The past came back to haunt me yesterday
I thought I was over all that
It suddenly came flooding back
When opposite my counsellor, I sat
I cried a river of tears
As I remembered the sickening pain
I didn’t want to go back to that place
To experience everything again
The adult within me departed
Although I was sat in my seat
I could feel myself drifting away
As my heart skipped its regular beat
My thoughts were transported elsewhere
To a time so long ago
The world seemed unreal as time transposed
My agony completely on show
I had gone somewhere else in my mind
Somewhere distant and safe
I couldn’t be touched from where I was hidden
As I became the child, the waif
Gradually soft words broke through
It’s okay, you’re secure, you’re here
The voice, far away, waited patiently
Till the muffled speech became clear
Her voice brought me back to the room
My head cleared as she reached out her hand
The fear left and the pain abated
As I began to understand
My adult returned; it was time to go
Slowly, I walked to the door
I thanked her and smiled as the sun shone in
For I knew I was healing for sure.
Essentially Ellie 
Beautiful ❤️ I felt all the emotions thanks to your beautiful writing. You are an amazing person Ellie , genuine , courageous, sweet and funny. Thank you for sharing a part of you with us. ❤️😁
Thank you so much; so, so much, J. That means an awful lot to me. You have warmed my heart 🤍 tonight. I’m so glad I’ve got to know you, my friend. Hugs 🤗 X 💞
Beautifully described Ellie, I’m glad you’re getting help and healing. Writing is a great tool to help with this and you use it very well.
Thank you very much, Kate. Counselling is really tough at times but I recognise that I’m beginning to heal. Writing is the best way I know to help me process my feelings.
Did you ever find my comment on your motorbike post? When I sent it, it just disappeared. I have checked back a couple of times but it still hasn’t materialised. Perhaps, it’s gone into your spam folder? X 🌼
Damn. I don’t know what is going on Elle, I appreciate your comments so much, please don’t give up on me! I’ve been checking spam each day, will check again
It has disappeared Ellie, I cannot see it any of the usual folders – I’m so sorry about that as I would have loved to hear your thoughts. 😊💕
So powerful! Healing can be a painful process, but it is still healing and the path to a happier life. I’m so glad you have the courage to stick with your counseling! And your writing is very, very good.
Thank you very much, Ann, for your kind words and also your understanding – it means a lot to me. Sometimes, it would be easier to give up on the therapy, but I know it is indeed the path to happiness and peace of mind. Xx 💖
Adults can better handle some things that happened to us as children. If we are in safe places we can handle them better still. A good counsellor can create that safe place. I am glad you found one who can.
Yes, I agree with you, rawgod. Awful things that happen to children can often take years, decades or even a lifetime, in my case, to surface and even being able to accept the truth of our experiences and begin to deal with them can take just as long. I did have a previous counsellor who did me as much damage as the people who hurt me as a child in the first place. I will explain a little more about this in answer to your comment on my previous post. I am very fortunate that I’ve finally found the right counsellor to help me recover from these things that happened in my past and even more recent years. Although I do still feel very vulnerable, I know I’m doing the right thing for me to enable me to finally start the healing process. It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel that peace of mind, healing and recovery are possible with the right help, a lot of hard work and persistence, and sticking with it however tough it gets. I’m trying to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you well, my friend.
As I wish you well also..Having been a counsellor for a period of my life, there were people I connected with, and people I did not connect with. My approach did not work for everyone. But I like to think it worked for those I did connect with. The biggest problem was in that once a client stopped coming, I never knew for sure if they relapsed or not. I could think I knew which ones would succeed and which ones would not, but I can never know for sure.
Evocative poetry. I’m not surprised. This is gorgeous. How I love it.
I heard the music in the rhyme. Keep doing this. You’re great at it. 👏
Hope all’s well in the home front. Stay sweet. XoXo
Thank you so much, my friend. I’m glad you liked it and that means a lot to me. Everything here is okay, thank you. I hope all is well with you, too. Xxx 💖💕💖
Powerful poem!!
Beautifully expressed.
Great work Ellie.
You are wonderful
Thank you so much, Devang. That’s so kind of you to say. Hope you’re having a good day. Xxx 🌞
So real and raw Ellie.The last two lines are so hopeful and reassuring!
Thank you so much, Mousumi. That means a lot to me. There is always room for hope and improvement. Thanks again. Ellie xx 💟
My best wishes ❤️
Beautiful writing Ellie! So proud of you and your writing is wonderful inspiration too! Keep writing and thank you for sharing with us! 🙏💖💖
Thank you so much for your kind words to me. I’m very honoured by them. I’ve got a tab open on my laptop ready to read your blog later. I’m looking forward to that. Take care xx 💜❣💛
You are so welcome 🙏 💖 and thank you 😊 And, you take care and continue writing and sharing!
Excellent my friend.
Just hate the idea of you going through all that pain again.
Thank you very much, Granny. Try not to worry – I’m okay. My ‘stuff’ will just take some working through. I’ll get there, though. Love you Xxx 💖💞💝
That’s well described, Ellie. I’m glad it sounds as though you’re making progress.
