An Alternate New Year’s Day

I know it’s New Year, and much joy abounds
but I’m full of despair, and it’s really profound
I’m trying to enter into the spirit of things
but I know this week is carrying the sting

Last night, bells rang, and glasses were clinked
I sat here alone, and all I could think
was the fear inside of me is here to stay
It filled me with utter and complete dismay

At Christmas time, I had my family here
and just for a while, it allayed all my fears
The children were great; I was thankful to see
Then, darkness descended, crippling me

I’m trying to hang on to a morsel of hope
when the whole of me is fighting to cope
I feel like my world will collapse forever
as my therapy ends; our relationship severed

I’ve written a letter to say thank you so much
I’m longing for a hug or a gentle touch
I know it’s unlikely; it’s not meant to be
Boundaries are there for Chris* and for me

I’m dreading Wednesday coming this week
I can’t see a future, not even a peek
My body is shaking; my head full of fear
The feeling of grief rises up to appear.


* Chris is my therapist/counsellor (until Wednesday)




NOTE: Forgive me a while if I can’t read your writing
I love you all, but I’m tired of the fighting
.

(Photo by Danil Aksenov on Unsplash)

56 thoughts on “An Alternate New Year’s Day

  1. Oh, Ellie. *HUGS* Just take care of you, we’ll all be here and we understand. I know this isn’t an easy time for you, but please hang in there. It has to get better, it just has to damnit! I love you, Ellie. You’re in my thoughts daily. Sending you hope, strength and love. ❤️💐❤️‍🩹

    1. Oh, thank you so much, Jenn. I appreciate your understanding more than you can imagine. This week is probably going to be one of the toughest week of the year and I’m finding it difficult to cope. Like you, I really do hope something good comes along, but I just feel so low right now that I can’t see it happening at all. Thank you so much, my friend, for keeping me in your thoughts and for your love, hope and strength. I don’t know if I’ll write anything more before Wednesday, but I will update you and my other blogging friends as soon as I can get my head together again. Love you, Jenn Xx 💖🌷💞

  2. Did you fall in love with your therapist? Did I misread this? Are you doing okay? If you need to talk, you can message me! I have read some of your poems throughout this year, but I admit, I may have missed a few posts. I hope today gets a little better for you. Sending virtual hugs and care ☀️💙☀️💗

    1. Hello, Silent Singer. Thank you for caring and for leaving me this comment. On re-reading my poem, I see how it could be thought I was in love with my therapist. However, it’s not that – just that I’ve had a previous abusive relationship with a therapist (for eight years), but my current therapist, Chris (female), has been excellent. She knows about my previous experience, so our sessions have had firm boundaries, which I’ve respected and appreciated. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to talk to her about ‘everything’ – things I have never shared with anyone before. I’ve come a long way with her counselling, but my sessions are ending earlier than expected or planned for personal reasons (Chris’s, not mine).

      Currently, I’m on a waiting list to see someone else, but I have been told the wait is likely to be months rather than weeks. It seems like an eternity to be alone with my past and current issues and not have any support. Having said that, My WordPress friends and readers have been amazingly supportive as I’ve shared my feelings. I really don’t know where I’d be without them (you) all. Thank you so much for offering to chat and for your much-appreciated hugs and care. That means a lot to me. I hope you are okay and that you have a very happy New Year. Ellie Xx 💜🌼💙

    2. P.S. SIlent Singer, I tried to look for your blog, but when I click on your name or your avatar, it just brings me to a page that has your avatar image on it but no website details. Perhaps, you could be kind enough to send me a link here (as a comment or reply) so that I can pop over and see what you write about, too. Thank you. Xx 💚

      1. I need to figure out how to do renew the domain and transfer it to the correct one! Sorry about that! Thank you for following 😊

      2. I’ve tried searching for you on Google and WordPress Reader, but I am coming up with ‘this site doesn’t exist’ or words to that effect. Perhaps, when you’ve renewed your domain or worked out how to share your website details, you could come back to me and leave me some details of how I can visit your blog. Thank you. I hope you manage to sort it out as I’d like to visit. Take care. X

      3. Okay, I renewed it. It’s cantantecallada.com. Thank you for letting me know about this. I didn’t realize my site was not routing correctly ❤️

      4. Thank you for letting me know. I will pop over to your blog when I have more time tomorrow. I look forward to it. I’m glad you’ve got your website sorted out. Xx 💕

  3. Sometimes there is nothing to fear except fear itself. Hang in Ellie don’t blow this bigger in your mind than it is: a first get to know you meeting. This will be a new relationship; it will unfold in its own time. The new person won’t be an extension of the old person, any more than you are merely the extension of the version of you who started therapy. You will be getting to know the new Ellie, as she navigates this new experience. In the meanwhile, maybe do some yoga or meditation?

