My Past Experience of Anorexia


This account is purely about my own experience of anorexia. This disease affects all sexes, not just women. It can also affect people of any age group. In my case, I was in my forties when it began. Treatment these days may well be different; I don’t know. If you are struggling with an eating disorder or suspect you may be, please seek help from your doctor or any of the helpline numbers given at the end of this post.

Anorexia isn’t about the food; it’s about control. I wanted to control my life but thought if I could control my body and weight, I’d start to feel better. How wrong I was.

It started with me cutting out fats and carbs like many people on diets. I began to lose weight and felt like I was achieving something. As I lost weight, I still wasn’t satisfied, though, convincing myself I was overweight and needed to lose just a few more pounds. I lost more weight, but I still wasn’t content. I began to develop rituals around food, such as cutting food up into tiny pieces to make them last longer or seem more and, weighing everything I ate, then totting up the calories. I stopped drinking coffee with milk and drank only black coffee and Diet Coke. Still not satisfied; eating salad wasn’t enough to control my habit. I began to weigh the lettuce, water well shaken out of it, and work out the calories in three thin slices of cucumber. The weight started to drop off me, but I couldn’t see how ill I was.

I need to make it clear that anorexia is not a choice, a fad, or a diet; it’s an extremely serious and dangerous illness, which is nearly always caused by significant trauma in childhood, as was the case with me.

More rituals developed, and the weight loss continued. I’m not going to go on to describe all those habits and routines because I DO NOT want this to read like an ‘instruction manual’ for anorexia. Suffice it to say; I ended up in the local psychiatric hospital on the eating disorders ward at a very dangerously thin weight of five and a half stone! I was confined to bed and only allowed to use the bathroom with a staff member present. It was so embarrassing.

My first meal there was presented to me two hours after I’d arrived. It was, to my horror, vegetable curry and rice followed by bread-and-butter pudding and two scoops of ice cream. It wasn’t a small portion, either. I don’t think I’d ever felt that sense of panic before. A nurse sat with me and insisted I ate every stone-cold mouthful. I cried, I sobbed, and I begged, all to no avail. I was made to eat all that food despite having terrible pain in my stomach. It seemed barbaric to me. It took me nearly three hours to force the food down. Other than that, they threatened to tube-feed me, and with my phobia of choking, I couldn’t bear the thought of that.

The eating disorders ward had strict rules. Everything was done on a reward and punishment basis. To begin with, I wasn’t allowed phone calls or visitors, not even my family, and I wasn’t allowed out of my room. Weeks passed, and as I gained weight, albeit reluctantly, I was ‘rewarded’ with a phone call to my daughter, then my son and my Mum. They were all worried sick about me and dreadfully upset that I was going through all of this at the same time, realising I was very ill and needed help. There was no way of ‘cheating,’ although some of the people there tried. We would have lost a reward if we lost weight, which was impossible with every mouthful being supervised. It was such a thoroughly miserable time. At the time, I thought it was tortuous; it certainly felt like it.

However, there are only three ways out of anorexia in my mind. One is to get better despite it being painfully hard work (but well worth it); the other is that you spend your life battling with your illness for, possibly, the rest of your years (and believe me, that’s pretty awful), or you die!! It’s as simple as that!

I began to make good progress and started to feel better physically. I was allowed to eat in the dining room with the other inpatients on our ward; I could go to activities and learn about the basic psychology of eating disorders. We were taught about CBT therapy and offered other forms of treatment once our minds had started to recover from the starvation. We were basically given another chance at life, and I was grateful for that.

Finally, after being in hospital for six whole months, I was allowed day leave, and then weekend leave etc. Eventually, I was allowed home but had to attend the day hospital every day.

I don’t think you are ever really ‘cured’ from an eating disorder, but for me, it’s like being in remission, and I never take my life or health for granted. Anorexia is an addiction as well as an illness. Like any addiction, you have to consider yourself in permanent recovery. Now, at the age of 65, I’m making the most of my time and intend to live the rest of my life without harming myself in this way. I’m happy in my life with two adult children and four gorgeous grandchildren. If anyone is reading this and recognises themselves in what I have written, please, please, seek help.




(Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash)

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊

60 thoughts on “My Past Experience of Anorexia”

  1. I relate to having Anorexia and Bulimia, but I never entered a treatment program.

    For me too it was about trying to control an out-of-control situation, where my husband was a cocaine addict and alcoholic. The more weight he lost due to his cocaine addiction, the more he thought I was fat, even though I was steadily losing weight along side of him. When my Gyno told me I was severely underweight and she wanted to send me to a dietician, it clicked in my head that I had a much bigger problem than what I was admitting to myself, and what my husband knew when he was pinching my ass and telling me I was fat. She gave me the power to stand up to him and say, “Well actually…”

    My personal road to recovery was difficult, as is everyone who struggles with this disease, for we lack self-worth so completely we find our power in controlling our food. When I taught myself to like myself, I saw I was recovering in other areas of my life too.

    1. I’m really sorry you’ve been through all this, Tamara. I remember you mentioning your husband doing that before. How cruel of him, although I appreciate he was on cocaine and I wonder if he was with it enough to know what he was doing. Whether he did or not is no excuse for what he said to you or how he behaved towards you. I’m so glad you were able to get free of him, and to begin to recover. It’s never an easy road recovering from an eating disorder. I was sent to a dietician at the time, too, but I was so ill, I was terrified of taking up her suggestions and just continued to get worse. It took a long time before I could accept how ill I was, and then a long, long time to get better. I’m glad you were able to recover in other aspects of your life. I hoped, by writing this, it might help someone else to realise they’re not alone, to be encouraged, seek help and to begin to get better. Thanks as always for your constant understanding. I’m so glad to have you and your wisdom in my life. Xx 💐💕

      1. Those were dark days and I’m grateful to have come out of them intact and that I pulled the life lessons out so I could grow and learn to flourish. I now see that a lot of his thought patterns were heavily influenced by his addictions. That doesn’t excuse him from responsibility, it helps me to understand the why’s. Same with my mother, understanding her why’s helps me to release the inner angst of why she could be that way. I’m glad that you have found your way to become healthy!

        1. I’m very glad you came out of your dark times, too, Tamara. I’m glad I have, too. It’s good that you can see the whys behind how you were treated. I find forgiveness quite hard, certainly with my abuser and my father, and also ‘that’ therapist, although I am gradually learning to let that go as it’s doing me more harm than it’s doing them. My father and my abuser are no longer here, or at least, my father isn’t. For all I know, my abuser may well be living a happy elderly life out in Trinidad, which is where he ran off to when he got caught. With that therapist, I’m working hard on my anger towards her, as, again, it’s doing me more harm than it’s doing her. After all, she’s probably totally oblivious to the fact that she caused me so much damage. I worked on giving up some of the anger towards these people in my last course of therapy. I’m getting there, at least.

          I’m thankful that you are in a better place for selfish reasons, too, as I feel that without your teaching through your books and helpful comments, I wouldn’t have begun to heal so quickly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💓💐😊.

          1. I’m so happy that my poison has been turned into medicine for others and for you. This is something that helps me release even more the deepest sadness and resentments.

            Some say this is what forgiveness is, a letting go of the pain so that it no longer burns and consumes us.

            I do not excuse my mother, she is still responsible for her actions, but being able to understand the forces that made her help me to stop the inner twisting inside. I was able to slowly release that over time. I cannot see myself being friends with her, that’s not possible since I know who she is and I don’t respect the choices she made to treat people around her like shit because of what she went through and then still uses as an excuse. She hasn’t changed, nor does she seem to be trying. My brother still Hass to limit his time with her when he does a wellness check a few times a year.

            I did not send her a birthday card even this year, for I do not wish to celebrate her birthday when she still holds resentments against my 35 year old daughter from when she was 8, and danced behind her grandmother while they were both using the full length mirror. My mother was paranoid and declared my daughter was trying to attack her, when they were 6 feet apart. My mother still hasn’t forgiven my daughter for that, nor will she admit she made a mistake. As a result she doesn’t acknowledge my daughter as her granddaughter, nor my daughters kids as her grandkids. I wrote a letter to her explaining this, and she has made no move to correct this, so I keep my distance from a woman who holds onto poison and distances herself from her own family.

