I’ve come to the awful realisation that my life revolves around my internet addiction. I’m ashamed to say that it’s now a need rather than a want and it’s become more than an interest or even a necessity to enable me to function adequately. I’m mortified that when I have guests, sometimes I can’t wait for them to leave or I finish a phone call to a friend prematurely so that I can feed my addiction and that’s just awful and plainly unacceptable.

When I first wake in the morning, I should be thinking about getting out of bed before my Carer arrives to help me get showered and dressed, and perhaps, thinking about whether to have Cornflakes or muesli for my breakfast. Instead of that, my first thought is that I’ve got to get up because I need to go and check my email accounts and log into my Facebook page and if I can’t justify that then I’ll check my Amazon order to see whether it’s going to be delivered today or tomorrow. Better still, I could take a look at my bank account details hoping I will find the balance is black rather than red.

I bring up my WordPress blog and sit, staring at the screen. I’m racking my brains for a topic to write my next post about yet my mind is completely blank, so I find myself casually wandering off to my Twitter account (not that I’ve quite got the grasp of how Twitter works yet). I come back to my blog because I want to read my fellow blogger’s latest posts. But, I often fail at that too because of the incessant need to get my next fix of scrolling across the screen or tapping on the keys.

Just lately, I haven’t been feeling too great (I’m getting over a persistent viral infection) and have spent far too much time online, wandering from page to page, so much so that my right index finger is sore and aching from clicking my mouse and scrolling up and down the page. How sad is that?

In the evening, after my Carer has left and I’ve had my tea and got my pyjamas on, I ought to be thinking about going to bed. I tell myself that I’ll just spend five more minutes surfing the net. But, I don’t do that – it turns into ten minutes and then fifteen and before I know it, an hour has passed. I start nodding off – my forehead nearly hitting the keyboard.

I’ve really got to go to bed as I have to be up early in the morning. Why do I have to get up so early the next morning? Not because I need to let the cat out or I really should make that international phone call. I don’t have those excuses – I don’t have a cat and the time difference between my friend and me means she will still be asleep in bed. No – I need to get up that early because my addiction to the internet means I have to connect to my laptop and start the whole damn process again.






navy fiesta car

My younger sister, *L* owns (or should I say past tense, owned) a little car that she has had for many years. It has served her well and got her out of many a fix. She used her little car for all sort of things including ferrying her three children back and forth to their school in the next village, shopping, getting to work etc. It didn’t have a name although if it were mine, I would have named it Clarissa, but then I’m odd like that; I name all sorts of personal but inanimate possessions (more about that in a later post) but I will admit that I am typing this post on ‘Triceratops’ which is my heavy, old dinosaur of a laptop as my new, lightweight ultrabook called ‘Harry’, named after the picture of a hedgehog on the sticker of its top, has also suffered a demise (much to my dismay).

I decided to write this little ditty for my sister *L in memory of her beloved little car:

Fiesta, navy, lady owner 1997 – 2015 – not for sale.
you’ve been the best of
friends for many years.
From preschool jigs
to metal gigs,
Tesco shops,
To station drops.
You’ve NEVER ever
let her down,
made her frown,
been late to town.
You have had a little park
of lichens, moss and woody bark!
Despite her quite uncanny lack
of spatial sense
You’ve stayed on track.
Your MOT runs out tonight,
at twelve o’clock
upon the dot.
No amount of loving care
will sadly get you back in gear.
You’ve really been a total star.
Thank you special little car.



Well, despite my Mum being very ill (see last post), I have decided to set myself some achievable goals or challenges! for 2015. As it is, I spend far too much time on my laptop, mostly working (writing) but also spending too much time observing Facebook and not enough time reading your blogs. I don’t get involved with Twitter simply because a) I don’t know how to and b) I would only spend more time on my laptop which defeats the object. So here they are:

  • To try and write at least two blogs (minimum) a week and to make more time to read your blogs, my friends.
  • To spend less time on Facebook.
  • To put my laptop down, turn the music off and read at least one chapter of a book every day.
  • To drink two glasses of fresh water a day to replace some of the diet coke I drink too much of mostly.
  • To chase up my Publisher who promised that my third book would be published this year (yes, I know it’s only January but I am keen to see it print).
  • To complete the next academic year at college.
  • Get myself to bed earlier.
  • Get involved in some voluntary work, even if in a small way.
  • Only to indulge in chocolate once in every two weeks (and then it has to be a small bar and not one of those family-size bars which I could easily sit down and scoff in one session…..and it has been known!!
  • Tidy the junk room.

