Trying to be more upbeat
But just so full of grief
Wanting to be hopeful
My joy stolen by the thief
Started off my journal now
Complete with gratitude
Trying to turn a corner
While battling low mood
Firing all my engines
In the hope of rising up
Searching positivity
In a half-empty cup
Try smiling in the mirror
No one grinning back
Seeing all the wretchedness
While watching life unpack
Searching out life’s colours
Standing in the sun
It’s dark before its time
Again the night has come
It’s hard to keep on going
A battle just to cope
Is there really any point
Holding on to the rope?
Photo by Carson Greenhalgh on Unsplash
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Author: Ellie Thompson
Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ...
... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full.
I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else.
Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊
View all posts by Ellie Thompson
Essentially Ellie 
Hi Ellie! Powerful poem, as always. You are amazing and are so much stronger than you think. Stronger than so many of us and we admire that very much. You remind us to keep going, even when life is hard, to keep going no matter what! Let’s go! I love your and I was thinking how awesome it would be if you would write some stories! About anything, real or fiction. I am working on my own comedy animated show and having fun imagining stuff. Sorry I haven’t wrote in a while , work has been busy but it’s ok. How is Peanut? Take care 😘
Hello, J. Lovely to hear from you again. I appreciate that you have to work now and that this must keep you busy most of the time. I still enjoy your photos. Thank you for commenting here, albeit I don’t feel very strong at the moment. I keep hoping something will change, mainly because my counselling ends in a short while and way before I’m ready, but I realise that first and foremost, I need to change myself. I just don’t even know where to start right now. I’m all consumed by the loss of my excellent therapist. There are several months to wait on a waiting list before I can see someone else. It seems like an eternity. I honestly don’t know what I would do without the fantastic support I get from my WP friends and readers. I am so grateful for that.
I’m not very good at writing fiction; however, I am thinking of writing a book with my poems if I can get it together. It would need an awful lot more done with it before I can even think about getting to the publishing stage (assuming I get that far.) I’m glad to hear you’re working on a project of your own. It sounds like fun.
Peanut is okay, thank you. Someone let off some deafening fireworks last night, and they were very close to the house. Poor Peanut was terrified. There will be more this evening as my town switches on its Christmas lights at 5.30 pm. I’ll put some loud music on to try and disguise the bangs a bit. She hid for hours when they went off yesterday. Take good care of yourself, too, J. Love Ellie Xx 💖
Ellie, I don’t know your pain. I can only speak from my own. Is it worth holding on to the rope? Yes. Maybe not today, but I do see it coming, you have the gift of helping others because you can (and already do) speak from both sides of the darkness of your life. You are stronger than you think, and based on the comments I read, your words speak to many, and many support you as you hold on with all your might.
Thank you for commenting here, Kathryn. I do wish I felt as strong as others think I am. It’s so tough at the moment, and I seem to have lost my verve for life. It helps to write my poetry as it transfers the pain from my insides to the outside. I worry that people must be fed up with reading all my sombre stuff, although I haven’t always felt this way. Much of it has been because of severe childhood trauma and working towards recovery from that. Unfortunately, my counselling ends very soon and there is no one to replace her. This leaves me feeling extremely raw and depressed, to say nothing of terrified. When I write, although it helps me, I hope that I will reach someone else out there and help them to realise they are not alone with these feelings. I am so lucky in that I have wonderfully supportive WP friends and readers. I don’t know how I would cope without their (and your) encouragement and support. I am very grateful for that. I read your post about gratitude, which was lovely and will leave a comment a bit later. It was your post that reminded me to start keeping a gratitude diary again as I used to, so thank you very much. Xx 💖
Powerful, stronger, warrior, fighter, elegant that’s what you are!!
Keep smiling
And keep shining
There’s light for you behind the tunnel. Keep pushing forward.
Thank you so much, Devang. You write such lovely comments. Thank you for sticking by me as I go through such a difficult time. It won’t always be this way (I hope.) I will keep pushing on. X
Yeah 👊🏼🌟✨
SHINE!!!