            Forgiveness isn’t about opening ourselves to be doormats and let people walk over our hearts, it simply let’s us release the pain they inflicted so we don’t keep getting hurt. Forgiveness is something that is mindfully worked on for past behaviors, but it isn’t an all encompassing blanket that covers every new behavior for those will require more inner work.

            I have learned to look at a person’s actions to see if they have indeed changed, for their words can be beguiling and deceptive, they will say what they think we need to hear, to bring us back in. If their actions do not match up with their words, we need to pay attention to the actions for they show the true heart of the person.

            My mother has written me pretty cards, but her actions haven’t changed, so if I get drawn in she will revert back to her old self, just as she does with my brother, on the second day of his visit.

            I’ve shared a lot here, to try to reassure you that you do not need to feel you need to push past the past in the name of forgiveness to try to create something between you and your abusers that may never be possible.

            You’re doing awesomely well in your inner work. You have been reclaiming your own sovereignty and no longer mentally being beaten down, you have lifted yourself back up to walk once more. This is great progress, and I applaud you!

    1. Thank you, Grace. When writing this, I hoped it might touch someone who is struggling with this disease, which is why I added helplines at the bottom of my post. I would like to think I might have made someone feel less alone with this serious illness. Yes, I am glad to be in a better place now, too. Xx 💖.

  2.  nbsp;nbsp; Destructive coping mechanisms are hard to understand. Defense mechanisms in general are very mysterious to me because they try to find symbolic or metaphorical fantasy solutions to everything and it only temporarily reduces anxiety. I can’t seem get a handle on how this works. I’m thinking it’s maybe something like this: trauma –> anxiety|out-of-control –> false or fantasy control/ habits and rituals–> anxiety builds again (underling trauma still present and still pushing up).
     nbsp;nbsp; I don’t know. I suppose there are different levels of fantasy coping. Some become destruction and some don’t. I child can play act and pretend to be a lion and make a roaring sound. He feels good being powerful. So practicing fantasy roles can be OK, and the child may some day grow up to be actually powerful.
     nbsp;nbsp; I don’t know how one constructs a positive coping mechanism. A person with a talent has a built in way of expressing themselves but not everyone is talented. A creative person can be admired for their creations, but not everyone is creative, or their creations fail.
     nbsp;nbsp; Now what? I don’t know. It’s all still very mysterious to me.

    1.     oops. typo. I forgot to put in an ampersand (&) to make the indents — it should have been and invisible command for a “space”
          I don’t know how I got to be so careless. I think this will work now.

      1. Don’t worry, Doug. I didn’t even realise this was an option in typing. It’s not really careless in my eyes, just an easy slip up to make. I will now read your other comment on this post of mine. Thank you for explaining, though.

    2. Thank you, Doug, for your interesting and thought-provoking response to my post. I appreciate you taking the time to consider and write it. I think you are pretty accurate in your thoughts about coping mechanisms; I hadn’t thought of it being a fantasy role. You are undoubtedly right about trauma taking away one’s control and sense of being. It’s taken me a long time to recover and to find positive coping mechanisms, but I’m so glad I have done so. I had a lot of therapy, some good, some bad, and some really awful, with one particular therapist who broke all the professional boundaries while supposedly helping me to recover. That’s another story, although I wrote about that experience in previous posts some time ago. Eating disorders are incredibly complicated and take a long time to recover from. Some people never recover at all, meaning that they live in a permanent state of being ill all their lives and continue to feel traumatised. I had to work very hard to recover from this wicked disease.

      I don’t know what I would do without my writing. My words come from my heart and soul – that’s the only way I know how to write, apart from the very occasional piece of fiction, and even that is often based on truth. We can’t ever know what happens in another person’s mind, even if we have similar conditions and backgrounds. Different people cope with childhood trauma differently. There is no one way to recover; it requires a lot of dedication and hard work. It took me years to get better, but now, I am so glad to be free of it all and to be on a much healthier route through my life. Thanks for your thoughtful comments, Doug. They are much appreciated.