    1. Thank you so much, Tamara. I appreciate and value your words and your comment. I think it’s partly knowing there’s going to be such a long wait to see someone new that’s worrying me. It feels like being stranded after an airplane crash (that probably sounds a bit extreme, but that’s how I feel). I don’t cope very well with endings at the best of times and have had a lot of very unpleasant and painful endings in my life (both as an adult and a child). I think it’s also not helped by the anniversary of my Mum’s death being only a couple of days ago. I never grieved for her – I just went into freeze mode, which is the way I find to deal with such painful things. I fear that once my counselling comes to an end, the same thing will happen and it’ll be stuck inside me forever and I’ll never be able to deal with all my feelings again. I’ve learnt a lot through Chris and have built up a very safe and trusting relationship – I just can’t imagine having that with anybody else. I know I should wait and see as I may be wrong, but at the moment, it all feels very overwhelming. I’m unable to do yoga because of my disability, although I’ve thought about seeking out some seated yoga in the past, but I will try to do some meditation, which is something I’m more familiar with. Thank you again, as always, Tamara, for your wise and helpful advice. Xx 💗

      1. Ellie, worry not, you will be able to keep making progess! Your last counselor imparted far more life coping skills and healing skills than you realized.

        I also learned the importance of not dragging past traumas forward due to a history of being hurt. By mindfully releasing those past experiences we can practice simply staying in the moment and taking a look at what is actually there instead of our fears and anxieties continuing to color the present landscape.

        As you change, the people who look for victims will pass you over, because you are becoming a person who won’t put up with that garbage. Keep working on your breathing, and work on keeping a meditative state of mind. Peace to you!

  4. Focus on what’s working or what you can change, that’s a big step and will lighten the load. I know it’s hard as hell but you’re strong and determined. Make a plan, how/what you what for this year and how will you get it. Taking your mind off the bad will also make you feel better mentally and physically. Happy New Year!

    1. Thank you very much for your advice and ideas, Melinda. People often say I’ve got a lot of determination, although I can’t always see it. I will try to make a plan of some sort – if it takes my mind off my fears, it will be worth it. At the moment, I can’t see further than Wednesday, but I guess something will have to change when that day is over. As Tamara said above, I won’t be the same person who started on this journey. I just don’t know who I’ll be yet. I’ll have to wait and see. There are, as you say, things that are working in my life, such as my relationship with my children being better than it has been in the past. My daughter is going through a tough time at the moment and needs me to be there for her a lot. And I am – I don’t share my deepest thoughts and worries with her as I feel she has enough to cope with as it is without worrying about me. Thanks for caring. Happy New Year to you, too. Xx 🌼💕

    1. Hi, Andy. Please, accept my apologies for not replying earlier. I was just checking for spam comments and found your comment and one other in there. Thank you for your kind words – I, too, am hoping for a better 2023. I hope you had a good Christmas and I wish you a belated Happy New Year. 😊

    1. Dear Cindy, I must apologise for my late reply to you. I was just checking my spam comments and came across your kind words – thank you so much for reading my post, your blessings, and your care. I hope you had a good Christmas, and I wish you a belated Happy New Year. Xx 🌷💕

  5. As you already know, I put a lot of stock in advice from my wife. When I dwell on a negative topic in my writing, she tells me to break out and write about something else. Some times I do, some times I don’t but when I do, I’m never sorry that I did. Something to think about. Maybe just describe the scene outside your window.

    Personally, I’m thankful the holidays are over. I’m ready to get back to ‘regular’ life. Now I’m just counting the days until the weather warms up. Be well.

    1. Thanks so much for your comment, Jeff. It’s good that Susan gives you a prompt to do this. I don’t know whether I’ll write anything again before Wednesday – I know I write depressing posts and am so grateful to have the support and love from my blogging friends, as I share very little of my thoughts with those in my ‘real’ life other than one friend, who I value tremendously. I will give writing about something more cheerful or interesting a go, perhaps, once I’ve got Wednesday over as I really don’t know how I’ll be till after then.

