Tag: Psychology

Dancing in the Shadows

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy: https://www.pexels.com/photo/grayscale-photo-of-a-woman-in-double-exposure-10668021/

Reality she feigns so well

Till the closet doors slam shut

A sureness of the truth becomes

A feeling from the gut

~~~

She’s dancing in the shadows

Tar running through her veins

Weaving webs of gossamer

Till nothing pure remains

~~~

Just then her hushed emotions

Tucked carefully away

Go screeching to the hills

As night follows on from day

~~~

The darkness wears disguises

Where her heart and soul had been

Closely guarded secrets

Always clever, never seen

~~~

And the devil burns so brightly

When the skeletons come out

The enigma slowly surfacing

Until there is no doubt

The Shadow

I see a shadow in the mirror that I barely recognise

But a stranger in my room? No, I think not

But then, could I be mistaken? I’m not sure if I’d know

So, I carefully take aim and fire a shot

~~~

There’s a scream to be heard but is it him or is it me?

Is he wounded, lying bleeding on the floor?

Does my heart possess a scar or open wound to see?

Or has he crept very quietly out the door?

~~~

But, it’s late now; nearly black and the night is pulling in

Can you see him? Is he hiding out the back?

I am cautious, naturally; almost scared to take a look

Is he sane; a simple fool; a maniac?

~~~

There’s a monster in my mirror, and he’s staring back at me

Leave politely, shut the door and go away!

He won’t listen to my pleading, and he doesn’t hear me cry

Now it’s dark, and he’s bedded down to stay.

(Image source unknown)

AN INQUIRING MIND

Psychology Forensic The Justice System

I’ve discovered a new passion, proving that you’re never too ‘old’ or middle-aged in my case, to find new loves (not of the romantic variety either, at least, not in my case). Since being in college, I’ve developed a real interest in learning about new subjects. Nothing unusual about that,  but I was denied this opportunity when I was back in High School having been told by my teachers that I ‘wasn’t clever enough’. My current term with my present college ends late this summer, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it.

I recently applied to do a new course, at the same college, in Psychology, Forensics and The Justice System, and I found out today that I’ve been accepted. I am so thrilled! It’s only part-time and at an elementary level, but it will give me the experience to decide whether I want to follow this up with a more advanced qualification. The course doesn’t start until next January, and I’m itching to get started already. I wonder whether I’ll finally develop a liking for Judge Judy or Judge Rinder, of television fame.

Not content with that, I want to fill the Autumn Term gap with learning about another interest of mine, a short evening course (now the evenings are lighter), in hearing loss and British Sign Language. Although I don’t have any hearing loss, my Mum, when she was alive, struggled with this. British Sign Language has always fascinated me, ever since I was young when I learned the deaf alphabet on my fingers. It would be good to develop that a bit more. I think I’ll enjoy that.

I do realise that I am very fortunate in having the spare time to follow some of my ‘dreams’. Dreams may seem like a big word when describing something as ordinary as education. However, I’ve never really hanckered after travelling the world, marrying a rich man or becoming Prime Minister. My dream, simply, is to fulfil my potential which was denied to me when I was growing up … so, here I am at very lively age of sixty finally achieving those dreams.

 

 

GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE (RANT)

mental and physical health

Why does everything have to be a battle? I think, sometimes, the world revolves around money, [as well as politics, religion and small-minded people who think they have a right to take innocent lives, but in the light of the very recent killings in Orlando, I don’t intend to go into that here].

On a much more personal (and perhaps selfish) note, I have spent the last three months fighting for funding to allow me to keep the basic disability care that I need every day. I appreciate that I am very fortunate to have any care at all when there are so many people without care, both in developed countries and even more so in third-world countries. You may ask why I don’t provide fully for myself financially – the answer being that I am not able to work because I am studying – and that is in order to get back to some useful work. I only wish I had a wealthy or affluent partner or family on tap but that is not the case.

Currently, the Social Care Department are now arguing with me as to whether I need my electric wheelchair as opposed to a manual one.  They are prepared to supply me with a standard wheelchair which, yes, would get me about in my home with some assistance needed but would be hopeless if I wanted to have more than an indoor or very limited lifestyle.