  3. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story, Ellie. It is a moving story and one that I hope helps educate people about anorexia as well as help people who may be struggling with it find the help they need. ❤

    1. Thank you very much for your kind words, Layla. When I wrote it, I had other people in mind and my thoughts were to help other people seek help for this dreadful disease. I really hope I was able to reach out to even one person to give them hope that there is recovery after anorexia. Thank you for your thoughts, too. Xx 💙

  4. Breaks my heart to think of you so unwell, Ellie. You are so brave to have gotten better and I’m so very proud of you and SOOO GLAD you’re still here. Keep fighting. Keep shining that bright light of yours – it’s so beautiful to see xx

    1. Thank you so much, Janet, for such kind words about me. It took me years to recover and I am so glad not to be on that destructive route anymore. I continue to be aware of myself as I know how easy it is to slip back into this illness. Thank goodness I am free of it now. I hope it will stay that way forever. I know I am never going to let myself get that low and embroiled in such a dangerous condition. I nearly lost my life and can’t emphasise enough how important it is for people who are struggling with this to get help. I will continue to fight for the rest of my life. I don’t drop my guard, but I don’t have those destructive thoughts and behaviours these days. I am so grateful for that. Thanks so much again, my friend. Xxx 💖🌼💝

  5. Thank you for sharing. It is important for people to understand that many eating disorders are connected to childhood trauma. UT is very brave of you to share such personal details of your life.
    I admire the strength it took to rebuild your body and your mind. Take good care of yourself, Ellie. Xx

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement and understanding, Allie. This wasn’t that easy to write, but I’d hoped it might touch someone who was struggling with this, which is why I included the helplines. I’ve spent much of my life dealing with my traumas in therapy. It hasn’t been easy but it was necessary for me to recover. It did take a lot of hard work and perseverance to get better. I’m thankful for all the people and places that helped me get to where I am now. I am much kinder to myself these days, although, naturally, I still get tough and difficult days, but not usually connected to my eating. It hasn’t been easy to learn to look after myself all over again, but I got there in the end. Xx 💖

  6. Like all mental illnesses, this needs to be talked about to bring awareness. It’s an area I know nothing about. I know it’s hard for you to share this info, but it’s necessary. At the bottom of your post, wordpress recommended two other anorexia posts. I like the idea of someone down a rabbit hole trying to figure out if they have a problem and finding your post. You will be helping people far into the future.

    Now stone. What’s the deal with that. I just learned 1 stone is 14 pounds. That’s a ridiculous unit of measurement. Do scales in the UK actually show stone calculations, or are they in pounds and you need to divide by 14?

    1. Thanks very much, Jeff, for your helpful words and appreciation. When I wrote it, which wasn’t easy, I hoped it might touch someone who was struggling with this cruel and dangerous condition, which is why I included some helplines at the end. I don’t get to see any of my other, older posts at the bottom of my recent work. Are you looking on your phone or your laptop? Stones and pounds, lol. I hadn’t thought about putting my weight at that time into pounds or kilograms. I’ve got no idea of either. I’d have to google it. Our scales usually show stones and pounds, although you can set most scales to kg, too. I haven’t got a clue what I weigh in kgs. That’s all alien to me 😊.

    1. Thank you, Tallisman. I was very fortunate to come about of it all relatively positively, not that I take it for granted. I hoped, by writing this, it might help readers to identify, even if it’s only one person. It was really to show that there is a way out and there is life after anorexia, albeit with some hard work and awareness.

    1. Thanks, J. It was difficult to write, but it no longer feels like a burden as, although I have to be aware of the fact that I am in recovery or remission, I feel totally free of it all now. Not that I take that for granted. I learned a lot during that time and it was about 20 years ago. I’ve been okay since then. 💙💜💙

