Pretence

Being honest here and speaking my truth as I always do, I’m not okay today. I don’t feel much like the success I referred to in my last poem. I saw my counsellor this afternoon. She was going to let me know if I could continue to see her as my funding has nearly run out. I’d spoken with the organisation’s manager on Friday, and she assured me she would discuss my case with C. (my counsellor) and that I’d have a decision by this week’s session. As it turned out, the manager hadn’t spoken to C. I expect there’s a good reason for this; however, it doesn’t help my distress and worry at not knowing where I stand. C. told me she wouldn’t be there next week either, so I now have to wait another two weeks before knowing what will happen. I feel lost and alone.

PRETENCE

It’s tough pretending to be okay
when I’m absolutely not
I find myself smiling and chatting away
to stop others sensing the rot

~~~

I’m trying to write my song differently
I’m trying to appear upbeat
There’s far too much for others to hear
if it’s only the pain I excrete  

~~~

If only they knew what the truth was
that I’m shrivelling up inside
so I stay quiet and keep my thoughts to myself
while my innocent inner child died

~~~

I currently stand on a precipice
I’m looking for a safe way to go
I join in the fun with a crowd of friends
not letting all my pain show

~~~

I’m angry inside with that b******
He’s the one who caused all this sh*t
So, why am I carrying the blame in my heart
when I don’t belong in this pit

~~~

He should have been tried in a court
They asked me if I wanted to tell
but I was far too scared of speaking the truth
I’d already been through hell

~~~

If he were alive, I would prosecute
I’d make him stand facing the beak**
I’d tell all of his vile wicked deeds
as now it is my turn to speak.


(** The word ‘beak’ is an English slang word for judge or magistrate)












53 thoughts on “Pretence

  1. Hi Ellie,
    I am sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I wish I had some magical words capable of making it all better but I don’t. When I feel overwhelmed I like to talk to my cat or my dog, even my plants. It helps letting some words out and plants don’t talk back, great listeners. If you need someone to talk to, I am here 🙂 Take care Ellie!

    1. Thank you so much for being there, J. and for wishing me magical words to make it all better. That’s a very kind thought. I do talk to Peanut sometimes, but naturally, being a cat, she can’t reply, although she is very comforting to have around. Take care of yourself, too. Xx 💖

  2. You cannot tell him, Ellie, but you can tell us what you would like to say to him. Let it out, Ellie. It helps to say it out loud! And it helps to say it in public…

    1. Thank you so much, J., for your understanding and encouragement to speak my truth. It does help to express it amongst friends, even or especially, my friends here at WP. I’m reluctant to share my deepest thought with my flesh-and-blood friends for fear of rejection. Perhaps, I will write an unsent letter to the b****** here saying just what I’d like to say to him as if he were still alive. At least, I’m only assuming he isn’t alive anymore because he would be about 80 now, so younger than my parents if they were still with me. He disappeared back to his family in Trinidad before the police could catch up with him. Thanks so much again, J, for being there to hear me X

      1. I wanted to suggest a letter, but because you use poetry so well I thought it best to remain silent on the medium. And if you do post it here, if I may, I would suggest you turn off the comments for that post, and let it exist alone, as is, a communication between you and the b******.
        And know we love you and accept you no matter what. But that is just a suggestion. You do you.

      2. Dear J, you really do express the most reassuring and sensible comments. I’m going to think about whether I want to write a letter to the b****** in letter form or poetry. I think it’s more likely to be letter form as then there is no limiting my words to form rhyme or prose. Thanks for the tip about turning off comments. I wasn’t aware that was an option. I will take a look at the editing page. I’m going to give the whole thing a lot of thought before I publish anything. Thank you so much for bearing with me as I try to journey to a more peaceful destination. Ellie x 💜

      3. I do not truly know if it is possible to turn off comments for one post, but I assume it is because there are people who never allow comments (I never read their blogs more than once, no matter how good of writers they are, or are not!), and there are people who turn off their comments after a period of time, as if their post is a time-limited offer (I don’t follow such people because I like to read old pists but what’s the use if I cannot tell them how I react to their words? Expressing one’s reactions and feelings is the whole point of social media, is it not?)
        So, I presume there must be a way to shut them off before you start. I have not looked yet, but if anyone out there knows a simple way I am sure they will share their knowledge. It should not be a hard thing to do, but this is Word Press — they like to make some things difficult.
        But as you will, if you can.

