Category: pain

The Gabapentin Blues (A Poem)

I’m so drowsy from these pills, even on this sunny day
I’m in far too much pain for me to come out to play
I’m doped up to the eyeballs on this awful medication
My attention span is shocking, as is my concentration

It’s affecting my memory, and I can’t grasp my words
My eyesight is blurry, and my speech is all slurred
I’m feeling very shaky, and it’s difficult to write
I can type very slowly, but it takes me half the night

I hate being on these drugs, as they slow down my mind
I’m taking Gabapentin and Co-codamol combined
Thinking is an effort, but it’s harder still to read
I’m sorry for my absence; I have to take the time I need

I wish I could read your blogs; I miss them all so much
We’ve not chatted for ages, and I feel so out of touch
I’ve been typing night and day, and I still have so much pain
I long to be back blogging with my friends once again

I don’t know how I’m writing when I feel so very drunk
Years ago, I gave up weed; it’s also known as skunk
Although I’m twelve years sober, I feel like I’m on the booze
It’s not that at all; I’ve got the *Gabapentin blues.

~~~

*Gabapentin is a powerful painkiller often used to treat nerve pain. It’s also known as Neurontin. I’m taking it to treat the severe nerve pain in my mouth, chin, lip and jaw following a [botched] tooth extraction, where the nerve was badly damaged.

~~~

P.S. I started writing this yesterday evening, and I finally finished it this morning at 10.45am. I had a real job staying awake to enable me to publish the post. I know I didn’t have to write anything on my blog, but although I haven’t been reading many of your blogs, I feel a strong need to write. It’s my only way of coping with what I’m going through right now.


(Image by Freepik)

Oh, Not Another One (A Poem)

Oh, not another poem about her being in the wars!
Can’t she change the subject and get on with her chores?
Is it so essential to talk about her pain?
Could we have another tale before we go insane?

So, let’s talk about the weather; it’s beautiful outside
But what about the dentist and the damage he’s denied
She doesn’t like that surgeon; her doctor’s on the case
The whole *kit and caboodle is an absolute disgrace

But think about the summer with a lovely cool breeze
Look out of the window at the flowers and the trees
Now, she’s got some pills that should offer some relief
Yet, here she is going on about her blooming teeth!

Four days on these pills, and she sleeps, and she shakes
It’s difficult to concentrate; she thinks she needs a break
She wants to carry on her writing; it’s something she enjoys
But she’s drowning in the water, so we need to throw a buoy

So here she is, producing work; will she never rest?
Though everyone on WordPress makes her feel quite blessed
There is a lot of gratitude within this heart and soul
She knows that pushing on will really take its toll

So how about a holiday; where would you like to be?
Ooh, yes, she says, delighted, and chose Southend-on-Sea
We could paddle in the water.  But the sea is full of shit!
Aww, can’t we dip our toes in just a tiny weeny bit?


*kit and boodle (Collins Dictionary)

Informal (often prec. by whole)
The whole lot of persons or things; all of something


Image by wirestock on Freepik







A Few More Hours In The Day, Please

Well, here I am again, finding I can’t keep up with everything I need to do, and my head is spinning! I’ve had to be out all day today; tomorrow, I have some work to do on a project; Saturday, my best friend is coming for lunch; and on Sunday, I said I’d go along to the local Quakers Meeting House to accompany a friend to a service for the first time. It should be interesting, and I am looking forward to it. I also have a lot of coursework to do, as I’m getting behind on that, too. Please, forgive me, once again, for missing some of your blogs for now. I need a few more hours in the day, or perhaps, a few more days in the week. Anyone here got a few to sell, by any chance 😁!?

Add to all that the severe pain 😖I still have following my botched tooth extraction. I’m on stronger medication than morphine to try and get on top of the pain. It does render me a bit incapable sometimes, as I keep nodding off. It’s difficult to be productive when your brain is frequently ‘logging out 😶!’ The medication is making my hands shake, too, so I constantly make mistakes when typing. All I can say is, “Thank goodness for *Grammarly!”