      1. I know you are okay now. How else could you write about this struggle, this FIGHT!
        I have spent my life overcoming addictions, learning over the years to recognize addictive behaviour BEFORE it becomes an addiction.
        I was lucky in that I never let an addiction destroy me, though I came close several times. It would be so easy to just slip under the infmluence of some thing or some one and give up all responsibility for my self and my life. I just have such a strong sense of who I am and what I am willing to give up, or not give up, that I somehow manage to save myself at the last minute.
        Please do not take this as a condemnation of anyone who does give in to something or someone, because that is not my intent saying this. This just allows me to understand addictions or self-harming behaviours, and to appreciate how hard it is to pull oneself up out the “rock bottoms” it is so easy to find oneself in.
        And you are right that it “is nearly always caused by significant trauma in childhood” as well as your three most possible endings. I could not have said that better myself.
        But at the same time I would like people to know it is possible to avoid full-blown addictions if they can learn to recognize the early signs of coming tragedy. But I am not sure I can say what those signs are. For me they are feelings that trigger a defensive response.
        And now I will just shut up.

    1. Thank you so much for these words, Mick. I appreciate them very much. I am feeling lots better these days and can write about my experiences without getting too embroiled in the past emotions connected to them. It’s in the past now, but I need to be aware of the risk of getting ill again. Anyway, this all happened at an extremely difficult time in my life, and I’m so grateful not to be there in that place now. Even compared to last December/January, when I was really down and traumatised, I feel so much better. I’m even debating whether to return to therapy when offered a place, as I’m wary of going down that rabbit hole again. Thanks again, Mick. As my longest known reader, I so appreciate you being in my life 😊.

      1. You’re welcome, as always, Ellie. Only you can decide whether you need to return to therapy when the time comes, but I wonder if just knowing it would be available if needed might be a powerful thing in itself.

        1. Thanks, Mick. That’s a good point. As I’m still on the waiting list, I will wait until a place becomes available and then make a decision based on how I feel then. The only problem will be if I turn down a place and then change my mind, I will have to return to the end of the queue again. I will wait and see.

    1. Thank you, Penny. I hoped, when I wrote this piece,, that it might touch someone else who may be going through this disease to seek help and to feel less alone in this dangerous illness. It was a tough time back then, but I, too, am glad to be in recovery. Things are a lot better now. Xx 💕❣💕

  7. I am really sorry that you had to go through all of this. It is extremely brave and strong of you to share your story, Ellie, and you have shared it with such eloquence! I hope you are doing better now. Prayers and hugs.💖❤️

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Aaysid. It was a very tough time in my life. I wanted to share my experience in the hope that someone else, who may be struggling with this disease, will read it and feel less alone. That’s also why I included the helplines in case they are helpful to other readers, who are going through the same thing. I am very well now, thank you for asking. Big hugs for you Xx ❣💕

  8. What a haunting experience. My goodness, you’re getting a hug. 🤗

    I’m of course very glad to hear that you’ve came out the other side of it all in recovery. It’s a very beautiful thing that you’ve helped many others out here feel less alone in their struggle with this.

    Keep shining out that beautiful soul of yours for us Ellie. I hope you’re feeling amazing and special today dear friend. 🌹❤️💗💕💖💓🤗

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Christopher, and for your lovely hugs. I had anorexia many years ago, and I am well now, thank goodness. I hoped, in writing this post, to possibly help someone else with the same disease to feel less alone with it, and also to show that you can recover. I wanted to include the helplines for different parts of the world as whoever is reading this could be anywhere, as we know from being with WP and having readers from all over the globe. I’m just thankful to the many, many people and bloggers who have helped me on my journey to recovery. I am well today, thanks, my friend, and have had a good day so far. I hope you are well, too, and that your day has gone well.

      I haven’t been able to read and comment on your latest post yet, but I will do so as soon as I can. Love and hugs to you, too. Xx 💖🤗🌷🥰💝🤗🌹🌞💖

  9. Thanks for writing this, Ellie, as I think it could really help others who are going through it themselves. The disease sounds dreadful, and at the treatment sounds grueling. I’m so glad it worked for you, although I understand that you will probably always have to be on guard against the disease rearing its ugly head again. (Sort of like alcoholism, I’m guessing.) You are an incredibly strong person, and your honesty is admirable!

