Tag: sister

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

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This evening is possibly the last time my Mum will see my sister and it’s also the last time I will see her for some years too. Jo has been over from Australia for seven weeks now, initially flying here when Mum was so unwell after her recent accident. We thought then that she might not make it. She is recovering but is far from well. I said my farewell earlier and know that it’s going to be much, much harder for my Mum to say goodbye.  I had Jo here to stay with me a couple of times this trip, but mostly, she has been spending valuable and quality time, staying with my elderly Mum. They have been almost constant companions during that seven weeks.

I’m very concerned about Mum as she has rather got used to my sister being around and is going to miss her terribly. I don’t know how my Mum is going to adjust to the change. She has become used to being with someone as opposed to being on her own. I know she is scared at the prospect of living alone again, and I can’t say I blame her, living in that big, old, rundown house as she does with not even a friend or neighbour nearby who could pop in from time to time. She is two hours away from me, by train so I’m not able to do that either, as much as I would love to. However, I’m in the process of looking at finding some care and companionship for her although I know she will be reluctant to accept help, having always been such an independent lady.

Jo has a very long journey ahead of her, 27 hours including a brief stopover in Dubai for the plane to refuel. Her family, back in Australia have missed her. She has her husband and two grown children waiting for her to return. She is leaving our rather mild but wet summer and heading back to an icy winter. Once she gets back, we will have to get used to the time difference again – Australia being ahead of us by quite a considerable number of hours. She always has worse jetlag flying back home than she does coming here.

The flight leaves tonight, and I wish I were able to travel to the airport with Jo to see her off. I’m so pleased my youngest sister can go instead as Mum isn’t well enough to go to the airport either.  Families can be living miles or kilometres apart and yet remain so emotionally close. We all talk on the phone frequently, and I’m going to encourage our family to start using Skype. I already have it downloaded on my laptop, and I am hoping that both Mum and Jo will acquaint themselves with it too as they are both fairly staunch technophobes.

It’s 9 pm here, and as I look up into the sky and see the golden sun just going down over the rooftops, I am aware that very soon, my sister will be flying into that orange sky and will be on her journey to her home on the other side of the globe. I’m going to miss her.

Farewell and Bon Voyage, my precious sister. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers tonight as you travel the 10,000 miles between our respective parts of the world. I love you so very much.

COME RAIN, COME SHINE

rainy city gif

Well, for today, at least, I’ve turned up like the proverbial bad penny. I’ve missed a lot, I know, in the time I’ve been away – humble apologies for my lack of attention to all your blogs, my friends. I will try and catch up at some point if I can.

They say ‘it never rains, but it pours’ and it certainly has been tipping it down here in my neck of the woods. Today is the first day that I’ve been able to write anything for nearly a month, and I’ve almost forgotten what WordPress Land and my blog look like!

I am a jumble of emotions right now – quite a few negative ones, unfortunately, but a  few positives thrown in amongst them to break up the monotony.

  • My Mum has been in and out of the hospital for the last few weeks. She has now been diagnosed with an extremely rare syndrome that only affects one person in a million. We are trying to come to terms with it. She is now home with Care (which, being a very independent lady of 85, she is not happy about). Nevertheless, at least, I know she’s safe which is a good thing.
  • A not so good thing is that I am receiving nasty, blackmailing emails (again) from a member of my family. How lovely! I am dealing with that one with some difficulty but a lot of grit.
  • I’ve got major problems with Charlie (my wheelchair). He had two new batteries last week at a cost of nearly £300 (needless to say, that’s bumped up the balance due on my credit card), and now he needs a new motor which is going to add another £300 to my debt.
  • One of my favourite Carers is leaving which always unsettles me as I have to build up a trusting relationship with someone who is working that closely with me.
  • My son, Tom, is going back to court to fight for custody of my two grandchildren who are only three and one. Their mother is not taking care of them properly and Social Services, in their wisdom, are turning a very convenient blind eye to the situation.

So, now let me throw a few positives into the mix!

Now, perhaps the world is looking a little more like this.

rain on glass

  • My niece. Gemma (who is 23 which makes me feel quite ancient) has flown on her own (with the help of an aeroplane, naturally) halfway round the world to visit our family for the first time.
  • It gets even better now; my sister is also flying from the other side of the planet to visit me on 1st June. It’s going to be wonderful to see her and give her a real, warm and genuine hug as opposed to those non-touchy-feely cyber hugs that I usually have to send.
  • It’s Easter weekend and although I cannot get to church to celebrate (thanks to Charlie),  I can, at least, soak up the atmosphere of ‘Songs of Praise’ on my laptop and even join in with the singing if the mood so takes me.
  • My neighbour has just come back from holiday and I said I’d keep any eye on the house. As I cannot actually see her house from where I’m sat, it’s more like keeping an ear on her house as we are semi-detached and not a lot escapes my radar. She popped in on her return and has brought me a beautiful, neat bunch of daffodills which are my favourite spring flowers.
  • Good news too in that I have found a children’s ‘soft play area’, not far from where I live which means my son might be able to bring my two little ones to see me without the worry that they are in reach of all my medical equipment, sockets and general disability paraphernalia.