I know that feeling…
Oh, Greg, I’m so sorry you feel this way, too. I hope, in some small way, my poem has made you feel less alone with your thoughts and feelings. It’s an awful place to be, I know. I hope you will soon begin to feel better. Sending you healing and comforting wishes on your journey. 😘
You may not know it yet but you ARE getting there.
Love you.
Thank you for having so much faith in me, Granny. I love you lots, too Xxx 💝🌷💞
Such a powerful poem, Ellie! I’m glad you’re able to use writing as a way of getting your emotions out. There’s always a reason to “hang on” but I know that sometimes that can be hard to see. Praying that you are able to see that….you have lots of people in your corner!!!
Thank you, Ann. I’m really not sure where I’d be if I weren’t able to write my thoughts and feelings out here on WP. I’m incredibly grateful to all my WP friends and readers for being there and sticking by my side during such a tough time for me. I’m still searching for that reason to hang on to the rope; if not for any other reason, my gratitude to everyone here is enough. Since I started my journey with WP all those years ago, I never imagined I would have made so many loyal friends and fellow bloggers. They (and you) have become like part of my family. Perhaps, I will try to write a thank you poem to you all for a change from my usual sadness and negativity. I will see how I feel in the next few days. X 💕
Ellie, I understand you! Guess what? I penned something yesterday in my page titled “Dark Night of the Soul” and wrote it, like you, to let the darkness of the soul out. So, yes, you’re helping a lot of people, I’m sure. You can go ahead and check it out; don’t give up, Ellie. I have not. I may not be a frequent commenter, but do know I read & enjoy everything you write. Keep on!
– Thompson
Thank you so much for reading and for being so kind to leave me a comment today. I appreciate that very much. I have visited your blog and read your piece Night of the Soul and left you a comment there. I can see the similarities between my writing and yours on this topic. I’m so sorry you are experiencing a difficult and painful time, too. Thank you for reaching out to me here – it means a lot. I’m glad you haven’t given up. I won’t either however difficult things get. I try to keep hold of hope even though, at times, it seems so far out of reach. I wish you healing and comforting wishes, Thompson. Ellie 😘
You’re very kind, thanks Ellie. I’m so glad to have corresponded with you again, my first time, I think, if you recall, was when I commented about your Peanut, around last year. Yes, just saw your message; I appreciate it. Looking forward to read[ing] more from you, and, maybe, eager to hear/read how things go for you on your end. It’s not too early to say Happy Thanksgiving; so, Happy Thanksgiving, friend.
Yes, I remember our conversation about Peanut now you have mentioned it. Peanut is well, although was very frightened off the loud fireworks that were set off in my town to coincide with switching on the town’s Christmas lights. She is currently hiding under my chair (her safe space). She will follow me up to bed shortly for cuddles, which will hopefully soothe her fears. I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, too. I will think of you. X
Good morning, Ellie. Thank you. I have included your poem in my latest piece (Ghost Day of the Soul); I had to! I hope you’ve a great start to the day, friend! Big hug!
Another fantastic piece of work.
Thank you, Brian.
You know the phrase ‘fake it ’til you make it’? Sometimes you just hold the rope because there’s nothing else to hold. Not all days are dark.
Thank you, Jeff. I have heard of that saying, but I find it very hard even to fake it some days. On the rare days I go out or see people, I do put on my smiley face and chat with people as if I don’t have a care in the world. This is genuine from the point of view of hoping to make someone else’s day a bit better. After all, none of us knows what others are going through in their lives. I guess this might be what you mean. I started keeping a journal three days ago and am making sure to add three (or more) things that I’m grateful for. I feel that’s the right way to begin the day. It sometimes helps me to get things into perspective a bit more. Thank you for your much-appreciated ongoing support, Jeff X.
I tried to keep a gratitude journal for a few days. Every time I tried to write it all expanded into blog posts. And with my stream of though writing style, they never wound up to be up beat. I’ve lately restarted trying to keep a journal, but I usually forget. I think it’s awesome that you’re doing that. report back if you feel a lift from it going down the road.
Thanks, Jeff. Will do.
Wonderful poetry Ellie. Your thoughts are literally so awesome😊👏👍
Thank you so much, Yaksh; that’s very kind of you to say. I’m glad you enjoyed my writing. Take care of yourself.
