LEPER

family silouhette for blog

Today, I am hurting. I miss both my children who choose not to be part of my life….stigma left-over from my seriously bad mental health days and now my physical disability. Perhaps I’ve caused them pain in my illness.

My daughter, ‘Clare’ with my two young granddaughters will honour me with her presence, if I’m lucky, for a couple of hours around Christmas time. That’s it! Once! It hurts and I so miss my grandchildren who barely know me, and then only as a stranger. I know she doesn’t love me.

My son, ‘Tom’, my first-born, has opted out of my life altogether. I have a grandchild who is 18 months old who I’ve only seen once when she was born. A duty call, that’s all. Better than nothing, I know, but now….it is completely nothing. It is as if he doesn’t exist. I don’t exist on his planet and he has no love for me either.

I wrote a poem a few years back. I chanced sending it to both of them in the hope…..the vain hope……

Nothing. Deafening silence. Silhouettes on the horizon. This was the poem I wrote:

My child, why does it have to be this way?
When I love you so much, it hurts
And I miss you to the end of the Earth and back
And would give my eye-tooth to hold you again.

My heart is a jigsaw with a piece missing
And try as I might, I cannot find it
Where are you, my child, who are you now?
You are all but lost to me. Will you be forever?

I’ll never stop hoping, wishing, praying
That one day, you’ll come back into my life
But tell me if it’s a vain hope
As I suffer every minute without you here

I love you, my precious child
You doubt me, you mistrust me
You despise me and whatever I do or don’t do
It’s not enough to bring you back to me

I would give gold and silver and diamonds and more
For the want of you to be close to me again
But I am helpless to redeem myself
Though I try long and hard and try to hold on to hope

But the hope is diminishing as the days,
The hours, the minutes, the seconds go by
We are further apart than ships in the night
And the lighthouse is disappearing from sight

I offer only a forever kind of love for a lifetime
For the years together we’ve missed
Nothing fills the void, nothing will, nothing can
For the rest of my days on this Earth, I am sorry

If I could take your pain and carry it on my back for you
I would do so, willingly, my precious child
I only wish you joy, happiness, peace of mind
You have nothing to fear from me

I am no threat, nor wish to be. Can you forgive me?
In your heart of hearts, my child, could you?
You have done no wrong in my eyes
The eyes of a mother at the death of her child.

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS xxx

 

Still…..nothing…..absence…..isolation…..stranger…..leper.

I hurt.

 

 

A MUSEUM PIECE

I have said, on more than one occasion, that I will not let the fact that my two children choose to reject me, stop me living the best quality of life that I am able. I am mostly pretty successful at this, continuing to write, to read, to get out and take part in life in general. However, there are times when the pain just becomes too unbearable and no amount of ‘a better quality of life’ is enough to compensate for my despair and isolation.

A MUSEUM PIECE

Forgive me my fragility and indulgence
Of a few tears shed
Tumbling down my cheeks
As I think back on my life-time so far

This is not what I envisaged
That my life would be as such; not ever
Dreams shattered like broken glass
Trod carelessly, underfoot

What have I to show for my toil and trouble?
Two offspring who barely know I am here
I play no importance in their lives
And neither in that of my grandchildren

They grow faster and brighter
I grow older, greyer, and wiser
I am, to them, just a mere label
A being with a name but no face

Like some distant aunt who lives far away
In the eyes of the children
I am merely, decrepit, and distant
Akin to an object in a museum

To be peered at on occasional visits
I cannot play hide-and-seek with them
Or climb the stairs to see their shiny, new toys
Nor to be introduced to the latest gerbil

I am deeply saddened and wounded
By this state of affairs
My heart is breaking in two; yet my own
Children play no part in my restoration.

I don’t think my situation is helped any by the fact that I have only one ‘real-life friend to whom I am eternally grateful to as she has stuck by me through all my really despicable years since losing my children: Full of alcoholism, drugs, self harm, anorexia, frequent attempts at suicide etc, and has never given up on me. We see each for a couple of hours, once a week and I so treasure that time and feel is she like goldust to me. I have no other friends other than you, my virtual but valuable and appreciated friends on WordPress. So I thank you, my blogging friends for all your love, caring and support and hope I am able to give a little goldust to each of you at some time. Big Hugs from me, coming your way so watch out……….! xxx

world close people

I would like to add that it has been some years since I have indulged in any of these reckless, self-harming activities although I still have issues with my eating sometimes. All the overdoses, drugs, alcohol, cutting etc have damaged my body permanently so if anyone is struggling with these issues, I do hope you are seeking/getting help and support xxx

THE BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKY.

