Tag: daughter

My Belated Christmas

Christmas Day was miserable; completely on my own
I really felt the odd man out, just dwelling all alone
But Boxing Day was different, with family being here
My son and the little ones; I hold them all so dear

The children’s eyes lit up as they saw all the wrapping
Both of them excited, and Charlie started clapping
Off came the paper, the ribbons and the bows
Imogen’s gifts all lined up in neat, tidy rows

The afternoon was spent playing with their new toys
I didn’t mind for one minute all the chat and noise
Tom brought their dinner as they wouldn’t eat nut roast
We all enjoyed our food, and Tom ate the most

It was a joy to have them here; they stayed overnight
New pyjamas, bedtime stories and all tucked up tight
Tom and I got chatting – it made a welcome change
It didn’t seem quite natural, so felt a bit strange

We ironed out our differences, which did us both good
My Christmas Day sadness seemed to be understood
The next day, we got up very early in the morning
The children were still tired; Charlie couldn’t stop yawning

They piled all their presents high in the car’s large boot
They waved out of the windows and headed on their route
I came back indoors to start clearing up the mess
I really wasn’t bothered as I felt so very blessed

Tuesday morning came, more excitement on the way
My daughter and her family came; we had a lovely day
We went to a restaurant, had lunch and some pud
Stuffed to the brim, as the food was so good

I hadn’t seen them all for much more than half a year
So, it was such a pleasure to have them visiting here
They didn’t stay that long; they had a fair way to go
When I’ll see them again, I really don’t know

As long as the love between us is always there
There’ll always be memories for us to share
I love both my children; they bring me so much joy
My five-foot-nothing daughter and my six-foot-two boy.


Photo by Eugene Zhyvchik on Unsplash

A Pot of Tea

[Photo credit Deposit Photos]

I went and had a pot of tea
And sitting there were Mum and me
With toast and orange marmalade
Just like Mum had always made

It felt so grand, us eating out
A special day, without a doubt
We sat and talked till half-past-two
The waitress brought another brew

A red tea cosy on the pot
The tea inside was steaming hot
We let it cool a little bit
I fancied cake, I must admit

A slice of orange chiffon cake
Complete with bits of chocolate Flake
Served with a jug of double cream
It was delicious, quite a dream

We laughed and ate till half-past-four
We should be headed for the door
But I was loathed to leave the scene
This place where Mum and I had been

I stopped and thought and shed some tears
It’s now been over six full years
My reason is so very plain
I so wish Mum were here again.

STRONGER THAN THIS …

broken chain

I thought I was stronger than this but I’m crumbling albeit slowly but very definitely, nevertheless. Little pieces of me are starting to fall and land at my feet like stones tumbling down a mountainside. My head feels as if it is less firmly rooted on my spine than it ought to be and as if all that is holding it there is a piece of stretched knitting yarn. My vision has now become blurred and my eyesight, dim. My skin falls in flakes around me on the floor giving the appearance of a light snow storm on the mid blue carpet, and my hair has become thinner in places, exposing patches of a shiny white scalp beneath.

I didn’t think it was possible for a human being to disintegrate before their own eyes, or perhaps I’m only just on the outside looking inwards. Is there is fur in my arteries and knots in my veins? The tendons of my limbs contract uncontrollably and my bones crack, oh, so painfully. My brain cells are diminishing in number as the clock on the kitchen wall ticks the seconds away. “Why is this happening to me?”, what few of them I have left are screaming at me.

“This punishment”, I hear calling from the distance; “this is happening to you because you are inherently evil”, a voice reverberates through my mind. The words etched in each ripple of thought that flows from the centre of my skull.

I wake in the night, screaming for some crumb of comfort that is no longer there or available. I realize that I am alone, completely and utterly alone in the pitch black night. It’s cold, and I am shivering as I grasp at my red fleece blanket that covers the duvet that has slipped from my bed to the floor.

I find myself thinking back on the day that has just past – it has been a nightmare. My mum had her ultrasound scan today that has showed her cancer has returned – I’m the only one she has told so far tonight; she is in a state of shock and I am utterly devastated. The hospital is reluctant to try chemo or radiotherapy given my mum’s age and vulnerable state of general health.

My dear son, Tom, returned earlier today from his first holiday away with his children alone only to find that burglars have got into his home. We don’t know the full scale of the losses or damage done to the property and its contents yet but it is heartbreaking.

My best friend has quite unexpectedly, and unjustly lost her job and her union are claiming for unfair dismissal.

My daughter hasn’t spoken to me since my recent assault and I can’t find out why. I’m also still waiting for support from the Victim Support Agency but have heard nothing since the attack and am not coping very well.

I have had to pay for a new pair of glasses this week and am now unable to pay the mortgage this month but that is the least of my worries.

I just want to scream, “Stop the world; I want to get off”, but that would be selfish of me. My support (for what it is worth), is much needed by my loved ones around me at a time like this and I tell myself, “I thought I was stronger than this, but I am crumbling….”

It is dark in my bedroom – I reach for the light somehow hoping that all this will have been a bad dream. I am cold. I am alone. I am very scared.

 

 

MIND GAMES

Sorry friends…..it’s back to that boring stuff about my kids again…..

I finally drafted a letter to send to both of my children and took it to counselling with me today to discuss with my therapist before finally thinking of sending it to them. I’d made my mind up after spending days, if not weeks or months deliberating over getting this letter ‘right’. It read (respectively):

“Dear *Tom/*Clare,

I LOVE YOU; I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU; I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

but I can’t take the constant pain and rejection from you anymore. I long to be in your life of course and also that of my grandchildren (*J, *B, *I and *C). Now it is time to make a decision. I need to know whether you really want me in your life at the moment.

