I went to my drumming the night before last Our group was small, but the beat was fast I played on the bass and the conga drum It’s a casual group, and we have so much fun
Someone on cymbals; another played chimes The latter helps us to play in time The tambourines made a jangling sound We played together; the music profound
Passion abounded as we played out our hearts And before we knew it, an hour had passed Time to stop for some snacks and a brew* Then, in walked three men that none of us knew
I was really frightened; who were these men? Walking amongst us like familiar friends They sat themselves down like they belonged there I wanted to run, but I was too full of fear
They said not to move as they carried knives So there was no way we were risking our lives Sitting silently, hoping they would go Was this a nightmare or a horror show?
They started to damage our instruments Our fear and anxiety were so immense Drunk off their faces but high on cocaine We thought we’d never get out again
One of our group took out their phone It got grabbed and onto the floor it was thrown Then they suddenly left; every single one It was over as quickly as it had begun
We called the police but they couldn’t come Too busy, they said; we sat feeling numb They’d call round to see us the following day Asked if we were hurt and were we okay
We picked up the pieces; couldn’t wait to get out What the hell was that all about? I came home still shocked and went straight to bed Will this ordeal ever leave my head?
*A brew is a common British word for a pot or mug of tea.
I’ve been sitting here all day, staring at the clock I’m trying to write a poem, but I’ve got writer’s block I’ve got several partly written, but none of them seem right As I’m looking at this naked page where everything is white
I’m getting so frustrated; oh, come on, get on with it I’m stuck on what to write, and time’s getting on a bit Get your brain in gear, dear; don’t sit there in a huff I know you’re getting bored, and you’ve really had enough
I could try again tomorrow, but I want to write today There’s a lot on my mind, and so much I want to say I’m refusing to give in and will not give up the fight If I have to sit here crying all the way through the night
It’s coming up to dinner time; I’ve not got anywhere I think I’ve lost the knack; at least, that’s what I fear I could watch the telly, but the signal is on the blink So, I sit here, mind vacant, and I don’t know what to think
I’m at the point of giving up, but I’ll know I’ll be so cross If only I could say that I don’t give a blooming toss. But, no, I simply can’t, as I was hell-bent on achieving Now, I’ve lost all my words, and I sit here sadly, grieving.
I never remember my dreams, but last night, I woke up at 2.30am in a state of panic and fear. I’d had a nightmare, only this time, I remembered it vividly. I have no idea where it came from; I hadn’t been talking to anyone about my experience, and it wasn’t in my mind yesterday. I’m left wondering why I would remember this now. As I wrote this, I was shaking, recalling every detail as if it were yesterday. These are my memories of that time.
I remember when I was five. and only very small I got measles and constant nosebleeds and had to go into hospital
It was called ‘The German Hospital’ It treated contagious infections I was scared and wanted my teddy bear At five, I needed affection
But it turned out to be a prison and I was shut up all day in a cot and when Mummy and Daddy left me there I was only a little tot
Hardly anyone came to see me I was in total isolation Even the nurses who came every few hours just gave me nasty medication
I couldn’t get out of the cot though I’d stand there and call and cried Surrounded by four solid walls and trapped in there, inside
And I added my own tooth marks to those that were there before on the cot rail, in utter despair hoping someone would walk through the door
Not another child did I see the whole time I was in there Mummy and Daddy didn’t visit much and nobody seemed to care
Not even an ounce of kindness did I get in that awful place and I stood for hours, rocking my cot with tears streaming down my face.
I’m suddenly so busy; I don’t know where to start I decided last week to try my hand at art Monday morning came, and I trotted off to town Got soaked on the way as the rain thundered down
The art group was crowded, taking turns with the paint and I really do not have the patience of a saint I left rather early as I didn’t want to wait with half a piece of work that I didn’t think was great
Tuesday morning is my own; perhaps time to write I’m short on ideas, so will my piece be trite? My imagination frazzled; do I really want to try, or shall I stop here and now and simply say goodbye?
Tuesday afternoon, I’m at the gardening group It gets pretty chilly; I was glad I’d taken soup But nothing’s really growing, and the flowers are dead I’ll wait till the spring and do something else instead
Wednesday night, I’m drumming; I have a brilliant time I’m really in my element and feeling quite sublime Thursday afternoons, I pick litter in the park We walk around in twos like the creatures in the Ark
Friday comes around, and I have time for myself I just cannot settle like the Elf on the Shelf* I ought to read or write, but my concentration’s poor not helped by the postman who is knocking at my door
Saturday at last, and I am seeing my best friend I hope that our relationship will never, ever end We’ll have lunch together; dip our biscuits in our tea We think so similarly, and we rarely disagree
And finally, Sunday comes, and I’m free to lie in bed I sleep too heavily and wake up with a sore head The shopping comes from Tesco; now there’s food to eat I snuck a bar of chocolate in; my happiness complete!
