My Day (Today) – Update

Yesterday, I wrote a post called, ‘The Day Before‘. So many of you (my friends and blogging buddies) were encouraging, kind, thoughtful, and caring, sending me your love and best wishes. I can’t tell you how much that support and love from you meant to me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. However, as I had feared …


I got home at about 3.30 pm (it’s now 8.15 pm), but I’ve been trying to get myself back into a space where I can communicate without breaking down again. I could hardly see the screen on my laptop through my tears. I feel totally exhausted from crying so much.

The counselling with my lovely counsellor, C., is definitely ending on 21st December, and there is absolutely no chance of continuing to see her again after that date. I’m devastated and heartbroken πŸ’”. I have been through so much despair and heartache with her trying to come to terms with the frequent child sexual abuse and rape that I suffered from the age of eight until I was twelve. I haven’t said those exact words on my blog before, apart from the odd mention in my poetry, but, there it is – in black and white, as that is the truth of what happened to me.

I’m only part of the way through working on this awful trauma, and now I will be completely alone and without my counsellor. We spoke, in between my tears, about going onto the waiting list for general counselling, which I would have to pay for. Up until now, I’ve been treated under the Eating Disorders’ umbrella, which has been free. General counselling would be less specific and, although, my eating habits aren’t as bad as they were, I definitely can’t say that I’ve recovered from those issues.

C said she would speak to the organisation’s manager to see whether they would even accept me under the general team. She said, as I feared, there is a long waiting list. As it is, the counselling offices are closed from the 21st of December until the middle of January 2023. So, I know I’m in for a long wait. I feel panic-stricken at the thought of going it all alone until a place comes up (that’s if they accept me). I really don’t know how to cope with this situation. If I’m accepted (and I won’t know this till December), I’ve got to find the funds to pay for it. As I said in my last post, I can’t afford to heat my home this winter (I appreciate the ideas that people have suggested that might help). Something is going to have to give. It’s a case of whether I heat my home or eat decent food.

Assuming I am accepted, it will mean starting all over again with a completely new and unfamiliar counsellor. I don’t know if I can face going over all those painful memories once again. I feel despairing. My doctor is phoning me on Friday; I will have to update her. There is nothing else she can do. I’m exhausted with all the emotion and will have an early night accompanied by two Diazepam to attempt to give me some respite from what feels like being in the hall of crazy, distorted mirrors at the funfair. It just sums up how my life feels today – crazy and distorted.

Please forgive me if I missed reading your blogs today. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I will catch up with some, or I may have to miss today’s blogs and start afresh tomorrow. Thank you for listening. Until tomorrow … Love Ellie Xx πŸ–€

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊

73 thoughts on “My Day (Today) – Update”

  1. Sending hugs to you.

    This is indeed a very difficult time. I understand that you feel as though everything holding you up has been or will be about to be taken away from you. Healthcare systems don’t always make a lot of sense.

    If I could offer some suggestions, having had counseling services stopped in mid-stream myself, with no other options on the horizon: my counselor spent a little time with me explaining why things couldn’t continue, and he also helped me to see what my next steps could be if I don’t find counseling. That really helped me to transition to the next phase of my life.

    I’d suggest working with your counselor in the time you have remaining to write down what resources and the next steps could be of help to you. Knowing ahead of time can be a gift (too many people find out on their last visit, and then fall off a cliff), because you can start your mental transition and still have support through it.

    Maybe you could work with your counselor to find out if there are support groups in your area. You may need more than one type of support group in order to benefit from valuable insights and support different people can offer.

    Keep going! You’re making progress, and you will continue to make progress! The path is there, even if you can’t see it right now.

    1. Dear Tamara, sorry for such a late reply. I’ve not been able to respond earlier than this as I’ve been feeling very spaced out today. I wanted to say thank you for such a kind and helpful comment. I will speak to my counsellor next week about looking for other resources that might be able to support me in the time when I don’t have a counsellor or until someone becomes available. However, at the moment, I feel exactly like I’ve fallen off a cliff edge, or the rug has been pulled from under my feet. I’ve always found endings very difficult to cope with, and given that I had three people leave my life only two days ago (as I wrote about in The Day Before), it feels like all these losses are happening simultaneously. I lost my dear Mum six years ago in December, too, and I still haven’t dealt with my grief of losing her. There are questions I would like to ask her about my abuser, but I will never have that opportunity now. I find that also very difficult to come to terms with. I have so many now unanswerable questions, and that’s tough to come to terms with, also. Thanks again for your support – I value that very much. Hugs for you Xx ❀

      1. Indeed, you’ve had a bunch of things coming at you fast and furiously. It takes time to process loss, to find your bearings when the map as you knew it was torn out of your hands. I’m sorry for your losses. I read how you lost a couple of support people, and I feel for you. I know you were bothered by why you were told they could no longer continue with you.