So, will I, won’t I, time will tell!

Now for some unrealistic but ‘would like to do’ targets:

  • Get to the top of Mount Snowdon in my wheelchair! (see pic).
  • Read ‘War and Peace’ in one week.
  • Visit a different country (having never been abroad!).
  • Learn to become a computer whizz-kid.
  • Walk on the moon!
  • Put an end to all wars and suffering.
  • Fly an aeroplane single-handedly!
  • Win the Lottery (I don’t even do it!).
  • Find a cure for Cancer (seriously, that is. If only….).
  • Actually get 10 ‘Likes’ for this blog (highly unlikely)!

Well, there you go! A bit of commonsense mixed with a bit of imagination!

I guess I’ll have to achieve my first goal otherwise how would I plot my progress and more to the point, how will you be able to keep an eye on me to see if I actually do it?!

plan A


Well, if you listened to the video clip you know that just for a change, I’m feeling good! :). I have my fair share of problems in life (but then, who doesn’t?) and some of them are serious, some of the fleeting, some of them heartbreaking but today….well, today, I’m feeling good and decided to shout about it (unlike me, I know).


When I wrote my last post, I wasn’t feeling too great but some of the comments made by my friends here in blog-land really got me thinking in a positive way! So, today I am making the most of it! Am I on a bit of a high? Well, yes, quite probably but right now, I really don’t care! (Mind you, it’s about two hours after my bedtime but do I care? Does it matter? Nah!).

I’ve had a great day today – I’ve been to church, the first Advent Sunday service which is always special followed by copious amounts of coffee and scrumptious cake. Then I found myself volunteering to go into town with a group of church friends where we had a table and display stand and were helping interested children make felt snowmen or Christmas trees etc, complete with hats for the snowmen and carrots for noses and those wobbly eyes that move when you shake them. We gave out balloons to any passing children (those whose parents didn’t pull their child away as they were too busy xmas shopping!). I felt for those little kids as they gazed at the bright balloons on sticks longingly. Nevertheless, my stint down there for about two hours resulted in the giving away of about fifty-odd balloons and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it! In my distant mind were thoughts of my own grandchildren and how much I would have liked them to be part of all the jollity of it all but I tamed those thoughts and concentrated on my grand balloon achievement :).

Then I set off home in my electric wheelchair, smiling daftly at passers-by with children, still thinking I had balloons to give away….oh! I got really carried away!  I suddenly remembered that I had a friend coming round for coffee in one hour so it was a mad dash home, bombing down the cycle-path at top speed, burning rubber and I didn’t run anyone over in my enthusiasm! I just made it home in time to find above-mentioned friend complete with large parcel which had been delivered. I was thrilled to bits….it was something I had waited ages for and was much needed in my occupation….my shiny new, compact, lightweight laptop had been delivered and when we unpacked it, it was perfect…just what I’d wanted and saved so long for. So, of course that added to the excitement and exuberance of the day. So… I am with my eyelids drooping, knowing I have to get up for college tomorrow and I won’t have anywhere enough sleep….but after today, do I care? Nah! I’ve had a wonderful today.

…..and so to bed; well, “time for bed”….said Zebedee (for those of us who are old enough to remember The Magic Roundabout)! Goodnight all x 🙂

happy day


attitude of gratitude 2

My life is not perfect; far from it. I won’t go on to list all the things that are not how I’d like them to be but hey, nobody said life would be perfect! I will say my biggest upset is the total lack of contact with my children or my little grandchildren who I miss terribly. There is a fourth grandchild on the way but I doubt I’ll be allowed to have anything to do with that little mite when he/she enters the world. All my grandchildren are growing up not knowing they have a Nanny Ellie. I do not exist on this planet for them despite them all being in close proximity to me. 