*Elf on the Shelf (for those who don’t know it) is a classic game that children get involved in at Christmas. There is a toy elf, and the parents/carers place it in different places around the home every night, so delighted children think the elf is moving around itself. My youngest grandchildren are sure that the elf is magic because of this!
I feel lost without the space where I once sat And the easy way I used to be able to chat About so much that was bothering me Dealing with it all in my now absent therapy
I’m now on a waiting list; I hope a place comes soon Feelings and sentiments are confusingly strewn What to do with all this time that goes so slowly by Waiting for a new assessment; I hope I qualify
I miss the reassurance that I could cope I like to think I can, and I still have that hope I must find other means with which to fill my days Emotion, when choked back, finds other ways
I’ve found myself with lots of empty holes to fill I somehow have the energy; I need to find the will Thought I’d visit a workshop to try my hand at art A brand new shiny hobby I could possibly start
Wednesday night, I’m going to circle drumming Listen to guitars in the next room gently strumming Beating the drums will get pent-up feelings out Dispelling anxious tension, I have no doubt
I don’t need to be perfect; just try to keep the beat It’s easy to catch on to; no need to be discreet It’s about celebrating life and having lots of fun I’m passionate about it, and I’m not the only one
Thursday afternoons, I’ll go out picking litter Even when the weather is absolutely bitter I’m with a group of people; wouldn’t dare to go alone Filling council bags with rubbish that’s been thrown
Papers, tickets, fag ends scattered in the park It keeps us very busy until it’s almost dark Doing something positive to while away the time As out of my despair, I’m slowly learning to climb.
As some of you will know, I had my last therapy session with my therapist, Chris, this afternoon. I’m not going to say it wasn’t tough because it was. We talked about what progress I’d made, even when I felt I wasn’t making any. We spoke about my poetry and whether I was going to continue writing. I am, naturally. I NEED to write – it’s the breath from my soul, and I would be lost and speechless without it. After I got home, admittedly in floods of tears, I wrote this poem to clear my mind and express my thoughts.
I’m thinking of taking a short break – not from writing, but, just for a while, from trying to keep up with all the blogs I follow (and that’s a lot) because I need some headspace to take stock of what I’m feeling, what I need and where I want to go from here. I will still be here and will, at least, try to read some blogs when I’m able to. I hope you will all understand.
Thank you so much to each of you who have been beside me and supported me through such a difficult few months. I’m eternally grateful. I’ll be back before too long.
With my love, Ellie Xx 💗🤍💗
~~~
My last session left me feeling distraught I’m not being brave like I know I ought Just before leaving, I asked for a hug The answer was no, and I felt like a mug
She did, momentarily, hold my hand Just briefly, though, as hugging was banned I thought that this was so very kind It calmed my heart and soothed my mind
I duly filled out the last questionnaire To see, on the whole, how well I’d faired I could see my progress, and more than a bit I was somewhat surprised; I have to admit
Now, I have to wait for quite some time I’ve got an awful long way to climb I won’t be with Chris, but someone new I hope I can bond with that person, too
She said it’ll be months before I’m seen I’m wondering what I can do in between I’m trying to find some way to cope without completely losing all hope
I owe it to Chris, and I owe it to me Not to turn this day into a tragedy I hope I’ll be able to continue to write It helps me to battle, and it helps me fight
I’m debating whether to take time out To let myself fully get over this bout I want to write, but less time to read Right now, I have to do what I need.
“The last time always seems sad, but it isn’t really. The end of one thing is only the beginning of another.”
I know it’s New Year, and much joy abounds but I’m full of despair, and it’s really profound I’m trying to enter into the spirit of things but I know this week is carrying the sting
Last night, bells rang, and glasses were clinked I sat here alone, and all I could think was the fear inside of me is here to stay It filled me with utter and complete dismay
At Christmas time, I had my family here and just for a while, it allayed all my fears The children were great; I was thankful to see Then, darkness descended, crippling me
I’m trying to hang on to a morsel of hope when the whole of me is fighting to cope I feel like my world will collapse forever as my therapy ends; our relationship severed
I’ve written a letter to say thank you so much I’m longing for a hug or a gentle touch I know it’s unlikely; it’s not meant to be Boundaries are there for Chris* and for me
I’m dreading Wednesday coming this week I can’t see a future, not even a peek My body is shaking; my head full of fear The feeling of grief rises up to appear.
* Chris is my therapist/counsellor (until Wednesday)
NOTE: Forgive me a while if I can’t read your writing I love you all, but I’m tired of the fighting.