  3. My adoptive dad was an abusive bully, he got drunk just about every day, he yelled at me all the time, punched and slapped me all the time. I have no compunction in saying I was glad when he died of cancer. Not a revenge thing, but just in the relief that he was no longer around to torture me.

    1. I’m so sorry you were subjected to that awful abuse, Brian. That’s totally unforgivable in my eyes. It’s never okay to beat a child. I’m sorry you were hurt so much. I can understand very well why you would feel that way about your adoptive dad’s death. I understand that it’s not revenge and it’s very natural that it was such a relief to know he wasn’t able to harm you in this way anymore. I’m wishing you all the best X

  4. I know you’re already asleep. When the darkness begins creeping in on me, I go to bed. 80% of the time I’m feeling better the next day, or at least better enough. I hope you wake to a clear head. It won’t make your funding problem with your counselor go away, but you might get some relief from the pain of it all.

    1. Thanks, Jeff. I did go up to bed very early; in fact, just after I’d written this post. I didn’t get a lot of sleep, though. It was mainly a restless night. I think I will try to draw or paint how I feel today (not something I’ve done much of before). It might help. Also, as rawgod said above, perhaps, I will write an unsent letter to my perpetrator, and if I have the guts, I might share it here, as my blog is my safe little personal world. None of my family or friends even know that my blog exists. I’ll have to see how brave I feel. I doubt very much if the person in question is alive now, as he would be about 80 and went back to live with his family in Trinidad before the police could catch up with him to question him. Thanks again for your kind thoughts, Jeff x

  5. Ellie. It pains me to see you in pain, and have so little to offer from a distance. But I am sending love and light your way. I do not pretend to know the specifics of yours story, but I recognize this rage and the despair that comes from feeling unheard, and I want to tell you I hear you. And am grateful for your light. And to reiterate that yes, it is your turn to speak. Love.

    1. Thank you for expressing your very kind thoughts and wishes for me, Stacey. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. My blog is the only place that I do feel heard – thank you so much for being one of the lovely people on WP who cares and encourages me to speak my truth. Thanks so much again, my friend. Hugs Xx 💜

  6. Dearest Ellie. I’m sending you a bunch of love from across the ocean. Uncertainty is a terrible feeling and I imagine a bit of a trigger for you. It’s hard to not know what tomorrow looks like and to know if you’ll continue to get the help you need.

    It’s always okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel good one moment and not the next. It’s okay to pretend to be happy but be sinking down inside. I wish you could get justice for what happened to you. I wish he could face the world for what he did. It’s not fair at all.

    May today be a little better than yesterday.

    1. Dear Bridgette, thank you so much for your love from over the ocean. It’s so much appreciated. I don’t get many hugs at home. I haven’t told my family how I feel as both my children have got a lot going on in their own lives without me dumping my stuff on them. They had a tough time when I had serious mental health issues when they were younger so I feel very protective towards them now. I like them to know that I’m always here for them despite how I’m feeling.

      You are right about the uncertainty being a trigger for me. When I was young, I was never sure what was going to happen to me and when. The next two weeks can’t go quickly enough for me, but even then, I might not get the outcome I so need. It’s really scary having to wait on tenterhooks all that time.