There would be no more getting into the town for food and shopping as well as going to University, where I am studying  for a degree in Psychology and Public Health so that I can go out [ironically, in my electric wheelchair] and operate both economically and productively in society. Other necessary journeys would also be curtailed and therefore, out of the question. Don’t they get it? My wheelchair is my legs. I feel it would make far more sense if I were able to live a life outside of my home where I can function, independently, realistically and be able to earn enough to enable me to buy my own electric wheelchair which would solve the problem altogether.

Can’t they see how short-sighted they are? If I can’t remain as independent as I currently am, it is very likely to impact on my mental health. I could require more care from mental health resources which would, in turn, affect my physical health. This would lessen my chances of returning to work. This would be more of a drain on the Government Health Department and cost them much more in the long term.

My mental health, that is my Emotional Intensity Disorder (EID), also known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is no secret from them, nor my friends and family or indeed my WordPress followers. It is a day-to-day struggle just to stay on an even keel as things are now and attempt to support myself. I live my life positively in general, and I wish for that status quo to remain. However, it does affect my life in a big way but, I neither feel sorry for myself nor expect the world to be handed to me on a plate. When it comes down to it, I just want to live a fulfilling and useful life and be of much use to my friends, family, society in general and the world as possible.

Currently, I now feel physically and mentally exhausted. Is it selfish, at this point, to say that, yes, I do also want to be as happy and content as I can possibly be for myself too?

Rant over.

FINDING POSITIVITY :)

Well…..It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog. I’ve been really down lately and recovering from my accident too. Anyway, I’m on the mend and feeling brighter. In fact I feel pretty good as the end of this week has come and quite a lot of that has to do with a guy at my college called *Jonathan* who is one of our brilliant Peer Support team.

I had a really bad session in our ‘Hearing Voices’ group on Wednesday, basically because ‘my people’ in my head (my voices) were all trying to compete with each other and also all the other students’ experiences of voices being described. The chatting got quite intense and a bit loud at times and ‘Chloe’ got scared and we decided to make a run for it. I just had to get out of there so I left in a daze and can’t really remember coming home in my wheelchair. Once I got, I put into practice some of the Mindfulness techniques I had learned in previous courses at college which really helped calmed me down and quietened my mind which was a considerable relief.

I went back to college on Friday and asked to chat with Jonathan. We went to a quiet room and I talked about everything I was feeling, what the session brought up for me and why I panicked. We shared our experiences which was really valuable and I opened up about some of my past ‘taboo’ issues. I really felt like and knew that Jonathan understood my feelings really well. Our chat became really positive….I shared some of my plans for my future which included doing an Open University course/degree in Psychology which I am currently looking into. I also said that when I’ve done and understood all of my courses there, I would like to become a Peer Support myself. I feel I have a good and kind understanding of other peoples’ feelings and experiences and with a bit of guidance and training, I think I would be pretty good at it and am feeling really optimistic at the thought or helping other students with similar problems to me and working/volunteering in a learning environment. We must have chatted for nearly two hours but Jonathan had really helped to ‘dig me out of my hole’ and left me feeling really positive.

man and woman chatting over coffee

After a mug of coffee, I got together with my friend, *Maddy* who was there, and between us we have been designing our college Christmas card which I really enjoyed. It was a Mixed Media project and I think we achieved our goal. The cards will be printed off to give to all our students and other interested organizations at Christmas. I enjoyed working with Maddy and when our task was complete we felt a real sense of satisfaction. I left college that day feeling ‘just great’ and most of all I felt I had contributed something valuable and that in the context of this big wide world, I did matter. I have a place and a purpose. I may not have many of the things in my life that I would like to have but I so appreciate what I do have and am, today, feeling really good, content, and dare I say it, all things given, that I am happy!

smile emoticon