Christmas Day was miserable; completely on my own I really felt the odd man out, just dwelling all alone But Boxing Day was different, with family being here My son and the little ones; I hold them all so dear
The children’s eyes lit up as they saw all the wrapping Both of them excited, and Charlie started clapping Off came the paper, the ribbons and the bows Imogen’s gifts all lined up in neat, tidy rows
The afternoon was spent playing with their new toys I didn’t mind for one minute all the chat and noise Tom brought their dinner as they wouldn’t eat nut roast We all enjoyed our food, and Tom ate the most
It was a joy to have them here; they stayed overnight New pyjamas, bedtime stories and all tucked up tight Tom and I got chatting – it made a welcome change It didn’t seem quite natural, so felt a bit strange
We ironed out our differences, which did us both good My Christmas Day sadness seemed to be understood The next day, we got up very early in the morning The children were still tired; Charlie couldn’t stop yawning
They piled all their presents high in the car’s large boot They waved out of the windows and headed on their route I came back indoors to start clearing up the mess I really wasn’t bothered as I felt so very blessed
Tuesday morning came, more excitement on the way My daughter and her family came; we had a lovely day We went to a restaurant, had lunch and some pud Stuffed to the brim, as the food was so good
I hadn’t seen them all for much more than half a year So, it was such a pleasure to have them visiting here They didn’t stay that long; they had a fair way to go When I’ll see them again, I really don’t know
As long as the love between us is always there There’ll always be memories for us to share I love both my children; they bring me so much joy My five-foot-nothing daughter and my six-foot-two boy.
‘Lonely this Christmas’, the song sung originally by Elvis Presley. Here, sung by MUD. Lyrics shown below text.
It’s Christmas Day, and here I am, sitting all alone while my son plays happy families at his ex-girlfriend’s home* I woke this morning – early – as I very often do feeling pessimistic, low in mood and deeply blue
No cards on the table or presents on the chair No tree in the corner, no tinsel; do I care? I speak sternly to myself, for does it really matter I’ve eaten all the mince pies and am only getting fatter
I miss talking to my Mum so frequently today She passed away six years ago, almost to the day I miss our laughs, shared over long-distance cups of tea My heart hurts without her, my darling bonne amie
I cooked a Christmas dinner; I ate enough for two I really should have guessed it; that’s what I always do I haven’t had my pudding yet, served with vegan cream I’m bursting at the seams because I go to the extreme
My friend was going to phone me, but she hasn’t got the time so I replied, ‘don’t worry – I’ll be absolutely fine’ I’m sure that she believed me, my every single word But I knew that my sentiments had gone totally unheard
Pull yourself together, girl; it’s really not that bad I’ve plenty to be grateful for; I ought not to be sad I wonder if the future holds any more of the same I honestly don’t want to play this lonely, tired game
Peanut [cat] isn’t well; she’s completely off her food Or perhaps, she is only picking up on my sombre mood I’m longing for my bedtime to finish this long day Tomorrow will be better when the children come to play.
* Explanation for this line …
I really don’t know what I’ve done wrong this year. I feel very excluded and ignored this Christmas. My son, Tom, is separating from his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend). He’s found a new partner whom he loves very much, and they are buying a new house together. Tom and his ex. have been trying to sell their house, but it’s proving difficult in this present economic climate.
For no apparent reason, Tom decided to spend Christmas with his ex., his ex’s three adult girls and his ex’s parents. I met them all before on a previous Christmas Day about four years ago. We all got on okay. I don’t understand why I wasn’t included this year – I just know that it hurts – it hurts very much. Tom only has the children every other year, so the next Christmas I can spend with them will be in two years’ time. By then, my granddaughter will be at secondary school! Children grow up so quickly.
LYRICS
Try to imagine a house that’s not a home Try to imagine a Christmas all alone That’s where I’ll be Since you left me My tears could melt the snow What can I do Without you I’ve got no place, no place to go
It’ll be lonely this Christmas Without you to hold It’ll be lonely this Christmas Lonely and cold It’ll be cold so cold Without you to hold This Christmas
Each time I remember the day you went away And how I would listen to the things you had to say I just break down, as I look around And the only things I see Are emptiness and loneliness And an unlit Christmas Tree
It’ll be lonely this Christmas Without you to hold It’ll be lonely this Christmas Lonely and cold It’ll be cold so cold Without you to hold This Christmas
You remember last year, when you and I were together We never thought there’d be an end And I remember looking at you then And I remember thinking that Christmas must have been made for us ‘Cause darlin’, this is the time that you really need love When it means so very very much
So it’ll be lonely this Christmas Without you to hold It’ll be so very lonely Lonely and cold
It’ll be lonely this Christmas Without you to hold It’ll be lonely this Christmas Lonely and cold It’ll be cold so cold Without you to hold This Christmas
Ellie Thompson's World 