She got up early and painted her face
to cover the shame and her falling from grace
She dyed her hair ginger and put blue on her eyes
She thought she’d catch all her friends by surprise
She smacked on red lips and looked into the glass
Outside the window, she watched people pass
Nobody noticed this sad tired stranger
Nor that she was in imminent danger
She pulled on her face and forced out a smile
and held the expression for quite a while
She easily feigned joy; could have earned first prize
for kidding them all with her perfect disguise
Exhausted and weary, she started yawning
and time slipped by, ‘though it was still morning
She pulled down her hat to cover her frown
No one would know her, dressed up as a clown
She’d tried so hard but things were so tough
She decided that enough was enough
What a sham, what a game; she picked up the knife
Could she pluck up the courage to take her own life?
I hide between layers of darkness and grime
The soot-black air rasping through my lungs
among the smoke and ash
There I find my home
If there were a breeze
to cleanse away the pollution in my mind
oh, what relief would be had
and perhaps I would be saved
I lay my rags upon the ground
and sink my face, guilt and shame
into the grit and dirt below me
as the wind howls over my bones
There is no saving or comfort
for the likes such as I
who perish in the storm whipping up
My shadow is all that remains of me.
“This was me before I knew about anything hard, when my whole life was packed lunches and art projects and spelling quizzes.”
― Nina LaCour, Hold Still
Rage screams out in silenced moments
Beating in her shattered heart
Muted words tell of her truths
Ripped her childhood years apart
Pain seared through her fragile figure
Like a sword sliced through her gut
Agony cut trenches in
To stop the screams with lips sewn shut
Innocence is lost in moments
Sins shut from the outside world
There she sits with guilty bruises
In a corner, tightly curled
She trembled as the torment came
Spoke whispers to her sacred soul
Crying out in stolen voices
Filled the gaping, bleeding hole
Keeping secrets nearly killed her
Suffocates her choking voice
Trapped and twisted honest truths
Ignoring pain, she had no choice.
Reality she feigns so well
Till the closet doors slam shut
A sureness of the truth becomes
A feeling from the gut
She’s dancing in the shadows
Tar running through her veins
Weaving webs of gossamer
Till nothing pure remains
Just then her hushed emotions
Tucked carefully away
Go screeching to the hills
As night follows on from day
The darkness wears disguises
Where her heart and soul had been
Closely guarded secrets
Always clever, never seen
And the devil burns so brightly
When the skeletons come out
The enigma slowly surfacing
Until there is no doubt
You may think me rather sombre as I write my feelings out
I concur they’re somewhat dark, as well you’ll know
Do you understand my pain, and why I try to hide my face?
My shame lives on from very long ago
I started this year well, without a tale to tell the world
But then I started digging, as you will all have read
Was that the wisest move, or should I put it all behind me?
But then I’d have to keep it in my head
My heart and soul are burdened; can I bury thoughts again?
Should I bid them on their way to pastures new?
Friends are standing by me and for that, I bless my soul
Do I really want to lose that loving view?
Oh, I’ve had my share of joys and bliss; an awful lot of fun
Along my endless travels, and on the brightest roads
So, why the saddest face and the hesitance to smile?
When I’m longing now to lose these heavy loads
I attempt to write my heart out; as it gives me real relief
Will you bear with me some more, while I search for peace?
Don’t give up or look away, as I’ll get there in the end
I’m so near the point of getting some release
I’m grateful, one and all, for your love and such kind words
They’re much appreciated, as I wend and find my way
The sun’s begun to shine and the sky’s a vivid blue
As I look forward to a better, brighter day.
Live today facing forward—with your back on yesterday, your eyes on tomorrow, and your head and heart in the moment.”Richelle E Goodrich
The past came back to haunt me yesterday
I thought I was over all that
It suddenly came flooding back
When opposite my counsellor, I sat
I cried a river of tears
As I remembered the sickening pain
I didn’t want to go back to that place
To experience everything again
The adult within me departed
Although I was sat in my seat
I could feel myself drifting away
As my heart skipped its regular beat
My thoughts were transported elsewhere
To a time so long ago
The world seemed unreal as time transposed
My agony completely on show
I had gone somewhere else in my mind
Somewhere distant and safe
I couldn’t be touched from where I was hidden
As I became the child, the waif
Gradually soft words broke through
It’s okay, you’re secure, you’re here
The voice, far away, waited patiently
Till the muffled speech became clear
Her voice brought me back to the room
My head cleared as she reached out her hand
The fear left and the pain abated
As I began to understand
My adult returned; it was time to go
Slowly, I walked to the door
I thanked her and smiled as the sun shone in
For I knew I was healing for sure.
This is barely a poem; more of a ditty, so I hope you will excuse its simplicity. Despite spending the afternoon with a friend, I’ve been feeling rather low and introverted this evening, and my mind has been working overtime – probably too much time alone to think about my feelings.
If I want you to, would you love me true,
like it’s going out of fashion?
If I cry a tear, but you’re not aware,
do you think I’ve no compassion?
If I ask you to, would you stick like glue
and be there by my side?
If I don’t seem right, do you think I might
have died a little inside?
Do you seem nonplussed, I have issues with trust?
Do you know I’m not being rude?
If I’m slow to get going, I wonder if you’re knowing
I still like my solitude
If I can’t walk far and can’t reach the stars,
do you think that’s how I roll?
If I shiver and shake, don’t assume I’m fake,
and damn me with no parole
If it’s been a while since you saw me smile,
can you imagine what’s in my head?
Will you stop and think why I’m on the brink?
Please be careful where you tread.
I will show you
fragments of me
if you are kind
and have patience
I will open cupboard doors
that have been closed
for many years
and bring out
pieces of me
over my lifetime
have been grabbed
to the ground
but I gathered them up
and tucked them away
in my mind
in my heart
These pieces are me
if you see them
say they are unimportant
are of no value
and without meaning
I will gradually
I will fold them
in tissue paper
as if they were jewels
and place them
back into the cupboard
never to be seen again.
Yesterday, I was jolted back to my neglected blog which is how come I’m here now after such a long break. I had an email from WordPress telling me that my annual payment was due on my blog plan which happened to be a ‘Premium’ plan. This had given me more options when it came to the look of my blog and the features and widgets that I could use. Unfortunately, my financial position isn’t brilliant, and I’m not able to afford the fee, hence my new look. It’s much simpler which feels quite different, but I think I’ll get used to it.
I’ve also decided to update and replace my gravatar. I’ve chosen a more adult image (above) rather than a picture of a young and rather sorry-looking child (below). This previous image was suitable for my blog when I started writing four years ago. Back then, I was writing mostly about my severe abuse in childhood and all the ensuing serious mental health illnesses I had. Fortunately, I’ve moved on from that period in my life – I don’t feel the need to share all those very distressing life experiences.
I want to get myself out the negative mindset I connect with this childish image. Maybe, this will give me the incentive, and added confidence I need to write more positively and frequently. To use a chlichéd phrase, ‘watch this space’, (but don’t hold your breath either!). 😉
A new start?