So, finally, perhaps the world is beginning to look a little like this again … x

small vase of daffodills

LITTLE CAR – R.I.P.

navy fiesta car

My younger sister, *L* owns (or should I say past tense, owned) a little car that she has had for many years. It has served her well and got her out of many a fix. She used her little car for all sort of things including ferrying her three children back and forth to their school in the next village, shopping, getting to work etc. It didn’t have a name although if it were mine, I would have named it Clarissa, but then I’m odd like that; I name all sorts of personal but inanimate possessions (more about that in a later post) but I will admit that I am typing this post on ‘Triceratops’ which is my heavy, old dinosaur of a laptop as my new, lightweight ultrabook called ‘Harry’, named after the picture of a hedgehog on the sticker of its top, has also suffered a demise (much to my dismay).

I decided to write this little ditty for my sister *L in memory of her beloved little car:

Fiesta, navy, lady owner 1997 – 2015 – not for sale.
Fiesta
you’ve been the best of
friends for many years.
From preschool jigs
to metal gigs,
Tesco shops,
To station drops.
You’ve NEVER ever
let her down,
made her frown,
been late to town.
You have had a little park
of lichens, moss and woody bark!
Despite her quite uncanny lack
of spatial sense
You’ve stayed on track.
Your MOT runs out tonight,
at twelve o’clock
upon the dot.
No amount of loving care
will sadly get you back in gear.
You’ve really been a total star.
Thank you special little car.

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

Well….today is the last day that my sister will be here with us in England. She leaves my mum’s house at 1.30pm today, which is just over an hour from while I am writing this (although by the time I’ve finished this post, she will have gone). Her 28 hour flight takes off at 5.50pm, after which I shan’t see her for another 3-4 years :(( She phoned me this morning to say goodbye which is always hard. I so wish I could go to the airport with her and wave her off properly but I couldn’t manage the journey. Fortunately, my younger sister is going with her so she won’t be on her own. It’s always hard to let her go – we are such close sisters and I find missing her hard. Nevertheless, her life is out there in Australia and her husband and two almost grown-up children have missed her a lot while she’s been here so will be glad to have her home again.

australia-topographic-map-960

As we were growing up, we had our fair share of squabbles and ‘cat fights’ but never really fell out seriously nor hurt each other. She wasn’t abused by my father and finds it difficult to accept what I have said as being the truth. So, we’ve agreed to disagree on that one although it does hurt me to know that I don’t have her support. She got on with my dad really quite well and definitely without being abused. In fact, we ended up calling her “Daddy’s blue-eyed little girl”, which she was literally with her straight blond hair and beautiful blue eyes (taking after him), whereas I took after my mum with my common brown hair and brown eyes. But there was never any competition between us and I bore and bear no grudge that it was me who was the only child in our family who was abused.

Now she lives literally on the other side of the planet, the main differences between us are the obvious huge number of miles of land and sea between us and totally opposite time clocks and of course weather. Also she has two well-behaved teenagers who I hope to meet one day. I chat to them on the phone once in a while. My children are a ‘different kettle of fish’ altogether and hardly bear even mentioning, I am so angry with them because of how they treat me.

Well….it’s now 6.30pm, my time and she will be up in the air among the white and fluffy clouds and will soon be watching the sun go down, becoming just and orange glow.

The flight is with a ‘decent’ airline so the long journey (with two stopovers) shouldn’t be too unbearable although of course she will arrive home totally exhausted and it takes her days to recover from the jet-lag. Her family will be at the other end to greet as she gets off the plane and she will be happy to see them.

Farewell, my beloved sister. It was wonderful to be with you again and share an enormous hug. I’ll miss you so much but know that very soon we will be chatting on the phone as if we lived in the same street as the other! I love you so very much.

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PUTTING MY FOOT IN IT AGAIN !

Why do I do it? Why in the hell do I do it? What do I just go and stick my big foot in it again?

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I’m angry with myself and upset and cross and all because I said the wrong thing….Why didn’t I say the right thing? I’m always doing it and I hate myself for it.

