Raw

My heart is still heavy, but I’m wanting to write
I’ve opened my ears and sharpened my sight
I’m trying my best to keep trudging along
Not to do anything drastic or wrong

Spent the weekend with the kids and my son
I’ve let go of the thoughts of firing the gun
Thanks to my friends here for sticking by me
Without all of you, I’d doubt I’d still be

I’m busy this week, which might just be good
Not really up to it, but know that I should
Still don’t feel able to read a lot
My stomach just feels full of knots

Christmas, for me, is a lonely time
But, I guess I’ll have quiet to pen a rhyme
Lost my Mum on the 30th of December
During the holidays, it’s tough to remember

I’ve still got an awful long way to go
The process is still incredibly slow
I’m dreading my therapy, with the end being near
January the fourth, I’m still full of despair

Before that time comes, there’s a three-week break
The thought of this makes me a physically ache
With the end being nigh, and that’ll be that
Somebody else will sit where I once sat

After that, I have to wait on the list
My counsellor will be so sorely missed
Everything is exposed and so raw
Will it be like this forevermore?

Just to let you know, I’m taking things slowly with getting back to reading and commenting and am limiting myself to just a few blog posts a day for the time being. I’m missing all my regular bloggers, but am doing the best that I can. I wanted to write something today and will probably continue to do so as the days go by because it helps me to process my feelings. I’ve got a very busy few days coming up (unusual for me), so please bear with me. Thank you to all of you, my readers and regular bloggers, for having faith in me and for your kind patience.

Love and Hugs, Ellie Xx
💙💙💙



43 thoughts on “Raw

  1. Will it be like this forevermore? No. Some depression is situational, as in “that really sucks so I’m depressed” and sometimes it’s chemical. In my experience both end in time regardless of what’s going on in your life. Recently I’ve been reading about experiments where depressed people take Psilocybin or Ketamine for depression. it might be worthwhile looking into whether there are any studies going on near you that you could join. In the articles I read, the both sound like a magic bullet.

    1. Thank you for your reassurance and useful information again, Jeff. I do take ordinary antidepressants for long-term depression and this has been controlled well by the drug I’m currently on. However, I think you’re right about this being more situational depression. I still have the loss of my counsellor to get through yet and I know how tough that’s going to be. Hopefully, once I’ve been assigned a new counsellor, things will pick up more quickly.

      My sister in Australia was one of the first group of people to trial Ketamine for depression and said it was very effective. I will ask my doctor about this when I next speak to her. She phoned me yesterday, as she’d promised, just to see how I was doing. I’m very lucky to have such a good GP.

      Thank you again for your kind email – it really was most helpful, and thoughtful of you, too. Have a lovely day X

  2. We are here for you as you process through this journey, know you are loved! Keep fighting the good fight and writing!! Your writing helps you and others more than you know!
    Love and blessings my dear friend. 🙏❤️❤️💝

    1. Thank you for your kindness, Pamelap, and for being with me on my journey. That means a lot to me. I will keep fighting – it’s my writing and love from all my readers that keeps me going. Goodness where I’d be without my writing. I find it very cathartic. Love and hugs to you, dear friend Xx 🤗🌼💝

    1. Thank you for your kind comment, dear Mousumi. I have several people say to me during my later life that I have a lot of determination. I have to try and remember this when I’m feeling so low. Thank you so much for your love and best wishes – they are truly appreciated. Hugs for you Xx 🤗💐💓

      1. Thank you. I’m doing the best I can. It’s just hard when everyone is leaving and life is changing and I don’t really know how to navigate life at this point, and everyone is so hostile and polarized and I don’t fit neatly into either camp so I just feel attacked and ostracized from both sides.

      2. Dear Greg. I don’t know much about your situation, but it sounds like you are having a really tough time, too. I’m very sorry to hear this. I’m sorry to know that people are being hostile and that you don’t feel you fit in to either camp. Have you thought about writing about the situation you are in; I find writing is the only thing I can do that keeps me going even when things feel impossibly unbearable. It might be helpful, but of course, only you can decide if this would help or not. In the meantime, my friend, I send you my best and comforting wishes x 🤗

      1. Thanks. Those seem to be the main areas of my lufe these days. Temperatures are minus 30° C so going out of the hoyse is on a needs basis only. Because I somehow didn’t plug the car in properly last week, it got too cold to start. One of the hazards of living in the far far north.

      2. Minus 30C!! Goodness – and I thought minus 1C tomorrow and minus 6C, which we are expecting at night-time tomorrow was cold! How on Earth do you stay warm when you go out? I hope you get your car started before too long.

      3. Then I should not correct myself, but I have to. At 9:00 AM where I am, the temp was actually minus 41°C. We usually do not get there till the 3rd week of January! 😉 The car was fine the next day once I plugged it in properly.