        I have learned in the past it sometimes isn’t about us, even if the reason given seems to point to that. I have learned that like everyone, even caregivers have a certain bandwidth and perform best when they stay within that. We don’t always know what triggers someone, or why, and sometimes it’s easier to say it’s because of the other person when they don’t wish to reveal they are out of their depth.

        As a statutory rape survivor, you had to do a lot of emotional and mental gymnastics to survive and to try to make sense of your childhood world. This process of healing isn’t just about putting the pieces back together, it is also about learning to parent and to mother yourself in a way that is uplifting and helps you to grow.

        I’m not sure there are really any satisfactory answers you could receive about your abuser that would answer the “Why” and “Why me” questions. You were actually the “side collateral” of his own inner damage, and nothing you did triggered him to assault you.

        That was all on him. I know that people love to talk about forgiveness, as though forgiving the perpetrator would make us whole, but in reality, sometimes the person we need to forgive the most is ourselves.

        The guilt and the shame tell us lies.

        They whisper “I did something wrong to deserve this” or “I could have done this or that, and everything would be different”. Lies. All lies.

        Forgiving ourselves comes easier when we can look at those lies and say “You don’t belong to me anymore. I give myself grace for just having been a kid.” The past does not equal your future.

        You always were and continue to be worthy of love and of being treated with respect and kindness! You are deserving of being happy, healthy and whole!

        This journey is a process, where the pieces take time to reform and find their new place, as you work through accepting the past as your past, (that will remain in the past) and giving yourself grace. Please practice suspending judgment of yourself and practice speaking gently to yourself!

        1. Tamara, you speak so much sense and with a great deal of kind understanding. I can take comfort from your wise words. I do feel like my emotional map has been ripped out of my hands and left me in the middle of space. Today, I feel slightly less upset but strangely almost numb. I guess that’s just the body’s way of protecting me from so much hurt and pain. On the topic of forgiveness, I have tried to forgive him, but I can’t. I’ve made all sorts of excuses for his abuse of me, like wondering if he had been abused as a child, and I’ve heard the saying, ‘hurt people hurt people, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t think he deserves my forgiveness. I’m just 65 now, and the damage he caused has affected my entire life. I went on to have an abusive marriage and a few more abusive relationships before deciding to live alone rather than trust a relationship again. I was raped by someone I knew as an adult, although I’ve never written about this. It was a long time ago now. It’s not so much men (in my case) I don’t trust in relationships; it’s more my own judgement and choices that I feel are at fault, and I make poor decisions when it comes to relationships. Therefore, I feel safer on my own. I know I need to find a way to move on into a better and less-traumatised life for the future. My abuser has destroyed so much of my life, and none of us knows how long we’ve got on this planet; I don’t want my later years to be ruined, too. I will try to be kind to myself, although it’s not something that comes naturally to me. Your words are always so wise and comforting, Tamara, and I’m very, very grateful to you for taking the time to share them with me. Sending grateful hugs to you Xx πŸ’œπŸ’™πŸ’œ

          1. Yes, feeling numb sounds like it’s on the curve of feelings one goes through in this kind of scenario. Forgive your abuser? Nay, I wasn’t writing about that at all. I know that gets thrown around a lot, but that’s not what I was referring to at all. I wouldn’t put that kind of stressful expectation on anyone. My responses to you have been focused on your messaging to yourself and teaching yourself to be gentle and kind to yourself. Keep doing that my dear!

  2. I cant know what you are going through because I am not you. But I can say I have had very dark days and have felt so isolated and scared especially not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. This was especially dark when my late mother had health issues and the second guessing was torture as to when to step in and when to let go. But the worst was when she decided the last time that she didn’t want to go further. At that point she had been through so many operations for multiple things and she was tired of being poked and prodded and stuck needles and her loss of independence. It is a really scary feeling and lonely feeling to want so desperately to save someone and knowing ultimately you cant make that decision for them.