Ohh that’s always a pleasure for me dear Ellie! And by the way please do visit my page also and give your reviews so that I can also improve myself.
And you too Take care dear!🤗💞😊🙏💕
Above all else, Ellie, remember to breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Your breathing controls your emotions. Control your breath, control your emotion.
Thank you for reminding me of the importance of breathing, J. I started keeping a daily journal three days ago, adding at least three things I’m grateful for. It gives me a change of perspective, even if for only a short time X 💜
✌
❤ ❤
Thank you, Penny Xx 💜💙💜
You got this Ellie. Repeat that to yourself like a mantra. You got this. And you have yourself to thank. Because inside there’s one strong woman that knows she’s got what it takes.
Bless you.
Thank you so much for your kind comment and wise advice, Selma. I hope I will come to recognise that I am strong, although it’s difficult to accept that currently. I won’t give up trying, though. Xx 💖
Its okay to be dark.. its okay to express grief, in fact in this, at times toxically upbeat culture, its essential to survival especially if you absorbed another’s darkness through abuse..
I understand that feeling others will get tired of you being honest, but this just speaks of the fact it was hard for you to be accepted unconditionally. God loves and accepts you for both your dark and light and the capacity to feel great joy, only comes with the capacity to feel great sorrow.
Keep on being real.
I’ve never heard the words in your first paragraph spoken in that way before and I’m very grateful that you have expressed them in the way that you did, It’s never occurred to me that I would have absorbed the darkness from my abuser, but it makes perfect sense now. I lack confidence, am a perfectionist, and am very self-critical. None of those things bode well for a happy existence; however, when I write, I get a sense of relief of being able to let go of a tiny bit of my pain and fear. I lose my therapist at Christmas and am very scared about this. There’s a long waiting list to see someone else, and I’m fearful how I will survive without that support. Thanks for you all of reassurances. They mean a lot. X 💜
I read you were losing your therapist on Don’t Lose Hopes Website.. that is so deeply painful and traumatic it brings up so so much. Please email me if you ever need to I have a solid ongoing therapist who is amazing but I struggled to find her for many years. Please don’t be alone with the fear. You have that anchor to your true self in your poetry. Hold onto that. Big hugs and much love ❤️
Thank you so much for your understanding and for commenting on my poem. Writing is the most cathartic way I know of expressing my feelings. They are my true heart and soul speaking. Thank you for the offer to contact you about a therapist. I do really want to find someone I can see face-to-face rather than online. Also, cost is another issue for me. Up to now, my counselling, although time-limited, has been free. I’m now on a long waiting list, but this counselling, when I eventually get it, will have to be paid for. I can’t thank you enough for such a lovely reply and for your much-appreciated support. Much love and many hugs to you, too. Xx 💓🌷💓
I am sure the right person will come, the most important thing is that you know you are not alone. ❤
I love how you’re able to be so open in your writings. I hope it helps you find comfort and peace, if only for a little while. Love you, Ellie ❤️
Thank you very much, Jenn. My writing does bring me some comfort and, perhaps, a little peace, albeit only fleetingly. It helps anyway. Love you, too, Jenn Xx 💓🌻💕
Beautiful, heartbreaking words my dearest. I see you putting forth so much kindness and love in the world. You always brighten my day with your thoughtful and uplifting comments on my posts. I hope you can find a way to turn that kindness inward and give yourself the same kind of love you give so freely to others. You are amazing! Don’t forget it!
Thank you, Bridgette; you say the kindest things. It’s important for me to be kind and thoughtful towards others. Perhaps, unwittingly, I’m giving out what I would have liked to have had a child. I care deeply about others and their feelings and thoughts. I am so glad that I’m able to brighten your day in some little way. Your comments and replies to me always make me feel grateful and happy. Being kind to myself is another matter. It’s not something I’ve ever been any good at. Perhaps, it’s something I need to understand more and learn to incorporate that ‘self-love’ (not keen on that word for myself) into my being. Thank you for being as lovely as you always are. With my love Xx 💓🌼💞