Enough is Enough

I wrote this poem last night when I felt extremely low and depressed. It was honestly how I felt at the time. Today, not a lot has changed, but please be assured that I’ll be okay, Writing is my only way of releasing my pain and deepest feelings, as you all know, so I needed to express this. Love, Ellie Xxx πŸ’—

Ellie Thompson


Jagged boulders tumbling down
the mountainside on me
I stand poised for the impact
when I really ought to flee

~~~

The rocky ground below me
trembles as they land
missing me by inches
that wasn’t what I’d planned

~~~

The malicious demon at the top
starts throwing down his flame
He’s thirsty for a death
Should I play his little game?

~~~

I’m exhausted from the fighting
with this dreadful, awful stuff
I feel I can’t go on
Because enough is enough

~~~

Suicide’s not painless
And I can vouch for that
For someone else is sitting
In the seat where I once sat.





(Image source – Image by Goran Horvat from Pixabay)





79 thoughts on “Enough is Enough

    1. Thank you, Brian. I’m sort of glad you can identify with my poem – I just don’t like to think of you being in the same amount of pain. I do hope you’re coping okay, or as well as you can be. Thank you for forwarding my poem to your Twitter page – that’s appreciated. Take care.

  1. I love how writing, art making, and music are such a wonderful release and so very therapeutic! It’s amazing how powerful they are!

    Glad to hear you got it out of your system! The darkest of nights can birth the most amazing pieces, can’t they?

    1. Thank you very much, Tamara. I appreciate your comment. I feel I write best when my emotional state is very heightened. It does help me to express my feelings. I’m currently at quite a low place, but I hope it won’t continue for too long. Thanks again x

      1. I understand how that goes. How is your self-talk? Are you speaking positively to yourself in these moments, or do you speak harshly to yourself?

      2. Thanks, Tamara. I can’t say that my self-talk is very positive at the moment, to be honest. I find it difficult to be kind to myself, although I treat everyone else with great kindness and compassion. I probably should be speaking to myself that way, too, but it doesn’t come easy. Thanks for asking. X

      3. One of the things I learned on my own wellness journey was how seemingly small changes to how I spoke to myself ended up making a world of difference.

        When I was learning about Neural Pathways, I learned that each thought and action lays down another layer on our Neural Pathways, reinforcing the thought or action. Trying to NOT speak negatively to ourselves is difficult, but if we start to change our self-talk to speak more positively and supportively to ourselves, we gradually lay down a new network! Over time the old negative pathways that had become our go-to shortcuts will gradually fade from less use, while the positive networks gradually get strengthened.

        It’s a process. It doesn’t feel natural or comfortable at first, which is why many people give up on it before it really has had a chance to take root.

        When I first started I heard about Louis Hay and the mirror work exercises she recommends. I tried them and almost threw up because my self-loathing was so bad; it was a struggle to continue.

        Start small with something believable. I found gentle quotes helped me learn to say positive things to myself, for if the writer had experienced what I felt and had come through it successfully to write about it, I felt I could borrow from their strength.

        What quotes helped me in the beginning? Everything can change in an instant. Negative times aren’t permanent.” and “Always believe something wonderful can happen!” and “The Universe loves me and is working things out on my behalf!” I found I needed to build my levels of hope up, because I felt very crushed.

        Please find the positive things about yourself and write those things down on paper, then tape up on walls and mirrors! Here are a few: “I am resourceful, I will find a solution!” and “I’m stronger than I know and give myself credit for!” and “I deserve kindness!” and “I can keep doing baby steps, this is doable for me!”

        The process of teaching ourselves to speak gently and kindly to ourselves is a tough learning curve, but it is doable! You’ve got this!

      4. Thank you so much for all this valuable information, Tamara. I really appreciate you spending the time and giving thought to all your suggestions. The Neural Pathways information sounds very interesting. I will give it a try and thank you for some phrases I can start to try and learn and say to myself. I know it won’t be easy, having spent a lifetime speaking to myself unkindly and negatively. I will start small. I’m going to make a separate note on my laptop where I can write your suggestions so that they are easy for me to access. Currently, I’m in the thick of really painful counselling, as you will, I expect, realise. I seem to be living in a haze of my childhood thoughts and feelings, and life is tough for me right now. My counselling is meant to end on 21st December as I will have had eight months. I’m nowhere near ready to stop. Because my counsellor was away this week, I have to wait until next Wednesday to know if I can continue with my therapy at that place or if I will have to come to a dead halt. It’s a terrifying place to be. Sometimes, not knowing something is harder than knowing something. It’s the fear of the unknown. I daresay I will write, here on my blog, about what is decided next week. Thank you so much for having faith in me that I can do this. I’m definitely going to read those two posts you published; one about endings and the other about brain rewiring, which I guess is a bit about what you are speaking of above. I have a friend coming this afternoon, so may not have time to read them until tomorrow or at the weekend. Thank you again, so much, for caring. It’s really very much appreciated. X