    It may not be the same pain but it is very deep pain, and prior to her death she had several health issues and e with mobility that got her into trouble trying to do everything on her own. The guilt is there, just like a parent when a child has an accident but you know it isn’t your fault, it is still there. I had several very deep states of depression and nobody to talk to and nobody to help me with her when she had problems. I did the best I could, and she did eventually get some help and ended up at assisted living. But age is something none of us escape in any case.

    It was 2 months of crushing depression, deep deep depression after she died. It was literally like having both my arms and legs ripped off. I was numb and paralyzed with fear. How was I going to go on without her.

    You had your own support with this therapist and now you won’t have that support. I get it to some degree, although not exactly the same circumstances. Loss is still loss, and it is especially scary when that support isn’t there.

    But again, always know that we do care, and while we may not be able to fix everything for you, or understand everything, we do care. Always know that.

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, Brian. That sounds like it was an incredibly difficult and painful time for you. I’m so sorry to hear that. I lost my Mum through a sudden stroke nearly six years ago now. We were extremely close to each other, so her loss hit me very hard as did the loss of your mother to you. It’s not something I’ve ever come to terms with. I currently feel in a very dark place, although I recognise that I have had help and support from my counsellor up until now. Loss is so hard to bear for all of us. You strike me as a very kind and sensitive man and that’s something you should be proud of.

      Thank you for caring about me, Brian. It’s much appreciated. I feel very touched and honoured that so many of my readers and blogging friends are there for me. I will try to catch up with some blog reading tomorrow or over the weekend, so I apologise if I miss your recent posts – it’s proving impossible to catch up with everyone from the last two days. Thank you for your understanding. Take care of yourself. Ellie

      1. I am going to bug you to stick around lady. You are my poetry fix. I read a lot of wonderful poets, but very few touch me in the same context in the same way. And as I said before, you are my therapy, and others here would say you are also their therapy. So hang in there, we need you.

  3. Wow, you got the kick in the teeth we hoped would not happen, it’s a shame. I know you must be heartbroken to leave your Therapist. I’ve seen mine now for 30 years, she is really a friend in a sense. However finding that is highly unusual. I know how long the waits have been and it’s certainly not ideal that you wait. Can she tell you where to go to get online help. There are some good sites I’ve heard, just haven’t checked them myself. There is a way to find a level of help until your accepted. Also, are their any eating disorder groups near by or on FaceBook? That would be my next step to find resources. Are there companies that are mental health mnded that give grants? I know if would take energy on your part, lots of online searches but they have that here. I did the same with my meds yesterday so I understand. At least while sleeping we don’t know our problems. Hugs.

    1. Dear Melinda. Thank you for your kind and helpful comments. I am heartbroken as C was really helping me make some progress, and now I will be left with no one to explore my deepest feelings with. I don’t know how long the wait will be to see someone else if I am accepted. I will ask her if she knows of any online help for me to access in the meantime and do some research myself when I feel a bit more capable. At the moment, I feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff, and everything seems out of sync. As far as I know, I’m pretty sure there are no grants available to pay towards private counselling or mental health services. My doctor referred me to mental health four weeks ago, but I still haven’t heard anything from them despite my doctor chasing them up twice. I believe mental health have to contact you within 18 weeks!!

      I did take two Diazepam last night, but I still couldn’t sleep. I’ll have another early night tonight. Sleep is sometimes good escapism (when I can stay asleep, that is). I’m sorry I may have missed some of your posts during the last couple of days. I’ve got something like 152 emails in my inbox from all the writers I follow. I hope to catch up with some of them tomorrow or at the weekend, so forgive me if I cannot catch up with all of them. Thank you. Thank you so much for caring and understanding. It’s much appreciated. I hope you are well and have had a good day. Xx πŸ’œ

      1. You don’t need to aplogize to me or anyone else. You have to take of you first! No matter how many emails, they get overwhelming, walk away or do as I did when I was very sick is to delete them all. Anyone who truly needs to get a hold of you will. Are you getting posts thru email? I used to do that years ago, it’s very hard to mange that when healthy, it’s too much. Try to change all you blogs your following to come to your notifications daily thur WordPress. Then you can look at them on WP when you have time or can search for them later in the week thru reader. Please breath and then remember YOU have to be first above all thiings you do. Blogging is just that, it’s not critical. When you come to more of a realization of the changes, try to visulize a positive future with the help you need. It will look different than you have but we have to deal with the cards we’re dealt. I’ll look around in the morning if I can remember to look for some mental health resources.

