Tag: gratitude

600 Followers! – Thank You All

Apparently, I now have 600 followers and readers! WordPress failed to inform me of this ‘grand event’ on the actual day, but one of my kind readers, Devang, told me about this. I know it’s not a large number compared to many bloggers who have clocked up well over 1,000; however, it means the world to me, and I want to thank you all sincerely for supporting me in my newish journey to better health and peace of mind. It’s been a hard slog for me to get to this point and you’ve been there when times were very rough and my coping with life skills were at rock bottom.

Without you, old and new readers and followers, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am now, which is a much happier space than last year. You have supported me through my troubles, been there by my side, cheering me on, and been incredibly encouraging. I am eternally grateful to you.*Round of applause 👏👏👏* for you, my wonderful friends. Each and every one of you is important and much-valued in my life.

Finally, as I often say, I’m sorry I’m so dreadfully behind in reading all your posts, partly because I’ve had my family here for a few days, and any of you who have small children in the house knows how almost impossible it is to sit down to read or write. I currently have 112 email notifications in my inbox, and it would take me a month of Sundays to get through them all. Please, forgive me If I’ve missed your recent posts. Sometimes, I get time to read and genuinely ‘like,’ but I haven’t always had time to leave a comment. I will do my best to catch up, but I apologise if I have missed some of your valuable work.

If I get time, I hope to post a short piece of fiction sometime today. I have it in draft form, so I hope to work on that a bit and my catching up of your posts, too.

Once again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the important part you play in my life. I love you all. Ellie Xxx 💖💐💝

My Therapy – The End and The Beginning

As some of you will know, I had my last therapy session with my therapist, Chris, this afternoon. I’m not going to say it wasn’t tough because it was. We talked about what progress I’d made, even when I felt I wasn’t making any. We spoke about my poetry and whether I was going to continue writing. I am, naturally. I NEED to write – it’s the breath from my soul, and I would be lost and speechless without it. After I got home, admittedly in floods of tears, I wrote this poem to clear my mind and express my thoughts.

I’m thinking of taking a short break – not from writing, but, just for a while, from trying to keep up with all the blogs I follow (and that’s a lot) because I need some headspace to take stock of what I’m feeling, what I need and where I want to go from here. I will still be here and will, at least, try to read some blogs when I’m able to. I hope you will all understand.

Thank you so much to each of you who have been beside me and supported me through such a difficult few months. I’m eternally grateful. I’ll be back before too long.

