Tag: emotions

Having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or BPD really does make me emotionally unstable which I guess goes without saying! One minute I’m in the depths of despair and the next I’m touching the moon; I go from shovelling coals in the basement to then flying a kite.

On Tuesday night, I found myself distraught and counting out sleeping pills and paracetamol which I then overdosed on hoping for permanent oblivion. Not good. Not clever. I know that. I woke sometime Wednesday evening and was promptly sick which did no good at all as my body had already absorbed the drugs into my bloodstream. I had a pounding headache, racing heart, nausea and chronic stomach ache, all of which I realize were self-inflicted. And then was angry with myself for not ‘doing the job properly’, and angry that I was still on this planet that has brought me so much pain and heartache. It was raining…….’good’, I thought……at least there is no sunshine to mock my persistent emotional  pain. It was nearly dark now, the sun having gone down behind the silhouette of the trees.

I slept right through that night and woke Thursday morning, actually feeling clear headed and feeling more positive about my life despite the fact that all the problems are still there…..college closes it doors for the final time on Friday afternoon; I’m still torn between the two churches I’ve attended; I haven’t seen my children or grandchildren for months now; I’m in debt; Mum is getting on a bit and not in the best of health which I constantly worry about because my fear of losing her or being ‘abandoned’ is so horrifically, truly and absolutely terrifying.  I find myself thinking over my past life, full of pain and sadness, regret and sorrow, and my future which is a completely unknown entity. I wonder if there is another way out of all the chaos of my life, the past horrors, my fears and phobias. I’m daydreaming. I come to my senses. Will I be forever waiting for the storm to pass and watching the days melt into weeks, into months and into years of misery or do I begin to weather the storms and learn to dance in the rain, as the saying goes….

Perhaps a more positive mindset, if I can maintain it, will lead to more positive experiences and a more positive outcome. At this present time, I am ready to try to dance in the rain – I have my wellies and raincoat on and am out there jumping in the puddles. I know this week, in particular, will have more than its fair share of emotional challenges but I have to keep reminding myself of this:

‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,

It’s about learning to dance in the rain’.

Having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), mine being in the ‘Emotionally Unstable’ category, is like living life on a rollercoaster! Up and down…high and low…black and white…happy and s.. (no, I won’t use the word ‘sad’ as what I actually means is, desperately unhappy) and all of it, like a rollercoaster, is so damn scary! I’ve had enough! I wanna get off now! I’m exhausted! My thoughts are all over the place…mostly making no sense at all; pointless, why bother, what for? All, rather like I feel about the rollercoaster.

My mood changes umpteen times a day and is totally unpredictable. I never what’s going to hit next! One minute, I’m fine, everything’s ‘cool’. I know I can cope with college; I know I can manage to keep up with writing my book; I know changing my church is the right thing to do; I positively know my children will come back to me one day.

Now, everything’s turned upside-down, on its head! College is too much…I won’t get good grades; I’ll never get my book finished and it’s rubbish anyway; how can I change my church after being there eight years….how disloyal is that? I’ll never see my children or grandchildren again, (and just in the unlikely event that you ever get to read this, this is for you, Tom* and Claire* with special love for my three and one-on-the-way little ones). Knowing it’s all hopeless.

Positive. Negative. Black. White. Up. Down. In. Out. Happy. Desperate. Hopeful. Hopeless. Optimistic. Pessimistic. Love. Hate. Just like a rollercoaster.

It’s too much. It’s all too much sometimes and I start thinking damaging, self-sabotaging thoughts about myself. I don’t want to be here…on this planet…in this solar system.

Five minutes later, I am as high as a kite! Of course I’ll get good grades at college; I will easily finish writing my book before the deadline; I’ll be so happy at my new church – it’s what I’ve been looking for for years, can’t wait for Sunday; I’ll definitely see my kids and grandkids again and it will all be happy ever after. I live in hope.

This is hell, this is! I’m living in fucking hell!

Isn’t life wonderful? I’m doing so well. I love everybody. Hugs all round. S-m-i-l-e.