Bedlam

(Image by Yatheesh Gowda from Pixabay)

An ear to listen, a hand to hold
My story’s been told a hundred-fold
About my abuse, about my pain
And my mental health that f—s with my brain

~~~

I’ve told of my struggles, I’ve told of my fight
Whatever I do, I can’t get it right
My body’s tired, my mind’s been stricken
With thoughts that make my heartbeat quicken

~~~

Exhausted from flashbacks that dim my sight
Nights full of terror, I turn on the light
I canโ€™t release anger, as just though it is
It’s not me whoโ€™s evil; the guilt is all his

~~~

My mind is a jumble, just word upon word
My thinking is such that the lines become blurred
When will my world stop spinning around
My head craves silence, please not a sound

~~~

Yet the thunder continues, there is no rest
And bedlam moved in as a permanent guest
Is there no respite for one such as me
Whilst chaos is reigning but no one can see.





25 thoughts on “Bedlam

  1. Oh, Ellie. This was hard to read as I’m aching for you right now. I want those storms to pass so you can find peace. Please keep taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and know there’s light out there.

    1. Thank you for such a deep level of understanding, Bridgette, and for your kind thoughts and wishes. Taking one day at a time is all I can do right now. I will keep looking for that light. I’m not going to give up. I owe it to my family and friends to get well again. I owe it to myself, too, although that’s harder to accept sometimes. Love to you, Bridgette Xx ๐Ÿ’–

    1. Thank you very much for your comment and prayers, Brian. They are appreciated. I’m hanging on to the fact, which is still difficult to do, that things will get better. My best wishes to you, also.

  2. I’m so sorry for how hard your struggling right now! I think the best line in this very powerful poem was, “It’s not me who’s evil, the fault is all his.” That’s the absolute truth, and I hope it is a comfort. Praying you find peace…….

    1. Thank you so much for your kind comment and for your prayers, Ann. I am beginning to realise that it’s not me who is the bad one, but the man (if you can call him that), the perpetrator that’s the evil one. Realising that does help to shift the blame from me to him. Thank you for all your support. X ๐Ÿ’–

  3. Ellie, have you considered taking a short hiatus from the journey you are presently on? Nothing long, just a step back to reassess how far you have come.
    You have come a long way, Ellie, and while you are not yet where you want to be, you are no longer where you once were. Take some time to honour your successes, and restore your strentgh before you return to battle. You are going to win this war, I do not doubt that. But you do not have to do it all at one go.

    1. Thank you for your good advice, J. I hadn’t considered that but will give it some very careful thought. I’m beginning to accept that my memories are just that and not happening to me now. However, when the flashbacks and nightmares come, it’s difficult to remember that. They are very overwhelming. Thank you for having faith in me to win this war. I appreciate that. X

      1. Please don’t consider this advice, Ellie, just think about it as ideas from one person who has fought pain to another who is fighting pain. While my pain was never anywhere as great as yours, it was still real, and I learnd some things along the way that might have value to you, and anyone else who is fighting their pain.
        I hate to write clichรฉs, but today I will just say, Rome was not built in one day.

  4. I think Rawgod’s advice is good, Ellie. Sometimes (and obviously I’m speaking from my own point of view, here) I think it helps to focus on not where you’re coming from, but where you’re going to. It may help to write something from that perspective.

    1. Thank you for your comment and opinion, Mick. Both are appreciated. I’ve replied to Rawgod along this line, too. I think writing something (probably not poetry) will be a good idea to enable me to explore these thoughts. I will give it some very careful thought. Thanks again, Mick. X

  5. You are doing great things, giving inspiration to many and showing healing in yourself too. It is hard, but you are strong and your beautiful heart shines through in all that you share and do! Much love and blessings my dear! ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž

    1. Thank you so much for your very kind and encouraging words, my friend. I am deeply touched by them. Things are very hard at the moment, and although I don’t feel very strong, my readers kindly tell me that I am. All I have to do now is to convince myself of that. I wish it was easier. I am trying my best, though. Thank you so much for your love and blessings – they are much appreciated. Sending love to you, also. Ellie Xx ๐Ÿ’œ๐ŸŒท๐Ÿ’ž

    1. Thank you so much, Phil. I’m glad this piece appealed to you in this way. I do often feel like banging my head against the wall, although rarely do it. Those thoughts are very much in my mind when I’m writing, though. Hope you’re okay, or as okay as you can be right now.

  6. Ellie, you are a brave woman and a wonderful poet! You express yourself so well and hopefully the act of writing may help you purge some of the bad stuff. I can see through the comments on this and other posts you have some good and supportive friendsโ€ฆ in that at least you are well served. I am slowly exploring your wonderful blog!

    1. Thank you so much for such kind words, Tallisman. I find writing my thoughts in poetry very cathartic. It does help me to express myself in a way that speech alone can’t do. You are quite right, too; I have some wonderful blogging friends on WP – I don’t know where I’d be without their support. I’m honoured that you have chosen to read my posts. I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog, too.

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