With my love, Ellie Xx 💗🤍💗

~~~

My last session left me feeling distraught
I’m not being brave like I know I ought
Just before leaving, I asked for a hug
The answer was no, and I felt like a mug

She did, momentarily, hold my hand
Just briefly, though, as hugging was banned
I thought that this was so very kind
It calmed my heart and soothed my mind

I duly filled out the last questionnaire
To see, on the whole, how well I’d faired
I could see my progress, and more than a bit
I was somewhat surprised; I have to admit

Now, I have to wait for quite some time
I’ve got an awful long way to climb
I won’t be with Chris, but someone new
I hope I can bond with that person, too

She said it’ll be months before I’m seen
I’m wondering what I can do in between
I’m trying to find some way to cope
without completely losing all hope

I owe it to Chris, and I owe it to me
Not to turn this day into a tragedy
I hope I’ll be able to continue to write
It helps me to battle, and it helps me fight

I’m debating whether to take time out
To let myself fully get over this bout
I want to write, but less time to read
Right now, I have to do what I need.

“The last time always seems sad, but it isn’t really. The end of one thing is only the beginning of another.”

― Laura Ingalls Wilder, These Happy Golden Years

(Photo by Rowan Freeman on Unsplash)




A Merry Christmas To You All x

Here we are on Christmas Eve … where did that year go!?

Although I’ll be alone tomorrow (as will many others), I will keep myself busy. I’m determined to cook myself a tasty vegan Christmas dinner – almond and pecan loaf, roast potatoes, vegan pigs in blankets (yes, you really can get those now), chestnut stuffing and onion gravy. And, of course, not forgetting the brussel sprouts. Some people love them, like me, and others hate them with a passion! I’ve also left the wrapping of presents to do tomorrow to pass some of the time.

On Boxing Day, my son and the children are coming and sleeping over, which will be great. I love having my little ones to stay. My daughter is coming up on Tuesday with my son-in-law and the girls. I haven’t seen them since last August, so that will be lovely. So, although I’m alone tomorrow, I think of it as if I’m having my Christmas celebrations one day late, and that’s fine.

I’ll stop chatting here because I know so many of you will have a lot to do. However, if you are alone, I hope you can get through the day as best as you can. It’s hard being on your own when you feel the rest of the world is enjoying the festivities. I will be thinking of any of you who are in this situation. I wish every single one of you a lovely Christmas. I hope you can celebrate, even if in a small way.

FINALLY … Thank you from the deepest recesses of my heart for all the amazing and loving support you have given me as I’ve travelled on my somewhat difficult journey over the last few months. I don’t know where I’d be without you – you are like a family to me. I have a heartful of gratitude and feel incredibly blessed to be part of this big WordPress community. Thank you for being there for me, day in and day out. I love you all.

With much love and many warm hugs,
Ellie Xxx 💖🤗💖🤗💝🎄💝🤗💖🤗💖


Photo by Aswathy N on Unsplash

The Journey – A Poem

Most of you who know me will have learned that my desperately-needed counselling has to come to an end on the 4th of January 2023 (straight after the New Year). I’m on a two-week break over Christmas at the moment. You know how terrified I am of being without Chris. I’m still on a long waiting list to enable me to see someone else; this is likely to be months rather than weeks. All the things and emotions I’ve shared with her, some of which I’ve never shared with anyone before, where do they go? Do I have to begin all over again with a new person? I’m not sure I coud bear that.

I wanted to write something for Chris to express my gratitude for all the work we’ve done together, but also to share my fear of coping without her to speak to every Wednesday.

THE JOURNEY

I wanted to write something purely for you
to say thank you for all that you’ve done and do
I came, and you helped me to open my heart
You’ve listened to poems and seen bits of art

You’ve travelled my journey alongside with me
through all the depression and anxiety
We tried to deal with my muddled eating
That was the first thing we intended treating

But, then came the flashbacks of child sex abuse
A crime committed with no good excuse
I shared secrets I’d never discussed before
Felt guilty as hell as I stared at the floor

You’ve been by my side and witnessed my pain
Taught me I’m worthy and have lots to gain
You’ve reassured me I wasn’t to blame
and helped me let go of the awful shame

Trying to deal with my anger was tough
I couldn’t scream or shout loud enough
I did once throw hard clay at the chair
Tried to imagine the bastard sat there

I poured out my soul in words, rhyme and tears
and looked at my strengths and all of my fears
I’m so grateful to you for hearing my truth
of long, long ago, back in my youth

You’ve listened to secrets and made me feel brave
and I’m dreading our final goodbye and last wave
How do I live with this loss and my pain?
I just can’t believe I won’t see you again.

With my love, Ellie Xxx 🖤🖤🖤



A Ribbon And A Bow

I thought this year would be different
but no, I should have known
While half the world is celebrating
once again, I’m on my own

Christmas is meant to bring joy
but for me, it’s another sad day
I know it is for some others, too
I wish it would all go away

It’s just like any other day;
there are no presents there for me
Couldn’t put the decorations up
Couldn’t manage a tree

I don’t want silver and gold
tied up with a ribbon and bow
I don’t need the fancy gift wrap;
that’s not how I want it to go

My family around the table;
that’s all I asked for this year
My son was coming on Christmas Day
but now he is going elsewhere

I miss my dear Mum at Christmas
We’d talk on the phone half the day
Both alone again but so far apart
before she passed away

Often, when alone on this day
I take a ride into town
to see if a soul is on the streets
I go with a smile, not a frown

I still have much to be grateful for
There are people worse off than me
There’s still beauty in the world
if I open my eyes and see

I hope you don’t feel I’m a humbug
but it’s extra tough this year
Nevertheless, I give to you
my ongoing love and good cheer.

Warm hugs, Ellie Xx 💓🌲💓

Searching For Tomorrow

Photo by Christian Gertenbach on Unsplash

You may think me rather sombre as I write my feelings out
I concur they’re somewhat dark, as well you’ll know