        1. Thank you for your kind reply to me, Melinda. My emails are partly personal emails to me but mostly, notifications of blogs that I follow. I still have 108 to go through this morning, which is very overwhelming. I think I will take your advice and delete many of them, as it’s impossible to keep up with them all and it’s just putting me under more stress. I’m hoping to keep up with blogs from today or tomorrow, but will have to let the pre-existing ones go. I’m not sure how to change my notifications from email to WP notifications, though. I follow so many writers that finding them via the Reader would take a great deal of searching. I will see if I can work out how to have them come through WP rather than email. I appreciate that I have to deal with the cards I’m dealt, although haven’t yet come to terms with the loss of my counsellor. Unfortunately, it’ll be the sixth anniversary of my dear Mum’s passing in December, too, so that’ll be a bit of a doubly-whammy, as they say. Thank you for searching for other mental health resources for me – it’s much appreciated. Love to you Xx πŸ–€

          1. What part of the UK are you in? I’ve found a number of resources but I need to know what towns you are close to. Here’s my em, when you wan to talk private, em me instead. That way the world can’t see our conversation. I can tell you how to change to notifications, it’s easy. Let me know when you’re ready for the project.

    1. Thank you very much, Janet. I’m sorry if I miss some of your posts these last couple of days. I’m far behind in catching up with my followed blogs. I’ve got over 150 emails in my inbox; at the moment, my brain isn’t in a fit enough state to read every one of them. Hopefully, over the weekend, I’ll keep up with all the new posts from people. Sending you love, too Xx πŸ’œ

    1. Thank you so much, dear Stacey. That means a lot to me; it really does. I hope you are well and that your day has been a good one. My head is still a bit all over the place, so I haven’t been able to read any posts from anyone today. Hopefully, over the weekend, I might have a chance to keep up with the most recent pieces of people’s writing. Take care of yourself. Sending love to you Xx πŸ’™

  4. Keeping you in my thoughts sweet Ellie. I’m so sorry to hear this. Perhaps there is an online option in the meantime? I know there seems to be many options these days but don’t know specific details within your country. You have a lot of friends that care here. I’m not a licensed therapist, but I’d be more than happy to listen. Sending you love Ellie ❀️❀️

    1. Dear Jenn, that really is so kind of you. Thank you for caring so much. It means an awful lot to me. When my head is a bit more together, I will do some research into other sources of support that I might be able to make use of while I’m without any therapy. I’m very blessed and fortunate to have so many good friends on WP – I have so much gratitude for you all. Thank you, too, for offering to listen. You are so lovely. Sending much love and hugs to you. Xx πŸ’šπŸ’š

    1. Dear Granny, you are such a precious friend. It would be wonderful if we lived nearer each other, I agree. I’m so fortunate that my WP friends and readers have been so kind and generous with their time and comments to me. I have so much gratitude for everyone one of you. I really am so blessed in that way. I’m sorry I haven’t written for a couple of days – my head is still a bit all over the place right now. I’m planning to email you tomorrow morning; all being well. I’ve missed chatting with you. I hope you’ve been okay in the meantime. Love you very much, too, my dear friend Xxxx πŸ’ž

  5. Ellie, I’ll be thinking of you tonight. I want you to know that you can come by my blog anytime. I mean that! Anytime! And I will be there to listen whenever I can. And as you can tell by all of the other comments, you’ve got plenty who are listening. You’re such a kind and beautiful soul. Please know that! And don’t you ever forget that! It’s in these darkest moments that the light can always be found. Hang in there! Here is many lovely hearts just for you Ellie. ❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️
    – Love Christopher.

