Photo by Anna Tarazevich – Pexels

Okay … time to be honest and confess. I’m stressed. Extremely stressed. I’ve had so much on my plate lately that I’m struggling to cope with anything other than the usual routine of life. I’ve denied my own needs and am mentally exhausted. I’m hardly even going out these days. Staying cooped up all day isn’t good for my mental health either. I’ve spent so much time and energy, both mentally and physically, getting ready for my family to stay with me, and now that the rooms are finished, I find myself in a state of near collapse. This isn’t something I like to admit readily (or publicly), yet here I am doing precisely that.

I’m w-a-a-a-y behind on so many things, not least of which is keeping up with reading my blogging friends’ posts. My brain is frazzled. My concentration shot to pieces. When I do read a post, I take it in and appreciate it and show that with a ‘like,’ but making enough sense to leave even a semi-worthy comment is proving too challenging. I’ve recently been apologising a lot for my inadequacies – for not keeping up, whether it’s reading blogs or making phone calls to friends and family.

Tomorrow, my friend has suggested we go out for lunch. She’s worried about me and tells me I need a break. She’s right, of course; admitting that to her is one thing, but admitting it to myself is something else entirely. It’ll tear me away from my laptop, to which I’ve become permanently joined at the hip, and that can’t be healthy for anyone. On Tuesdays, I take part in a garden project. It’s enjoyable, social and relaxing. I took a break from it recently as I had other priorities. I think now is the time to resume that hobby. The last time I was there, we were picking gorgeously-perfumed sweet peas – one of my favourite flowers.

One of my friends presented me with a posy of sweet peas and lavender.

Some of you will know I wrote a post about the changes going on for me at home. I wasn’t at all happy with my writing standard yesterday and seriously considered deleting it. Being a self-inflicted perfectionist isn’t doing me any favours right now. I’ve thought long and hard about writing this post and hope you will understand. I will still be here, happy to read your posts as always and perhaps, writing when inspiration strikes, but I am giving myself permission to not put myself under so much pressure to say the right things, to constantly apologise for not keeping up and making myself feel so inadequate for a while, or at least, until I’ve got my mental health sorted out a little more. So, please, don’t be offended if I don’t leave my usual style of lengthy comments. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your writing; just that I need to give my mind a break.

It wasn’t easy to write this post. It feels like giving up, like failure or admitting defeat, but needs must, and I owe it to myself to be sensible. Keep writing as beautifully as you ever do, my friends, and I’ll catch up with you as and when I can. Thank you for your understanding. I appreciate it in advance. Much love, Ellie xx 💝

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊

41 thoughts on “Exhaustion”

  1. Awww Ellie you are so sweetfor thinking about us, your blogger friends from everywhere 😊 We all have stuff going on and sometimes it gets to be too much so we need to step back and find our balance again. I’ve been looking for jobs for the last few weeks so interviewing and waiting, it sucks but I take it one day at the time. You had a lot going on lately plus the crazy weather 😄 so YES. Please take time to care for yourself, we’ll be here! 🎈😍🤩

    1. Thank you so much for being so understanding, J. I really appreciate that very much. I do hope you manage to get a job very soon. It must be stressful dealing with all that. I wish you lots of luck. I still hope to read posts although my comments may be shorter than some of my buddies are used to. I do tend to waffle sometimes. I always enjoy your posts because I love the beautiful simplicity of them. They are a joy. Thanks again, J. Xx 🥰

  2. First off, you don’t need to read every post that shows up in your reader (just mine)–actually kidding about that. You don’t need to read mine as well. I follow a few daily bloggers and I’ve learned to be comfortable skipping a few posts. I assume they won’t drop me if I miss a week (and if they do, something is wrong with their motivation for following). Cut back on reading, commenting and answering comments. Soon you’ll find yourself with extra time and you’ll pick up the pace again.

    1. Thanks for your understanding, Jeff. I will take your excellent advice. It’s difficult when I feel so close to my blogging buddies and readers. I know I am far too ‘attached’ given that all these writers aren’t the same as my friends in ‘real life’. However, one or two of them are very good friends now. I’m glad you explained how you manage and you are right about not reading (the easy bit). I enjoy this but at present, don’t seem to have the wherewithal to come up with a sensible and sensitive comment. Thanks again, Jeff.