Anyway, I’ll leave it there for now. I humbly apologise for not reading your brilliant work recently. I am in the process of writing a poem, but I think that’s about all I can manage for the moment.

I know you are all kind and understanding, and you may be fed up with me pleading “overload” again, but I’d rather be honest about things than just suddenly disappearing into the ether.

I may be able to read a few blogs over my busy weekend, but I’ve learned not to allow myself to get exhausted. I know my health is important, whether physical, mental or emotional. I wish you all really well and I hope that you enjoy your weekend, whatever you are doing. If you’re alone and don’t want to be, I send you kind thoughts, calm and peace ☮.

That’s all for now … Much Love, Ellie Xx 💓

Image by atlascompany on Freepik

Do You Need An Ambulance!? (A Poem)

I called 111 for assistance (a helpline within the UK)
I needed advice about the pain I’d been having every day
They asked me lots of questions to see how I was feeling
I told them it was time that I really should be healing

I told them about the tablets that made me feel all funny
I mentioned that my dentist had charged me lots of money
They asked about my general health and how I felt today
Do you need an ambulance? I replied with a firm “No way”

Had I had a heart attack, or perhaps, I’d had a stroke?
I was puzzled by these questions, but they seemed well-meaning folk
Did I feel a heavy weight sitting on my chest?
I began to doubt myself and started feeling stressed

I confirmed it was those pills that made me feel unwell
My head was very dizzy, like I’d been on a carousel
Had I had an accident within the past few days?
Had I had a migraine with brightly shining rays?

Was my speech quite slurry; my mouth dropped on one side?
I said yes, but it was nerve damage the dentist had denied
I think you need an ambulance; I firmly refused once more
No, I really don’t, and yes, I’m certain, that’s for sure

I thanked them very kindly and said that I had to go
But you might need an ambulance. I really don’t, you know
I thanked them once again; I shouldn’t have a moan
And with that, I stopped abruptly and hung up on the phone.





Image source – Pexels

Too Many Peas (A Poem)

Here I am in pain from a badly infected gum
The nerves have been damaged, and my chin is all numb
I’ve been to the dentist and paid substantial fees
And all I can eat is custard and mashed peas

They think I may have Osteonecrosis of the Jaw
My mouth is so painful, and the bone is very sore
It hurts when I cough and hurts more when I sneeze
And all I can eat is custard and mashed peas

Necrosis means death to my very fragile bone
I may need an operation, as my X-rays have shown
I’m pretty terrified and have wobbly, knocking knees
And all I can eat is custard and mashed peas

Will surgery be needed? My mind is full of fear
My heart’s thumping loudly, and I’m gulping down the air
I wish I could eat, as I’m missing bread and cheese
And all I can eat is custard and mashed peas

I wish I’d never set foot inside the dentist’s door
I didn’t expect this trouble; that’s for sure
I’ve been using an ice pack to help the pain to ease
And all I can eat is custard and mashed peas

I’ve never had pain like it, not even giving birth
It’s cost me a fortune – I’ve not had my money’s worth
I’m in so much agony; can you make it go, please
Because all I can eat is custard and mashed peas.

Photo by Engin Akyurt: https://www.pexels.com


Dead In The Water

I know this is a bit unexpected, but I’ve recently become very unsure of myself as a writer (and a reader, too, come to that). I’m sitting in my chair in the living room and have spent the entire morning and much of the afternoon staring at a blank page, unable to write anything I consider worthy. Giving up on that idea, I decided to catch up on reading all the blogs I’m so behind on. I’ve read many repeatedly, and I’m still finding my mind completely vacant when it comes to responding to them.

Some of you will also know I’m taking a writing course with a group of writers and a tutor. We’ve just had a two-week break, and I should have written and submitted at least three pieces of work in that time. Yet, I haven’t managed to produce anything that would pass as halfway decent. I have until Wednesday morning to come up with something. My mind is blank, completely blank.

