Audience of One

(Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash)

I thought I might be on the road to healing

Well, it’s about time, too, they say

Questioning me with persistence

As I died a little more that day

~~~

Do you think this is simply a drama

Played to the audience through neon lights

Just a show for your pleasure, ma’am

While I instantly freeze with stage fright

~~~

Where are those skills you’ve learned

The ones that are meant to help you cope

You really ought to try harder, they say

As I turn away, giving up all hope

~~~

You’re no spring chicken; get on with your life

Don’t you think you’ve wasted enough years

Dragging up the past; c’mon, time to move on

Wipe away those crocodile tears

~~~

But I still have flashbacks; they haunt my mind

I can’t tell you how they scare me so

You don’t understand where I’ve been in my life

What d’you mean, you’re now ready to go

~~~

I’m angry now for those harsh words spoken

But I can’t get allow myself to scream and shout

I am choking back salty tears of utter despair

I just wish I could let go and cry it all out

~~~

Perhaps, it’s better you depart now

Go, get in your car if you must

Don’t come back here asking questions

My lips are sealed; ne’er again will I trust.

31 thoughts on “Audience of One

  1. A powerful one, and the last line dealt the hardest blow. I’m sorry you feel that way – opening up and then not being taken care of hurts.

    While I have not lived what you have lived through, all I can say is that I understand both sides. I want you to live; to let the light win over darkness. But, I know it’s hard. It might be a bit of a simplification, but certain recoveries are constant, never-ending battles, I feel. You have to KEEP using all of the tools you’ve gathered in your toolbox. It’s not a one-and-done fix… It’s exhausting. Sometimes darkness will envelop us and fill our veins with ink, but, once we’re ready, we’re able to clean all of that and replace it with light and life. Or so I hope.

    1. Thank you for your wise and honest words. I want and am determined to get to that place of healing, Sam. I know I still have much hard work to do, but I will get there. I want to let the light in again and live as freely as possible without all the traumatic memories in my head. I know that they’ll never disappear altogether, but I hope I will be able to deal with them without all the agony connected to them. It is a bit of a constant battle right now; my writing helps, though. My therapist has given me tools to help me to cope, which I’m beginning to be able to do. It is, as you say, exhausting right now. I felt that the person I spoke with yesterday was rather harsh and shattered my trust, but I will get over that – I felt so vulnerable and put down when that happened. However, I do trust my friends and my readers, who are incredibly kind and supportive of me, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. Thanks to you also for being there as one of those kind people and for your thoughts and advice. Xx 💕

  2. I am going to offer you a suggestion, Ellie. Take it or not, that is up to you. Don’t trust. Wallow in the fear of others, and how they react. Let yourself fall to the bottom, and when you get there, try to dig even deeper into despair.
    I will not give you any reason to do this. I will only say this: discovery comes at price.

    1. Thank you for your comment and your words of advice, J. I’m not sure I understand what you mean, however. Would you be kind enough to elaborate on this, as I’m intrigued to know more about why you say this? I appreciate you saying you will not give me any reason to take this advice, but I must confess, I’m at a bit of a loss here—many thanks.

      1. The action is to feel really sorry for yourself, to just let all the tragedies you have suffered overwhelm you for awhile. Make yourelf feel as bad and hopeless as possible.
        All these things that happened, they were not your fsult. They were out of your control. Why you? You didn’t deserve this!
        Instead of fighting, go with the sadness, the anger, the desperation, or whatever other emotions you are feeling. Indulge yourself.

        If I tell you why, it probably will not work. I reserve this action for when I cannot get out of bed in the morning anymore because life just doesn’t seem worth living anymore. It has actualky been years since I lsst used it, or even suggested it to someone I knew. Basically I had forgotten about it.
        But your above poem brought it all back, so I thought I would offer it to you. In order to try it, I think one has to make a conscious choice to give up and see where the feelings take you. The only rule is, suicide if off the table! If you get stuck in the sadness and sorrow, seek help from a trusted friend or counsellor.

        Many years ago I nade a pact with myself. No matter how bad things get, I cannot take my own life, or cause my life to end on purpose. Life is a gift, an opportunity that cannot be thrown away, ever! When death comes, as it surely will, I will accept it, however it happens. But I will not and cannot help it to happen. I have dedicated my life to living, that is how important life is for me.

        So, if you think you are capable of killing yourself, do not do the thing I suggested. No one who has used this action as suggested by me has killed themselves. I know someone else’s commitment to life nay not be as strong as mine, but so far the people I trusted with it are still alive, or lived to their deaths. I can say no more.