    1. Dear Christopher, thank you so, so much for all your kind thoughts and words. It’s really lovely of you to say I can come to your blog to talk if I need to. I’m very grateful to you for that. I have an immense amount of gratitude to you and to all my other readers and friends for all the incredible and much-appreciated love and support you have offered me at this time. I am feeling very overwhelmed today, but have a good friend visiting tomorrow, which I’m sure will help. I hope to catch up with as many blogs as I can, probably over the weekend, but please forgive me if I miss any. I have over 100 emails in my inbox right now, and I know I won’t be able to catch up with everybody’s posts. Thank you for all your kindness and love, Christopher. I’m sending my love to you, also. Love Ellie Xx β£πŸ’—β£πŸ’—β£πŸ’—β£πŸ’—β£πŸ’—β£

      1. You’re SO VERY welcome lovely Ellie! I appreciate your kind words. You’re totally fine by the way Ellie. If you miss some of my posts it’s totally okay. You’re in no way obligated to read my posts. Just keep focusing on YOU as you have been. I want YOU to be happy, healthy, and feel so loved, and so beautiful. I have the belief that YOU WILL overcome this very dark period of time in your life right now. I love how much kindness and love you give back to all of us here. You’re truly such a beautiful, kind, and loving soul Ellie.

        So you’re VERY welcome Ellie! All the love, hugs and hearts is coming right for you once again. β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈπŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ₯°πŸ˜˜πŸ˜„

  6. Oh, God, I’m so sorry, Ellie! that is so unfair and not what you need right now. I live in the US, where our health care system is very different. But for those in your situation, there are non-profits that offer counseling free, or at very reduced rates. Do you have those in the United Kingdom? I realize that is also starting over with someone new, which sucks, but it might be better than no help at all. I trust you to know what your options are and to make use of them, so please apologize if I’m pointing out the obvious and it isn’t an option for you. I just care and want to help, and feel horrible that I can’t. And please don’t worry about reading and commenting on our blogs right now….just take care of yourself and know there are so many of us who care!!!

    1. Dear Ann, thank you for appreciating and understanding my pain and heartache right now. I think the US and UK health systems are very different, as you say, and I think that especially applies to mental health support. Here, there seems to be either the NHS (National Health Service), which offers free treatment, but they are very under-resourced and over-stretched. Waiting lists can be for two or more years sometimes. Then, there are the private sources of support, which are nearly always very expensive. My therapy under the eating disorders service was free, but now I have to move on, which will mean paying the going rate, assuming I am accepted for future counselling. There are also some part charity-funded places, but these are very few and far between. I will do some research as soon as I can get my head together enough. I’m still a bit spaced out from all the upset and fear.

      Thank you so much for being there and offering help. It’s much appreciated. I am incredibly grateful to you and all my WP friends and readers for all your/their support while things are so difficult for me. I have a friend coming over tomorrow, which I’m sure will help. A shoulder to cry on will be welcome right now. I will have to miss out on some blog posts, but I hope to be able to start afresh over the weekend. Thanks very much for caring, Ann. It means a lot to me. Xx πŸ’™

  7. I would like to make a prediction, Ellie. I know this might sound incredible to you right now, but think of this coming event in a more positive light: You are going to discover how strong you have become in the time you have been working with C.
    This is a real thing that I often tried to talk about with people with addictions. There comes a time when you need to step out on your own, and you cannot do that while you are in counselling. There is a frightening world out there, we all know that. But all the counselling in the world will not give you the opportunity to move forward on your own, the chance to become you!.
    Fear is understandable, and everyone in counselling feels it at one time or another. But you have to live your own life, and that life starts when the counselling stops.
    Maybe you don’t feel ready, and maybe you are not totally ready. But you must learn the new you, and you won’t discover her until you are on your own.
    If you need more counselling later on, go for it. But for now, discover the new you. She may surprise you more than you can imagine at this moment in your life.
    I am not trying to minimize your fear, Ellie, but I am trying to give you a different understanding of what is happening to you. It is called changing your narrative, amongst other things, and it can work. Because once you discover this new you, you will have a better understanding of what you might need later on.

    1. In my desk at work I kept a Tarot card, just ONE Tarot card. It is called The Fool, but the person in the card is anything but a fool. She (in the feminine deck) is a person about to step off a cliff, which makes her look rather foolish. Isn’t she about to kill herself? No, because the cliff is representative of the unknown, a place where anything and everything is possible. This will be you.
      You will be stepping into the unknown, leaving your past behind you — hopefully.