“So, what is going on?” I ask myself. I am still in a lot of pain from Friday’s difficult tooth extraction despite two types of painkillers and antibiotics, which aren’t doing much to alleviate my discomfort. I’m also worried that my lip and chin are still numb thirty-six hours after the procedure. That can’t be right, can it? Perhaps, I’ve got nerve damage. Now, I’m worrying even more. I’m telling myself to stop panicking, but I can’t phone the dentist till tomorrow because it’s a bank holiday weekend.

Apart from being in pain and not having slept for three nights, I’ve also just discovered that I should have come off my osteoporosis drug (Alendronic Acid) three months prior and following the extraction; otherwise, there is a very real risk of getting Osteonecrosis of the Jaw. That’s when the exposed jawbone in the gum dies, which can then spread to other parts of the bone in the jaw and face. I wasn’t given this information beforehand, so to say I am worried is somewhat of an understatement.

I began writing this at around 2pm yesterday, and here we are today at gone 2pm, and I’ve written nothing of any worth of interest. I’ve spent the entire morning flicking back and forwards through posts I want to read and comment on, but my concentration is severely lacking, and it’s past the stage of seeing anything other than panic and feeling overwhelmed.

I’m seriously wondering whether I should give up my writing course and blogging, although I know I’d miss all my classmates and blogging friends terribly. I don’t feel I have anything worthwhile to offer, and I shouldn’t expect others to take an interest in my writing if I cannot reciprocate. Perhaps, it would be better if I weren’t here. I feel hopeless, quite unlike my usual self. I think my desire to be a writer will never amount to anything. I am, for want of a better expression, dead in the water.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Agony (A Poem)

(I wrote this poem last night when I couldn’t sleep, but I was too exhausted to post it then).

I went to the dentist today and had a tooth pulled out
Six injections and three stitches later, I didn’t holler or shout
The tooth was awkward and stubborn, so a difficult extraction
The dentist pushed and pulled it hard to try and get some action

My best friend came with me this morning, so I could hold her hand
I squeezed it tight till her fingers turned blue; I knew she’d understand
The gum has not stopped bleeding, and the stitches are very sore
I think I’ll take some Panadol and some more at half past four

I drove back to my house, pale and weary, just as it started to rain
Just what I didn’t need when I was in so much awful pain
I’d left in a rush this morning, forgetting to pack my mac
I’d got halfway there when I realised; it was far too late to turn back

I feel completely exhausted from so much trauma and pain
I do my best to look after my teeth; I don’t want all this again
I messaged my son and said that I can’t have the children tonight
My face is bruised and swollen, and I look a shocking sight

The teeth I have left are in a bad way with lots of amalgam fillings
They’ve cost me an absolute fortune, and I don’t want any more drilling.
Lots of saltwater rinses tomorrow, and nothing to eat till later
The absent tooth has left a hole; it’s almost the size of a crater

I’ve wondered in the past, whether I should have false teeth
They’d have to dig out the decay that is hiding away underneath
“I wish I’d looked after me teeth”, said Pam Ayres in one of her rhymes
That was long, long ago, perhaps, decades, back in the olden times.

(Pam Ayres – “Oh I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth” – 2 minutes 16 seconds)

Image by wayhomestudio on Freepik

Kaput!! (More Bad News)

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse in my world, they just did! My laptop completely crashed again today. It was utterly kaput, defunct, expired, deceased, and needing more than the kiss of life to revive it. I lost everything; all my work and all my open tabs again, where I had stored all my blogging friends’ valuable posts and more besides. This happened to me a few days ago, although not on such a large scale as today. I’m past the stage of crying now, and if I could let myself go, I would scream very loudly.

Last time, my techie guy came to try to reset my laptop. Today, he had to come back again and was here for over two hours, having to reinstall everything. He charges £45 ($57) per hour. Today’s fee was nearly £100!! Added to that was the fee for coming out last Monday, which was a Bank Holiday. The total came to £175 ($221).