      2. Thank you for explaining this so well, J. I understand a little more now. I don’t feel this would be right for me, as I don’t want to let myself get down to that point because of my other responsibilities. Although my children are both adults, I need to be there for them as they are both dealing with difficult circumstances themselves. Plus, I have four grandchildren to think about, one of whom is struggling with her mental health at such a young age. I need to be there and present for her, too. And then, of course, my son and two youngest grandchildren will be coming to stay frequently in the not too distant future, and I can’t afford to be so low that I can’t communicate with them. It would be very upsetting for the little ones. How did you find coping and communicating with your family and friends during the time you did this? As for killing myself, no, I wouldn’t do that now, but I have attempted suicide many times going back about 10-15 years. I couldn’t risk putting myself back in that place again if it all got too much. I’m so glad that it worked for you, though, and for any of your friends or others who tried this method. Thanks again, as always, for your advice, J. 💕

      3. Like I said, I don’t want to give any real instructions or hints on how to to this, that creates expectations which can interfere with the process. But I will say it has never “not worked” yet.

  3. ❤️we have to choose the ears to which we speak wisely, and how can we be wise when we are human? This is so authentic Ellie and no matter what you bring to the moment, if it is embodied in authenticity then it cannot be wrong. You cannot be wrong. So if you are not wrong, then the person you chose was. Sending you love ❤️

    1. Thank you, Kate, for your kind and understanding words. I hadn’t seen the person I had this conversation with for quite a few years. Maybe she spoke out of despair or frustration at seeing me still battling with the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my body. Nevertheless, I do feel she could have expressed these thoughts more kindly; I probably need to forgive her and move on, but I wish it weren’t so difficult, having been hurt by her words and attitude. Perhaps something I need to work on some more. My poetry and general posts are always authentic – I know no other way to be or write. I haven’t always been this sad and sombre; it wasn’t so long ago that I was posting about my birthday and my holiday in Southend – I want to get to that place again. It’s just tough at the moment. Thanks again, dear Kate. Sending you to love also Xx 💖💕

  4. I feel someone — in a nasty comment perhaps— put this pen in your hands this time.
    Darling, don’t give them the power to put you in this place… so what if they don’t like it— you’re not doing it for them. This is your unfolding.
    Take others’ comments with a grain of salt but NEVER NEVER give up on hope!! Please.

    But this poem is gorgeous. Just sayin’
    Blessing you. I wish you miracles XoXo

    1. Dear Selma, thank you for being so kind and understanding. You are right; this was a nasty comment(s) made to me by a person I hadn’t seen for a few years. I understand that she might have been coming from a place of despair and frustration. Perhaps, I need to forgive and wonder why else she would have made such remarks. But, as you say, I’m not on my healing journey for her, just for myself. My genuine friends and readers/friends on WP have been so kind and supportive, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. It can’t be easy to plough through my poetry when it continues to be so sad and serious. I shan’t give up hope, my friend. Hope is still there like a candle flame blowing in the wind. Thank you for your kindness, support and friendship, Selma. Thank you, too, for liking my poem; I find my poetry cathartic. Somewhat surprisingly, I slept well last night and can see things a little clearer this morning. Love to you, my friend Xxx 💜🌷💛

  5. There are few things worse than opening yourself up to someone who doesn’t get it, and whose words cut to the quick. I’m so sorry…what a powerful poem!

    1. Thank you for your kindness and understanding so well, Ann. She just doesn’t get where I’m at at all, and her words hurt me deeply. I can’t forget them or how they made me feel yesterday. However, having slept surprisingly well, I am trying to be forgiving of her thoughtlessness and harsh words. Perhaps, she was having a hard time herself or maybe, I inadvertently triggered something in her. I always try to come from a place of understanding, although this one is tough. I’m not giving up hope, though. My true friends, including my friends here at WP, have been wonderfully kind and supportive, which is appreciated so much. It means the world to me. X

    1. Thank you, Granny. This person’s words hurt me deeply yesterday. Although I’m trying to come from a place of forgiveness, it’s tough. I shan’t be seeing this woman again. Forgiving is one thing, but putting myself on the firing line to be hurt again is another and isn’t something I relish. As I’ve said to my other friends who have commented on my poem, I appreciate my true friends here at WP and my real-life friends (I count you as both). You are all so kind and supportive of me. I don’t know how I’d be if I wasn’t able to express myself with my poetry on my blog – it means the world to me that people are so lovely. Love you lots, too, Granny Xxxxx 💜🌷💞

  6. Oh, I’m so sorry someone is treating you this way. Trauma knows no timeline of healing. Keep working through things and turning to face the darkness of the past, but keeping the light on and those who love and support you close.