      5. My pleasure Ellie! Yes, take baby steps! I had taken acrylic paint to my bathroom mirror years ago to paint a short quote I felt I needed to see often. (When I felt better, I used a razor to scrape it off.) I’ve also printed quotes out in huge-size fonts on paper and put them up on my walls as visuals I could look at throughout the day and evenings.

        It’s a work in progress to rewire the brain, because our old tapes love to keep resurfacing and talking back to us. They do grow weaker with time!

        Instead of feeling panicky about your sessions potentially ending soon, try to see it as the end of a phase. Sometimes we need multiple phases to progress, but the don’t necessarily happen one after the other. Sometimes there are gaps to allow us time to process everything. The universe will not abandon you on this journey of healing. It’s possible that there is a different teacher about to come into your life, to help you through the next phase. That’s usually how the universe works!

        Remember this, the universe loves you, has your back, and is working things out on your behalf!

    1. Thank you very much, Ann. It’s only my writing that gives me any relief from the pain, however fleeting that may be. I still have a long way to go, but I’m not willing to give up until I get to a better place. It’s just extremely hard going right now. X

    1. Oh, thank you so much, Pamelap. Your words, love and prayers are appreciated very much. My writing is the only way I know how to express my deepest feelings. My WP family are so supportive – I am very blessed by that. I hope you are well today Xx πŸ’–πŸ’•

      1. Good morning β˜€οΈ
        You are so very welcome πŸ™
        We are here to support you and your talents! We are the lucky ones, and I am happy and blessed to be apart of your WP family!
        My week has been busy, but I am doing well and enjoying a chilly Saturday morning! πŸ’—πŸ’—β˜ΊοΈ
        Enjoy your weekend and know you are loved πŸ₯°

      2. Good morning, Pamelap. Thank you so much for your love and support. I am truly honoured to have you as part of my WP family. WP is a wonderful community of people, I think. I am glad you are doing well. It’s very chilly here today. I’m in the UK. I wish you a lovely weekend, also, and sending my love to you, too Xx πŸ’–πŸ’•πŸ’

    1. Thank you for wishing me joy, Brian. I wish for that again, too. I’m not going to give up until I’m in a better place, although when I wrote this poem, I felt like I didn’t want to go on. Writing and sharing on my blog keeps me going and helps me deal with my feelings. Thanks again.

  2. This hit home. As someone who lost a loved one to suicide, the last stanza knocked the wind out of me.

    I’m sorry to hear that you continue to struggle. Continue to write and heal. Stay golden!

    1. I’m so sorry to hear you lost a loved one to suicide. That must have been heartbreaking for you and everyone who knew this person. I’m sorry if my last stanza took you back to that place. Writing is a godsend to me – I don’t think I would be able to hang on without expressing my feelings here. My WP family are so kind and generous with their comments and understanding, which means an awful lot to me. I will try to stay golden. Thank you. X

  3. Ellie it’s good to let this out. Out of your system. I feel the pain. I wish you to release it all and for your beautiful Ellie-soul to be present in the now of the beautiful season we’re living through now. Be well dear friend. I bless you.

    1. Dear Selma, Thank you for reading and wishing me these beautiful thoughts. I’m in a particularly difficult place right now as my counselling (with a wonderful therapist) ends on the 21st of December. Currently, I’m waiting to know whether the organisation will extend my time with her or not, and I am feeling desperately anxious about this. It’s not looking good right now, but I will have a firm answer next Wednesday, which feels like an eternity away. If I have to find a new counsellor, I dread the thought of having to start all over again. This is worrying me a great deal. Please, keep me in your thoughts in the time leading up to next Wednesday. Thank you so much. Sending you love, my friend Xx πŸ’œπŸ’πŸ’š

      1. You’re in a permanent place in my heart already.
        Ellie, don’t panic. Attract what you want to happen. Please. I bless you. Trust the process. I bless you.