      From the web:
      The Fool Tarot Card Explained
      It might sound bad from the name, but The Fool tarot card is not a negative card at all! In fact, it’s associated with the number zero – the number of infinite potential. In the Major Arcana, The Fool represents you, the main character, journeying through life. So, when The Fool shows up in your reading, get ready for major change and transformation!

      Sometimes we need to take a little risk, even if we aren’t sure how things will turn out, because, if we never try, we will never know what could have been!

      1. Hello, J. Sorry it’s taken me all day to get back to you. I’m still not feeling great and am not sleeping either, which makes me feel exhausted.

        Thank you very much for your detailed and interesting comments. There is certainly a lot to think about amongst your words, ideas and suggestions. I understand what you are saying about ‘finding myself’ outside of counselling. I can see that, but I honestly don’t think I’m ready to go it alone quite yet. I’ve only been in counselling for six months and have only spent, probably, less than half of that time dealing with my abuse. When I first started seeing C, it was mostly to tackle my disordered eating problem. Underneath most eating disorders is usually an initial cause, mine being the abuse. I still feel I have a lot to work to do regarding that. I have to finish seeing C in December, but then I hope to be allocated another therapist, although there may well be a long wait for this. I definitely don’t want to be in therapy forever because, as you say, I won’t find out who I really am if I constantly rely on someone else. However, I don’t feel I’m ready for that yet. I’m interested in what you say about changing the narrative and will google that to discover more on that topic.

        It’s interesting to learn about The Fool tarot card. This isn’t a topic I’ve looked into before. May I ask why you decided to keep the one tarot card (The Fool) in your desk rather than the whole pack? You can tell I know very little about tarot cards. I agree with you about learning to take risks; however, I know I’m not ready to do that yet. Given that I’m 65 now, I’ve spent too much of my life shying away from the cause of my issues. I feel I need to do some more intensive work on these before I feel ready and able to fly alone. I’ll get there, I’m sure. It’s difficult to put a time frame on these things.

        Thanks again for taking so much time to comment and tell me about these things. I appreciate that. I hope your weekend is a good one and that you are well. Ellie X πŸ’œβ£πŸ’™β£πŸ’šβ£πŸ’™β£πŸ’œ

        1. I kept the card, and the exlanation of it, to show a few things, the most important of which is that you, or the client, is not alone. The Tarot deck is ancient, and dealing with the unknown is an age-old problem/realization. Going out into the world literally “on your own” is just about the scariest thing you can do. But yet is is a necessary thing to do if you want to become a full person. And while you, or anyone in counselling, feel that this is being done to you, it is best if you accept it as something you need to do no matter what. There is never a good time, unless you have your whole life together. People in counselling do not have their whole life together, but they want to get it together or they would not be in counselling. So remember, this IS YOUR CHOICE from the start. No, this ending may not be your choice at the moment, but unless you want to stay in coubselling the rest of your life, there had to come an ending point. So now you have to deal with it.
          Many years ago I had knee surgery. I was in bed for two days after the operation. On the third day a nurse came in and said, “Time to get out of bed!” I had not bent my knee for over 3 days. It felt like it was locked in place. Just the thought of bending the knee made ne panic, and when the nurse swung my legs of the bed I screamed. Literally screamed. The whole hospital heard me scream. I held my leg straight out and refused to bend it because the pain was so intense. I knew I would never walk again.
          But the nurse knew better. She put her hand on my ankle and snapped my foot down from the knee. I screamed again. But before the scream ended the pain stopped. The knee was fixed, The pain came not from the knee, but from my fear of bending the knee. Once it was bent, the fear disappeared, and so did the pain.
          No one can prepare you to be on your own, except you. Right now you fear being on your own. That is totally normal. But you will not die from fear. And the pain will go away. When you walk out of C’s office, and the door closes behind you, I guarantee you will feel like a new person. I have faith in you. C has faith in you. Now it is time for you to put some faith in you too.
          The rest of the Tarot deck is about Life. You cannot learn about the relationship between you and life until you are on your own. You have to step off the cliff. Yell and scream if you want. But that day is the first day of your life. Believe that. And believe in yourself.