      I’m very glad the holidays are over, too. It’ll be lovely when we can see the first signs of Spring.

      I do hope you, Susan and Al are coping as best you can with your recent loss. Thinking of you all. X

      1. And sorry if my ‘advice’ just becomes annoying. Feel free to ignore me at all junctures. We had Al over for dinner last night. He’s doing well, I think. He’s looking towards the future with a positive attitude, which I think is good.

      2. Please, don’t think your advice is annoying to me at all. Quite the opposite. I always welcome other readers and blogging friends’ advice and support. I am always pleased to hear from you.

        I’m so glad Al is doing well and able to look forward to a future positively. It is a good thing to do. Take care and give my love to Susan (although I know she doesn’t know me). I just feel for her having lost my own Mum so near to Christmas.

  6. Ellie, you need to find a way to rely on yourself. I know the strength is there, but you seem to keep avoiding it. Get a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle. On the right side write down your strengths. On the left side write down your fears. You know your fears, but do you really know your strengths. Take your time, think carefully. And be honest. You are better than you know!

    1. Thank you, J. Many people say that I’m strong and determined. I know I’m determined as I’ve had to be in my life. I also know that I’ve overcome other difficulties in the last few months. I’ve worked intensely with Chris, my therapist, during those months. I’ve learned a lot, but I feel the awful fear and panic right now, facing the loss of someone I can really open up with and confide in. I just can’t seem to accept that I’m going to lose her. I don’t think it’s helping that the date is close to when I lost my Mum, and I’ve never grieved her for her. I will try what you have suggested – thank you for having faith in me when I have very little in myself. I have had a lot of really bad endings in my life, so don’t do well with endings in general. 💜💚💙

      1. If this is not going too far on my part, fear comes from uncertainty. Your rapist took away your ability to control yourself. Your work with Chris has reopened that door. Convince yourself you are in control, even if you do not feel like you are. “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT REAL!” If you have to. It works. And I know you can take back control. You are not a little girl anymore, and nothing that was done to you then can hurt you now, unless you allow it. Don’t allow it. Show yourself who is boss!

      2. I know you make a lot of sense, J. You are right in that my rapist took away any control I had and that is very raw at the moment. The work I’ve been doing with Chris has triggered off a lot of previously dormant memories. Another of my readers uses a term very similar to ‘fake it till you make it’. I know that can work and it helps. My fear of my therapy ending tomorrow is acute today, understandably. I wanted to reply to another helpful comment that you left me earlier in the week, but need to take my time and write with a much clearer head. I honestly do appreciate your advice and support. You’ve known me for a while now, and I want you to know that I value our blogging relationship.

        I wrote something totally different today. It was something I was writing quite some time ago, but never finished. It seemed appropriate for my current personal circumstances. I just wanted to assure you, although it says ‘let me live or die’, I’ve no intention of the latter. Hope you are having a good day today. X 💜💛💚💗💙🤍🤎

      3. Still lying in bed after noon, catching up on my WP friends. Gail just texted me and asked if I am getting up today? 😇 I told her soon.

  7. I wish I could ball all your sadness up and throw it in the garbage or way out into the ocean where it would sink to the very, very bottom or be swallowed up by a giant whale. I’m sending you lots of love, Ellie. Keep trying. Keep hope. The world needs your light.

    1. Thank you so much, Bridgette. You say the most comforting and reassuring things. I love the idea of my garbage flowing out to sea and being eaten by a whale. I will remember your words here when I’m having a bad day. Thank you very much for being so encouraging, too. Much love to you Xx 💓🌼💕

    1. Thanks, Devang. I really appreciate your comment and your kindness. Don’t worry about commenting late – I know how difficult it is to keep up with everyone else’s posts when you follow a lot of people. I’m still way behind. I need some quiet time to catch up with everyone, but always seem to be so busy these days.

      1. Actually, I have notifications on for your latest blogs.
        I generally read them post haste, but then when there are other notifications, I miss the ones that are important. But, somewhere in mind, I remember that I’ve seen a notification from your side 😅

    1. Thank you, Selma. Chris (female) was a wonderful counsellor. There is still a very long waiting list to see anyone else. I’m trying to be positive and patient. Thank you for your blessings, my friend. That means a lot to me. Hugs Xx 🌼💖

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