On to other events. I can just see the glimmer of light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel I have been lodging in for so long. I dig my way through mud, shovel by shovel, clearing the beginnings of the path that will lead me out of this place. I long to reach the warm sunshine I can see lighting up the far end of this prison. I crawl and I claw my way, inch by inch nearer and nearer to my goal.  At last, pieces of my life are beginning to come together; important matters are finally falling into place. I don’t hesitate to list these as they are gradually bringing light and a warm glow into my life (minus my grandchildren, of course).

  • At last my new laptop has arrived, all shiny and new. No more trying to hump that great huge dinosaur of a computer about (I called it Triceratops for that reason). This one is as light as a feather and a dream to use, although it didn’t come cheap (but it did come with a credit card bill!). I’ve called it ‘Amy’ – don’t ask me why; no rhyme or reason – it just came to mind and has a friendly sound about it. 
  • I think, at long last, that I have found my spiritual home…thank you, God. It’s a really small, fairly run-down ramshackle hut of a building, but proudly painted with clean blue and white paint. The people there are so friendly and are already treating me like one of their family. I feel totally comfortable there. The Senior Minister is called Roger and he has a really wicked sense of humour. The services are simple but genuine, the songs are mostly modern and beautiful, the faith is strong, the sense of community is steadfast but mostly, I get treated like a human being, not like an obstacle in a wheelchair (which incidentally had new batteries fitted this week so it goes like a dream now). I’ve called my chair ‘Charlie’, the girl’s variation, naturally….women are better drivers! (No offence, fellas).
  • I am at last doing something about changing my care agency. I’ve been on to Adult Social Care and reiterated the fact that my current agency were no longer able to meet my needs. After much interviewing, I have found a care company who really do seem to care so I’ve just got to get the two lined up together with each other now. Not an easy task, I can assure you.
  • In addition, college starts back on the 10th September and I’m eager and raring to go! 
  • I’ve had my mobile phone, basic though it is, repaired so now I can be in touch with the word once again.
  • I had a birthday on Wednesday and three of my college friends surprised me and turned up with balloons, badges, flowers and gifts like I’ve never had before. I had a fantastic day with them. My birthdays are usually spent on my own, singing ”Happy birthday to me…” etc.

So, that is six reasons to be grateful that God is good and believe it or not, it hasn’t been easy to write bout the good stuff when I’m used to wallowing in the mire. I can become accustomed and far too ‘comfortable’ writing about all the negatives. But just once in a while, and I have to make the most of these rare moments, it’s good to bask in the sunshine. 🙂



Dear Friends,

I’m declaring war on technology for at least this weekend! Or rather, it’s declaring war on me….


My lovely new, trusted friend, my HP Ultrabook, has died and gone to the HP hospital in the hope they can resuscitate it! I am currently typing on an old dinosaur of a computer that is too heavy for me to lift and the keys are difficult for me to press down so I’m not going to battle with it any longer.


So, this is just a brief ‘au revoir’ post to say I apologize if I don’t ‘Like’, ‘Comment’ or even read your blogs, for a short while, my friends. It’s nothing personal so please don’t take it as such. I won’t even be able to get email notification that you have posted any so sorry too if I miss anyone out either during or on my return from my technology vacation. My Tablet doesn’t work; I don’t possess an iPhone and my trusty old Nokia mobile phone only has text and phone facilities on it! Yes, it is old.

So, I’m taking a break. The TV is going off. The music playing on the CD, stopped. No daily news. Just quiet.

And in the silence, to which I am very unaccustomed, I am just going to enjoy the peace and spend my time catching up on half-read books and starting new ones and spending time with the Lord.

open bible

So bless you all and I will see you all on my return.

Hugs, Ellie xxx 🙂


I’m absolutely shattered again today and it’s entirely my own fault (I think, anyway). I went to bed far too late, had four hours sleep (not enough for me) and had to be up at 5.30am as my carers come at 6.30am latest.