Do you understand my pain, and why I try to hide my face?
My shame lives on from very long ago

I started this year well, without a tale to tell the world
But then I started digging, as you will all have read
Was that the wisest move, or should I put it all behind me?
But then I’d have to keep it in my head

My heart and soul are burdened; can I bury thoughts again?
Should I bid them on their way to pastures new?
Friends are standing by me and for that, I bless my soul
Do I really want to lose that loving view?

Oh, I’ve had my share of joys and bliss; an awful lot of fun
Along my endless travels, and on the brightest roads
So, why the saddest face and the hesitance to smile?
When I’m longing now to lose these heavy loads

I attempt to write my heart out; as it gives me real relief
Will you bear with me some more, while I search for peace?
Don’t give up or look away, as I’ll get there in the end
I’m so near the point of getting some release

I’m grateful, one and all, for your love and such kind words
They’re much appreciated, as I wend and find my way
The sun’s begun to shine and the sky’s a vivid blue
As I look forward to a better, brighter day.

Live today facing forward—with your back on yesterday, your eyes on tomorrow, and your head and heart in the moment.”

Richelle E Goodrich

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Well, for those of you who are read my blog three days ago…..It went ok. In fact, it went better than ok, it went well! That is, reading my testimony out loud in church in front of 300 people this morning! I was so nervous.

I couldn’t sleep and was up by 4.30am rehearsing my ‘lines’ and then headed off to church early because the pavements were icy from the freezing fog we had during last night (it was -1 degree outside when I left!). But I arrived safely and in plenty of time.

I was greeted by my Minister, M*, who informed that I was first to speak out of six of us who were sharing our testimonies whereas I’d been told I was last so that was somewhat nerve-racking. My hands were shaking so much, M* had to hold the microphone as I couldn’t keep it still! Nevertheless, I managed to speak the words clearly and audibly, (and not mumble or whisper as I often do). I really enjoyed it all in the end and would love to do it again to publicly give thanks to God and hopefully encourage others to build on their faith.

When the service was over, we all trooped downstairs to get coffee or tea and lots of my friends and acquaintances there came up to me and said how pleased they were to hear that there had been some small steps towards reconciliation between myself and my children (even though they are only tentative at the moment). At least, I have hope…..hope for a future for me and my family at last, and I am just so grateful and say again, ‘to God be the glory’! x 🙂

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

attitude of gratitude 2

My life is not perfect; far from it. I won’t go on to list all the things that are not how I’d like them to be but hey, nobody said life would be perfect! I will say my biggest upset is the total lack of contact with my children or my little grandchildren who I miss terribly. There is a fourth grandchild on the way but I doubt I’ll be allowed to have anything to do with that little mite when he/she enters the world. All my grandchildren are growing up not knowing they have a Nanny Ellie. I do not exist on this planet for them despite them all being in close proximity to me. 

On to other events. I can just see the glimmer of light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel I have been lodging in for so long. I dig my way through mud, shovel by shovel, clearing the beginnings of the path that will lead me out of this place. I long to reach the warm sunshine I can see lighting up the far end of this prison. I crawl and I claw my way, inch by inch nearer and nearer to my goal.  At last, pieces of my life are beginning to come together; important matters are finally falling into place. I don’t hesitate to list these as they are gradually bringing light and a warm glow into my life (minus my grandchildren, of course).

  • At last my new laptop has arrived, all shiny and new. No more trying to hump that great huge dinosaur of a computer about (I called it Triceratops for that reason). This one is as light as a feather and a dream to use, although it didn’t come cheap (but it did come with a credit card bill!). I’ve called it ‘Amy’ – don’t ask me why; no rhyme or reason – it just came to mind and has a friendly sound about it. 
  • I think, at long last, that I have found my spiritual home…thank you, God. It’s a really small, fairly run-down ramshackle hut of a building, but proudly painted with clean blue and white paint. The people there are so friendly and are already treating me like one of their family. I feel totally comfortable there. The Senior Minister is called Roger and he has a really wicked sense of humour. The services are simple but genuine, the songs are mostly modern and beautiful, the faith is strong, the sense of community is steadfast but mostly, I get treated like a human being, not like an obstacle in a wheelchair (which incidentally had new batteries fitted this week so it goes like a dream now). I’ve called my chair ‘Charlie’, the girl’s variation, naturally….women are better drivers! (No offence, fellas).
  • I am at last doing something about changing my care agency. I’ve been on to Adult Social Care and reiterated the fact that my current agency were no longer able to meet my needs. After much interviewing, I have found a care company who really do seem to care so I’ve just got to get the two lined up together with each other now. Not an easy task, I can assure you.
  • In addition, college starts back on the 10th September and I’m eager and raring to go! 
  • I’ve had my mobile phone, basic though it is, repaired so now I can be in touch with the word once again.
  • I had a birthday on Wednesday and three of my college friends surprised me and turned up with balloons, badges, flowers and gifts like I’ve never had before. I had a fantastic day with them. My birthdays are usually spent on my own, singing ”Happy birthday to me…” etc.

So, that is six reasons to be grateful that God is good and believe it or not, it hasn’t been easy to write bout the good stuff when I’m used to wallowing in the mire. I can become accustomed and far too ‘comfortable’ writing about all the negatives. But just once in a while, and I have to make the most of these rare moments, it’s good to bask in the sunshine. 🙂