  4. I recognize the instinct of men to try to fix stuff, but…. Are you reaching out to your family at this time? I don’t think you need to tell them what’s up but just ask for some care. You have a ton resting on your shoulders. Share the burden. Please.

    1. Thank you for caring so much, Jeff. That means an awful lot to me. I haven’t been able to talk to my family about my feelings because they both have more than enough heartache going on in their lives right now. I don’t want to add to the burdens they are already carrying. My daughter, for instance, is caring for a very sick husband (my son-in-law), my granddaughter, who has mental health issues at the age of sixteen, plus her mother-in-law, who has dementia. My son is in the process of divorcing, selling the house and buying a place up north nearer to his work. It’s all going incredibly slowly and is stressful for him. I’m loathed to add to their problems. I’ve tried to talk to my sister, but she has her own issues and seems reluctant to talk about my ‘stuff’. I left a comment for Selma Martin above about the anxiety of losing my therapist at this difficult time for me. I’m really in limbo right now, and it’s not helping with my desperate feelings. I don’t know what I’d do without my WP family. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the support and understanding I receive from all of you. Thanks again, Jeff. X

  5. You are doing a food job by writing your thousand. If writing is helping you, keep doing this. You are never alone and great days are waiting for you.
    Shine bright like a β˜€οΈ

    1. Thank you, my friend. My writing is the only thing that is helping me right now. It’s the only way I can express my feelings and deepest thoughts. Thank you for continuing to stand by me. It will be wonderful when the good times come again. Thanks again.

      1. If writing is helping you, keep doing it. You have a big canvas, keep painting your story. WP got your back. If sharing is easing you up, please continue with it. Shine

      2. According to you all my replies are beautiful, haha
        Well, you are supporting me since the beginning and I just want you to know, I am always here for you.
        The sun will shine soon

    1. Thank you so much, Patrick. That means an awful lot to me. I hope I won’t always need to share such painful poetry and posts. I’m trying to get better, but I’m in a losing battle right now. Thank you for your encouragement as I continue to write my heart and soul out.

  6. Writing is healing. It is my therapy when I have nothing else. It’s good that you have an outlet for your thoughts. Don’t give up. Don’t stop and don’t stop writing. Another possibility that may help is your family doctor. He/she may have resources that could help. Bless you, sweet lady. Sending love and light. ❀ ❀

    1. I feel the same about writing, Penny. I don’t know how or who I’d be without it. My writing is one of the few things that’s keeping me going currently. I have a wonderful lady doctor. On the whole, she is changing my medication, so I’m hoping that will help soon. However, medication isn’t always the answer – I think of it more as a sticking plaster than anything else. However, she does call me every couple of weeks to see how I’m doing. I’m very appreciative of that. Thank you so much for caring about me so much, Penny. It means the world to me. I will make sure to reply to your email later. Thank you for being in touch – you really are so kind. Love and hugs to you, my new friend Xx πŸ’—πŸ’πŸ’ž

    1. Thank you so much for dropping by and reading my poem, Qonyike. Thank you also, for your thoughts and prayers. They are much appreciated and comforting. I wish you well. Ellie xx πŸ’ž

  7. I know nothing I say will make today feel any better for you, Ellie, but I just wanted to let you know your writing is beautiful in its raw honesty. These sorts of emotions – despair to the point of being simply too exhausted to keep fighting, to feel suicide is appealing – are so often dismissed or frowned upon that we can’t really discuss them. Or at least, that’s how I’ve felt. There’s a greater push to discuss mental health in recent times, but only if you discuss socially acceptable elements. Sending lots of gentle hugs your way πŸ’œ x

    1. Oh, thank you so much, Caz. That’s so kind of you to say. I admit I am exhausted, almost to the point of giving up. The thoughts never leave my head at the moment. I’ve been referred to mental health services, but four weeks later, I am still waiting to hear from them. It helps me to write as I do, though. Writing my truth is often cathartic, even if it doesn’t make the truth go away. I’m sorry if you’ve had cause to be at the receiving end of a lacking mental health service, too. I don’t know how desperate we have to be before they agree to give us some support. Time will tell. Thank you for much for your gentle hugs. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Hope you are well, or as well as you can be in your circumstances. Much love, Ellie Xxx πŸ’œπŸ’žπŸ’›

