A Bitter Pill

I cannot think; I cannot write
I can only see the end in sight
I cannot read the blogs I follow
Keep saying that I will tomorrow

My brain’s in autopilot mode
I just can’t carry this hefty load
My counselling has nearly ended
And yet, my heart still hasn’t mended

I’m losing C., my therapist
She’s going to be so sorely missed
Desperation is setting in
Fear like shark’s teeth on my skin

I’ve just got two days left to attend
I know that I am reaching the end
What will there be left of me?
An empty vessel is all I’ll be

The holidays just two weeks ahead
With jolly Santa, dressed in red
It’s such a struggle again this week
Where do I find the comfort I seek?

My heart beats fast and faster still
As I swallow down this bitter pill
I really don’t know how I’ll cope
I’m trying not to give up hope.

(Photo by Maddi Bazzocco on Unsplash)

A neighbour died two doors away
I only found out yesterday
He was a husband, friend and dad
Mourning him and feeling sad.

RIP Graham J.

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊

36 thoughts on “A Bitter Pill”

  1. Sending you so much strength and love Ellie. I know none of us here can truly know what you’re going through, but we sure do care about you. I know that within all the darkness, there is light. You’re here with us for a reason Ellie, and I’m glad for that. Please take care of yourself, we will be here for you always! ❤️❤️

    1. Thank you so much, Jenn. I feel very lucky and blessed to have you amongst my dear friends and readers. You are always so kind, caring and reassuring 💓.

      I have a counselling session this Wednesday; then, it’s Christmas, and then, it’s my final time with my therapist on the 4th January, and I’m dreading it even now.

      I’m hoping that some of my family will come over over the holidays. Having the children here should help take my mind off of all the worry and anxiety. However, I can’t say I’m not scared because I am. I feel like I’m just going to disappear down a dark hole in the road after my last session. Thank you for always being here for me, dear Jenn. Love to you Xxx 💓💐💓

      1. Well, let me take your hand and try and help you along the way. I wish there were something I could do to make it all better for you Ellie, I truly do. I hate that things happen to people and it tries to convince them they are not worthy, when in fact they are. I believe in you and I know you’ll get through this. 💓💐💓

        1. Thank you so, so much for such kind words and wishes, Jenn. It honestly means so much to me. My last session is on the 4th January and then, I’ll be without a therapist for several months. I’m really so grateful to all my WP friends and readers for their constant support. It means the world to me. Much love to you. Xx ❤️🦋🌹💛

  2. Closing one door always opens another. Right now you may not even see the next door, but it will be there, and it will be open. Believe in yourself. Believe there is a future.

    1. Thank you, J. I’ve often heard that said, ‘when one door closes, another door opens.’ I do hope the saying and your belief come true – I really do. Believing in myself takes some doing right now.

      I’m fortunate in that I think my family are all coming over sometime over the holidays. I rarely see them over Christmas, so it’ll do me good, keep me busy and take my mind off my dilemma/situation 💙.

      1. Just a suggestion:
        I don’t know if you are religious, or even if you like listening to music. But one album that gives me a lot of peace, even though I am not religious in any way, is Neil Diamond’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull, available on YouTube and probably elsewhere on the internet. I find it extremely calming. Maybe you will also.

        1. Thanks for your suggestion, J. I’m not religious but Jonathan Livingstone Seagull is one of my favourite books. I don’t know the music for it though so I’ll definitely listen to that in the morning. Thanks again.

  3. oh-oh death, spare me over ’til another year. I’m sorry for your neighbor and everyone in his orbit. How will you cope? You’ll just try your best, and then try your best again. And again. That’s all any of us can do. Publish a post a day and enjoy the interaction with your writing peers.

    1. Thank you, Jeff. My neighbour was only 65 but then, death is no respecter of age. Thanks for your encouragement to keep writing. To be honest, I really do appreciate all the wonderful support I receive from my WP friends and readers. I’m not sure I’d still be here without you all. Thanks again.

  4. I’m so sorry to hear about your neighbor! Sudden death is always a difficult thing to accept, especially around the holidays. Your poem is very powerful, and I hope writing continues to be a good way to channel your emotions. I know the fear of losing your therapist is very real, and I hate that it is happening to you!

    1. Thank you for your caring and comforting words about the loss of my neighbour and friend. I think the funeral will be before The holidays. This time of year is difficult for so many people because, for some reason, so many people seem to pass away around Christmas and New Year time. My Mum died on the 30th of December, as you will probably remember. We both used to be alone in different parts of the country on Christmas Day and would have at least four phone calls during that day, keeping each other company. That’s when I miss her the most.

      Without my writing to express my emotions and without the support of all my WP friends and readers, I’d be in a far worse place. I’m so grateful to you all.