To add to all my despair, I had a tooth taken out this morning. It was an unexpectedly complicated extraction (more about that tomorrow). I was in the dentist’s chair for forty minutes, having had six injections to properly numb my mouth. I had to pay to go privately, as my regular NHS dentist couldn’t extract my tooth because I have a pre-existing condition, which makes having teeth out a risk. In the end, after much pulling, pushing and tugging, I ended up with three stitches.

When the anaesthetic started to wear off, I was in agony. I had strict instructions to just sip water and not to eat anything solid, not that I’m hungry anyway. I still feel quite traumatised and exhausted from the whole procedure. Tomorrow, I can eat soft food and drink warm drinks – whoopie doo!! The cost of my extraction, strong painkillers and antibiotics came to £500 ($632). Add that to the laptop repair, and it totals over £600 ($760)!! It looks like I won’t be getting much shopping this week. Just as well, my appetite has disappeared.

So … here I am again, begging for forgiveness for losing all your recent posts. Honestly, right now, I feel like throwing in the towel, but I know if I did that, I would only regret it. I so wanted to catch up on your blogs, but it looks like it’s not meant to be.

I’m absolutely shattered now, so will head on up to bed in the hope that a good night’s sleep and more painkillers will help me to feel better in the morning. I really do hope so – it’s been a day and a half today!

An Ear To Listen

An ear to listen, a hand to hold

My story’s been told a hundred-fold

About my abuse, about my pain

And my mental health that fucks with my brain


~~~

I’ve told of my struggles, I’ve told of my fight

Whatever I do, I can’t get it right

My body is tired; my mind’s been stricken

With thoughts that make my heartbeat quicken


~~~

My mind is a jumble, just word upon word

My thinking is such that the lines become blurred

When will my world stop spinning around?

My head craves silence, please, not a sound


~~~

Yet, the thunder continues; there is no rest

And bedlam moved in as a permanent guest

Is there no respite for one such as me

While chaos reigns but no one can see

~~~

I sit and ponder these thoughts of mine

And watching the clock, eating the time

The mornings are better; not so afternoons

Bedtime can’t come a minute too soon.

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

Catharsis

Let my fears float away
in a hot air balloon
above the dark clouds
and up to the moon

All my pain and the anger
sent up to the sky
the winds blow them gently
as I watch them fly by

Rip up scarred words
and burn them with sage
watch them all wither
and releasing the rage

Try punching a pillow
or let out a scream
digging for gold
or my lost self-esteem

Bang on a drum
play music so loud
don’t need permission
it’s fine; it’s allowed

Write down my thoughts
draw out a sketch
pin them up on the wall
and take a deep breath

Let your grievances lapse
write a gratitude list
swaddle the hurting
while angels are kissed.

I’ve had a more positive day today, so it’s made a nice change and was quite some relief, too. I hope it lasts, but even if it’s just a little taster of how life could be, it’s been good to be able to write something a bit more upbeat.

I wrote this after having a conversation with my counsellor yesterday. She asked me, totally out of the blue, what I’d like to do with all my pain, trauma and nightmarish memories. On the spur of the moment, without giving it much thought, I just came out with, ‘I’d like to put them in a hot air balloon and let them float up to the sky until the balloon is completely out of view.’

(I’ve also just started reading a book by a WP blogging friend, Tamara. If you’re reading this, Tamara, thank you for all your support and for letting me know about your books. I can see so much of myself in them. If you’d like me to link you to this post, just contact me, and I’ll be more than happy to do so.)

I’ve just started to draw a sketch of my imaginary balloon. It’s too late to finish and post it here tonight, but if I get it finished by tomorrow, I’ll add it to this post then.





Not exactly a sketch, but a very amateur attempt at drawing/colouring a picture of a hot air balloon. As you can see, I’m not an expert at art!

Ellie Thompson