Dissociative Healing

Image by Ulrike Leone from Pixabay

The past came back to haunt me yesterday
I thought I was over all that
It suddenly came flooding back
When opposite my counsellor, I sat

I cried a river of tears
As I remembered the sickening pain
I didn’t want to go back to that place
To experience everything again

The adult within me departed
Although I was sat in my seat
I could feel myself drifting away
As my heart skipped its regular beat

My thoughts were transported elsewhere
To a time so long ago
The world seemed unreal as time transposed
My agony completely on show

I had gone somewhere else in my mind
Somewhere distant and safe
I couldn’t be touched from where I was hidden
As I became the child, the waif

Gradually soft words broke through
It’s okay, you’re secure, you’re here
The voice, far away, waited patiently
Till the muffled speech became clear

Her voice brought me back to the room
My head cleared as she reached out her hand
The fear left and the pain abated
As I began to understand

My adult returned; it was time to go
Slowly, I walked to the door
I thanked her and smiled as the sun shone in
For I knew I was healing for sure.

42 thoughts on “Dissociative Healing

  1. Beautiful ❤️ I felt all the emotions thanks to your beautiful writing. You are an amazing person Ellie , genuine , courageous, sweet and funny. Thank you for sharing a part of you with us. ❤️😁

    1. Thank you so much; so, so much, J. That means an awful lot to me. You have warmed my heart 🤍 tonight. I’m so glad I’ve got to know you, my friend. Hugs 🤗 X 💞

    1. Thank you very much, Kate. Counselling is really tough at times but I recognise that I’m beginning to heal. Writing is the best way I know to help me process my feelings.

      Did you ever find my comment on your motorbike post? When I sent it, it just disappeared. I have checked back a couple of times but it still hasn’t materialised. Perhaps, it’s gone into your spam folder? X 🌼

  2. So powerful! Healing can be a painful process, but it is still healing and the path to a happier life. I’m so glad you have the courage to stick with your counseling! And your writing is very, very good.

    1. Thank you very much, Ann, for your kind words and also your understanding – it means a lot to me. Sometimes, it would be easier to give up on the therapy, but I know it is indeed the path to happiness and peace of mind. Xx 💖

  3. Adults can better handle some things that happened to us as children. If we are in safe places we can handle them better still. A good counsellor can create that safe place. I am glad you found one who can.

    1. Yes, I agree with you, rawgod. Awful things that happen to children can often take years, decades or even a lifetime, in my case, to surface and even being able to accept the truth of our experiences and begin to deal with them can take just as long. I did have a previous counsellor who did me as much damage as the people who hurt me as a child in the first place. I will explain a little more about this in answer to your comment on my previous post. I am very fortunate that I’ve finally found the right counsellor to help me recover from these things that happened in my past and even more recent years. Although I do still feel very vulnerable, I know I’m doing the right thing for me to enable me to finally start the healing process. It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel that peace of mind, healing and recovery are possible with the right help, a lot of hard work and persistence, and sticking with it however tough it gets. I’m trying to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you well, my friend.

      1. As I wish you well also..Having been a counsellor for a period of my life, there were people I connected with, and people I did not connect with. My approach did not work for everyone. But I like to think it worked for those I did connect with. The biggest problem was in that once a client stopped coming, I never knew for sure if they relapsed or not. I could think I knew which ones would succeed and which ones would not, but I can never know for sure.

  4. Evocative poetry. I’m not surprised. This is gorgeous. How I love it.
    I heard the music in the rhyme. Keep doing this. You’re great at it. 👏
    Hope all’s well in the home front. Stay sweet. XoXo

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words to me. I’m very honoured by them. I’ve got a tab open on my laptop ready to read your blog later. I’m looking forward to that. Take care xx 💜❣💛

    1. Thank you, Mick. As we’ve known each other for so long, you might remember me writing about this topic many years ago (or possibly not). I think I was writing this when I saw my previous counsellor, which you may remember was a nightmare. I’m writing in a similar vein recently as I have a new counsellor having been out of therapy for a long time; only this time, I’m very happy with her and, as you commented, I am making good progress even though it can be harrowing at times. When I come out of this phase, I’ll undoubtedly feel much less fragile and more whole.

