COME RAIN, COME SHINE

rainy city gif

Well, for today, at least, I’ve turned up like the proverbial bad penny. I’ve missed a lot, I know, in the time I’ve been away – humble apologies for my lack of attention to all your blogs, my friends. I will try and catch up at some point if I can.

They say ‘it never rains, but it pours’ and it certainly has been tipping it down here in my neck of the woods. Today is the first day that I’ve been able to write anything for nearly a month, and I’ve almost forgotten what WordPress Land and my blog look like!

I am a jumble of emotions right now – quite a few negative ones, unfortunately, but a  few positives thrown in amongst them to break up the monotony.

  • My Mum has been in and out of the hospital for the last few weeks. She has now been diagnosed with an extremely rare syndrome that only affects one person in a million. We are trying to come to terms with it. She is now home with Care (which, being a very independent lady of 85, she is not happy about). Nevertheless, at least, I know she’s safe which is a good thing.
  • A not so good thing is that I am receiving nasty, blackmailing emails (again) from a member of my family. How lovely! I am dealing with that one with some difficulty but a lot of grit.
  • I’ve got major problems with Charlie (my wheelchair). He had two new batteries last week at a cost of nearly £300 (needless to say, that’s bumped up the balance due on my credit card), and now he needs a new motor which is going to add another £300 to my debt.
  • One of my favourite Carers is leaving which always unsettles me as I have to build up a trusting relationship with someone who is working that closely with me.
  • My son, Tom, is going back to court to fight for custody of my two grandchildren who are only three and one. Their mother is not taking care of them properly and Social Services, in their wisdom, are turning a very convenient blind eye to the situation.

So, now let me throw a few positives into the mix!

Now, perhaps the world is looking a little more like this.

rain on glass

  • My niece. Gemma (who is 23 which makes me feel quite ancient) has flown on her own (with the help of an aeroplane, naturally) halfway round the world to visit our family for the first time.
  • It gets even better now; my sister is also flying from the other side of the planet to visit me on 1st June. It’s going to be wonderful to see her and give her a real, warm and genuine hug as opposed to those non-touchy-feely cyber hugs that I usually have to send.
  • It’s Easter weekend and although I cannot get to church to celebrate (thanks to Charlie),  I can, at least, soak up the atmosphere of ‘Songs of Praise’ on my laptop and even join in with the singing if the mood so takes me.
  • My neighbour has just come back from holiday and I said I’d keep any eye on the house. As I cannot actually see her house from where I’m sat, it’s more like keeping an ear on her house as we are semi-detached and not a lot escapes my radar. She popped in on her return and has brought me a beautiful, neat bunch of daffodills which are my favourite spring flowers.
  • Good news too in that I have found a children’s ‘soft play area’, not far from where I live which means my son might be able to bring my two little ones to see me without the worry that they are in reach of all my medical equipment, sockets and general disability paraphernalia.

So, finally, perhaps the world is beginning to look a little like this again … x

small vase of daffodills

THE ART OF HUGGING

cute monkeys hugging

Hugging – have you seriously thought about hugging? It has multiple benefits, and we should all be doing more of it. If we were, half the wars and battles wouldn’t be taking place, and thank the Lord that no-one has invented an anti-hugging vaccination. Hugs are much more life-preserving and also far more pleasant than coming down with a nasty case of chickenpox or the flu.

Did you know that you need at least one hug a day for reassurance, two a day for survival, four for maintenance and eight for growth? This fact would explain why I am reasonably ‘happy little bunny’ still breathing, in reasonable ‘nick’ but only two-feet-and-eight-inches tall.

If anyone would like to contribute to another few inches of height, I wouldn’t object or turn you away.

Hugging is environmentally friendly and ecologically sound. It builds self-esteem and also builds strong arm and shoulder muscles both of which are far less costly than building another new block of apartments and therefore, is economically viable.

It slows down aging which probably means I’ll feel like I’m ninety-seven before I reach sixty given that I live alone and don’t have a handy partner or nearby children.

However, I do hug the odd friend, (as I tend to prefer my friends to be a little on the peculiar side, like myself rather than conventionally rational).

I have to confess that I have a rather unusual habit in that I have been, on the odd occasion, known to approach and embrace a complete stranger. Hugging in those circumstances is sometimes okay, especially when it is to offer comfort or solace.

However, there are times such as when it’s with the bus driver en route or a waiter with a full tray of tea and scones which are not a wise idea. Also, cuddling up with the airplane pilot of a Jumbo Jet in mid-flight, or offering an embrace with Her Majesty, The Queen in the middle of giving her Christmas speech, etc., it can be seen as somewhat inappropriate.

Hugging also releases the feel-good hormone, oxytocin that is nature’s anti-depressant, so if they were readily available, we would have a lot more warm and happy people about and a lot less diazepam/valium needed.

A first rate hug ideally needs to have two elements, a hugger, and a huggee, preferably willing participants and not someone like ‘The Incredible Hulk’ squeezing the life out of a reluctant Miniature Chihuahua. Likewise, a hug needs to be shared between two beings, or more if near to hand as clutching thin air is no better than attempting to embrace a boa-constrictor.

At this point, I should say that I am offering free demonstrations. In addition, all contributions to myself will be gratefully received as I am saving up for my Blue-Peter badge.

healing hugs

 

FEELING WHOLE :)

Just for once, i feel whole and complete today rather than fragmented as usual, although there are always broken fragments inside. Today, I feel content which makes a nice change from my usual highly stressed out self. Some of you who know me well will understand when is say ‘my real Baby Emily has come home at long last’ and that has made a huge difference.

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I’ve got through the whole day without a single panic attack and i’ve been pretty good with my eating too (ate most of the small meals my carers gave me), haven’t needed any extra, emergency medication and the pain i get with my disability is bearable today too (I just wish my legs worked!!). Well, i count myself lucky really…I have a good wheelchair which gets me about and I always think they’re are a hell of a lot of people who are worse off than me (and that is so true).

Yay! I even had my favourite carer come to me this evening – she’s lovely and is called Kim. We always have a hug…we’re both ‘huggy’ people. I’m not supposed to hug my carers but she is special. We are just, really on the same wavelength! When she leaves this care agency, we’re going to keep in touch (yes…I know were not supposed too!) and we’ll make the best of friends. I showed her my favourite song on here…’Brave’, sung by Sara Bareilles which means so very much to me as a survivor (and I am a survivor; I no longer choose to be a victim). I’m going to take this opportunity (and I hope you don’t mind), of reblogging this video which i put on an earlier post. I just love it. It took me best part of forty years for me to be able to ‘let the words fall out’, as the song says. I can stand up and speak my truth and I’m not ashamed of that today.

 

SURVIVOR

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Today, I feel different! Today, I feel good. Don’t know why, considering yesterday I was ready to throw the towel in. I guess it’s partly BPD (I can be suicidal one minute, and the next, as high as a kite, to say nothing of impulsive and emotionally all over the place and around and around i go)! Nevertheless, i’m making the most of it while it lasts. My therapy went well today; I received a publishing contract for my third book; I’ve made a great new blog/email friend; I’ve been happy; I’ve been angry: I’ve laughed; I’ve cried; I’ve shared my feelings (important) and that’s why i love these blogs of ours; I’ve been a loser; I’ve been a fighter. Most of all, I’ve been a survivor.

 

I know many of my friends here will be feeling low and down and desperate and I understand; I’ve been there; I’m more often not still there and may well be back in the mud again by tomorrow. But for now, I want to send you all, my friends… my love and many big hugs and want to share this YouTube clip of Katy Perry’s “Roar” which gave me a ‘lift’ today xxx 🙂