If you decide to live your daily life without me, then I have to accept that, as I know we all have our separate paths to follow. But I do, very sincerely, ask one thing of you and that is that you don’t ever let my beautiful grandchildren forget me. Maybe, one day, when they are grown, they may want to come and get to know me better. I hope you will encourage them in this.

Of course, I will continue to send them birthday and Christmas cards (and ‘get well’ or ‘congratulations’ etc. as appropriate if I hear of any news) and also small gifts at these times although it will be difficult to to guess what sort of things they like or need as time goes on). Please keep me ‘alive’ in their hearts and minds and remind them frequently that I love them and am thinking of them very often.

I will also continue to send you both birthday and Christmas cards – whether you choose to reciprocate is up to you but I have to respect your decision whatever you decide to do.

If you make the choice to follow your path without me, I will still get on with life and make it happy. I now have college, choir once a week,and will be performing ‘live’ at the Cranstead Theatre in a few weeks’ time, church activities, my current book that I am writing, studying and my involvement with the ACR University and hopefully further opportunities there, possibly opting to do an Open University Degree in the near future. I keep in touch with your Grandma (my Mum) every day because as you know she is getting elderly now and of course frequently with my sister abroad and occasional emails and phone calls to my other two younger sisters.

My door will always be open to you so that if at any time you wish to have a fuller relationship with me, I will be there for you and you will be welcomed with open arms.

So, my darling son/daughter, think carefully and please let me know what you have decided (of course when you have had time to think about it).

With My Love Always and Forever,

Mum xoxoxoxox“

My therapist thought long and hard about this and then agreed that I had to take some action to defend myself from their continuing emotional abuse (which is basically what it amounts to). Surely, I’ve had enough abuse in my life without deserving further abuse from both of my children. I cried all the way home in the car with my Support Worker, knowing I should post this letter during the afternoon.

And then out of the blue, the telephone rings. I pick it up and am astonished to hear my daughter’s voice. “Hello”, she says, like no time has elapsed and as if no hurt has occurred. I was shocked! Why is it that just when I think I am sorting my life out or at least attempting to do so, a spanner has to be thrown into the works, so to speak. Not that I refer to my daughter as a ‘spanner’ but hell, do my children know how to get to me in the most painful ways! It was a short conversation but a conversation all the same.

Now, I am in a dilemma…..what do I do about sending that letter? Do I give them a second chance, or more like third, eighth or nineteenth chance? Another chance to hurt me and play mind games with me. I don’t know if I can take any more of this family drama, ongoing as it is. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever mention the subject again here on my blog for the fear of boring the pants off the few faithful followers I have left and just because I am going round in ever decreasing circles and if I don’t watch out, I’ll be running so fast that before I know it I will have disappeared up my own ar*e.

SORRY, RANT OVER AND YES I AM STILL ANGRY AND HURTING, AND IT’S BURNING A HOLE IN MY HEART AND A HOLE IN MY SOUL! x

BITTERSWEET BABY

baby-silhouette

Well……it’s official (apparently)! I am now a Nanny for the fourth time! I heard via text message from another member of my family that my son and daughter-in-law had a baby boy yesterday (my first grandson). That’s all I know – I don’t even know his name. I long to see him but I know this is nigh on impossible given my family situation. Do I feel happy that this new little life has been given into God’s kingdom? Yes. But, how can I be happy when I know I will see as much of this little one as I do of my other grandchildren? He will not know me, just as ‘the girls’ don’t know me and that breaks my heart.

I hear other people my sort of age talking about their grandchildren and how they come and visit with the sons or daughters they have. But not me, and it’s hard to hear sometimes, hard to listen because it is so painful. So, I smile sweetly and say “how lovely for you” and I mean it genuinely – I am happy for them but the pain I feel inside is heart-wrenching and continues to gnaw away at me because I know it will never be that way for me. I am the invisible Nanny, the non-existent one, “the Nanny we don’t talk about because she is a bit funny, (she has mental health problems and has a disability – you know how it is”).

I am deemed as useless as I cannot babysit, go upstairs to admire the gerbils, get down on the floor and play, chase them round the living room etc. What use I am to them? I write in the sky amongst the clouds, “Dear Son/Daughter, I love you – I have always loved you and I want to love my grandchildren and be part of their lives. I can still cuddle them, read them stories and be a positive influence in their lives. I am not mad or stupid. I am not a danger to my grandchildren. I love them and just want the opportunity to get to know them and for them to get to know me. My heart aches with my longing to see them. Is there no hope? Why, please tell me? Why?” Unsent letters, as writing would alienate them further so they remain in the clouds.

I keep journals though; love journals, one for each child where I write what I was thinking about today to do with them. I don’t write anything negative about anyone, especially my son or daughter.

If only…..Life is full of ‘if onlys’. Not just my life but the lives of many others for different reasons. We can but dream sometimes and we have to settle for that and be content, but easy, it is not! My heart is breaking I have to hang on to hope. Hope that one day when they are grown, they will and come and search me out and discover for themselves that I’m not what my son/daughter portray me to be.

“Dear Grandchild, I love you so much. I have always loved you from the minute you were born. I will always be here for you, waiting for you, waiting for the ‘if only’ to come true”.

Make a wish…..

dandelion-wishes