  3. Ellie, you have been on my mind because I was aware of (some of ) these massive changes you were going through, and I am cheering this post so hard on so many levels! One, your friend coming to take you out. Wonderful friends push when necessary, to rebalance us. Two, your return to the garden project. And most importantly, this: “I am giving myself permission to not put myself under so much pressure to say the right things, to constantly apologise for not keeping up.” Yes, Ellie. This is so critical.

    As DEARLY as I appreciate and adore your presence in my writing space, I might be inclined to block your readership if I thought you were going to feel pressure (Cheering Jeff’s comment above!). It is so important, especially for a very sensitive soul like yourself (I see you, sister!) to take time, for being. [My confession: I can only befriend people who accept my need to go missing on the regular.] Since you are so obviously focused on caring for others, perhaps you might consider this necessary time for tending to Peanut’s need for you to just sit and let her know you are there? (Hah, despite their reticence, our cats really do try to take great care of us, don’t they?!).

    Cheering you, sister! Thank you for sharing so generously your loving heart.

    1. Dearest Stacey, I can’t thank you enough for your deep understanding and kind words. It means an awful lot to me. I haven’t read Jeff’s comment yet, but will do shortly. I’ve always been told I’m too sensitive – it’s just second nature to care about others so deeply, but I appreciate that while I’m concentrating my will to do that, I’m probably not paying enough attention to my own needs. It’s a lesson I need to learn, I think. Peanut is wonderful – she’s been extra close to me the last week or so and I do believe cats sense our moods and feelings. She’s been extra cuddly and has started sleeping on my bed with me at night, which is a joy. I think being out with my friend will be a welcome break and somewhat of a relief from the normal humdrum of my life. Thank you so much again, my friend Xx 💖

      1. You can never be “too sensitive about others,” the trick is to not forget you need to be sensitive about yourself too. I was often told, in my younger days, that I was too sensitive, but to change that would have changed me. I happen to like being sensitive about others. If I had listened to the nay-sayers I would probably hate myself now. Hating who one is is never mentally or spiritually good (not meant in a religious way, but as your inner spirit).
        This is the first post of yours I have ever read, and it tells me so much about the “inner” you. Please keep being you. You have to live with yourself first and foremost. So be the person you know you can love, please. I am sure you know how hard it is to be around someone uou do not like.

        1. Hello Rawgod. Firstly, can I thank you for reading my post and leaving me such a sensitive and caring comment even though we hardly know each other. Thank you for reassuring me of my feelings of being too sensitive about others’ needs. It’s much appreciated and means a lot. I, too, was always told I was too sensitive in earlier years, and I guess this stuck. However, I can’t change who I am and don’t want to. If I were any different, as you say, I wouldn’t like myself, and self-loathing would undoubtedly be a big issue. I’m working hard on trying to improve my self-esteem. I am who I am, and my friends and family (and the blogging community) accept me as I am. I think, sometimes, I judge myself too harshly, though. Although I am taking a break from commenting on other people’s posts at the moment, I will definitely call in at yours as I would like to see what you write about. You certainly come across as a genuine, caring and sensitive soul. Take good care of you, too. Ellie

          1. Thank you, Ellie, for your kind words.
            If you don’t mind my saying, Trick One is to not judge yourself at all. Do what comes naturally to you because that is what you know needs to be done. Let others judge you, if they feel they must, but remember, it is not you they are judging but themselves. They are comparing themselves to you and finding themselves wanting, but instead of improving themselves — which is hard work — they choose to try to make you come down to their level — which is much easier for them.
            I try to live my life as a role model, to show people it is possible to be a nice person and still survive in a world of greedy self-centered individuals. Whether they see me that way or not is all on them. I am being as honest to myself as I can be at this time in my life. I see you trying to do that for yourself too, and I honour you for it.
            There are more of us out there than we might think based on who we meet on our daily travels. We only get to see small bits of the world, and the daily news is not equipped to centre on people such as we, so we tend to feel alone, and sometimes helpless. But people like us are out there, whether we get to see them or not.
            I apologize if I seem like I am preaching to you, I certainly do mot nean to be. Mostly I just want you to know you are not alone.
            Thank you for being you.

  4. Ellie, I can so relate to so much you wrote in this post. The worst is when I can’t even keep up the routines. I’m glad that you have someone to remind you that you need a break and to help you actually take it. I actually enjoyed myself this weekend by going outside and just taking things slow.