    2. Hello, J. I just thought I’d drop you a quick line to say thank you so much for your two comments. I haven’t managed to get everything done this evening as I hoped I might. I really wanted to say thank you for both comments, and although I have run out of time to write any more this evening, I will be sure to reply to you properly tomorrow. It’s past my bedtime right now. X β£πŸ’—β£πŸ’—β£πŸ’—β£

  8. That is awful to hear, Ellie. I don’t know what I would do in your position, but there seems to be lots of good ideas from your friends on here. All I can do is wish you strength to see this through. x

    1. Dear Mick. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I certainly will need the strength to get through this time. It still feels pretty unbearable at the moment, but then it’s only early days yet. I have until the 21st of December before I can no longer see my current therapist. I won’t know whether I’ll be able to be accepted under the paid service or not until December comes. It’s looking rather dubious right now, but I’ll have to wait and see. You are right, I’ve had lots of ideas and support from all my lovely WP friends and readers, and I’m very grateful for each and every one of you. I hope you are well and that your weekend is a good one. X

    1. Thank you, Simon. That means a lot to me. I can but hope that there are miracles, and thank you for wishing for one to reach me. What a lovely thing to say. I hope you are well and that you have a good weekend when it comes. Thanks again.

    1. Dear Penny, thank you for your comment and your love – it means a lot to me. Although I don’t feel strong right now, I’m probably going to have to be in the long run. At the moment, my head still feels a bit spaced out. Hopefully, by the weekend, I will have begun to feel calmer and more rational. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply to your lovely emails yet. I currently have over 150 emails in my inbox, so this might take me a little while. It’s just so lovely how all my WP friends and readers have been so kind and supportive of me. I’m very fortunate to be able to call you all my friends. I’m very grateful to each one of you. Xx πŸ’š

    1. Thank you very much, Devang. I am very fortunate to have such wonderful WP friends, family and readers who have all offered me their love and support. I’m incredibly grateful to all of you. I will try to look out for the sunshine. I hope you are well and that your weekend is a good one.

    1. Thanks so much, Brian. I will do my best. I will try to catch up on some of your latest posts sometime either tomorrow or over the weekend. Sorry if I have missed any from the last day or so, but I have over 150 email notifications in my inbox, all of which needed reading and sorting. I will catch up within a few days and look forward to reading more of your beautiful poetry. Have a good few days ahead, Brian.

      1. I am not the center of the universe. I want you to take care of yourself first, I think everyone who follows you would say the same. We love hearing from you and we love your work. But you need to worry about you first. You don’t have to feel guilty or obligated to answer my posts. Life is stress full and nobody can be everywhere all the time. It is great that you care and I love hearing from you. But your mental health comes first.

  9. Such horrible news. Your concern about ‘starting over’ in therapy is valid. I tried to go to a new therapist not long ago and I couldn’t figure out a way to bring him up to speed. He and I got frustrated. Still you never know, a door slams, a door opens. I’ve seen others say this in the comments, but feel free to lean on your blogging network.

    1. Thanks, Jeff. It is awful news for me. I’m still feeling somewhat spaced out today – it’s all been a bit of a shock. I kept hoping that things would work out and that I’d still be able to continue to see C. Unfortunately, that wasn’t to be, though, and I’m gutted. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this experience yourself, too. I’m going to find it very hard to know how to fill in the next counsellor, assuming I can find someone I can afford. They say when one door closes, another opens. Right now, they all feel like they’re closed, but perhaps, I need to look harder. However, I’m incredibly grateful to all my blogging friends, family and readers for all the love, care and support I’ve been offered. I’m very fortunate in this way. I don’t know what I’d do without you all. X

  10. Ellie, I am so sorry to hear of this, know my heart and prayers are lifted for you. Please take the time you need to process and rest well. I know that can be difficult, but take a breath and be still. It sounds simple, but this helps me. It allows me to really take one task at a time. Please keep posting and writing, your WordPress family and friends care so very much about you.
    Love and blessings always! πŸ™β€οΈπŸ’

    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful, caring words, Pamelap. I will try to do that and to take one step at a time, although I’m still feeling very upset. Hopefully, that will ease a bit as the days go on. Thank you for encouraging me to continue to write – that does help me a lot as I find it to be cathartic. I am very blessed to have so many wonderful, caring WP friends and readers here. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you and their support. It means so much. Love to you Xx πŸ’™πŸ’™

