Sitting here blankly, staring at the wall
Asking myself why I’m still here at all
Only two days ago, laughing and joking
Anguish has returned, prodding and poking
I’ve been making such effort all day today
Holding in misery and fearful to say
Just when I thought it’ll all be okay
Depression decided to come out to play
Keep my head in the clouds, feet on the floor
Hoping joy will return to knock on the door
Fighting the sadness, I’m not giving in
Not knowing how or where to begin
Tired though I am; I’ve got to keep running
Fighting off memories; keep the good coming
Therapy fading and slipping away
Making the most of each session, each day
I’m trying so hard again not to lose hope
Nearly evening now, and it’s tough to cope
How do I start to cut me some slack?
Come on, start climbing; no looking back.
Image by Dr StClaire from Pixabay
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Author: Ellie Thompson
Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ...
... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full.
I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else.
Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊
View all posts by Ellie Thompson
Essentially Ellie 
There is such positivity here.
You ARE going to make it.
I have faith in you.
Thank you so much for having faith in me, Granny. Some days, I think I’ll get there, but other days, I’m not so sure. I guess it’s all a question of balance, really. Love you lots Xxx 💓🌼💞
Hi Ellie! Beautiful and powerful poem. Sometimes I think stubbornness can be a helpful tool. When our minds are misbehaving, pulling us in all directions, we must be a little stubborn and say NO, like a stubborn little child who is refusing to eat their vegetables. Total refusal! Say No and move on to something YOU want to do. What other hobbies do you have? Keeping our minds occupied with interesting stuff is the perfect companion. I like watching documentaries 🙂 How’s Peanut?
Hi, J. Thank you for your kind words. I love the image of the child not wanting to eat their vegetables! I don’t have a lot of hobbies, really. I write an awful lot, as you know; I read when my concentration and Peanut allow it and I’m starting a new art project together with my best friend who is coming over on Monday. Art isn’t my strong point, but it’s fun to give it a go sometimes. I don’t watch much TV, although when I do, it’s usually real-life A&E (Emergency Room where you are) and police programmes. Peanut is okay, thank you. She’s had a couple of days where she was meowing a lot, but I couldn’t work out what was wrong. I was going to try to get a vet’s appointment for Monday, but she seems fine today. She’s asleep upstairs on my bed right now. I love it when she snuggles down with me at nighttime How are you doing? Xx 🐾💓🐈
🖤🖤
Thank you, Hal. Hope you are well Xx 💜🌼💜
Hey lady, post a picture of Peanut for us. I should you my kittens. I wanna see peanut.
Hi, Brian. I hope you’re okay, and your little furry friends are well, too. WP won’t let me post a photo of Peanut in the comments, but if you follow the link, with a bit of luck, it’ll take you to a post I wrote all about Peanut’s view of the world – it has a few photos of her there. I hope it works. If not, I’ll try to think of another way to get them to you. Fingers crossed. https://elliethompson.uk/2022/05/31/its-a-cats-life/
As easily as depression can come, joy can return. Give it time. Your mind is healing. Relapses are to be expected. But know they are no longer the way your life is now. The worse you feel today, the better you will feel tomorrow — or the next day. Learn your new life rhythms. They are in flux, but they need time to settle.
Thank you for your very helpful information, J. I guess it’s a case of taking it one day at a time, and it’ll take a while to feel my feet in my ‘new shoes’. At least my feet are on the ground and not down in a pit where they (and I) were last week. I’m still very scared about losing my counsellor (I have three sessions before Christmas and the final one is now on the 4th of January 2023 as she has annual leave on the 21st of December, which was meant to be my last session). I’m going to try my best not to sink too low when she goes, although, being realistic, I know it’s not going to be a ‘walk in the park,’ either. Thanks again for your much-appreciated support, J. I really value your comments. X 💜
rawgod offered some very sound support. One day, one moment at a time. peace…
I agree. Thank you for your comment, kindness and support, Kathryn Xx 💓
As rawgod says, Ellie, one day at a time. Tomorrow is a blank canvas.
Thanks, Mick. Strange, you used the word canvas. My best friend is coming over on Monday for an amateur art session. We’ve got a couple of literal blank canvases (from the cheap art shop), and we’re going to try to make a mixed media project with them. It should be fun. I’m trying to stay positive as often as I can. It’s still really tough at times, though. Thanks again for all your support over the years. It’s much-appreciated X
You’re welcome, Ellie. I hope it is of some help. See if you can really throw yourself into an art project. It can be very addictive!
Sweet Ellie, I am thinking of you and praying for you as well. Please continue to write as it is great therapy, at least for me. You have a great support team to keep you in thoughts, prayers and encouraged. Take care and relax for a while.
Thank you so much, Tangie. I am very fortunate in having such wonderful friends and support here on WP. You are all much-appreciated and never taken for granted. I will continue to write as it really helps me to process my feelings and thoughts. Love to you, my friend Xx 💝
You are welcome and loved dear Ellie.
Yes, tough at times and, yes, you’re losing your counsellor, but joy will return. I have faith. Small steps. I believe in you. Keep fighting.