      Yes, the fear of losing my therapist on the 4th of January is all-encompassing right now. Thank you for caring, Ann x

    1. Thanks so much, Granny, for having confidence in me. Strangely enough, I have a small tattoo on the inside of one arm – it’s an image of a kingfisher with the words, ‘This too shall pass’ tattooed around the bird. So much love to you, my dear friend Xxxxxx 💓💚💐💚💓

  5. Don’t worry about the missed blogs, you can always find time for them.
    Right now, what’s most important is you.
    Please take care, and don’t get nervous thinking about the future. I hope, things get well with the new year. I know you can, and will find sunshine in 2023.
    Hold strong.

    Btw, congratulations on 500 followers. Keep sharing.

    1. Thank you for your reassurance and kindness, Devang. I’m hoping Christmas will take my mind off my own problems as My family are hoping to come over sometime during the holidays. It will do me good. I will do my best to stay strong.

      How did you realise I’d just reached 500 followers? I didn’t even notice till late last night. Perhaps, I should do a post about that. X

        1. Thank you, Devang. I’ve just heard from my son and he’s changed his mind about coming over on Christmas Day 😢. He said he will try and come over for a while on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. That means I’ll be on my own again for Christmas Day as usual. I’m not very happy 😔. I’m so disappointed. I’ve been telling everyone on my blog that I’ll have family with me this Christmas, but now that’s not happening. Thanks for the congratulations for having 500 followers.

          1. Maybe you can visit some local places with Christmas decoration?
            You need to think, how you can make most of it 🙂
            Please don’t be sad.
            Maybe there’s something good in this. You never know.

            1. Thanks, Devang. My neighbours have got decorations outside their houses for their young children. They are pretty but I’m not able to put any of my own, or a tree up. In previous years when I’ve been alone for Xmas Day, I’ve gone out in Alfie and driven into town to see if there are any homeless people on the streets that might like a chat. Usually, there’s not a soul to be seen. I think most homeless people are given some shelter and a hot meal by one of the charities. I will still try to do this as long as it’s not raining.

              1. You and Alfie need to explore. I think it will surely do some good. For a while it will give you some peace. You have some days left until Christmas, you need to think of ways to make it joyful 😊

  6. It’s natural to experience a sense of desperation as you think about your counselling sessions ending but you will cope. You have the inner resources to make it through. Thinking of you.

    1. Thank you for understanding and for thinking of me. I’ve also just read your post about deserving a good life and was going to leave a comment there. I thought things would be better over Christmas, as I was expecting my family to come over, but my son has just left me a message to say that he and the children aren’t coming over on Christmas Day after all. That means I’ll be alone for the ‘big’ day again. It’s hard to believe that I deserve a good life when things like this happen 😔. I miss my Mum a lot on Christmas Day. She died six years ago on the 30th December and we always used to have long chats on the day as we were both alone. Sorry for the grumble. I’m just feeling hopeless today. I thought things would be different this year, but it seems not to be after all.

  7. I’m so sorry for the loss of your neighbor. What a terrible blow right before the holidays. I know I’m very behind in reading your posts, but I still wanted to say I’m thinking of you. I know this time of year is hard for many people and you’ve got an extra set of struggles this time with losing C. I know it’s weighing so heavily on you. I pray you find peace around the loss and hope. Cling to hope, Ellie. Things will get better.

    1. Thank you so much, Bridgette. It really was so sad to lose Graham. He had four adult boys and several grandchildren. His wife has Dementia and doesn’t really understand what’s happened. I don’t know whether that’s a blessing or not. The funeral took place earlier this week.

      Thank you from the bottom of my heart for thinking about me at such a difficult time (for me). I appreciate your thoughts and prayers so much. My last session is in exactly one week, next Wednesday afternoon, and I’m absolutely dreading it, as you know. I don’t know how I’m going to cope without C. – I will try to cling to hope. I won’t know how I’ll manage until the time comes. I’ve had a break of three weeks over Christmas and have coped by shutting everything down emotionally about my past and not allowing myself to feel my feelings. Thank you so much for caring, Bridgette. Xx 💜

      1. Keep sharing your beautiful words here and let us all be your support for now. I really hope you get a new therapist quickly and maybe they are even better than the last!

        1. Thank you, Bridgette. I’m very fortunate to have so many very supportive readers in our WordPress community and I value each one of you. I’m counting the days now till my last session next Wednesday. I want to write a letter to my therapist to say thank you (as well as the poem I wrote). I do hope you’re right in that it won’t be long before I get someone else (but I’m scared about the long wait). It will be good if my new therapist is better than my current one, although, to be honest, C. will take some beating as she’s been so wonderful to me and has taught me so much. I’m keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that I won’t have to wait too long Xx 💕

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