      How are you doing, Mick? How are your family? I know you’ve been taking a break from blogging, so I hope you have had some respite. Are you just popping in to catch up with reading a few blogs, or do you intend to write again? I miss your posts and your input. I wish you well, my friend 🌞.

      1. I do remember you writing about it, Ellie, and that it all went very wrong. This sounds a lot more positive.

        And no, I’ve not got anything to post at the moment, but thought I’d just dip into a few blogs. I will keep doing that, on and off, while I sort out my writing which seems to be going nowhere fast at the moment. Other than that, we’re doing okay, thanks.

        I’m sure we’ll speak again soon!

      2. We’ve certainly known each other for a long time, Mick, haven’t we? The last couple of poems I recently published are similar to some of my old ones, except they have been altered, updated and tell a slightly different ‘story’, more suited to now rather than then. (This is just for your information, not a hint to read them, by the way.)

        I hope your creative juices come flooding back very soon, but I also know how much time reading other bloggers’ posts takes. Speak soon. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

      3. Quite a while, Ellie, yes. I’ll take a look at a few of your poems later – I’ll be interested to read them.

        And thanks. I’m sure the muse will make a reappearance sometime!

    1. Thank you very much for reading my poem and leaving me such a kind comment, Bridgette. I will take your advice and try to do that. Healing takes quite some time, but I am determined to get there. X 🌷

  5. Wow. I feel like we carry around a wardrobe filled with the lots of drawers, where we place each of our traumas. Sometimes a drawer, which is usually firmly shut, gets opened, because someone turned the key in the lock, or some pressure from outside or the weight of the other drawers just pops it open.
    I’m glad it was your therapist with the key and you were in safe hands and able to continue with the process of healing.

    1. Sarah, that’s a truly excellent way to describe where we keep our traumas – lots of locked drawers – until, as you say, someone or something turns the key. I dissociate at other times, too, not only in therapy, although it’s less often than it used to be. Trying to describe the experience to someone who hasn’t had this happen is really very difficult. However, you’ve come up with the perfect explanation here. My counsellor, Chris, is great with me when this happens. She knows just how to ‘get me back’ from that scary place at the right time. At some point in my life, I’d like to be more in control of when I dissociate, as it can cause quite a lot of confusion and misunderstanding from others. Unfortunately, I’ve only got another 8-10 weeks with Chris, although I feel I would benefit from many more sessions. Thank you for making me feel less alone with this. X 💛

    1. Thanks, Sam. The mind is a complicated and fascinating organ (apparently, I found out a while back that the brain is classed as an organ) – for some absurd reason, I hadn’t realised this before. My memories are currently coming thick and fast, hence my last few somewhat sombre poems. However, I’m determined to come to terms with them and gradually heal. It’ll take some time, but I am willing to put the work in, especially in my therapy. I hope you are well, Sam. X

  6. Aw Ellie, you really do have a way with words to process how you’re feeling and what you experience. I hope little girl Ellie can start to heal and feel safer, because the adult Ellie is fierce and courageous for sharing this with us, for working through the trauma of the past and for moving forward each day 💜

    Caz xx

    1. Thank you so much for such kind and encouraging words, Caz. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Healing is hard work as you might already know. I’m not giving up – I still have far to go, but I know I’ll get there eventually. I find writing so cathartic – it really does help me to express myself and process my feelings in a way that I couldn’t do if I were speaking out loud. Love Ellie Xx 🌷💛🌺

    1. Thank you very much for taking the time to look at my blog and read my poem. I really appreciate you doing that. I’m also sorry that you have experienced the same thing as I know how the root cause can be so painful. Do take care of yourself, Hal … Ellie xx 🦢💙💗🤍

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