I write, not to impress others, not to make an impact, not to gain ‘Likes’ or ‘Stats’ but to express my deepest feelings when I have no other way of expressing them other than to self-sabotage in some way which I’m trying hard not to do (although not always succeeding).

I am hurting, hurting very much because I am being deprived of contact with my grandchildren, all three of them and one on the way. I saw this picture and it made me think that perhaps when I’m dead and gone, they will think of me as the brightest star in the sky shining down on them. On the other hand, they may not think of me at all, if ever…I just don’t know but then I guess none of us do.

stars1

In the meantime, I will love; I will love with all my heart and with everything I have got and wrap it up in pretty parcels for each one of you, my little missing ones. A hug will, of course, accompany each parcel. I will wait; I will wait for a long time; I will wait forever; I will always be waiting my darlings.

waiting

I long for my daughter or my son to pick the phone up one day and for me to hear the words “How are you, Mum?” But it’s not likely to happen. In the eight years since my first grandchild was born, it has never happened and I know it’s never likely to. Some say I am a pessimist. I say I am a realist with maybe a touch of pessimism which I think is fair and just, given the circumstances.

Oh, how I long to take you in my arms, my little ones, and hold you, hug you, tell you how much I love you; how much I’ve always loved you; how much I miss you being in my life; how much I miss being in your lives. I dream I will be invited to your sports’ day, your school play where you maybe play the sheep in the nativity play, a school concert to watch you play recorder, trying so hard to get the notes right. I dream of having your paintings and drawings adorn my kitchen cupboard doors and all over the freezer, to find bits of your Lego down the side of my sofa, to find a felt tip pen rolled under the table; anything to remind me of you.

I live in hope. I hope in vain. I hurt. I really hurt as salty tears roll down my face. They say that tears are nature’s way of healing…..If that were so, I would have healed the world by now.

IT’S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE

It’s so very hard to say goodbye, or at least ‘au revoir’ to your own offspring. My children have broken my heart and continue to do so despite everything. I’ve not heard from either of them since ‘The Reunion’ despite leaving a loving but undemanding message on my daughter’s ansafone. I don’t have a number for my son so can’t contact him! This has been going on for years and years and I don’t know how much more heartache I can take.

I’m considering an option my therapist put to me….to mentally say au revoir to them both for the time being until/if they ever come round to caring about me. Or maybe I have to wait till my grandchildren are old enough to want to come and find me. In the meantime, I have to concentrate on building a life for myself which unfortunately doesn’t include them. But it’s so hard to let go, to give up the hope, cut the umbilical cord and say goodbye (at least for the foreseeable future). There’s nothing left to try anymore. They have me beaten. I don’t want to wave them goodbye knowing they won’t even be waving back.

waving goodbye

I’ve even had to take their photographs down and put them carefully away because it just hurt’s too much to see them. I have started keeping three ‘memory books’, one each for my grandchildren and I write nice things, also what I’ve been doing, that I’m thinking of them, that I never stopped loving them. I find pictures that I think they’ll like, considering them one by one carefully. I wish I knew what they were interested in, what they’re ‘into’ etc, especially my eight and five-year old. Sadly I don’t know my little S, who’s one and a half, at all so have no idea what she likes so just have to choose age-appropriate ideas. I hope and pray that one day, they will want to come and find me, that one day they’ll question their parents, my children, and ask why they don’t see me.

What makes me really sad is that they don’t have anything to do with my Mum either and she so longs to meet her great-grandchildren but she’s 84 and none of us know how much longer she’ll be with us. Hopefully, she’ll still be here in 5-10 years time but who knows when our time is going to be up? But it will be too late for her and that is so, so awful.

This song is about a couple saying goodbye but I’ve added it here because the emotions are the same when you try to say goodbye to your own children. And I will always love them. There will always be a huge place in my heart for them. I will forgive them for hurting me if they come back. I will always love you, T and C xxx

 

 

FAMILY REUNION?!

Families!! You either love ’em or you hate ’em’! In my case both. Those of you who have been following my blog will know of the problems I have regarding my family and for those of you that haven’t, here’s a taster!

