Well, it’s nice to be back amongst my blogging friends after the Christmas and New Year break at which time I posted absolutely ‘zilch’! Christmas Day was fairly non-eventful (other than a tummy bug if you can call that a non-event….I think not actually!) and quiet as it usually is for me but I don’t mind really. At least I was fortunate to have my Carer come in the morning and the evening (which is more company than many people had). Thank God for small mercies.

Talking of God, He has really been working in a very positive way in my life especially over the last week or so. I feel so very grateful and blessed and thankful to all those friends who have been praying for me on this topic. Jesus has broken through in my life in a quite delightful and generous way and I praise Him for that and the beginnings of an answer to my prayer. I have written the following words:


Isaiah 46:16, 18-19
16 Long ago the LORD made a road through the sea,
a path through the swirling waters.
18 But the LORD says,
“Do not cling to events of the past
or dwell on what happened long ago.
19 Watch for the new thing I am going to do.
It is happening already—you can see it now!
I will make a road through the wilderness
and give you streams of water there.
A few weeks ago, my Minister talked about the Lord breaking through in our lives and I just wanted to share my experience of this:

As most of you know, there has been a considerable and serious breakdown in communication between myself and my son and daughter for some years now. I opened up my heart to our Lord God – I asked for forgiveness for the bitter and angry thoughts that I carried, and prayed hard for reconciliation as I know too that so many of you have also been praying for me and I feel blessed and very touched by that.

Now, in the last couple of weeks, Jesus has broken through into my life in the most miraculous way. I have just, over the last few days, started to have some very positive contact with both my children and I pray that we can build on this. I am so happy!

Praise God in the Highest for He is good.” 

Thank you Lord x

Not only do I feel these feelings strongly but tomorrow, I have to stand up (well, sit in my wheelchair in my case!) in church, in front of 300+ people in the congregation and read these words. I am seeing it as a personal challenge to my natural fear, inhibitions and lack of confidence as I have only once spoken publicly in front of a large number of people and that was back in 2008 when I was baptized.

photo: - sister & baby brother - blog.

Oh! Did I forget to say that I have a new grandson who isn’t two weeks old yet. He is my son’s second child, my fourth grandchild and my first grandson. They have called him C.N.*; he is a sister for I* who will be two years old in a week’s time and a cousin for my other two granddaughters, J* and R*. I’ve yet to see him but at least, and at last, my son and my daughter-in-law are replying to my occasional emails and phone calls.

Time for celebration? Heck! Why?, Why not?! At last my relationship with my children has improved a tiny bit and the future looks paved with gold (well, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that….bronze maybe). Great news, nevertheless. 

Wish me luck or remember me in prayer for tomorrow’s service, if you would like to. Watch this space…



Well……it’s official (apparently)! I am now a Nanny for the fourth time! I heard via text message from another member of my family that my son and daughter-in-law had a baby boy yesterday (my first grandson). That’s all I know – I don’t even know his name. I long to see him but I know this is nigh on impossible given my family situation. Do I feel happy that this new little life has been given into God’s kingdom? Yes. But, how can I be happy when I know I will see as much of this little one as I do of my other grandchildren? He will not know me, just as ‘the girls’ don’t know me and that breaks my heart.

I hear other people my sort of age talking about their grandchildren and how they come and visit with the sons or daughters they have. But not me, and it’s hard to hear sometimes, hard to listen because it is so painful. So, I smile sweetly and say “how lovely for you” and I mean it genuinely – I am happy for them but the pain I feel inside is heart-wrenching and continues to gnaw away at me because I know it will never be that way for me. I am the invisible Nanny, the non-existent one, “the Nanny we don’t talk about because she is a bit funny, (she has mental health problems and has a disability – you know how it is”).

I am deemed as useless as I cannot babysit, go upstairs to admire the gerbils, get down on the floor and play, chase them round the living room etc. What use I am to them? I write in the sky amongst the clouds, “Dear Son/Daughter, I love you – I have always loved you and I want to love my grandchildren and be part of their lives. I can still cuddle them, read them stories and be a positive influence in their lives. I am not mad or stupid. I am not a danger to my grandchildren. I love them and just want the opportunity to get to know them and for them to get to know me. My heart aches with my longing to see them. Is there no hope? Why, please tell me? Why?” Unsent letters, as writing would alienate them further so they remain in the clouds.

I keep journals though; love journals, one for each child where I write what I was thinking about today to do with them. I don’t write anything negative about anyone, especially my son or daughter.

If only…..Life is full of ‘if onlys’. Not just my life but the lives of many others for different reasons. We can but dream sometimes and we have to settle for that and be content, but easy, it is not! My heart is breaking I have to hang on to hope. Hope that one day when they are grown, they will and come and search me out and discover for themselves that I’m not what my son/daughter portray me to be.

“Dear Grandchild, I love you so much. I have always loved you from the minute you were born. I will always be here for you, waiting for you, waiting for the ‘if only’ to come true”.

Make a wish…..