Tag: sadness

The Journey – A Poem

Most of you who know me will have learned that my desperately-needed counselling has to come to an end on the 4th of January 2023 (straight after the New Year). I’m on a two-week break over Christmas at the moment. You know how terrified I am of being without Chris. I’m still on a long waiting list to enable me to see someone else; this is likely to be months rather than weeks. All the things and emotions I’ve shared with her, some of which I’ve never shared with anyone before, where do they go? Do I have to begin all over again with a new person? I’m not sure I coud bear that.

I wanted to write something for Chris to express my gratitude for all the work we’ve done together, but also to share my fear of coping without her to speak to every Wednesday.

THE JOURNEY

I wanted to write something purely for you
to say thank you for all that you’ve done and do
I came, and you helped me to open my heart
You’ve listened to poems and seen bits of art

You’ve travelled my journey alongside with me
through all the depression and anxiety
We tried to deal with my muddled eating
That was the first thing we intended treating

But, then came the flashbacks of child sex abuse
A crime committed with no good excuse
I shared secrets I’d never discussed before
Felt guilty as hell as I stared at the floor

You’ve been by my side and witnessed my pain
Taught me I’m worthy and have lots to gain
You’ve reassured me I wasn’t to blame
and helped me let go of the awful shame

Trying to deal with my anger was tough
I couldn’t scream or shout loud enough
I did once throw hard clay at the chair
Tried to imagine the bastard sat there

I poured out my soul in words, rhyme and tears
and looked at my strengths and all of my fears
I’m so grateful to you for hearing my truth
of long, long ago, back in my youth

You’ve listened to secrets and made me feel brave
and I’m dreading our final goodbye and last wave
How do I live with this loss and my pain?
I just can’t believe I won’t see you again.

With my love, Ellie Xxx 🖤🖤🖤



Searching For Tomorrow

Photo by Christian Gertenbach on Unsplash

You may think me rather sombre as I write my feelings out
I concur they’re somewhat dark, as well you’ll know
Do you understand my pain, and why I try to hide my face?
My shame lives on from very long ago

I started this year well, without a tale to tell the world
But then I started digging, as you will all have read
Was that the wisest move, or should I put it all behind me?
But then I’d have to keep it in my head

My heart and soul are burdened; can I bury thoughts again?
Should I bid them on their way to pastures new?
Friends are standing by me and for that, I bless my soul
Do I really want to lose that loving view?

Oh, I’ve had my share of joys and bliss; an awful lot of fun
Along my endless travels, and on the brightest roads
So, why the saddest face and the hesitance to smile?
When I’m longing now to lose these heavy loads

I attempt to write my heart out; as it gives me real relief
Will you bear with me some more, while I search for peace?
Don’t give up or look away, as I’ll get there in the end
I’m so near the point of getting some release

I’m grateful, one and all, for your love and such kind words
They’re much appreciated, as I wend and find my way
The sun’s begun to shine and the sky’s a vivid blue
As I look forward to a better, brighter day.

Live today facing forward—with your back on yesterday, your eyes on tomorrow, and your head and heart in the moment.”

Richelle E Goodrich

I OUGHT TO BE OVER THE MOON BUT I’M NOT :(

Wednesday evening, 11 June 2014

9.10pm, on my way up to bed; the phone rings. “Who’s phoning at this time in the evening?”, I think. A hesitant voice then says, “Hello Mum”. It’s my son, much to my amazement! My first thought was that something awful had happened, maybe he was very ill; worse still, maybe if my little granddaughter had been badly hurt or had died. My mind raced at a million miles an hour along with my heartbeat. I was so surprised to hear his voice as I can’t even remember the last time he phoned me. It must have been when S. was born; she’s now one and a half and I have only seen her once which hurts so much, especially as I don’t see my daughter’s two little ones hardly at all either. I am a ‘Nanny’ and I’ve no idea how that feels….I’m not ‘in those shoes’, so to speak.

My son says, “I thought i’d tell you before it goes on Facebook that K. is pregnant, twelve weeks now!” I was really shocked…This is K. who can’t look after her first child, S, without her mother doing practically everything for her so how on Earth is she going to look after two little ones, I think? My son, T. says, Oh, K’s mum is going to give up work so that she can be with K. all the time! (And yes, maybe there is a bit of the green-eyed monster in the back of my head but nevertheless, my concern is genuine). I hear myself saying “Congratulations to you both”, In a shocked and half-hearted way.

What are the chances of seeing this new baby, this new life, my grandchild when I never see S.? Virtually nil, I imagine sadly. I am hurting. I hardly know what it means to be a ‘Nanny’ and the little ones barely know me. I am just a stranger to them.

I said something to T. about how much I’d welcome a visit from them and of course, to see S. Muttering about work commitments and such came back and I got nowhere. 

When I got off the phone, I didn’t feel the joy or excitement usually following such news. I felt flat, I felt nothing, empty, hurt. I certainly didn’t feel ‘over the moon’, as most people would do under normal circumstances.

Image

(photo credit: acclaim clip art)

A JOURNEY

Tonight, my thoughts are as black as the midnight sky

without so much as a twinkling of light from the stars up above.

‘I know not why’, as Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice,

other than the fact that it is as it is and it seems to have settled

upon my shoulders, the weight of which is pulling me down further

into the abyss of my currently pre-occupied mind. 

 

I have no desire to be as a snake crawling through grass

but more a bird, a Jay with its colours, on the wing, in full flight 

Oh, to be a bird and not a snake!

Oh, to soar in the rays of the midday sun.

Yet no, a dull haze comes upon my head and shoulders

And a darkness descends where there was once light

and the gloom travels through my soul.

 

I say that I protest! It should not be this way!

I shrug to shake off the dim veil descending upon my crown

I push back the clouds and let the sun shine down on me

I am resolute; no longer hesitant and cautious

My wrath, inside, screams to be released into the heavens

rather than carved into my body: Scar upon scar, no more.

 

I have come too far on my journey to be beaten down again

I have fought a long and hard battle to get here,

where I am entitled to be; to live; to survive.

Even to feel the gentle caress of happiness upon my skin

is a welcome change from the harsh touch of misery. 

I will do this; determination set fast; I will win!