The Journey – A Poem

Most of you who know me will have learned that my desperately-needed counselling has to come to an end on the 4th of January 2023 (straight after the New Year). I’m on a two-week break over Christmas at the moment. You know how terrified I am of being without Chris. I’m still on a long waiting list to enable me to see someone else; this is likely to be months rather than weeks. All the things and emotions I’ve shared with her, some of which I’ve never shared with anyone before, where do they go? Do I have to begin all over again with a new person? I’m not sure I coud bear that.

I wanted to write something for Chris to express my gratitude for all the work we’ve done together, but also to share my fear of coping without her to speak to every Wednesday.

THE JOURNEY

I wanted to write something purely for you
to say thank you for all that you’ve done and do
I came, and you helped me to open my heart
You’ve listened to poems and seen bits of art

You’ve travelled my journey alongside with me
through all the depression and anxiety
We tried to deal with my muddled eating
That was the first thing we intended treating

But, then came the flashbacks of child sex abuse
A crime committed with no good excuse
I shared secrets I’d never discussed before
Felt guilty as hell as I stared at the floor

You’ve been by my side and witnessed my pain
Taught me I’m worthy and have lots to gain
You’ve reassured me I wasn’t to blame
and helped me let go of the awful shame

Trying to deal with my anger was tough
I couldn’t scream or shout loud enough
I did once throw hard clay at the chair
Tried to imagine the bastard sat there

I poured out my soul in words, rhyme and tears
and looked at my strengths and all of my fears
I’m so grateful to you for hearing my truth
of long, long ago, back in my youth

You’ve listened to secrets and made me feel brave
and I’m dreading our final goodbye and last wave
How do I live with this loss and my pain?
I just can’t believe I won’t see you again.

With my love, Ellie Xxx 🖤🖤🖤



56 thoughts on “The Journey – A Poem

  1. Thank you for sharing your story and a poem about it!!!
    Always,remember to keep discovering your self and express it so you can be anthentic in your life!!
    The healing process start when you starting having peace with the trauma of the past,the questions start and the journey to discover your self starts!!!
    Hope you have wonderful moments in your life!!!
    Every time you are down from any reason just express you self with art or by talking to some one that you have love and connection with.
    And always remember your love ones,they are always besides us.
    I will end this with something that came to my mind the last 6 months.
    From the moment a life is born in earth till the moment a life end it’s always in this planet in order to help us and protect and give life to the earth.

  2. I’m sure Chris will cherish this. Therapists (good ones anyway) make such an indelible mark on those they support. I hope you and Chris cross paths again some day.

    1. Thank you, Jeff. You are quite right. Chris has been on such a long journey with me, and I’ll forever be grateful to her. I doubt our paths will ever cross again, but then who knows what the future holds? Thanks for travelling on my blogging journey through all of this, too.

  3. I am going to go out on a limb here, but I think your poem needs one more verse, where you tell Chris that you will remember all the work she did with you, and how far you have come from before you met her.
    I know you don’t always feel stronger right now, but you are stronger. And as time passes you are going to discover just how much stronger Chris has heloed you become.
    Now, for you, Chris did help, but YOU are the one that has done all the work. It was not easy opening up, but YOU did it. Chris was just the catalyst. YOU are the chemical reaction. Give YOURSELF credit. And give yourself permission to realize how different you are today from the person who walked into Chris’s office for your first meeting. YOU DID ALL THAT! So give yourself some credit too…

    1. Thank you, J. Yes, you are quite right – in fact, you are absolutely right. Thank you for your suggestion of adding an additional verse. I’m so glad you recognised the need for this. I will definitely write another few lines. It will make more sense and help Chris to realise that she has made a difference in my life.

      Thank you for helping me to see my part in my ongoing recovery, too. I find it difficult to give credit to myself; I think because I was always put down as a child. I don’t feel strong now with the ending coming so soon and the heartache that will be left in its place afterwards. Currently, I feel like I’m going to fall to bits after my last session. However, I like your expression, “YOU are the chemical reaction.” I’ve never thought of it like that. I guess I am different now than when I first met Chris. I’ll let you know when I’ve written my extra verse, as I value your opinion and advice. I can’t think how long ago we ‘met’ here. I think I was already seeing Chris when we did, as I’ve been seeing her for nine months now, and I’m sure we didn’t know each other before this time. When I look back at my work, my writing style has changed considerably. Thank you again for pointing out how helpful an extra verse will be. Xx 💙

      1. 💜💛 No, it has not been nine months since we met.
        But I cannot resist the opportumity to mention the symbology involved in working with Chris for 9 months. You were but an embryo, growing daily. Now she will be releasing you into the world on your own — a definite rebirth.
        I am looking forward to the next few months as you discover your new butterfly.
        You are about to unfold your new wings, and fly.

        No, it won’t be easy, but you will gain strength every day. Chris was your midwife. You are both mother and child. So care for yourself, and care about yourself. And love your new self as only a mother can!

  4. Amazing how you can put into words your journey with this therapist and all you have been through!! I hope that this will work out for you, holidays can be hard!

