I am really not good today at all. I needed to write this morning. I wrote this in a Word document so please excuse its length and layout as I have copied and pasted my writing here because I am desperate to get out of the spaghetti in my head, the madness of my mind.
MY REALITY – FEELINGS
My feelings are totally out of control this morning – so much so that I needed to write them down.
I have a knot in my stomach the size of a football. I feel completely overcome by my BPD in that my impulsivity and mood changes have got totally out of control and are wreaking havoc all over the place.
I no longer know my own mind and I wake with fear in my heart because I can barely remember yesterday because I was so high. Today, I’m not – I’ve sunk like a battleship shot down out at sea. My mood is desperately low – almost at rock bottom with no cause and to the extent that I feel like taking a lot of medication and just going to sleep and not waking up because I can’t cope with everything being so out of control and the consequences of my actions.
I wear a mask, big time. I am a fraud, I am a liar, I am a trickster, I am not to be trusted, and I am evil. People think I’m this sweet natured, kind woman and I do try, genuinely to be kind to people and treat others as I would like to be treated myself. But underneath all that is this scheming, selfish, self-indulgent, irresponsible, not to be trusted person. Preferably, I am not to be touched by a bargepole. I should be locked up in a cage until the wildness in me stills a bit.
I am like a stormy day after a rainbow. Yesterday, I had the most wonderful day with church in the morning which set me up for the day. Then I had lunch with Becky, awkward at first but then we soon fell in love again as soul sisters and my thoughts and imagination soared to the unrealistic, ridiculous, impulsive, high-as-a-kite, chancing the ‘impossible’ and taking on challenges far outside my reach and yesterday, I was so convinced I was ‘me’. ‘Me’ transformed myself into Becky’s shadow and took on her characteristics and mannerisms – I blended in with her, with her enthusiasm for where we were going, what we were doing, how we ate, how we drank a cup of tea. I just wasn’t in control. I had blended into Becky’s personality. Where was I? And who is ‘me’. I don’t exist or at least I wish I didn’t. I just want to be a figment of my imagination that will float away in the breeze to nothingness.
My heart is so low this morning – it is in my belly, in my toes, leaking out of the bottom of my feet and desperately trying to evaporate into nothingness.
My carer is due any minute. I must get my ‘front’ ready to put on, my mask once again. To hear myself saying what a wonderful day I had yesterday when truly, that was not me. My spirit of reality had been flying like a kite then but that was not the real me. Who is the real me? I am a nothingness, a fake, a-should-be non-existent, failing, entity.
Now, I find myself writing this rubbish! Now, Debbie is due to come any second – can I get my mask on today? Will I see her walk through the door, smile, say good morning, and give her a long-time-no-see sort of hug although it’s only been since yesterday morning when I was someone else who I can barely recall. I am lost in my head.
I have the ‘door people’ and the shopping coming between 10 – 11am and I have to be real and ok and normal (what is normal? It doesn’t exist on my planet) when I really want to curl up and disappear inside of myself like a snail retreating into his shell after being startled and rocking in the world when really I am not there at all. I want to die. Right now, I wish I was dead so I didn’t have these wild, impulsive, desperately emotional, uncontrollable thoughts.
OMG. Debbie is here. Get the front ready. Get the armour on. Get the smile out, polished and gleaming.