An ear to listen, a hand to hold
My story’s been told a hundred-fold
About my abuse, about my pain
And my mental health that fucks with my brain
~~~
I’ve told of my struggles, I’ve told of my fight
Whatever I do, I can’t get it right
My body is tired; my mind’s been stricken
With thoughts that make my heartbeat quicken
~~~
My mind is a jumble, just word upon word
My thinking is such that the lines become blurred
When will my world stop spinning around?
My head craves silence, please, not a sound
~~~
Yet, the thunder continues; there is no rest
And bedlam moved in as a permanent guest
Is there no respite for one such as me
While chaos reigns but no one can see
~~~
I sit and ponder these thoughts of mine
And watching the clock, eating the time
The mornings are better; not so afternoons
Bedtime can’t come a minute too soon.
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay
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Author: Ellie Thompson
Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ...
... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full.
I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else.
Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊
View all posts by Ellie Thompson
Essentially Ellie 
I cannot imagine what you are going through.
However, I know there’s a sunlight in your future.
Nothing last forever, and I know this agony will subside.
I have a faith, that you will fine the sunshine.
The sky will be yours and you will fly real soon.
🔆🕊️
Thank you so much, Devang. You say the nicest of things – thank you for caring. Each day varies so much for me. One day up, one day down etc. I guess that’s better than having every day down. Thank you for having faith in me. Your words are always so kind. X
Yes, definitely better than having all the day down.
A positive sign, that things will be better soon.
Take care.
Thank you, Devang.
This poem would make nice song lyrics. I really like this line: watching the clock, eating the time. Was yesterday the day you did art with your friend? Good experience?
Thank you, Jeff. Sometimes I spend ages searching for the right words for a poem, but at other times, they just pop into my head, like today. It was meant to be yesterday that we were going to do our art. As it was, we got talking so much, and the time just flew by, so we’re going to arrange another day to do it. I’m looking forward to that. Also, Peanut choked on something in the morning (no idea what it was, but she really had me scared). She’s never done that before, so I wanted to keep a careful eye on her. After that, she was off her food yesterday but seems to be okay today. Honestly, kids and pets are a real worry sometimes. When we finally have our art day, I’ll post the results on my blog (if it’s any good, that is.)
Good is in .the eyes of the beholders, not the artist. Most artists are too critical of their own work. It is never good enough for them. (I guess that is why I never made it as a poet, I love almost all my poetry.)
https://wordartbyrawgod.wordpress.com/?p=311
Sorry but this link doesn’t take me anywhere. It says ‘page not found’.
a ball of words
sometimes i wonder
is it really worth it
to spend my time on rhyme and verse
to curse the world and all its faults
to praise the beauties i can see
and then i answer
it is
to me
even if not to anyone else
for myself it does wonders
to calm a confused mind
and straighten out my head
moments like these
are ever so rare
in our galloping world
that to curl myself up
into a ball of words
is a pleasure
of uncommon delight
Sorry I’m so late getting back to you, J. I’ve been out for most of the day – quite rare for me.
Your poem is beautiful – every word carries meaning and feeling – you should write more like this when the mood takes you. You have talent, my friend, although being able to express ourselves in anyway that suits us is more important that having ‘talent’. I hope it helps you to express yourself in this form. I love the last stanza of your poem – ‘moments like these are ever so rare in our galloping world’ and ‘to curl myself up into a ball of words is a pleasure of uncommon delight.’ Thank you very much for sharing this with me. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I think you once said to me, and something very similar earlier too. Take good care of you. X 💙
Most of my poetry -wrting days are behind me.
9ops. Hit the wrong button. A number of publishers and a few critics told me I was not a poet, but a “wordsmith.” I thought wordsmithing was part of writing poetry, but to them my sentiments were too straightforward. I wasn’t hiding my themes in fancy doubletalk. Hopetully times have changed, but I haven’t tried lately.
That’s just appalling, J!! I, too, feel that wordsmithery is part of poetry writing. I would never think to separate the two words in meaning. Poetry should surely be about reaching or touching the reader’s heart or soul, not about hiding themes or expressing ourselves in gobbledegook. My writing is just words coming straight from my heart and mind – I wouldn’t want to write in doubletalk. How is the reader expected to ‘feel’ our poetry even if it dressed up and disguised as something else? How long ago did these people criticise you? Perhaps, you should rethink getting them published (if you still wish to publish at all, that is). I’ve been thinking about self-publishing and have read a lot of self-published poetry books from other people. They are quite successful in their field. If I ever do write a book, I would be doing it for self-satisfaction; definitely not fame or money if I was successful (even though the money could pay for my heating bills that I can’t afford anyway!) 💜
Did you check out those electric heaters I sent you. They are far better than freeszing, and inexpensive to run.
I ran into those publishers and critics in the 70s, all of them riding on their high horses. I was not looking for fame or fortune either, just a way to communicate with people I would normally never meet.
You and I both feel the same way about poetry. I can only hope the powers that be will catch up to us someday.
In those days there was no such thing as self-publishing on anything but a small local scale. But that is a subject for another day. Life calls.
Keep up the good work. And take care of yourself.
Yes, thank you for those links. I did take a look but then someone gave me a small oil filled radiator for nothing. It’s not especially cheap to run but it’s very effective so only needs to be on for a few minutes at a time if I have it by my side in my living room. Peanut sleeps right next to it so she’s staying warm too! Thanks for caring.
I’d like to think that publishers, by now, have a different and more up to date view of poetry.