    1. Thank you very much, redtractors1. I appreciate your thoughts and your comment. My last session is on the 4th of January, so although it’s going to be hard getting through the holidays for two weeks without my counsellor, it’ll be harder still to get through and cope with permanently losing her after New Year.

  5. I’m sure Chris will appreciate seeing your heartfelt poem. This door seems to be closing. I know it’s scary, I don’t want to diminish that at all . . . but I’m excited to see what other door opens up for you. Who knows? Maybe something happens or maybe you continue writing and that opens a door you never expected. Sending positive thoughts your way Ellie.

    1. Thank you, Brian, for understanding that it’s so scary. I know the phrase, ‘when one door closes, another door opens’ although it’s not much comfort at the moment. I hope you are right about something else happening that could be good. I will certainly carry on writing. I’d like to have a book published (probably self-published) of my poems. It’s very expensive going through a publisher, so that’s out of the question, really. Thank you for your positive thoughts, Brian.

  6. What a beautiful and heart-felt poem! And also a lovely tribute to your counselor. I hope you are able to get a new counselor soon, and one who is just as good for you! Hugs, Ellie!

    1. Thank you so much, Ann. I think it might be some months before I get someone else. It’s going to be hard having no one in the meantime, and then having to start over again with someone else worries me. Thank you for your good wishes, though, Ann. Many hugs to you, too X 💙

    1. I’m sorry to hear that, Greg. That must have been very unsettling for you. Are you with anyone else now? It’s hard when you get to trust a therapist and then they leave and you have to start all over again with someone new 💙.

      1. Yes, I am. I can only get an appointment once a month because of how busy and overworked everyone in this system is, but that’s better than nothing, and better than it was a few years ago when I quit therapy altogether because only going once every three months was kind of pointless. I’ve done better with writing down what I need to work on for the month in between, but I haven’t been good at following through… mostly because my appointments are usually in the late afternoon, they have to be with my work schedule, and once I get out I just want to go home and rest and be brain dead, and then I forget all about it… 😦

      2. Oh, I am sorry, Greg. Once a month – that’s dreadful. Although you say it’s better than nothing, that’s an awful long time to be left with your thoughts running around in your head. It’s good that you are able to write things down, but I can understand you not being able to follow through. As for every three months, that’s shocking! I used to see my psychiatrist every six months until he decided to discharge me with no notice. Are you in the UK? It sounds like it given the state of our NHS and especially, mental health services. I daresay, many other places have the same issues with shortages of staff and funds, not that that’s any consolation for you, I know. It must be so hard for you – I really feel for you, Greg. Try to take care of yourself 💙.

      3. USA. I’m part of an integrated health system, so my health insurance costs less per month but they typically only pay for care at their own facilities exclusively for members. Remember, health care for ordinary citizens isn’t paid for by the government here, but part of it is paid for by my employer. (I don’t want to get into the discussion of whether I like that system or yours better.) But my experience of having spent most of my adult life as a member of this health organization is that, for mental health, they aren’t as interested as just getting someone for you to talk to as they are setting goals and evaluating goals so that you can be transitioned out of that system. And my goals have become a bit more nebulous over the years as life has changed. I’ve also had times when I felt like they just wanted to throw pills at the problem; the ones I tried either did nothing or made me feel worse.

      4. I’m sorry you’re in the situation you’re in, Greg. I realised that, in the US, there is no public health care. It must be expensive to have to have insurance to pay for your health needs. I, too, have been under mental health services for more years than I care to count. Over here, it’s nigh on impossible to get someone to talk to, too. Our system tends to rely on medication, which I’ve been on so long, I doubt it does much anymore. Just recently, because of my current situation, they increased my medication. It does help me sleep a bit better at night, but can also cause a hangover effect during the day, which I’m not too keen on. I hope to get off some of my medication eventually, but know that now is not the right time. We get discharged after only one or two appointments. Not good enough when you need ongoing support. Take care, Greg x

    1. Thank you, Devang. I do hope you’re right. It’s tough at the moment, but I keep hoping something will change soon. It partly depends on how long I have to wait to see a new counsellor. I hope you are well.

  7. So Sorry you are losing your counselor, Chris! Perhaps there is a solution about not wanting to have to start all over again with a new counselor?? What if, you go back in your memory to the first time you met with Chris use vivid visualizations of all of your counseling sessions starting with number one and write everything down you and she shared together. Use your memories like video tape and capture the scene and the dialog between you. This would save you from having to recount and waste time with a new counselor. You could save your writing, like a manuscript and it would be there for them and more importantly it would be there for you so that the memories and the blessings of your time with Chris are captured forever for you and maybe more importantly for you to share with those who are dealing with the same issues in their lives!! Like in a book????
    Have a blessed day, My Dear!!!
    😊💕🌹🌹