    1. Thanks so much for your comment and your understanding, Sam. I’m sorry you are feeling similarly. I’m glad you got out at the weekend, though. It must have done you good. I’m hoping that spending the day with my friend and just taking some time out will help me feel a bit better. Xx

    1. Oh, you know me so well, Granny. I will do my best. I think I’ve always people-pleased. I don’t know why – perhaps, poor self-esteem and lack of confidence. I will definitely be staying in contact with you by email often. You are truly a wonderful friend. I love you, too xxx 💝

  5. Hi dearest friend
    I think you need to take proper rest 🙂
    Don’t worry about the blogs. You can’t read those blogs when you are stressed out. So, it’s better to pause, and go slow.
    Tomorrow is Tuesday. Enjoy some flowers, some peace and some smile.
    Take care

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions, Devang. My friend took me out for lunch today as we’d planned when she realised I was so stressed. It was a lovely afternoon and made a really nice change. We went to the cafe at our local museum. There is a park there which had lots of trees and flowers. I feel a bit better after that, but know that I need to take it easy for a while nevertheless. Thanks again. Ellie

  6. Of course we understand! Please give yourself permission to step back, not only from writing on your own blog, but from leaving your usual lovely comments on ours. When blogging feels like a chore, it’s time to take a break. We will not be offended…..the important thing is to take care of yourself until you feel less stressed and more like yourself!

    1. Thank you for being so understanding, Ann. I’m hoping to read and appreciate some of my buddies’ blogs, but possibly not leave lengthy comments for a while. That way I get the best of both worlds. Thanks again, Ann x

  7. Hello, Ellie. My appologies if it seems I’m writing a bit late. I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling so much stress and anxiety recently. Surely, soon you’ll begin to enjoy the new experiences and patterns in your life and know it’s been worth it. By the way, the room makeovers are fantastic! Wishing you all my best, Cailín

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment for me, Cailin. Please don’t worry about being late. The fact that you were kind enough to read and appreciate my post is enough and much appreciated. Thank you for your compliments on the rooms. I am pleased with them too and am excited about my son and grandchildren coming to stay. Thanks again, Ellie xx

  8. Ellie I’ll hold you accountable for this statement/declaration:

    “happy to read your posts as always and perhaps, writing when inspiration strikes, but I am giving myself permission to not put myself under so much pressure to say the right things, to constantly apologise for not keeping up and making myself feel so inadequate for a while, or at least, until I’ve got my mental health sorted out a little more.”

    Know, please, that no one here is offended.
    I know I speak for all when I say that we love your responses, they come through as honest, with so much substance. No one takes offense when you cannot.
    You don’t owe me that!

    So you need to be kind and stop beating yourself when all you’re doing is giving yourself the kindness you need right now. Really.
    Let things go while you regroup with your divinity.
    Read (if you must) when you can and internalize with your heart. That’s plenty.
    You owe nothing to anyone, only to yourself.
    Be well. I bless you and wish you miracles.

    >> and one more thing: don’t bother responding because then I will feel offended that you’re slacking up on your needs. And what that will do is make me stop responding altogether.
    I/we care about you. Attend to your needs and keep your word about the above declaration.<<

  9. I went through this several years ago, Now I just blog when it fits and read my reader when it fits and read and write comments when it fits. I am much more mentally healthy for it.
    Take time for yourself, as much as you need. Massive hugs.

    1. Thank you very much for sharing that with me, Sarah. It does make me feel less alone in this situation. I’m glad you are feeling so much better in yourself having made that decision. I think I’ve done the right thing, too. I had a lovely day out with my friend yesterday, and today, I went along to the garden project which was fun, social and uplifting. I feel more relaxed today for doing those things – just what I needed. Thanks again, Sarah. Big hugs for you, too Xx 🤗💕

  10. Please enjoy a much needed break as and when you want one, remember you don’t owe any announcements or explanations for doing this, blogging will still be waiting for you when you’re ready to dip back in again✨💛✨👌 #selfcare

  11. I take breaks from WordPress and then come back and it takes awhile to catch up and get back in my groove. I like the quote “learn to rest, not quit” yes it’s important to catch up with reading but it is also important to write, that is after all, why we have a blog. There may be times when the balance goes awry – breathe and realise that it will right itself once you are back in the groove. But write. Always.