Thank you, Mick. As we’ve known each other for so long, you might remember me writing about this topic many years ago (or possibly not). I think I was writing this when I saw my previous counsellor, which you may remember was a nightmare. I’m writing in a similar vein recently as I have a new counsellor having been out of therapy for a long time; only this time, I’m very happy with her and, as you commented, I am making good progress even though it can be harrowing at times. When I come out of this phase, I’ll undoubtedly feel much less fragile and more whole.
How are you doing, Mick? How are your family? I know you’ve been taking a break from blogging, so I hope you have had some respite. Are you just popping in to catch up with reading a few blogs, or do you intend to write again? I miss your posts and your input. I wish you well, my friend 🌞.
I do remember you writing about it, Ellie, and that it all went very wrong. This sounds a lot more positive.
And no, I’ve not got anything to post at the moment, but thought I’d just dip into a few blogs. I will keep doing that, on and off, while I sort out my writing which seems to be going nowhere fast at the moment. Other than that, we’re doing okay, thanks.
I’m sure we’ll speak again soon!
We’ve certainly known each other for a long time, Mick, haven’t we? The last couple of poems I recently published are similar to some of my old ones, except they have been altered, updated and tell a slightly different ‘story’, more suited to now rather than then. (This is just for your information, not a hint to read them, by the way.)
I hope your creative juices come flooding back very soon, but I also know how much time reading other bloggers’ posts takes. Speak soon. Take care of yourself in the meantime.
Quite a while, Ellie, yes. I’ll take a look at a few of your poems later – I’ll be interested to read them.
And thanks. I’m sure the muse will make a reappearance sometime!
Keep talking to and loving on that inner child and healing will come. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words.
Thank you very much for reading my poem and leaving me such a kind comment, Bridgette. I will take your advice and try to do that. Healing takes quite some time, but I am determined to get there. X 🌷
Wow. I feel like we carry around a wardrobe filled with the lots of drawers, where we place each of our traumas. Sometimes a drawer, which is usually firmly shut, gets opened, because someone turned the key in the lock, or some pressure from outside or the weight of the other drawers just pops it open.
I’m glad it was your therapist with the key and you were in safe hands and able to continue with the process of healing.
Sarah, that’s a truly excellent way to describe where we keep our traumas – lots of locked drawers – until, as you say, someone or something turns the key. I dissociate at other times, too, not only in therapy, although it’s less often than it used to be. Trying to describe the experience to someone who hasn’t had this happen is really very difficult. However, you’ve come up with the perfect explanation here. My counsellor, Chris, is great with me when this happens. She knows just how to ‘get me back’ from that scary place at the right time. At some point in my life, I’d like to be more in control of when I dissociate, as it can cause quite a lot of confusion and misunderstanding from others. Unfortunately, I’ve only got another 8-10 weeks with Chris, although I feel I would benefit from many more sessions. Thank you for making me feel less alone with this. X 💛
Good to hear that you are healing.
Isn’t it amazing how we can remember something out of nowhere and break down? Memories are so powerful, but we can learn to make peace with them.
Thanks, Sam. The mind is a complicated and fascinating organ (apparently, I found out a while back that the brain is classed as an organ) – for some absurd reason, I hadn’t realised this before. My memories are currently coming thick and fast, hence my last few somewhat sombre poems. However, I’m determined to come to terms with them and gradually heal. It’ll take some time, but I am willing to put the work in, especially in my therapy. I hope you are well, Sam. X
Aw Ellie, you really do have a way with words to process how you’re feeling and what you experience. I hope little girl Ellie can start to heal and feel safer, because the adult Ellie is fierce and courageous for sharing this with us, for working through the trauma of the past and for moving forward each day 💜
Caz xx
Thank you so much for such kind and encouraging words, Caz. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Healing is hard work as you might already know. I’m not giving up – I still have far to go, but I know I’ll get there eventually. I find writing so cathartic – it really does help me to express myself and process my feelings in a way that I couldn’t do if I were speaking out loud. Love Ellie Xx 🌷💛🌺
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 Been there. Great writing!
Thank you very much for taking the time to look at my blog and read my poem. I really appreciate you doing that. I’m also sorry that you have experienced the same thing as I know how the root cause can be so painful. Do take care of yourself, Hal … Ellie xx 🦢💙💗🤍
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
You are very welcome, Hal xx 🦢🌷💖
I just now watched that video. I had only recognized the music because bits of it were used in some TV ad. Just now was the first time I watched the entire video. Yea, I could have used her as a friend growing up. But this poem here, I love how you start out haunting the reader with the fearful child at the start, then towards the end “abate” and finding that inspiration to stand strong. “The adult returned”.
For the love of humanity, don’t stop writing. You are amazing!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such kind words, Brian. The ‘Brave’ video is excellent, isn’t it? I find it very inspiring. I’m so glad you liked my poem. I’m having a bit of a tough time lately, as you may have gathered from my most recent posts, but I know I’ll heal in good time, but it’s a painful road to travel at the moment. Thank you so much for your encouragement to continue to write. That makes me happy. Thank you … Ellie 😘
It can be tough for sure. But always know there are people who care, even if we can’t be the neurons or thoughts you have. Everyone is an island, but the waves that are calm and the waves that stem from storms, are the waves of life.
What a lovely thought and analogy, Brian. Thank you. I am fortunate to have such a caring and kind WP family (you included, of course). I send you my best wishes as we travel our individual journeys.
Yes, “Brave” is an awesome video. Her smile is infectious.