    1. Thank you, Reluctant Poet, for your kind, helpful and thoughtful words. I think your idea is a very good one and I will try to do this. It will take some time but I won’t see Chris for my last session until the 4th of January. I also thought I’d write a letter to my new counsellor when I am allocated one, telling her the things I want her to know before we start working together. I will give this to Chris to pass on to the appropriate person when I see her for the last time after New Year. When I write my blog posts, not only do I find them to be cathartic but I also hope they will touch, reach out to others who, feel alone with their own pain and trauma. I’d like to get all my poems together to have a book published. The problem with that is that it’s so expensive to have anything published, so this might not be possible. I’ll keep searching, though. Thank you for your blessings for today. They are much appreciated 💙🌷💚

      1. I glad you thought some of my suggestions might be helpful. I definitely think you should maybe try and capture everything that is still fresh and vivid in your memory. You might want to create an outline of past at certain ages for you to use to file your past and events and incidents as you may recollect them. Things come back in bits n pieces.

        I think maybe you should ask Chris if she might be able to provide something like an “Executive Summary” of her sessions with you and the issues. You might then be able or want to forward that to your new counselor. I think most states and/or countries have some provisions for patients to be able to see their files. You might want to see if you can take a look at them.

        Your poems/posts will definitely help others and the process of writing about it and sharing is good for you and will help them. These days publishing an ebook is not that expensive and can be done as self-publishing. You should check into it. Amazon has a whole program to help writers self-publish.
        Be well, My Dear!! And Happy Holidays! 😊💕💕🌹

      2. Thank you very much. Reluctant Poet (do you have a name you go by if you don’t mind me asking?) You have some really good ideas there. I will definitely ask my current counsellor if she could pass on some information to the new person. It would save me from having to go through everything again from the very beginning. I’m also writing a letter to my new counsellor with things I’d like her to know about me before we begin therapy.

        I did have a look on Amazon about publishing but found it very complicated. There is a small mental health publisher locally, but they charge £600! I don’t have that sort of money unfortunately.

        I hope you are well and that you enjoy the holidays, too. 💖🌼💕

      3. Yes, it’s Chuck Lindholm. You can use my contact page if you want to talk offline.

        I think your idea of contacting Chris and your new counselor are great ideas.

        I would steer clear of that mental health publisher – if they are wanting you to pay them money they are a “Vanity Press” – take money from those who want to have a book but won’t market and promote it – they leave that to you 600 pounds a no go.

        Check out youtube.com and google.com on self-publishing. Here is one sample

        Merry Christmas, Dear!

      4. Thank you for this, Chuck. It’s nice to have a name to call you by. Yes, you’re probably right about that publisher. Thank you very much for the link about self-publishing. I will definitely have a look at that a bit later on. Thanks again, and I wish you a very Happy Christmas and a good New Year to follow.

    2. I cannot know what you went through, but even though your in person therapy may come to an end, as you said in your poem, you thank others for their support. Alone does not have to mean isolated. One can be physically by themselves, and still find support in others.

      I lost my mom in 17 as I may have already told you. It was 2 and a half months of deep deep darkness without her, and I didn’t know if I could go on. But my friend who lived halfway across the country, whom I could not see face to face in person, he saved me from that despair.

      Your words mean so much to so many. And there will be people whom even you will never meet who will find strength in your words too. Darkness is nothing you ever burry but only cope with. And you can get to some point where it is manageable where happiness can brighten your days. Don’t expect yourself to be perfect or happy all the time or super human. Just be you. And never be afraid to talk about your feelings.

    1. Thank you so much, Aaysid. That’s so kind of you to say. I’m thinking about writing her a letter to go with the poem to say thank you and tell her how much I have learned while working with her. I really want her to know that, although it’s been a struggle dealing with my trauma, she has made a difference. Thanks very much for your hugs and prayers, my friend. Hugs for you, too Xx 💜

  8. Beautiful note to your therapist! Note: even when we start over, it’s never from the same point we were before!

  9. What a beautiful tribute to your time together. Your therapist helped you open the door to healing. Keep the door open. Don’t stop working out the pain. Weave it into the words you write. Continue to reach out here for support. We are all watching you and rooting you on. Big hugs.

    1. Thank you for understanding how I am feeling, Scarlett. Most of my friends understand how tough this is, although one of two think I’m making a fuss and should be less dependent on my therapist. Thank you for the much-appreciated hugs, too. Xx 🤗🌼💖

      1. Starting over is so hard, they can’t begin to imagine. Plus finding someone that we feel comfortable telling everything about us. This is the second therapist I’m having and I may have to change again, I am so particular about people. Nothing against her, I just don’t know.

      2. I understand how frightening it is to change to another therapist we don’t know anything about, and they don’t know anything about us. Do we start all over again at the beginning, or carry on where we left off with our first therapist? I do hope you don’t have to change your therapist again quite yet, although it’s hard to change at any time. I’m very sensitive and particular about people I can trust, too. I don’t know if it’s about having BPD, but that certainly increases our negative feelings about loss and abandonment. Although I’ve used the term ‘we,’ I’m really referring to myself – you might feel differently, which I can respect and understand. Take care of yourself and keep in touch if you’d like. Love Ellie Xx 💜🌷💛

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s