This post is dark … again. I tell you in advance as you may be so sick of hearing of my negativity that you wonder when there will be a respite from this torture and whether any experience of positivity is going to return? I wish I could let you into my world where I have secrets so deep, you couldn’t dig them out from the depths of hell. My shame has no end – I know that I’m dancing with the devil and now I have engaged in this dance, I can no longer pick the tune. I feel that I will spend the rest of my days terrifyingly and extremely reluctantly tied to this dance partner.

I listened to a sermon at church today (a place that I have no right to be as the bearer of my sins). It was about God loving each one of us despite what we have done. The first step would be to turn away from my sins which are, admittedly, not entirely of my own making, but they are now so great and I have sunk so low that I am too far down under the ocean to see any way back up to the surface.

I prayed so hard for God to show me a way out of the unfathomable mess I’m in, but there were no answers other than my knowing I will either spend my eternal days in hell if my sin remains only in my conscience or the alternative is for my sin to be exposed and I then spend my living days in damnation with my entire world having fallen apart around my ears until I die. And on that day, my feet will know no other way to tread than in the devil’s footsteps.

Dancing with the devil 2

“Father God, I praise You with all that I have and all that I am, deficient and insufficient though that might be. Forgive me, I beg, for my dreadful sin and please, Lord, free me from the captivity of the enabler and partner in crime who lives so closely alongside me emotionally yet they are not here in my existence now and I know that You already know this fact and were fully aware of this before I even put my pen to this paper.

I thank You for all the good that You have given me throughout my life. There have been many difficult and painful experiences along the way as there are in many people’s lives but I feel that, on the whole, I have learned from these and grown although evidently, not enough to right the wrong that I am doing currently and have been for some years.

My Father in Heaven, I plead with You to show me how to help myself to get out of this mess that I am in and in turn to become purer in thought and deed. I ask all this with all of my heart and everything I have in my soul, in Your Precious Name. Amen”


[I’ve been trying to write this post for the last ten days and struggling with the very powerful emotions attached to it. It’s an alternative view and a different way of thinking about the post I wrote exactly two weeks ago, entitled ‘A Stronger Woman (I Will Rise)‘. This alternative view, which has been brought to mind by a very close friend is about forgiveness and moving on]

The following image came to my attention …

People have to forgive

I was also touched by the following brief quote:

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

– Buddha

My anger, hatred and bitterness, although directed at this woman, this therapist who was so abusive, *JG, is not affecting her as the perpetrator in any way – she is completely oblivious to how I feel. By holding onto these feelings and fueling the fire within me, I am indeed the individual who gets burned, and badly so.

I’ve written several posts about *JG in my blogging days, and now I ask myself, “Am I going down the wrong path? Should I be changing tack?”. Perhaps, forgiveness is the key to my door to freedom. Perhaps, I am tying rocks to my feet by remembering, raging and allowing this fury to burn a crater inside of me, and perhaps, they are too heavy for my wings to carry, as the above image illustrates.

The other tack, being forgiveness, is not done for the person who caused the harm but for the person who has been wronged and who is the one suffering. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It’s also done in faith, and The Lord’s Prayer quotes in the bible:

Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.

– Bible

Perhaps, I need to talk to one of the Ministers at my church for advice on this subject although I think I already know the answer.

I have thought that maybe it would be a good idea to start afresh with a new counsellor, bearing in mind that my current therapist works for the same organization as *JG did. This fact means that I am going back to the same building over and over again, as I have been for nearly twelve years now (which only serves as a continual reminder of what happened there).

I am aware that this post is written from an entirely different angle to the post mentioned above but this new train of thought doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate all your relative and kind comments. They are still relevant and appreciated as I don’t know how long this new train of thought will stay current in my head?  (Those of you who have known me for years will know that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which means I can be very impulsive. This ‘condition’ also means that I am super-sensitive, caring of others but very critical of myself). However, I am not ‘mad’ or incapable of rational thought as some people assume (and I make clear that I am not referring to any of my blogging friends, potential ‘likers’ or ‘commenters’, all of whom I treasure).

Finally, I leave you (and myself) with this image:



Letting go of someone you love isn’t easy….It’s heart-wrenching, it’s agony, true heartache. Taking the decision to let go and taking the action is even harder. What do you do when you’ve tried everything in your power to hold on to the hope that that love will somehow be reciprocated but it never is? Letting go is the hardest thing….Let Go Let God.


I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve cried bucketsful of tears. I’ve hoped, I’ve wished, I’ve prayed. Oh, how I’ve prayed; all through the day to the point where I just cannot think anymore; all through the night until the sun rises and another day dawns. [“Heavenly Father, I hand this situation over to You, for You are stronger than I. My God, You know what has happened. You know what has gone before. Be merciful, I pray, oh Lord. I ask Your forgiveness for both myself and my children. In Jesus’ name, Amen”].

