Dear Unknown Counsellor

Many of you will know that my counselling with Chris is ending on the 4th of January, which I’m terrified about. I would normally be there this afternoon and again next week, but the counselling agency is, understandably, closed for two weeks for the Christmas holidays and New Year. The best way I can cope with the absence of my session today is to write, so I thought I’d write a simple poem for my new, as yet unknown counsellor.


Dear Unknown Counsellor,

I’m devastated and so upset
to be away from Chris
I’ve fallen into the darkness
and straight into the abyss

I’ve no idea when I’ll meet you
Apparently, there’s a queue
Otherwise known as a waiting list
How long? I wish I knew

I do hope that we’ll get on
and in you, I’ll learn to trust
I hope you’ll understand my truths
and not view me with disgust

I write a lot of poetry
and dabble with some ‘art’
It’s just how I express myself
pouring out the whole of my heart

I have a problem with anger
I can’t get it off my chest
I can’t scream into a pillow
although I’ve tried my best

I hope I get to meet you soon
I’m scared out here all alone
I’ve been so lucky to have Chris
and the care that she has shown

*Please take away the ticking
of the therapy room’s clock
It reminds me of the horror room
and the door with the bolted lock

My heart is already broken in two
I have one more week; then, the end
I hope my words are acceptable
and these thoughts that I have penned

Where do I begin with you?
Do I have to start over again?
I think I could talk forever
dispelling this huge weight of pain.

* See previous poem The Passage of Time

(Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash)

43 thoughts on “Dear Unknown Counsellor

    1. Thank you, Carol anne. I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait for a new counsellor. It’s more likely to be months as opposed to weeks, though. I feel like I won’t get through it, but know that I have to. I have no choice.

      Thank you for your invitation to view your blog. I have sent you a request as you suggested. Many thanks. Xx 💗

  1. I think writing letters (and poems) to your new, unknown counselor is a brilliant idea. This is a great opportunity to capture your feelings as they evolve over time. I recently had a pretty big ‘crash-and-burn’ with a new therapist. He was a jerk for sure, but with a few months to reflect on it, I realize I went in trying to start up where I left off with my old therapist. This guy didn’t have any of the background. I don’t know if new, future therapist would take the time to read what you wrote, but it would be helpful if they did. Regardless, writing it out will undoubtedly help you understand your story better. Find ways to distract yourself over the next few days. It will be boxing day in no time. Books, TV, “walks” outside (although I’ve read it’s really freaking cold there). All my best.

    1. Thank you for your helpful comment, Jeff. I told Chris I’d like to leave a letter/poem for my new counsellor when I get one; she thought this was a good idea. Otherwise, it’s a bit like trying to fill the gap left by Chris with a new person who is likely to be totally different in character and the way she works. I have requested a female counsellor for obvious reasons. Chris said that’s no problem. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you with your then-new therapist. Thanks for sharing that experience, as I will bear it in mind when I finally get given someone new. It does always help me to write – gets my feelings from the inside where they fester and out into the open.

      Tonight, I’m going to circle drumming with a group of XR friends. It’ll be good to use some energy up in a physical way. I’ve only been once before, but I enjoyed it last time. After today, I don’t think I’m going out again until after Christmas. I will, no doubt, write some more, especially on the ‘big’ day itself if the inspiration strikes. It’s milder this week, thank goodness. It was freezing last week with snow and black ice. The nighttime temperatures got down to -9C a few nights running! Today, it’s been around 6C, dropping to 3C tonight. Not too bad.

  2. Never question “your wotds” as to their acceptability, Ellie. Your words tell your story your way. For anyone, counsellor or not, to suggest the way you speak or the words you use are anything but acceptable is a sign that they care more about themselves than you.
    On’t try to be anyone but you, that would not be doing anyone any favours.
    Happy holidays to you. 💜💚💛💙💚💛💜💙

    1. Thanks, J. I appreciate your good advice. You are quite right; apart from which, I can’t be anyone else even if I tried. I’m just me as I am. I can’t possibly be anyone else. Hope the holidays are good for you, too. Xx 💗🎄💗🎅💗🎄💗

      1. We don’t do holidays, as I might have told you before. Every day is a good day to do something nice for everyone and anyone.

      2. Now that I can get behind!
        We all know not every day can be good, but if we accept bad days as more or less inevitable, and remember there will be good days, the bad days don’t have the same effect.
        Learning this is not easy, because when we are in the moment we tend to think catastrophically (Oh, I’ll never get through this!) and we forget to think ahead.
        The funny thing is, the more you look for the bad days, the more bad days you will have. But that works the other way too — if you look for the good days they will come, and you will have more of them too.
        Create a world where good days can come, and bad days won’t seem as bad.

    1. Yes, I have mentioned it to her recently and she thought it would be good to write a letter, which I’ve done. The poem, tonight, was just an addition to that. I’m sure it would be very helpful to me and also to my new counsellor when the time comes. Thanks for the suggestion, Penny. Xx 💗

  3. I hope you save this and show it to your new counselor! I think it will give him/her an insight into your pain that could kick start the therapy. It is also a good way for your to process your emotions during this difficult time of transition. Praying this all works out for you, sweet Ellie!!

    1. That’s such a lovely message, Ann. Thank you so much. I will definitely give it to my new counsellor when I’m allocated one. Writing always helps me to process my feelings. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Xx 💕

    1. Thank you very much, Devang. I do find it healing to write. I’m sorry I haven’t read your long post about Amla – I’ve been so busy with getting ready for Christmas that I’m all behind with reading blogs. I will try and catch up with it after the holidays. Hope you are well. X 🎄

    1. Thanks so much, Frank, for your kind words. It does help me to write and I do hope my words will reach out and, perhaps, make others feel less alone. Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

  4. My heart is really with you right now. I am on a three week break and Ive struggled too which is not even half of what you are going through right now.. If you ever need to vent some of that anger please email me (deborahallin@hotmail.com).. We need to get it off our chest somehow…. that said even though you might not feel it you are strong and your writing will bring you through.. sending you lots of love light and encouragement. and praying a new counsellor shows up for you too. ❤

    1. Dear Deborah, Thank you so much for such a kind and heartfelt comment. I’m sorry you’ve had to have a three-week break from your counselling, too. I have no counselling again tomorrow, but my very last session is on the 4th of January. I’m absolutely dreading saying goodbye forever. I’m so scared about having to let go of someone so important to me. It’s really so lovely of you to share your email address with me in case I need to chat. I appreciate that so much and what A kind thing to do. Thank you for all your love and encouragement and for praying for a new counsellor before too long, also. I hope you don’t have to wait too long for your next appointment to see your counsellor. Much love Xx 💕

      1. Thank you for your kind words, Deborah. Don’t worry about not replying earlier – I know how difficult it is to keep up everyone else’s blogs. I hope you are well. Xx 💕

  5. I pray you find a new counselor and when you hand them this poem they see you clearly. I hope you find instant connection with them and feel safe. You deserve happiness and peace, Ellie.

    1. Thank you, Bridgette. C. suggested writing down some things that I want my new therapist to know about me, which I’ve done. But, I wanted to write the poem from my heart, too. I’m going to write a letter to C. go with the poem. Xx 🌼💕

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