    1. Hi. Thank you so much for reading my post and following my blog. I’m glad I’m not alone in taking a break. I do need to catch up with my writing because I tend to feel I should read blogs (and I follow loads) and read them properly, leaving appropriate and honest comments. I think you are right – perhaps, I need to keep writing and prioritise that before worrying about keeping up with everyone else. Thanks so much for your much appreciated and valued comment and advice. Ellie 🌞

  12. Blogging can become very intens (sometimes too intense)… I know what you’re talking albout. I always trey to anwser on reactions of my readers. Besides that I try to publish on a regular basis and as my blog is about nature photography, I’m out in the field a lot ! Sometimes time is to short. So, I decided to make some changes in my way of managing my blog, if not it became to much work. Blogging must be fun in the first place and there is nothing wrong with making selections 😉 Keep on the good work and great respect for what you do.
    Kind regards,

    1. Thank you so much for your kind understanding and for sharing your feelings about blogging. It should be fun, as you say, although sometimes I feel pretty stressed when I either can’t think what to write, or I am trying to keep up with reading and commenting on other blogs. I do like to do this to show I’ve enjoyed the posts of blogs I follow and out of respect for the time and effort that person or people have spent writing their posts. Take care, Ellie

  13. Hello Ellie, I prayed for you. So often we do not realize how exhausted we are for caring for others. You are such a caring person and I hope you are rested from date of post. Take care.

    1. Thank you so much, Tangie. That’s very kind of you and much appreciated. I think I had a short break after writing this post, but things have gotten as busy as ever. It never seems to stop. Tonight, I’ve got my son and grandchildren to stay over until tomorrow, so there’s been so much to prepare. I think I’ll be exhausted by the time they leave. It’s the first time of many times to come that they’ll be here. I do hope you are coping with all your illnesses and conditions okay – or at least, as best you can. Thinking fondly of you. Ellie xx 💕

  14. I always tell myself better days are coming, and for you too. I will post on Monday about the medical conditions diagnosed. Conditions are more serious than I thought. Have a wonderful day/night and remain safe.

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that your health problems are worse than you expected. What a worry for you. I hope you’re not in too much pain. I will look out for your post on Monday. It’s 1.45 pm here so still afternoon. Take care, Tangie Xx 💜

  15. Hey Ellie, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. 😉

    Sometimes life is messy.

    When the Universe decides to do this, we Perfectionists swim upstream in the strongest currents and white-water rapids like red salmon. THEN for god’s sake (not that I’m religious in the least) we chose the upstream currents & rapids where Grizzly and Black bears stand waiting for us to jump into their mouths!!! I mean, WTH!? 😄

    Perhaps we Perfectionists should consider a different route or river… or hell, maybe even going up landside? Wow, that’s novel, huh? 😉

    My prescription? Try to laugh. Find circumstances and events to laugh about. And then ask yourself, “Self… Ellie… how can I approach this hurdle or this salmon-bear trap differently?” I mean, here is what I LOVE about British Airways captain Eric Moody of BA flight 9 in 1982 over Indonesia after flying through volcanic ash from the Jakarta eruption and all four Boeing 747-engines stopped:

    “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress.”

    They landed safely after gliding out of the massive ash clouds and all crew and passengers landed safely at Halim Perdanakusuma Airport in Jakarta. See, sometimes you just gotta say “EFF IT! We’ll do our best, but it might be messy.” Hahaha! 😉

    1. I’m so sorry, Dwain. I knew I’d seen a comment from you on one of my posts, but do you think I could find it? I’ve been looking for it over the last few days, and finally, finally, I’ve found it (from nearly two weeks ago!). I love your attitude to life and your explanation of us perfectionists. It made me laugh, and that’s always a good thing, as you say. The Eric Moody quote is excellent, too. I’m glad to hear the plane landed safely after all that. Life is messy – you’re quite right. Sometimes, I can laugh at it; sometimes, I can’t. It depends on what’s been going on in my head. I’m a bit like a yoyo (not sure what you call them) – constantly going up and down, never knowing what’s coming next. I wish we could include images with comments here on WP, but there doesn’t seem to be an option to do that. Anyway, I hope you’re well, and I’m looking forward to your next post. Take care of yourself till then … Ellie 🦢🌹😘

  16. I am sorry that you feel this way Ellie. Being exhausted and debilitated is something I an well aware of but hang in there, life does exhausts us one way or another and it is always great to admit what is eating you up🙏😊

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