It’s a Cat’s Life

Princess Peanut – The Royal Portrait

“What do you mean it’s only five o’clock in the morning? Yes, I know you want to go back to sleep, but I’m hungry and want my breakfast. I will jump on your face until you get up and give me some food. You’re being unreasonable.” Honestly, I don’t know; you just can’t get the staff these days! Doesn’t my human realise I’m in charge of this house? I’m royalty, and she’s only the servant.

Finally, I’ve got my breakfast! I’m starving, and all I get is chicken and fish. It’s not good enough! It wouldn’t hurt to invest in a succulent piece of sirloin steak or some caviar for a change. I don’t want this biscuit rubbish either! I know; I’ll sneak out of the cat flap when Mum’s not looking and find my own food.

This is food fit for royalty, is it? I think not!

Thirty minutes later. Ah, ha … I spy a juicy mouse. I’ll creep up behind it and take it by surprise. I do wish it wouldn’t squeak so much! I’ll take it home and show her how brilliant my hunting prowess is. Mum will be so proud of me. Now, if I can just squeeze through the cat flap with it … Damn, I’ve dropped the little critter! I’ll chase after it. Oh, no, it’s run under the fridge. Why is Mum scowling? Isn’t she glad I’ve bought her a gift? “What d’you say? You’d rather have your presents wrapped in pretty paper with a ribbon and a bow?” There’s no pleasing some humans.

Cat and mouse games

The new vet is coming today – I hope she’s nicer than the one I usually have to see. That’s the doorbell; I’ll greet her – that’ll make a good impression. I hope she’s not going to stick one of those needles in me. That’s nice; she’s making a fuss of me. I think I like her apart from her smelling of dog. Meooow! She got me with that needle! That was a nasty trick. Now, she’s trying to clip my claws. Doesn’t she know I need them for climbing the trees out the back? How else would I catch the birds? This is totally unfair. She’s got a fight on her hands now. She called me a little madam – the cheek of it! “If you think I’m staying still on that table, you’ve got another think coming!” I’m out of here.

Two hours later. All that running around in the garden has worn me out. I think I’ll nip home for some rest. I’ll tiptoe up the stairs when Mum’s not looking. Uh ha, she’s left her bedroom door open. I know I’m not supposed to sleep on the bed, but I don’t care. It’s fit for a princess, and I’m just that. I don’t know what the confusion is. I deserve a sumptuous bed, not a cardboard box next to the radiator with a fluffy blanket. She can sleep in my box for a change. She won’t mind one bit, I’m sure.

Four hours later. That was a lovely snooze … yawn … stretch … Look at me. Aren’t I adorable? I’m feeling lazy after all that sleep. I think I’ll go downstairs and chill out with a bit of TV. My favourite programme, Tom & Jerry, is on this afternoon. I like an action movie …

Where’s Tom & Jerry gone?

“Mum … Mum … this isn’t Tom & Jerry! Come here! Quick! Change the TV station, would you? I’m missing my programme! How dare you tell me you’ve just sat down with a coffee! How could you do that to the Royal Princess?” I don’t know; what do you have to do to get the slaves to work in this place? It’s just not good enough. “Right! No more presents for you! No mice, no slow worms, no birds, no nothing! That’ll teach you! Why are you grinning from one ear to the other? How dare you disrespect me! Right … that’s it! You’re fired!