      Thank you so much for your reassurance that it’s okay for me to feel so up and down. One minute I can be fine, but often, the next minute I’m down in that pit again. I don’t seem to have any control over it right now. I wish now that I’d gone to court to prosecute him, but he’d be about eighty now and he went back to his home country in Trinidad before the police could catch him. Goodness knows how many other children he abused during the course of his lifetime. I hate to think. I’m thinking of writing him an unsent letter, just to get my feelings out towards him. If I do, I haven’t decided whether to share it or not yet (that’s if I manage to write it without falling apart. I think it may be cathartic, though). I’m going to give it a lot more thought before I decide. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and caring. Love Ellie Xxx 🤍

      1. I really hate to think of that terrible man too. Writing the letter sounds like a wonderful idea to me. Perhaps afterward you could have a ceremony to rid yourself of him and his memory. I had to do that with a person who hurt me terribly. I burned the letter I wrote and also a few things which reminded me of him. While it didn’t erase all that happened to me, it felt powerful. It felt like I had taken back control and I was choosing my own path forward. Whatever looks right to you, Ellie, I know you will find it. I believe in you.

        I’m so glad our paths have crossed. More hugs coming your way.

      2. Thank you for your reply, dear Bridgette. I like your idea of burning the letter if I ever manage to write it. I attempted it this afternoon, but somehow, it came out very polite and I just couldn’t release any anger into it. I’ve stopped halfway, but may do a bit more work on it tomorrow. I’m sorry you had cause to feel this way about someone in your life who hurt you, too. I don’t think any amount of writing will make me forget him altogether – it’s all too deep rooted now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for believing in me. Not many people have said that to me over my lifetime. I’m also very pleased that our paths have crossed. You are very valued blogging friend, who has a very big and generous heart. Thanks again, my friend. Many hugs coming in your direction, too. Love Ellie Xx 🌷🤍🌺

    1. That’s so kind of you to say I can vent if I need to, Phil. Thank you very much for understanding where I’m at. I’m not in a great place right now. Hopefully, it will pass before too long. Thanks for reading.

    1. Thank you so much for caring and encouraging me to continue to write. I very much appreciate you being there to read my posts, although I’m aware that, currently, they’re not the most cheerful posts to be reading. Thank you again, Devang.

      1. Cheerful or not.
        You are sharing what’s inside you.
        I hope this writing will ease the pain a bit.
        Remember,you are never alone. You have beautiful wp family.
        So keep sharing and let’s find the sun together

      2. What a lovely comment you have written to me, my friend. I am incredibly grateful to have my wonderful, supportive friends at WP. I feel very blessed by them all. Hopefully, the sun will shine again soon. X

  7. I hope you’ll get more counselling appointments really soon, 2 weeks is too long to have to wait for help. I so relate to your “pretence” poem, we seem forced to wear smiling masks and answer “Yeah, great!” when people ask “How are you?” so I love your bravery and honesty in saying “no, I’m NOT ok today”. Yuss, girl!!! Sending you lots of love ❤️

    1. Thank you so much for popping by my blog and for your caring comment, Janet. That’s really so kind of you. I think I’ve spend quite a few times in my life making out, ‘I’m fine’ when I really haven’t been. I find out on Wednesday whether I can continue my counselling with the therapist I’m currently with. It’s not looking hopeful, though and I don’t have the funds to go anywhere privately as most other therapists charge in the region of £50 per session! Money I just don’t have. Thank you for understanding that I’m actually not okay right now as my poem says. I truly hope I won’t always feel like this. I really do want to get to a better place, and know I will do again in time. Thanks again for reading my poem. It’s very much appreciated. Love to you, also, Janet … Ellie X 💜

      1. I hope it’s ok to pray for you. I’ll be praying God’s blessings on your finances and in the appointments with the Psych you’ve already made a connection with – especially as it’s not so expensive xx

      2. Thank you, Janet. That would be lovely, although I’m not a religious person but I am touched and grateful that you have offered to pray for me. I will update my blog on Wednesday or Thursday when I hear what’s going to happen with my counselling, although I might write something before then. Thanks again, Janet. You truly are so kind. Hugs Xx 💛

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