TRIGGER WARNING – mentions alcohol and drug abuse, suicide, eating disorder, self-harm, and emotional abuse.
My kind and excellent blogging friend and reader, Brian, published a post yesterday called ‘A Good Question‘ – it was about how other people cope with their feelings if they’re unable to write them on paper or screen. I’ve not always been able to write; I started after an awful experience working with an emotionally abusive therapist who had no boundaries. I became a wreck while I was with her, and she walked out on me the day my father died in April 2012. I thought I would never recover. From that moment, I began to write and wrote about that experience of what happened to me while I was, supposedly, having therapy with her. I wrote a poem at that time (one of my first posts on my new blog) called, ‘Killing Me Softly.‘ Please, could you take the time to read this, as it will help you make more sense of today’s poem? It’s only short (thank you).
This poem is the story of those years. I’ve never shared this part of my life, so it’s an extremely scary thing to do. I wanted to speak my truth, as I always do. I’m aware that I might be opening myself up for criticism and disgust here, but I now take responsibility and deeply regret my actions at that time and everything I put my family and friends through. Please, know that I’m not in this place anymore.
BACK IN THE DAYS
Back in the days when I couldn’t write
and the pain lived deep down in my soul
I had other methods to help me cope
to fill up that vast, gaping hole
It was when I was seeing that counsellor
when they all told me not to go
I came out of there tearful and broken
I’d never been so depressed and low
Back in the days when seeing her
I found myself drowning in sorrow
I got into debt with the landlord and more
and I needed some money to borrow
I started each day with a bottle of gin
kept it down by the side of my bed
I couldn’t face coffee or breakfast
just lay wanting death instead
Back in the days when I got into drugs
and was out of my head every day
I was literally living on benzos and weed
and had totally lost my way
I stopped eating food; became so unwell
I had anorexia; was all skin and bone
I hated everything about myself
I was down to under five stone
Back in the days, I’d knock back the pills
I’d bought from the chemist as well
and swallowed all my prescription drugs
I thought I was living in hell
I woke up one day in intensive care
all hooked up to tubes and wires
It hadn’t occurred to me before
that I was literally playing with fire
Back in the days when I started to cut
I was trying to bleed out my pain
I got treated like a timewaster
and I tried to jump under a train
Today, I’ve totally moved on from that
I’m grateful that I’m here at all
I confess I caused so much trouble
but now, I can stand straight and tall
Now, these days, I’m fit, happy and well
Have been clean and sober ten years
I’ve made my amends and changed my ways
And I’ll continue to persevere.
Thank you so much for reading. Love Ellie Xx 💓
Image by günter from Pixabay
Essentially Ellie 