right for you. You’re young and there’s plenty of time. Good luck with the book you’re working on with your brother. Ellie
Well, my interest is in health and wellness, and I cannot write a book on stories or poem, cause I’m unable to do that. Plus, my English is not that good, so I might get discouraged to write a book. With this new book, we are working on 10 stories, he will do the writing, I’m just for suggestions and ideas.
Thanks for sharing, Ellie. I’d say keep the book, whether published or not. Keep writing, fellow writer!
Thank you so much for your kind comment and your encouragement. Ellie
I don’t have an anniversary date either. It was in January, but I was so frazzled by sobriety, two or three weeks later I couldn’t remember how many weeks it had been. Obviously, an anniversary date isn’t necessary for sobriety, but it would be nice to have something to point to on the calendar. There’s all kinds of stuff I’ve published that I feel no longer represents who I am. Some of it isn’t very good and some clearly illustrates the jerk I used to be. I was proud of it when I wrote it, so I think I’m honoring ‘that guy” by leaving it available (on blog or available to purchase). I understand you don’t think your former self deserves honoring, but it’s a clear map of where you came from and IMO for that reason alone the record should be retained… plus you might want to read it one day. There’s one blog post that gets read frequently that I hate. Every time it pops up in my stats, I think ‘I should delete that.’ But then I let it live for the reasons I listed before. BTW, I’m doing fine. My stepmother was super sick for a long time and said she wanted to die every day for the past 4 months. My father is so much more relaxed and like his old self now. It’s sad that she died, but would have been sadder if she went on living the way she was.
I don’t know when I first realised that I didn’t know my exact sobriety date. I just know that it was the year my father died in 2012. I agree; it would be nice to put something on the calendar – we could buy ourselves a birthday cake!
I, too, have written posts on my blog that I wished I’d never written and can understand why you’ve not deleted the ones you feel this way about. I was only looking over some of my older posts last night and wondering, having already deleted some already, whether I should delete the remainder that I don’t feel represent me anymore. But, I stopped before I did so and decided, for the same reason as you, that I almost owe ‘that person’ (me) the right to exist. My writing was very immature back then, but I was a very different person eight years ago.
I’m glad you’re doing okay. It was sad that your stepmother wanted to die for that length of time, but perhaps it was a relief. I’m glad your father is coping well with it – please, send him my good wishes.
I am looking forward to your next post when you have time to write. I imagine there’s still a lot to sort out yet. Take care, Ellie.
Definitely keep the book.
That is you in there even though you might not like the version.
So glad you found me.
Thank you for your wise advice about my book. It has helped to get replies and advice from my blogging friends as I was very undecided. I think, one of my worries is that I’d hate my children and grandchildren to read about the worst of my life when I’m gone (not that I’m planning on popping off for a long time – fingers crossed!) X
Celebrating you, Ellie.
Thank you so much, Stacey. That’s very kind of you.
Wow well shared actually we all need peace in life and though we may face problems but at the end everything is good keep up celebration. Well shared thanks 😊👍
Thank you so much, Priti. I appreciate your comment. It’s very kind of you 🙂 .
It’s pleasure of mine 💖❤️ stay blessed 🤗🥰
Hey Ellie! It’s nothing short of a miracle that you get to celebrate life once again and in all its glory! ❤️
What more, we get to celebrate it with you! 😊
Thank you, Harshi. What a lovely comment. I think I must be made of tough stuff! Having said that, I’m not all that well today; coming down with a bug or something, I think. Because of that, I’ve been sleeping a lot and will have an early night. Please, forgive me if I get a bit behind with your posts; I will try to catch up again (and with everyone else’s, too) as soon as I’m feeling better. Love to you, my friend Xx 💜🌼💚🌻❤
Take good care of yourself, Ellie! Take all the time you need and surface when you feel rejuvenated! Best wishes…