I’ve been vaguely thinking about self-publishing as I can’t afford to pay a publisher, but one of the things I need to check out is that I’ve heard somewhere (can’t remember where now) that to publish a book of my poetry from my blog, I’d have to delete all my work on my blog so it was only available in the book. I’m not sure whether that applies to self publishing. I need to do some more research. There’s quite a lot to look into. I wouldn’t delete my blog even for the sake of a book as my loyalties and love lie in my blog where I’ve built up good friendships with so many lovely writers who have become friends now. Considering I’ve been writing my blog since 2014 including some poetry. There are still a couple of bloggers who I go back to that time with.
I do tend to disagree with the tutor I had who said we should ‘murder our darlings’. My ‘darlings’ are usually the parts of my poetry that I’m fondest of. Other than her view about that, she was a very good tutor. I don’t think it’s right to try to ‘correct’ someone’s poems as when we write from our hearts and souls, no one has a right to alter those feelings. Healthy opinions and conversations are fine and welcome but I wouldn’t dream of suggesting that a writer alters their work. It would be like asking them to alter their personality.
It’s always good to talk to you, J. I value your views and friendship here on WordPress. Take care of yourself 💜
Yes, you’re quite right, J. I never think my work is good enough. I’m my own worst critic. I also love my poetry but a writing tutor last year said that if you want to produce ‘good’ writing, you have to learn to ‘murder your darlings’, meaning that just because we really like something we’ve written, it might not as good as it could be for the reader. Not sure how well I’ve managed to explain that.
Critics are called critics for a reason. Never murder a poem. Everything you write has value, to you if no one else. But your readers are the ones who will tell you if they like a work. If the readers say it has calue, it has value.
Within such darkness there is light. I feel in my heart that things will get better for you Ellie, I truly do. I’m only an email away if you should ever need. Love you, xx ❤️❤️
Thank you so much, Jenn. You really are so kind. Some days are better than others, but today was a dark day. I keep hoping the light will come and occasionally, I get glimpses of it, but they don’t seem to last. I only have three counselling sessions left now and then, I’m on a long waiting list to see someone else. I feel very wobbly about the whole thing. Thank you for saying I can email you if I need to. That’s lovely of you to say. Love you lots, too Xx 💓🌼💓
I understand how those days can be. Some good, some bad, some light, some dark. Like I said the other day, you’re here in this moment in time and that’s what truly matters, at least to me. I can’t say I understand exactly what you’re going through, because only you know, however, I do understand the pain of abuse and the struggles of mental illness. You’re not alone Ellie.
If you get a chance, listen to this song. “Say I Won’t” by Mercy Me. It has such a powerful message to it. Sending you so much love and support. ❤️😊 ❤️
Thank you for understanding so well, Jenn. I’m sorry that you have that familiarity with abuse and pain, though. Thank you for making me feel less alone in this. I’ve just listened to the song – it’s beautiful – wonderful words. Thank you for recommending it for me. Loads of love to you, my friend Xx 💓💐💓🌼💓
You are down now.
The only way is up.
I have faith in you.
xxxxx
Thank you very much, Granny. I do hope you are right. Thank you for having faith in me. I will email you this evening. Love you loads Xxx 💓🌻🌼💓
The light after darkness is brighter!!
Thank you so much for your reassurance, Vidah. You are very kind. X 💐
🤗❤
wonderfully penned, Ellie. ❤
Thank you, Penny. That’s kind of you to say. Xx .💕
Keep writing these powerful words. I hear hopefulness in those words, Ellie. You want to be free from this pain and I know you will. Keep going.
Thank you so much, Bridgette, for understanding what’s behind my words. I do, definitely, want to be free of this pain, although I think, with losing my counsellor, it might well be a long road. I hope I can manage to cope during the many months on the waiting list for another counsellor. I will do my best. Xx 💖🌼💖
😦
Thanks, Greg.
Once again, I am in awe of the power and honesty of your excellent poem. I truly hope writing about your abuse lessens the pain, at least a little bit!
I’ve only known of your work a very shot period of time. But every time I see a new post I am eager to read what you write, and I have seen nothing short of amazing.
Thank you so much, Brian. That really is so kind of you to say. I’m very grateful that you read and enjoy my poetry. Have a lovely day.
Get as much rest as you can. Please do.
Hello Selma. I’m not back to full-time blogging yet, but just popped into my blog and read your comment. I just wanted to acknowledge it and say thank you for your kind words. I hope you are well, and I look forward to catching up with some of your work once I’m able to get back into blog reading etc. Xx 💐💕
💗 🕊️ ✨
Wow! Beautifully written.
Thank you very much for reading my poetry and for dropping into my blog. I’m glad you liked my poem. It’s very kind of you to leave me a comment. I appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing your deep poetry. I wish I could write more but words fail me. So I’m glad others are able to be a source of comfort to you.
Hello, Britcanwrites (what do you like to be called?). I’m not back to full-time blogging yet as I’m taking a short break, but I just checked into my blog and saw your kind comment. I wanted to acknowledge it and say thank you for your lovely words. I never used to be able to write poetry, but now, I find it’s the best way to express what I’m feeling. I will call into your blog sometime this week, too. Thanks again … Ellie X 💐
Brit works. Okay. I see. I’m glad you found poetry as you’re a natural at it. I hope it brings you light at the end of the tunnel as you express what you’re feeling. I don’t have deep posts on my blog, but I hope you find something you like. You’re very welcome. 🌼
Keep ✍️ing when you feel like it. 🤗
Thank you very much, Tangie. Xx 🤗💓