    1. Thank you very much for such kind words, Ann. I think it is similar to alcoholism in a way. They are both addictive behaviours, although, with alcohol, you can live without it, but with food, you can’t abstain as we all need to eat to live. I think, personally, it’s more difficult to recover from an eating disorder than it is from alcoholism. They are both tough in lots of ways. When I wrote this, I hoped it might reach someone who needed to read it and make them feel less alone. Also, that’s why I included helplines for the UK, US and Australia. I can’t tell you how much it helps me to write about my experiences, too. I always hope to make some readers feel they are not alone. X 💕

      1. I”m sure it does! That’s the best part about someone being brave enough to share their struggles….it lets others know they aren’t alone, and that it is possible to get through it.

  10. Well done for being in permanent recovery Ellie. You reminded me so much of someone I cared for almost 40 years ago when nursing in hospital. She was 16 and her nursing care was almost identical to that which you describe. Horrific, and I think and hope a lot has changed since that time. Sadly, my young girl didn’t have a happy ending – her illness and addiction eventually got the better of her and she died. She has always stayed with me after all these years.

    Your bravery in overcoming those years and now writing about it, shines a light Ellie. Sending hugs xx

    1. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words, Margaret. I’m so sorry about your 16-year-old girl who didn’t make it. That’s terribly sad, and I imagine she meant a lot to me as you cared for her and still think of her even today.

      Anorexia is a wicked disease, and having had the experience of that myself and other addictions when I was younger, I’d say that anorexia was the most challenging addiction to ‘give up.’ With alcohol addiction, once I stopped drinking, I could totally abstain from it (I’ve been clean and sober for over ten years now and intend to stay that way), whereas, with food, you can’t just avoid it as eating and nutrition is essential. I think it’s a bit like being a recovering alcoholic and being told you have to have three drinks a day but no more. Often, with anorexia, bingeing is part of that, too, and it’s so hard to eat healthily without under or overeating.

      I agree with you that the treatment was pretty barbaric back then. I remember thinking that it was so wrong that I had to ‘earn’ a phone call with my 14-year-old daughter. When I think about it now, it was like my daughter, Clare, was being punished for my illness. Appalling. I hope that these days it’s not like that anymore.

      Thank you again for your kind understanding. I hoped, when writing this, that I would touch the life of someone else and give them hope that recovery is possible. Many hugs to you, too. Xx 🌼💕

  11. Thanks for guiding everyone through this blog.

    I will surely look more into this 😊

    What you have gone through was surely horrific, but I’m happy for you now.

    My mothe is 62, so wow
    I never knew you are 65 ☺️

      1. Thanks, my friend. It’s very encouraging for me to get and give back lots of comments. I appreciate every single one. I can only share from my heart and I share with total honesty. Thank you, as always, for your encouragement 😊.

    1. You’re welcome, Devang. I’m glad you found this post interesting. It was really quite horrific at the time, although I like to think that treatment for anorexia is a bit kinder these days. Thanks for being happy for me now that I’m better.

      Ah, I didn’t realise you didn’t know my age. I think I’ve mentioned it a few times on my blog. I don’t feel my age, though; I feel a lot younger, which is a good thing, I feel. I’m old enough to be your mother 😜.

    1. I’m glad you feel my post will help many people struggling with the same illness, Brit. That really was my reason for writing this. I thought there will, no doubt, be other people who have been in my shoes, and I wanted to let them know there is hope and that recovery is possible. Thank you for being pleased I am in a better place. I don’t ever want to go back to that illness again. Xx 🌷

      1. Nothing spells out hope and recovery more than the person having gone through it and come out on the other side. And you won’t ever go back to it because you’ve made up in your mind that you don’t want to. Wonderful, Ellie. 🌼

        1. Thank you so much, Brit. I definitely won’t go back to that again. It was so destructive, not only for me but also for my family and friends, who had to witness me going through it all. There’s no way I’d put them, or me, in that position again. Thank you for your words of encouragement. They are much appreciated. Xx 🌷💕

  12. Thank you for sharing this difficult story with everyone. It’s remarkable all the things you’ve overcome in your life, Ellie. You are truly an incredibly strong woman.

    1. Thank you for your kind and generous words, Bridgette. It was a very difficult time in my life, but I am so thankful that I’m not in that place anymore. It’s been a tough journey through all this, but one that I’m glad I have made. Xx 💞

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