You may think me heartless; callous even, but there is only so much pain and rejection and hurt I can take. I am immersed in a sea of emotions which surround me; the murky waters reaching up to my chin, waves threatening to engulf me. My children cause me so much pain and suffering. If I don’t let go, I will surely drown. If I drown, I am of little use to any other person on this planet. My son and my daughter refuse to have anything to do with me. I’ve recently been ill and in hospital and now I’ve been home for a week, and neither of them have phoned, text’d, emailed, sent a card. Not a word. I love them. I will always love them, from the very bottom of my heart. I will miss them. A part of me has died for each grandchild I have lost in this manner. I’ve no idea how my little ones are – I’ve no way of finding out and it’s killing me and dragging me back down the hole I have fought for so many years to get out of. Both my psychiatrist and my GP say I need to let go to maintain my mental health. Easy to say the words, I thought; difficult, oh, so hard to take the action needed. My door will remain open forever, my loves, should you choose to come back; my love will be there always….it will never fade or lessen.

So, I have to say, my darlings, my precious ones, I will set you free. This is what you have requested (no contact). I don’t pretend to know why, nor to understand. I’ve prayed for your peace of mind, for your salvation. But all to no avail. I cannot hold you back any longer. I set you free although it shatters my heart into a million pieces to do so…..

Banksy balloon

 Sorry seems to be the hardest word…….


I am sorry to all my blogging friends that I have not read or commented on all of your posts but I have been in hospital for several days. This is just a status post really.

I lost my balance and fell as I was transferring from my outdoor wheelchair to my indoor one. I landed badly and have unfortunately broken my bad leg (now in plaster) and got a minor fracture of my shoulder (now in a sling) so I am typing with one hand. Fortunately I am right-handed and it is my left shoulder that is injured. I am still in quite considerable pain and am needing extra Care.

broken leg in wheelchair

I also knocked myself unconscious as I hit my head on a hard floor as I fell. I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up the next day on a ward. Apparently, I was found by my Carer who called the Paramedics who rushed me to hospital in an ambulance with blue lights blazing. I was then taken into Resuscitation as the damage to my head caused me to start fitting which I have never done before. Once they stabilized me, I was on High Dependency for a short while before being transferred to a ward. I made a fairly quick recovery thankfully although of course we still be in plaster for a few weeks now which is obviously further disabled me on top of my general disability. However, I realize that my accident could have been far worse and I thank the Lord for saving me from serious injuries.

However, I am good spirits apart from my continuing family problems. Sadly, neither of my children have made any contact with me or the hospital whatsoever despite the hospital informing them of my accident. That really hurts and I know that I should try to forgive them and am continuing to pray for God to soften their hearts and for them to come to know and trust in Christ.


It’s so very hard to say goodbye, or at least ‘au revoir’ to your own offspring. My children have broken my heart and continue to do so despite everything. I’ve not heard from either of them since ‘The Reunion’ despite leaving a loving but undemanding message on my daughter’s ansafone. I don’t have a number for my son so can’t contact him! This has been going on for years and years and I don’t know how much more heartache I can take.

I’m considering an option my therapist put to me….to mentally say au revoir to them both for the time being until/if they ever come round to caring about me. Or maybe I have to wait till my grandchildren are old enough to want to come and find me. In the meantime, I have to concentrate on building a life for myself which unfortunately doesn’t include them. But it’s so hard to let go, to give up the hope, cut the umbilical cord and say goodbye (at least for the foreseeable future). There’s nothing left to try anymore. They have me beaten. I don’t want to wave them goodbye knowing they won’t even be waving back.

waving goodbye

I’ve even had to take their photographs down and put them carefully away because it just hurt’s too much to see them. I have started keeping three ‘memory books’, one each for my grandchildren and I write nice things, also what I’ve been doing, that I’m thinking of them, that I never stopped loving them. I find pictures that I think they’ll like, considering them one by one carefully. I wish I knew what they were interested in, what they’re ‘into’ etc, especially my eight and five-year old. Sadly I don’t know my little S, who’s one and a half, at all so have no idea what she likes so just have to choose age-appropriate ideas. I hope and pray that one day, they will want to come and find me, that one day they’ll question their parents, my children, and ask why they don’t see me.

What makes me really sad is that they don’t have anything to do with my Mum either and she so longs to meet her great-grandchildren but she’s 84 and none of us know how much longer she’ll be with us. Hopefully, she’ll still be here in 5-10 years time but who knows when our time is going to be up? But it will be too late for her and that is so, so awful.

This song is about a couple saying goodbye but I’ve added it here because the emotions are the same when you try to say goodbye to your own children. And I will always love them. There will always be a huge place in my heart for them. I will forgive them for hurting me if they come back. I will always love you, T and C xxx







Can I forgive you….no, and even if I did

You wouldn’t thank me for it

You, being in total denial

I see straight through your smart exterior

To the rat you are inside

And you’d never pardon me for telling you

So I silence my voice and bind my hands

So that I cannot write a letter to you

You took a stick of dynamite and threw it

Into the centre of my childhood

And blasted it to tiny pieces

Yet I yearn to love and I cannot cure myself

Of the love I had for you for what I thought

You were before I knew you