Thank you for having faith in me, Brian. Sometimes I don’t have much confidence in myself, but, having said that, the days are slowly, slowly brightening up a bit. I’m hoping it will last. Losing my counsellor will be a real blow, but I hope I can still keep my head above the water then. Time will tell. Thank you for your encouragement, Brian.
Pema Chodrin is a wonderful Buddhist nun and author of several books which are just beautiful – perhaps google her Ellie and read some of her wisdom. I always find her calming and uplifting to read.
Thanks for your comment, Kate. I will definitely google her and find out more. I will welcome the calm and uplifting for sure. Thank you for your suggestion. Love to you, Kate Xx 💜💐💛
You recently had a good day.
And that was a sign that good days are just ahead.
You just keep running/climbing. Things will be better real soon. You’ve come so far, now there’s no looking back.
Thank you, Devang. I’m hoping that’ll be the case. I will do my best to keep climbing up even though it’s still very tough at times. Hoping for better days. Thank you for your encouragement as always 🌞
It’s tough but not impossible. You have that in you 😁. You are a fighter.
One day at a time Ellie. Hoping for a better one tomorrow.
Thanks very much, Jeff. I’ll have to wait and see how today goes, as I’ve just got up and had some breakfast. I know tomorrow will be a good day as my best friend is coming over to work on an amateur art project together – something neither of us had tried before. It’ll be fun, and I so enjoy her company.
Life is flux and if we can ride the tide its the best way, just knowing we cannot stay down forever. I thought to ask if you know of Rumi’s poem the Guest House? Its about even welcoming in the sad dark days, be extra sure to give your inner child a hug on those days and ask what she may need from you.. it beats fighting the things that need to be faced and released.. Hugs and love ❤
Thank you so much for your very interesting comment (is there a name I can call you, or do you prefer to be anonymous?). I will, of course, respect you either way. I hadn’t heard of Rumi’s poem, so I googled it – it’s very apt and has a lot of meaning. Thank you for telling me about it. I find it difficult to speak to my inner child – I realise it’s very beneficial. I will read up about this as I’d liked to know more. Thank you again for your kindness. Love and hugs for you, too Xx 💓🌼💕
Its Deborah heaps of love to you Ellie.
Hi Deborah. Sending much love to you, also. Xx 💓
❤ Sending prayers. ❤
Thank you, Penny. I appreciate that. Xx 💐💜
🙏💐💫
Thanks, Cherryl Xx 💙🌼💓
Making a quick stop here, but I’ll write you later, Ellie. I love the image you’ve opted to use. As always, a big hug from me. Write you later. Take care, my friend.
Thank you very much, my friend. It was a bit of an odd image, but one that just felt right and appealed to me for this poem. I’m glad you liked it, too. I will look forward to hearing from you again when you have time. Big hugs for you, also. Xx 💖
Depression comes in waves….so when you feel overwhelmed, it helps to remember that this wave will recede and you will be able to “get your head above water” again. It can be so very hard, but I honestly believe you’ll do it. Your writing is so eloquent and honest, and that’s a very good thing. You’re acknowledging the hurt and facing it!
Thank you for understanding so well, Ann. I have good days and bad days, although I guess that’s progress over having every day as a bad day. I’m frightened about when I lose my counselling now on the 4th of January as they are closed for three weeks over Christmas. I will try and stay stable, but I know this happening is really going to ‘knock me for six’. Thank you for believing in me – that means a lot and thank for your kind words about my poetry. X
Told ya I’ll be back! Hi, Ellie. Thank you for your honest acknowledgment(s) of how you’re feeling. I, too, know fully well how hard the deep hollow of depression can mess up with someone. I enjoy reading your works, yes, even the dark ones. I know; or, say, I trust that one of these fine days we’ll look back and give thanks for all season of life, good and the homely. Yours always.
Beautiful words of fighting back. Keep fighting. Put on those boxing gloves and give depression the old one-two! I’m kidding, of course, I know it’s far more complex than simply wishing it away. Sending you a hug and hoping for another good day soon.
Thank you very much, Bridgette. Boxing gloves would be good! Thank you for your understanding, too, and very much for your hug. FIngers crossed for better days to come. Xx 💛💐💛
You’re stronger than you imagine. Trust me. I can tell.
“I’m trying so hard again not to lose hope
Nearly evening now, and it’s tough to cope”
Nearly every evening – a pattern at the end of a day. I noticed in my own life when I was struggling with Chronic Shingles, the pain, the exhaustion from interruption of sleep from the pain, that when I reached the end of the day and I was clearly very tired, my depression would be stronger at that time.
When I was learning to take better care of myself, instead of forcing myself to push through ( I had many relapses because I kept going in that mode) I started connecting the patterns of depression with my energy levels and realized that some of it was situational, which told me I needed to change what I was doing.
When I decided to honor my body by getting more sleep, I found my symptoms and relapses were lessening.
We live in such a stressed-out society that teaches us to keep pushing when sometimes we need to rest or give ourselves an earlier bedtime. A peaceful pre-bed routine is good too to help the body start to de-compress and prepare to sleep. I take a higher dose of CBD before bed to help my system get sleepy and ready to sleep!