I phoned my mum and my sister, a while ago, today. Mum was busy washing her hair so I spoke to my sister J. Well, when I say ‘spoke to‘, I think ‘spoke at‘ would be a more apt phrase! I did it again….I talked too much because I was on a BPD high at the time. I talked about me. I talked about my day. I talked about what I had for lunch. I talked about my blog. I talked about my book….I even read two of the articles from it, out loud, I just talked about me! I didn’t think at the time to ask how she was, how her family back home was, had she spoken to them yet today, what did her and mum have for lunch? How was mum etc, etc, etc. I talked non-stop until J interrupted by saying,”we’re going round to see cousin R now so I can’t talk anymore. Have a good rest of the day…lots of love…byeeeeeee”! Bang! Gone!

As soon as the phone went down, I realised what I’d done and promptly burst into tears. “I’ve f**ked up again”! “I’m so selfish”. I should have asked more and said less. I hate myself. My sister doesn’t love me anymore! Mum’s angry with me for holding them up! She won’t love me anymore either. Everybody hates me. Why can’t I do anything right I’m useless, I’m selfish, I’m fat! This is my head! I feel rejected, abandoned, lost, scared, angry with myself for being so selfish.

Suddenly I’ve dipped into a BPD hole in the ground. It’s dark, cold, muddy, empty apart from me, I’m scared. I’m lost in my own world. Why am I writing this? Who the hell wants to read my rubbish, my rant. I just needed to get it out. The alternative would be harming myself in some way.

I’m sorry you’ve had to read this garbage….just delete it please. x 😦

FAMILY REUNION?!

Families!! You either love ’em or you hate ’em’! In my case both. Those of you who have been following my blog will know of the problems I have regarding my family and for those of you that haven’t, here’s a taster!

My sister is visiting from abroad for three weeks. We get on really well and I will really miss her when she goes back. Because both my children T and C want to have virtually nil to do with me and are depriving me of seeing my grandchildren, my sister, ‘B’ decided to organize a family reunion. When she told me she had arranged for both my children plus spouses, all three granddaughters, myself and her all to meet up and go out out for a meal together, I was absolutely gobsmacked!! I couldn’t imagine it. (I haven’t seen T and C in the same room together for 20 years!) I couldn’t imagine it….all of us, nine in total, seated round a bench table and actually talking to each other, playing ‘happy families’. Me and B went in a taxi, me in my wheelchair, of course. We arrived first and as usual, my offspring were suitably and predictably late. The greetings were so brief as to be almost non-existent. So there we were, all sat round a table which felt very odd, if not a little uncomfortable.

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(photo credit: dogclipart.com)

My family were all very happily chatting amongst themselves and eating good food, and me and B were left talking to each other. My kids are so rude sometimes! I felt hurt that they didn’t even bother to introduce me to my grandchildren. ‘Happy Families’ continued till the end of the meal (good food at least). Then, little S, who is now one-and-a-half (my son’s little one), was allowed to get out of her highchair to have a look around and play in the open area nearby. She was dressed in a white, flared dress and looked like a cross between a bridesmaid and a little princess. She ran straight past me, not recognizing me, of course, not having met me before. I was this strange woman in a wheelchair at the end of the long table, her having been at the other end so there had been no smiles and eye-contact etc.

I looked at this beautiful little girl, running about and giggling and felt nothing but pain. This was the granddaughter I’d never met and here she was, in flesh and blood, running back and forth passing me without even a glance. I felt so, so hurt. My son hadn’t even made any attempt to bring her over to me to tell her that I was, in fact, her Nanny. I tried to catch her attention but she was too wrapped in running about and playing with my daughter’s children who are 8 and 5 now who were too occupied with little S, that they totally ignored me. They were strangers to me and that really hurts. As for T and C and their spouses, they more or less acted as if I was invisible.

The meal ended. S was sat on the floor, absorbed in looking at a book. She looked so sweet any yet I was a no-one to her. I longed to scoop her up in my arms and hug her close to me, telling her that I was her Nanny and that I loved her very much but I wasn’t able to. 

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After that, T and C and respective families, headed for the exit having said a brief goodbye and they were off somewhere else. That left me and my sister. I looked at the deserted table, still littered with crockery and leftover food, and then burst into tears. What had been the point of this so-called ‘family reunion’ ? I was none the wiser and could have been invisible for all the notice they took of me!

So how do I feel now? Well, to be honest, I feel crap, shit, hurt, disappointed, resentful, angry and mostly devastated that my children could make me feel this way (mind you, not for the first time and I daresay not the last either). That’s my ‘family’ for you in a nutshell.