I don’t know why i don’t allow myself to go to bed at a reasonable time, when i am sleepy or exhausted. I just don’t! Sometimes i think i don’t deserve the comfort of my lovely, cosy bed, snuggly duvet and even snugglier bear! So then, i carry on writing my book, reading, blogging, chatting on Facebook etc., anything to avoid going to bed! Stupid? Maybe.Others disagree and suggest ideas, sympathize etc where some just simply berate me, telling me quite firmly that it is my own fault. Is it? Given what i have had to go through in my life as blogged about in many earlier posts, some people have suggested it’s just another form of self-harm which is pretty feasible given that i have only recently (almost) stopped cutting and i am still borderline anorexic. I really think there might be something in that but how do i stop? I know i am disabled and can do very little physical activity, but i spend my days walking around (well, sitting in my case) like a zombie.


If i get carried away with writing my book or my blog, which i often do, i can easily be up past two o’clock in the morning and sometimes decide that it’s not worth going to bed at all when it’s that late as i’d have to be up two to three hours later. Why is it i seem to have lots of ideas pop up into my head just as the time when everyone else has gone to bed? I’m nearly always at my keyboard from early in the morning till very late at night. I know this isn’t good for me either. I’ve been told many a time, i should take a break from peering at the screen, quite frequently and that having my laptop on my lap (which was the main purpose of buying it) isn’t good either as electrical equipment like laptops give off vibes that can affect the body physically. It can affect both men and women’s fertility, for example; it can affect eyesight and the brain with continued use. It’s not good for my posture either as i am bent over the keyboard rather than sitting up with my back straight. I already have osteoporosis in my spine and hips so i’m not helping myself much there either.

Just occasionally, (well, if i’m honest it’s most nights), i’ll nod off, sitting in my chair, for a short while or even wake to find myself literally slumped onto the keyboard resulting in a very stiff neck and usually about a million or so ‘a’s or ‘z’s typed out on to the page which then all have to be deleted, or it’s sometimes easier to scrap the whole article, post etc and start again from scratch! Great! 

And as i’ve said before, often i wake up to find the letters ‘QWERTY’ embossed into my forehead and across my nose! Not exactly a fashionable look! I have got to do something about this ridiculous situation!


(photo credit ‘Shutterstock’ from Bing Images)





Names, names, names! What’s in a name? Believe it or not, i have spent the last three hours, thinking of a name to use as a pseudonym for my new book. I’ve searched on Google, Bing, Ask etc for lists of names; they’re endless! Choosing one was a nightmare…did it sound right…did it flow…did i make sure the initials don’t spell out something rude?! I’ve searched through lists of surnames by A-Z, by origin, nationality, popularity etc, and first names just about everywhere under the sun! There’s lists of baby girl names, baby boy names, names by meaning, names by how many syllables, modern names, historical names, etc, etc, etc. I will be dreaming of names all night…that’s if i ever get to bed!


The number of nights, i’ve sat up late, writing more of my book, into the night and sometimes the early hours of the morning and even occasionally getting completely carried away and not going to bed at all, either that or i nod off literally on my laptop keyboard and wake with a stiff neck and QWERTY stamped into my forehead. I then end up spending the next day absolutely shattered and regretting my keenness. But i love writing…I am passionate about it which is just as well as i have little else to get passionate about, at least not in the ‘men’ stakes anyway (no offence, gents)! Not that i have time for men with all the writing i do.


My children are grown and moved away, my ex-husband has now remarried and is living in Taiwan, i don’t have a huge number of friends (but then i always think ‘quality not quantity’). I am physically disabled which limits what i can do around the house, i have various other non-interesting conditions as well as plenty of mental health labels stuck to me too, particularly BPD and PTSD as i’ve blogged about before so therefore i have plenty of time on my hands for my passion.


Blogging is very different to writing a book. I’m more relaxed about it which i ought not to be as i daresay many more people follow my blog (and that’s not that many!) than will read my books. My publisher is a very small, specialist publisher. He doesn’t charge me anything for publishing, editing, printing etc but then i don’t get much in the way of royalties back, not that i write for that reason and therefore it doesn’t bother me in the least. I wasn’t born to be rich. I’ve had to struggled financially all my adult life but there are many more  people far worse off than I am.


As you may have noticed, the tone of my blog varies from day to day, ranging from the very serious, deeply upsetting real-life facts to the more light-hearted truths. My Posts, i’ve decided, have BPD themselves, as everyday they go up and down like a bloody yoyo!