My sister is visiting from abroad for three weeks. We get on really well and I will really miss her when she goes back. Because both my children T and C want to have virtually nil to do with me and are depriving me of seeing my grandchildren, my sister, ‘B’ decided to organize a family reunion. When she told me she had arranged for both my children plus spouses, all three granddaughters, myself and her all to meet up and go out out for a meal together, I was absolutely gobsmacked!! I couldn’t imagine it. (I haven’t seen T and C in the same room together for 20 years!) I couldn’t imagine it….all of us, nine in total, seated round a bench table and actually talking to each other, playing ‘happy families’. Me and B went in a taxi, me in my wheelchair, of course. We arrived first and as usual, my offspring were suitably and predictably late. The greetings were so brief as to be almost non-existent. So there we were, all sat round a table which felt very odd, if not a little uncomfortable.

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(photo credit: dogclipart.com)

My family were all very happily chatting amongst themselves and eating good food, and me and B were left talking to each other. My kids are so rude sometimes! I felt hurt that they didn’t even bother to introduce me to my grandchildren. ‘Happy Families’ continued till the end of the meal (good food at least). Then, little S, who is now one-and-a-half (my son’s little one), was allowed to get out of her highchair to have a look around and play in the open area nearby. She was dressed in a white, flared dress and looked like a cross between a bridesmaid and a little princess. She ran straight past me, not recognizing me, of course, not having met me before. I was this strange woman in a wheelchair at the end of the long table, her having been at the other end so there had been no smiles and eye-contact etc.

I looked at this beautiful little girl, running about and giggling and felt nothing but pain. This was the granddaughter I’d never met and here she was, in flesh and blood, running back and forth passing me without even a glance. I felt so, so hurt. My son hadn’t even made any attempt to bring her over to me to tell her that I was, in fact, her Nanny. I tried to catch her attention but she was too wrapped in running about and playing with my daughter’s children who are 8 and 5 now who were too occupied with little S, that they totally ignored me. They were strangers to me and that really hurts. As for T and C and their spouses, they more or less acted as if I was invisible.

The meal ended. S was sat on the floor, absorbed in looking at a book. She looked so sweet any yet I was a no-one to her. I longed to scoop her up in my arms and hug her close to me, telling her that I was her Nanny and that I loved her very much but I wasn’t able to. 

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After that, T and C and respective families, headed for the exit having said a brief goodbye and they were off somewhere else. That left me and my sister. I looked at the deserted table, still littered with crockery and leftover food, and then burst into tears. What had been the point of this so-called ‘family reunion’ ? I was none the wiser and could have been invisible for all the notice they took of me!

So how do I feel now? Well, to be honest, I feel crap, shit, hurt, disappointed, resentful, angry and mostly devastated that my children could make me feel this way (mind you, not for the first time and I daresay not the last either). That’s my ‘family’ for you in a nutshell.

BITTERSWEET

Tomorrow, I should be celebrating but for me it will be a bittersweet day.

My sister who is over from abroad is coming to me in the morning. That will a lovely time, I know, spending the day together, but oh, so hard to let her go at the end of the day, saying goodbye until she comes and visits again in a few years time, watching her taxi drive away into the distance.

More bitter than that is that my estranged children and grandchildren are coming over for the first time for at least a year or more. They live only an hour away from me and I would so love to see both my children and of course, my grandchildren (now growing up fast). They are coming to my house but not to see me but to meet up with my sister before she flies back.

Admittedly, we are all going out for a meal together, locally which is a rarity in itself. My wheelchair won’t fit into either of my children’s cars (so they say), so they are going together while I have to make my own way to the restaurant in my wheelchair (and it’s set to rain tomorrow as well).

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However, I’m fully aware that my children don’t particularly want to see me and yet I’ve been pining to see them and meet my grandchildren for years. I will just be a spare part, that’ll all when it comes down to it. My littlest granddaughter is now one and a half years old and i’ve not seen her since she was two weeks old! My children don’t ever come down to visit me at any other time so I barely know my own grandchildren.

However, on the plus side, at least I get to see them all. I don’t know what the family problem is. My children won’t discuss it. I strongly suspect that they can’t/don’t want to face up to my mental health problems and my physical disability. They are ashamed of me…..but I will wait for them, I will always be there for them and I’ll always love them.