Tag: sleep

Dead In The Water

I know this is a bit unexpected, but I’ve recently become very unsure of myself as a writer (and a reader, too, come to that). I’m sitting in my chair in the living room and have spent the entire morning and much of the afternoon staring at a blank page, unable to write anything I consider worthy. Giving up on that idea, I decided to catch up on reading all the blogs I’m so behind on. I’ve read many repeatedly, and I’m still finding my mind completely vacant when it comes to responding to them.

Some of you will also know I’m taking a writing course with a group of writers and a tutor. We’ve just had a two-week break, and I should have written and submitted at least three pieces of work in that time. Yet, I haven’t managed to produce anything that would pass as halfway decent. I have until Wednesday morning to come up with something. My mind is blank, completely blank.

“So, what is going on?” I ask myself. I am still in a lot of pain from Friday’s difficult tooth extraction despite two types of painkillers and antibiotics, which aren’t doing much to alleviate my discomfort. I’m also worried that my lip and chin are still numb thirty-six hours after the procedure. That can’t be right, can it? Perhaps, I’ve got nerve damage. Now, I’m worrying even more. I’m telling myself to stop panicking, but I can’t phone the dentist till tomorrow because it’s a bank holiday weekend.

Apart from being in pain and not having slept for three nights, I’ve also just discovered that I should have come off my osteoporosis drug (Alendronic Acid) three months prior and following the extraction; otherwise, there is a very real risk of getting Osteonecrosis of the Jaw. That’s when the exposed jawbone in the gum dies, which can then spread to other parts of the bone in the jaw and face. I wasn’t given this information beforehand, so to say I am worried is somewhat of an understatement.

I began writing this at around 2pm yesterday, and here we are today at gone 2pm, and I’ve written nothing of any worth of interest. I’ve spent the entire morning flicking back and forwards through posts I want to read and comment on, but my concentration is severely lacking, and it’s past the stage of seeing anything other than panic and feeling overwhelmed.

I’m seriously wondering whether I should give up my writing course and blogging, although I know I’d miss all my classmates and blogging friends terribly. I don’t feel I have anything worthwhile to offer, and I shouldn’t expect others to take an interest in my writing if I cannot reciprocate. Perhaps, it would be better if I weren’t here. I feel hopeless, quite unlike my usual self. I think my desire to be a writer will never amount to anything. I am, for want of a better expression, dead in the water.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

A Tired Day (A Poem)

I got up in the morning feeling rather low
I just cannot get going, and my progress is slow
I guess I can’t be happy every single day
Right now, at this moment, I’m wishing time away

Can’t concentrate on reading and not able to write
I’m still in my pyjamas and looking such a fright
The cat’s come out in sympathy; she’s looking all forlorn
She’s been dozing in her box, which is tattered and torn

She won’t go in the garden and doesn’t want to eat
She’s crawled out of her box and is sitting at my feet
The pair of us are moping all around the house
She’s not even tempted by the resident mouse

Should I call the doctor, or perhaps, I’ll call the vet
Both will cost a fortune, and I’m already in debt
I sit here looking vacantly through the kitchen door
Wondering what to do; I’m just dithering for sure

Here comes the local tomcat looking for a fight
He’s sitting on the fence in the last of the day’s light
My cat isn’t interested; she doesn’t want the stress
She wants to chill out; perhaps, a game of chess

I’m no good at games, so she’ll surely be the winner
I’m making up excuses like I’m going to cook the dinner
Later on, in bed, we can sleep away our sorrow
Roll on, ticking clock; we can start again tomorrow.



Photo by Rick J. Brown on Unsplash



Russian Roulette

There’s nothing clever or even vaguely intelligent about this poem. I wrote it on the spur of the moment. It’s not one of my better pieces, but it expresses how I feel, as does all my poetry. This isn’t a ‘work of art’ by any stretch of the imagination. It’s merely a ditty …

I realise my blog posts
have been sad and sombre of late
I know it’s been hard to bear with me
I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling great

My doctor has given me tablets
Both Valium and Zopiclone
The latter should help me sleep
Plus a crisis number to phone

I’m trying to appear cheerful
but I doubt that I’m kidding you
I’m painting a broad smile on my face
but you can’t see that’s what I do

My poetry is brutally honest
Every word, every space, every line
Perhaps, if I painted landscapes
the results would be more sublime

My dear friends, I want to thank you
for sticking close to my side
And also, I’m eternally grateful
for mopping each tear that I’ve cried

So, I beg for a little more time
And please don’t desert me yet
I’ve really got so much to live for
though I’m playing Russian roulette

A message here to each one of you
from my tender and delicate heart
I’m doing my best, so please hold my hand
I don’t want to blow us all apart.




Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay



Another Day

(Image source – Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash)

The day will put down roots on my shoulders tonight

These past vacant hours disappeared

Into dense, heavy clouds above me

Exhaustion sets in, and my muscles are taught

Like the strings of an old, dusty Stradivarius

Playing a lullaby to aid my slumber

~~~

I am sore and weary through lack of rest and repose

Seconds blended into minutes, into days, into weeks

Time evaporating my ongoing sense of self

Another day I have to pull myself up by my bootlaces

And face the world and the human race and smile

When under my skin, tears of pain and sorrow overwhelm me

~~~

Why another day when I have had so many already

packed tightly together, melting into months and seasons

I long for the navy sky, littered with bright stars

The darkness was once my friend; now sleep evades me

I need sweet dreams. I have only nightmares

But I have made it through this day against all odds

~~~

So, how do I get through yet another day

When sometimes, I hardly know myself at all

Yet sometimes, I know myself too much, and it hurts

And my ideas and thoughts sit heavy on my mind

It has been this way for far too long

I will search out escape routes to get some relief.

DELIBERATELY SLEEP DEPRIVED?

I’m absolutely shattered again today and it’s entirely my own fault (I think, anyway). I went to bed far too late, had four hours sleep (not enough for me) and had to be up at 5.30am as my carers come at 6.30am latest.

I don’t know why i don’t allow myself to go to bed at a reasonable time, when i am sleepy or exhausted. I just don’t! Sometimes i think i don’t deserve the comfort of my lovely, cosy bed, snuggly duvet and even snugglier bear! So then, i carry on writing my book, reading, blogging, chatting on Facebook etc., anything to avoid going to bed! Stupid? Maybe.Others disagree and suggest ideas, sympathize etc where some just simply berate me, telling me quite firmly that it is my own fault. Is it? Given what i have had to go through in my life as blogged about in many earlier posts, some people have suggested it’s just another form of self-harm which is pretty feasible given that i have only recently (almost) stopped cutting and i am still borderline anorexic. I really think there might be something in that but how do i stop? I know i am disabled and can do very little physical activity, but i spend my days walking around (well, sitting in my case) like a zombie.

Image

If i get carried away with writing my book or my blog, which i often do, i can easily be up past two o’clock in the morning and sometimes decide that it’s not worth going to bed at all when it’s that late as i’d have to be up two to three hours later. Why is it i seem to have lots of ideas pop up into my head just as the time when everyone else has gone to bed? I’m nearly always at my keyboard from early in the morning till very late at night. I know this isn’t good for me either. I’ve been told many a time, i should take a break from peering at the screen, quite frequently and that having my laptop on my lap (which was the main purpose of buying it) isn’t good either as electrical equipment like laptops give off vibes that can affect the body physically. It can affect both men and women’s fertility, for example; it can affect eyesight and the brain with continued use. It’s not good for my posture either as i am bent over the keyboard rather than sitting up with my back straight. I already have osteoporosis in my spine and hips so i’m not helping myself much there either.

Just occasionally, (well, if i’m honest it’s most nights), i’ll nod off, sitting in my chair, for a short while or even wake to find myself literally slumped onto the keyboard resulting in a very stiff neck and usually about a million or so ‘a’s or ‘z’s typed out on to the page which then all have to be deleted, or it’s sometimes easier to scrap the whole article, post etc and start again from scratch! Great! 

And as i’ve said before, often i wake up to find the letters ‘QWERTY’ embossed into my forehead and across my nose! Not exactly a fashionable look! I have got to do something about this ridiculous situation!

Image

(photo credit ‘Shutterstock’ from Bing Images)