      1. Please hang in there, Ellie. You matter, and I have to hope there will be brighter days ahead because you deserve them. I hope someone from the MH team will be able to see you soon. Please look after yourself. No matter how much you feel you can’t keep going, you can. I know you can, even if you feel you don’t want to. All the times before you would have felt like this and you still made it through. That’s testament to your awesomeness. Just keep holding on πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

      2. Oh, thank you so much, Caz. Your caring means an awful lot to me – especially at the moment while things are so very difficult. I’m doing my best to hang on in there, but it’s tough. I will speak to my doctor on Tuesday and will ask her to follow up my mental health referral as it’s taking so long. This coming Wednesday is the big decision day for me. My counselling is due to end on the 21st December and I don’t have the funds to pay to go elsewhere. The counsellor said she would speak to her manager, but isn’t very hopeful that they’ll be able to continue to see me there. I’ve built a really good bond and trust with my present counsellor and the thought of being left without her or having no one is having a really detrimental affect on my mental health. I’m dreading the decision because I don’t think it’s going to go in my favour. I have a lovely blogging friend who is in America who has asked on her blog for suggestions as to free or low-cost counselling in the UK. There hasn’t been much response, which is perfectly understandable as most of her readers are Americans. It’s so kind of her to do that, though.

        I’m finding it hard to look after myself well at the moment. I’m not eating properly and have had more than a couple of PJ days, too. Sometimes, not knowing what’s going to happen to you is worse than the knowing.

        Thank you so much for your lovely email, Caz. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply, but I want to, so will hopefully, email you back sometime this week. Thank you again for caring so much about me. I can draw strength from your beautiful words. Much love … Ellie Xxx πŸ’™πŸ’—πŸ’™πŸ’—πŸ’™

    1. Thank you very much for your reassurance and encouragement, Kathryn. I do appreciate your kind words. I hope my poetry may help someone else cope with their pain; however, I also worry that what I write may be a trigger for some. I’m finding life difficult to cope with at the moment, so I can only do what I can. Thanks again. X

      1. There’s nothing wrong in your writings and it’s some other person’s problem if they didn’t like your post but in my opinion your writings are the best. So, be happy and keep glowing.😊

  8. Such a nice and heart warming post dear Ellie you express what you feel and your thoughts are really amazing and connected with our lives I have started following you. Keep going dear. ❀😊

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by at my blog and for following me, Yakshsingh. I’m glad you liked my poem and thank you for your encouragement. It’s much appreciated. Ellie

      1. It’s my pleasure Ellie. By reading your posts it seems that you have a lot of experiences which we can share and please do visit my blog page also and give reviews so that I can improve myself. Yaksh

  9. Keep writing these words. Keep fighting to be here. Your words are powerful and get stronger with each one you pen. I believe in you and I know you will find a way to fight off that horrible demon.

    1. Thank you, Bridgette, for believing in me when sometimes I find that difficult to do for myself. I long for some peace of mind, but there isn’t much of that to be had at the moment. Hopefully, things will get better, but it partly depends on whether I am able to continue with my counselling, or not. I will find out on Wednesday. I’m scared stiff as to what the outcome will be as it’s not looking very hopeful right now. Thank you for being a wonderful, caring and understanding friend Xx πŸ’πŸ’ž

  10. This is so powerful, Ellie. It’s so hard sometimes to just exist when fighting with mental illness. Everything becomes so big, scary and painful. Sending you lots of love ❀️

    1. Thank you, Janet. My writing is always my honest truth and writing from my heart and soul is the only way I know how to write. It can be quite cathartic, but with mental health, purely caused by my abuse, is what’s at the root of it for me, it has become a battle to even survive day-to-day. Much love to you, also, and thank you for your understanding and kindness. Xx πŸ’—

  11. Dear Ellie, thank you for sharing your pain, your life, and your genuine expressions with us. It not only helps you but many of us who can relate from our own experiences. I really want my book autographed. πŸ€—

    1. Dear Tangie. Thank you for your kind words. I do worry that what I write at the moment may affect others adversely. I hope, however, that my words bring a sense of reduced isolation to whoever can connect with my writing. I haven’t done anything about getting my book published yet. I’m not in the right headspace to do this at the moment. Perhaps, I will do this in the New Year or next year sometime. Hugs for you, my friend Xx πŸ€—

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