    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful and caring comment, Bridgette. I am so glad you recognise that trauma has no timeline for healing. Some people, including the occasional ‘professional’, seem to think I can just rush through this. If only it were that easy. Although I haven’t spoken of my feelings to my children or wider family, I do find my writing very cathartic, and the responses and support I receive here at WP are invaluable. Both my children are going through a difficult time lately, and I don’t want to burden them further with my troubles. I need to be strong for them. They need all the support I can give them at the moment. I guess, at least, when I’m concentrating on them, I don’t have as much time to dwell on my own issues. I’m not sure, though, whether that’s a good or bad thing. I do hope you and your family are doing okay at the moment. Xx 💜😘

      1. I think helping others can be a good distraction and make you feel better about yourself, but only as long as you are still working on yourself. Be strong and keep going. ❤️❤️❤️

      2. Yes, you’re right, Bridgette, helping others (which I do already do quite a lot) does help me to concentrate on other people rather than on my own issues all the time. I keep quite busy with various activities (apart from my writing). I still get out and see people; it’s just when I’m alone at home that it all really gets to me. Xx 💜🌻💖

  7. You know I’m waiting each time for your posts now, does therapy help? How does it feel to tell your innermost troubles. I tried a year or two ago, only once. So hard to talk and cry, it felt better though and helped a little. I think just talking. My greatest healer or drug at the moment is a hug, there is nothing that makes me feel that little bit better about myself, even if it is for a miniscule moment of my day in comparison. Thank god for hugs.

    1. Thank you for reading my posts, Phil. You truly are a man after my own heart. I feel the same way about hugs; they are so comforting and healing. I hope you have people to hug you around you. I get the occasional hug from a friend, which helps a bit. I do find therapy helps, although sometimes you have to go through the dark bits (as I’m currently doing) to get to the light again. My current therapy ends at Christmas, and I’m very worried about how I’ll cope after that as I don’t feel ready to end yet. Unfortunately, treatment has to be paid for, and I can’t afford it any longer. I can open up to my therapist. It’s not always easy to begin with, but once you feel comfortable with each other, it feels more natural. I can definitely recommend you try it again if you feel ready and that it would help. In the meantime, although we hardly know each other, I’m sending you some warm {{{hugs}}} 🤗🤗🤗

      1. Yeah, that’s the problem with therapy, over here it’s like 50 quid for 40 or 45 minutes. It should be free, so many people have mental health issues, why should we pay to see somebody. It’s not like we want to feel the way we do. I would have trouble telling someone all I think in my head. I have one person that I discuss that with back in England. Other than that I don’t. I say what I do in my poetry as if I can yell how I feel, even that is better than saying nothing, free therapy. You’re listening. My piece yesterday connected to someone who said thanks, that’s exactly how I feel. It is therapeutic in its own way. I find music helps too, was so down this morning but feeling better this evening. Hope you are too Ellie. Thanks for your words.

      2. Therapy over here is about that price, too, Phil. I agree; it should be free, given how prevalent mental health issues are in today’s society. I can open up honestly with my current therapist, but, as I said, my time with her runs out at Christmas. I’m going to really miss it and am not sure how I’ll cope with all my feelings without being able to talk about them each week. I’m glad that you have someone here in England, who you can talk to, though. I can tell your poetry is written from your heart, as mine is, and I can identify with it. It’s good to have someone to listen to our issues even if we don’t know them personally. I find it so helpful that people here at WP are very supportive, although I fear they will soon get fed up reading about my sadness and sorrows. I’m glad someone thanked you yesterday and that inspired you to write. It’s good to be appreciated. I used to listen to music a lot; now, I only do so occasionally. Not sure why that’s changed. It might be because I can concentrate on my writing better without background sounds. I hope you are feeling well this morning 💕

    1. Thank you for your concern, Mick. Yes, I am moving past that event now. At the time, I was very hurt by how this person spoke to me, and I did feel angry and upset after they left. I doubt I’ll ever lose my trusting nature – I’m probably too trusting for my own good, but that’s just how I am with people. I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt (not sure if that’s a good thing or not). The only problem with trusting everyone is that not everybody is trustworthy, and I often get hurt. I tend to learn the hard way.

      1. It’s difficult, but I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt until I’m proved wrong. It can sometimes backfire, of course, but I would rather do that than treat someone with distrust and suspicion for no reason. But that’s me – I’m not suggesting anyone follow my lead.

  8. Sweet Ellie, keep writing what your heart desires on your personal blog. Whatever it takes to heal, whatever you desire to write, whatever…., keep writing and inspiring. Love, Tangie

    1. Aww, Tangie, thank you for your beautiful words and encouragement. You are very kind. I find writing to be cathartic, although I appreciate it might be a bit tough on my readers with me continuing to write on such sad and depressing topics. However, I did share an uplifting song and video last night. It gave me some hope and inspiration to keep going. Much love to you … Ellie Xx 💖

      1. You are welcome. I experienced setbacks in the past because I allowed others to dictate how I should “get over it” and what I should and should not say. I soon learn God and I will deal with it and let others deal with their experiences what is best for them. You know you and do what is best for you. One reason I like WordPress is we are bloggers of encouragement, support and love. Have a great day Ellie 🤗

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