  11. My heart goes out to you, dear Ellie. I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through such trauma. I pray that things get better for you soon. You are strong, and you can do this! Please take care. We are here to listen, and I hope you’d find writing here to be therapeutic in some way. Hugs. ❀❀

    1. Thank you so much, Aaysid. You words are so appreciated. I do find my writing to be cathartic – it helps me to get my feelings on the outside rather than bottling them all up. Thank you for being there for me. Hugs for you, also Xx πŸ’œπŸ’œ

  12. Oh, Ellie! I am so sorry to hear about this 😦 I know from many people how difficult it is to find the right match and then to have to abandon them? Awful. I’ve also heard about this weird thing from others when your therapy gets cut short without you being considered ‘healed enough.’ That’s just travesty.

  13. Thank you so much, Sam. I’ve never connected with a counsellor as well as I have done with C. I can’t believe she’s going to just disappear from my life after all I’ve told her about – stuff I’ve never shared with anyone else before. I feel despairing. I don’t know how long the wait will be to see someone else or even whether I’ll be accepted to join that waiting list. I’m definitely not healed by any stretch of the imagination. It’s going to be a very tough month between now and when my therapy ends. I don’t even know how to start to process these feelings. I expect C will talk me through how to cope with the drastic change in circumstances. I am devastated.

    You mentioned heating and staying warm in your previous comment. I do have spare blankets and an electric heat pad that my daughter bought me last Christmas. I wear several layers, too, including fingerless gloves (so I can type) and a woolly hat when it’s really cold. I’ve also asked my son if I could have some money towards heating rather than Christmas presents this year. He is happy to do that, so perhaps, I can have the heat on for an hour in the morning to save getting showered and dressed in the freezing cold bathroom. There are people far worse off than I am. I worry about the elderly getting hypothermia. Thanks for caring, Sam. X

  14. Sweet Ellie….what to say. I feel your pain, you have been to hell and back at such an early age. PLEASE keep writing as that surely helps. Hugs and kisses xxxx

    1. Oh, Simon, thank you so much for such kind words. As a young child, it was like being tortured with no reason I could fathom at the time. My writing definitely does help. Thank you so much for being here to read it. Hugs and kisses back at you, too. Xxxx πŸ€—

  15. Oh, Ellie. I had been hoping so hard this wasn’t the answer for you. No! I hate you won’t be able to continue with someone who is so clearly helping you work through such big and hard things. The way the world treats mental health is beyond frustratingβ€”it’s simply unacceptable. I’m not sure if you’ve considered telehealth apps, as I know some of those are slightly more affordable than in person. They aren’t perfect and it’s not a real solution, but it might be good if you get into a situation where you need someone right away and can’t wait.

    I also want to remind you how amazing you are. Everyone on wordpress knows how lucky they are to have crossed paths with you. Your kindness and your encouragement go above and beyond anyone I’ve ever met here. You are stronger than you know, and I hope and pray you find some peace soon. You deserve all the good. ❀️❀️❀️

    1. Dear Bridgette, I can hardly believe I’m losing my amazing counsellor. Mental health here is so severely underfunded and shortsighted. My doctor had referred me to mental health services, only to be told I was not ill enough, as in psychotic or schizophrenic, and therefore didn’t qualify for a case or support worker. There is no help at all unless I am in a category like that or similar. I’m finding my last few sessions with C. very hard, knowing she won’t be there for me anymore. I am so, so scared. I was meant to have my last session on the 21st of December, but she apologised and said she was on annual leave on the 21st. Therefore, my last session (after a three-week Christmas break) is on the 4th of January, which doesn’t make much difference in the long run.

      Christmas is always a difficult time for me as it’s when I lost my Mum six years ago. I am nearly always alone at Christmas, too, so it’s a tough time for me, even without losing my counsellor. I’ve got no idea how I will cope after she’s gone. Thank you for the idea of telehealth. It’s not something I have heard of or even know if we have anything like that over here, but I will definitely look into it.

      And thank you so very much for your kind words about me. I feel very fortunate that my WP family are so patient and generous with their time in reading my often intense and personal outpourings. I can’t tell you how appreciative I am of you all. I don’t think I would be surviving my emotional journey without everyone’s support here. Thank you very much for your hopes and prayers for me – I really do value you your words. Love to you and your family Xx πŸ’πŸ’žπŸ’

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