Searching For Tomorrow

You may think me rather sombre as I write my feelings out
I concur they’re somewhat dark, as well you’ll know
Do you understand my pain, and why I try to hide my face?
My shame lives on from very long ago

I started this year well, without a tale to tell the world
But then I started digging, as you will all have read
Was that the wisest move, or should I put it all behind me?
But then I’d have to keep it in my head

My heart and soul are burdened; can I bury thoughts again?
Should I bid them on their way to pastures new?
Friends are standing by me and for that, I bless my soul
Do I really want to lose that loving view?

Oh, I’ve had my share of joys and bliss; an awful lot of fun
Along my endless travels, and on the brightest roads
So, why the saddest face and the hesitance to smile?
When I’m longing now to lose these heavy loads

I attempt to write my heart out; as it gives me real relief
Will you bear with me some more, while I search for peace?
Don’t give up or look away, as I’ll get there in the end
I’m so near the point of getting some release

I’m grateful, one and all, for your love and such kind words
They’re much appreciated, as I wend and find my way
The sun’s begun to shine and the sky’s a vivid blue
As I look forward to a better, brighter day.

Live today facing forward—with your back on yesterday, your eyes on tomorrow, and your head and heart in the moment.”

Richelle E Goodrich

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Well, for those of you who are read my blog three days ago…..It went ok. In fact, it went better than ok, it went well! That is, reading my testimony out loud in church in front of 300 people this morning! I was so nervous.

I couldn’t sleep and was up by 4.30am rehearsing my ‘lines’ and then headed off to church early because the pavements were icy from the freezing fog we had during last night (it was -1 degree outside when I left!). But I arrived safely and in plenty of time.

I was greeted by my Minister, M*, who informed that I was first to speak out of six of us who were sharing our testimonies whereas I’d been told I was last so that was somewhat nerve-racking. My hands were shaking so much, M* had to hold the microphone as I couldn’t keep it still! Nevertheless, I managed to speak the words clearly and audibly, (and not mumble or whisper as I often do). I really enjoyed it all in the end and would love to do it again to publicly give thanks to God and hopefully encourage others to build on their faith.

When the service was over, we all trooped downstairs to get coffee or tea and lots of my friends and acquaintances there came up to me and said how pleased they were to hear that there had been some small steps towards reconciliation between myself and my children (even though they are only tentative at the moment). At least, I have hope…..hope for a future for me and my family at last, and I am just so grateful and say again, ‘to God be the glory’! x 🙂

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

attitude of gratitude 2

My life is not perfect; far from it. I won’t go on to list all the things that are not how I’d like them to be but hey, nobody said life would be perfect! I will say my biggest upset is the total lack of contact with my children or my little grandchildren who I miss terribly. There is a fourth grandchild on the way but I doubt I’ll be allowed to have anything to do with that little mite when he/she enters the world. All my grandchildren are growing up not knowing they have a Nanny Ellie. I do not exist on this planet for them despite them all being in close proximity to me. 

On to other events. I can just see the glimmer of light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel I have been lodging in for so long. I dig my way through mud, shovel by shovel, clearing the beginnings of the path that will lead me out of this place. I long to reach the warm sunshine I can see lighting up the far end of this prison. I crawl and I claw my way, inch by inch nearer and nearer to my goal.  At last, pieces of my life are beginning to come together; important matters are finally falling into place. I don’t hesitate to list these as they are gradually bringing light and a warm glow into my life (minus my grandchildren, of course).

  • At last my new laptop has arrived, all shiny and new. No more trying to hump that great huge dinosaur of a computer about (I called it Triceratops for that reason). This one is as light as a feather and a dream to use, although it didn’t come cheap (but it did come with a credit card bill!). I’ve called it ‘Amy’ – don’t ask me why; no rhyme or reason – it just came to mind and has a friendly sound about it. 
  • I think, at long last, that I have found my spiritual home…thank you, God. It’s a really small, fairly run-down ramshackle hut of a building, but proudly painted with clean blue and white paint. The people there are so friendly and are already treating me like one of their family. I feel totally comfortable there. The Senior Minister is called Roger and he has a really wicked sense of humour. The services are simple but genuine, the songs are mostly modern and beautiful, the faith is strong, the sense of community is steadfast but mostly, I get treated like a human being, not like an obstacle in a wheelchair (which incidentally had new batteries fitted this week so it goes like a dream now). I’ve called my chair ‘Charlie’, the girl’s variation, naturally….women are better drivers! (No offence, fellas).
  • I am at last doing something about changing my care agency. I’ve been on to Adult Social Care and reiterated the fact that my current agency were no longer able to meet my needs. After much interviewing, I have found a care company who really do seem to care so I’ve just got to get the two lined up together with each other now. Not an easy task, I can assure you.
  • In addition, college starts back on the 10th September and I’m eager and raring to go! 
  • I’ve had my mobile phone, basic though it is, repaired so now I can be in touch with the word once again.
  • I had a birthday on Wednesday and three of my college friends surprised me and turned up with balloons, badges, flowers and gifts like I’ve never had before. I had a fantastic day with them. My birthdays are usually spent on my own, singing ”Happy birthday to me…” etc.

So, that is six reasons to be grateful that God is good and believe it or not, it hasn’t been easy to write bout the good stuff when I’m used to wallowing in the mire. I can become accustomed and far too ‘comfortable’ writing about all the negatives. But just once in a while, and I have to make the most of these rare moments, it’s good to bask in the sunshine. 🙂