    1. Thank you, Mick. You are always so kind and helpful. As one of my very first readers when I began my blog, I very much appreciate your friendship and support. I will take it easy as I’m still pretty shattered from the emotional stresses. I find it difficult to be kind to myself, but I’m going to do my best as I know this will benefit me, especially at the moment. Thanks again, my friend X

    1. Dear Thompson. Thank you for reading my poem and for being there for me. I feel very blessed that I have some wonderful friends, including you, at WordPress. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support, my friend, along with everyone else’s. Hugs coming your way, too 🤗

  3. I think the way the holidays are marketed creates lots of needless anxiety and loneliness and depression. And even for those who do spend time with family it can cause feelings of inadequacy when you feel you fall short in giving what you feel you want to give.

    I would be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with my late mother if she were still alive. I really do not have any in person friends in my daily life outside the net. I spent Thanksgiving alone besides a brief visit from a couple of friends who now have 2 and 3 jobs each and also children, so not much time for me.

    My atheist friends and poetry friends and my best friend are all too far away to see in person. So I get most of my like minded socializing online.

    But glad to hear you are sticking it out. I have never ceased to be amazed by your work since I started reading it. You really do have people that care, and you should never feel alone. You give people therapy too.

  4. Dear Brian, I’m sorry you feel so alone so much of the time. I do agree with you about the holidays being advertised as all ‘happy families’, celebrations, expensive gifts and luxury food when so many of us aren’t able to either afford that or have no one to share it with anyway. I’m nearly always on my own on Christmas Day despite having family not so far away. Although I do have a couple of friends in my ‘real’ offline life, I only share my deepest thoughts with my lovely WP friends. You are all like family to me, and I feel very grateful to have such special people in my life, virtual or otherwise.

    I’m sorry you lost your Mum and can’t spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with her anymore. I feel the same way about my late Mum, who I lost six years ago this month. It’s always so hard to feel in a celebratory mood without her. I might write a poem about my dear Mum around Christmas or the time of losing her on the 30th of December. Losing her then makes New Year difficult, too. I find Christmas Day the toughest without her and have, in the past, gone out for a walk (or drive, in my case) into town, but it’s deserted, and there’s never a soul about. Even all the homeless girls and guys are usually offered food and accommodation for Christmas and Boxing Day. I’ve only ever found one open place, which was a run-down Wetherspoons pub full of somewhat drunk men and women, possibly drowning their sorrows, too. I felt for them, really. As I don’t drink alcohol anyway, it didn’t appeal to me in the least.

    Thank you for your kind words about my work, Brian – I appreciate your views very much. I do hope that through my writing, I’m helping someone else somewhere relate to what I write and feel less alone with their own thoughts and feelings.

    I will try and catch up with some of your recent posts when I can. I hope Anneplath and Kelly are still doing well and keeping you occupied and entertained. Very briefly, I read in one of your posts that the vet said that Anneplath was a boy kitten, not a girl. Will you have to change his name, or has the name Anneplath firmly stuck already?

    Oh, dear. I’ve just reread my comment to you and realised it’s rather a dissertation than a comment! I can’t decide which bits to cut out to make it shorter and less to plough through, so apologies if I’ve been somewhat long-winded. Take good care of yourself, my dear friend. Love Ellie X 💙

  5. Thanks for writing Ellie, and thanks for hanging in there, and fighting, and doing your best to take care of yourself. Sometimes we need to withdraw and hunker down as it’s the only way to survive. I’m glad you are being real about your needs and limits right now. Thinking of you.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts and encouragement. That means a lot to me. I had a difficult day yesterday and didn’t feel I could trust myself to keep myself safe. I felt very panicky and scared. In the end, I took myself off upstairs (with my cat) and watched some TV and dozed for nearly three hours until I felt safe enough to look after myself again. I just didn’t know what else to do other than that, but at least, I didn’t do anything awful or irreversible even though I felt like it at the time. I so appreciate you reading my blog – thank you. Xx 💙

      1. I’m glad you ave safety strategies in place for when you feel the panic and fear rising. Sometimes it is helpful to change physic environments, and leave the house completely, if you start to feel desperate.

    1. Thank you so much, Granny. I’m very honoured to have so much care from my lovely readers. If I wasn’t able to write, I doubt I’d still be here. I’ve had a very busy week (unusual for me), so haven’t had much time to write the last couple of days. Thank you for always being there for me, my dear friend. Love you. Hugs Xxxx 💝

    1. Thank you so much, Krissy. I appreciate that very much. I hope you are well and able to get back into your usual writing for your blog. Sorry I’ve got behind in reading yours and others’ blogs. Xx 💜💐💙🌻💜

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