‘THE BORDERLINE’ AND FACEBOOK

sometimes when i say i'm okay

BPD and Facebook! Not a good combination when I’m feeling vulnerable. I’d posted the above image on a mental health support page and 51 people ‘liked’ it but not one truly got the message – that I really wasn’t ok and was in need of a hug, all be it virtual. One ‘friend’ cut me off altogether. Such is the capricious nature of Facebook. But, when I’m feeling low, the last thing I need is what to me feels like a ‘kick in the teeth’.

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder); sometimes referred to as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) is now being referred to by my local mental health team as EID which stands for Emotional Intensity Disorder because people such as myself, feel their emotions far more deeply than the majority of the population. I speak for myself, of course.

The first paragraph, above, is just an example of how easily I get affected and upset. That meaningless, minor event has been enough to send me from feeling happy and content with my world to now, feeling alone, hurt and totally rejected, and although I know I get things ‘all out of proportion’, as some would say, I feel it … I really feel it, and it hurts. It hurts, just like if someone had punched me in the back. Emotional pain is just as great as physical pain. In fact, speaking as someone who has a great deal of both, I would say that emotional pain is harder for me to bear than physical pain.

TWO DAYS LATER – I’ve been watching some YouTube videos on all sorts of topics today including mental health issues. One or two videos were quite helpful. However, I saw one that made me angry. I don’t mean the type of ‘raging anger’ that is meant to be ‘typical’ of all people with BPD but isn’t necessarily so. I mean very justifiable anger, I think … you tell me ….

Why? Because one particular five-minute video continually referred to me and other folk with BPD as ‘The Borderline‘, as if I were an object of curiosity in a museum. If we all took that attitude, then would we call other people with illnesses such as pneumonia or cancer by their diagnosis, i.e. how is ‘The Pneumonia‘ today, or, have you spoken to ‘The Cancer‘ this morning? I think not. Am I being unreasonable in asking to be spoken of respectfully, and not just seen as my diagnosis, but, as a warm, thoughtful and reasonably intelligent human being that I try to be to the best of my ability?

man in box

Image courtesy of ibtimes.com

Well … back to where I started – Facebook (friend or foe?). It has its problems; there’s no doubt about that – it certainly gets a mixed review from me. I have made ‘friends’, but I have also lost a few. I’ve read some good articles and posts, and some dreadful, misinformative posts too. I’ve joined and left a few groups over the time I’ve been with FB (far too long, I’m beginning to think). It can bring people together but it probably also causes more wars between them too. I’ve deleted and deactivated my account more times than I can remember and for various reasons but I’m always sucked back into its vices after a few weeks (fickle by name, fickle by nature). 

Social media, in general, has a hell of a lot to answer for; not just Facebook, but also, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google Plus+, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr etc (I have to say I’m not with many of them, though). What about WordPress here, and Blogger etc – do you consider them to be social media in some way too? After all, we have followers that stay, followers that go. Some participate – some sit in the back row and watch – however, both are fine with me. I write because I enjoy it – sometimes I make sense; other times, not so. I have made sense in the past, though – I have written two books a good while ago, both more serious poetry (some of which I’ve shared over the years). Finally, I’ve also been known to rant. However, just now, I think I am mortal danger of beginning to ramble so here I will stop and bid you adieu 🙂 

A DAY OF FIRSTS …

happy woman in wheelchair

(photo sourced at Bing)

Today is a day of firsts. The first time I’ve connected with social media and also the first day at the gym, starting a new modified exercise program geared specifically to my disability. I am feeling suitably proud of myself and my first steps into the world of fitness, and socializing has released a whole jumbo pack of those little happy chemicals, endorphins, flooding into my bloodstream.

Firstly, I’ve officially come out. That is on Facebook, you see, and I say ‘you see’, pointedly as it’s the first time that little old me, Ellie, has gone public in the Facebook world. You can find me there if you wish at Elliesofia Thompson complete with a cover photo that has some special meaning and relevance to me. My profile picture is as my WordPress blog image which I fondly call my little lantern girl. 

lantern girl

Why this breakthrough and statement is of any importance, I really don’t know but it does feel kinda scary stepping out into the big wide world all on my ownsome. However, prepare to be stampeded by the swarms and crowds of admirers, dedicated fans and new supporters that are going to be accompanying my regular followers (and you know who you are, bless you). So, come along for the ride and join me on my travels.

If you have only just stumbled across me via Facebook, I would like to extend a very pleasant welcome to you and invite you to make yourself at home. Do feel free to drop me a line via my page or Private Messaging, if you prefer.

Well, as far as my new fitness regime is concerned, I enrolled at the local sports center in the city today. To take this action was at the top of the list of my New Year’s resolutions for 2015 and we are now fast approaching New Year of 2016. Ah, well, better late than never. Hardly an original idea for a resolution, I know. My usual and primary form of exercise is stretching out my fortunately still nimble fingers across this computer keyboard into the small, wee hours. So, I think that moseying around the gym floor in Charlie, my wheelchair (for those of you who have yet to become acquainted), admiring the shiny, important bits of machinery was particularly tough going and burnt off a considerable number of calories. 74 to be exact.

Next time, I should really come on in leaps and bounds as I’m going to start on the much higher level of exercise which consists of lifting an HB pencil, complete with an eraser on the end, in each hand for thirty seconds. I will try not to strain myself so as to ensure that I will be to cope sufficient tapping of keys for me to be able to to update you on my progress in my next post. Next stop, The Paralympics!

OWNER OCCUPIED

Fickle by nature
it creeps insidiously into all of our lives
through each minute crack and every tiny crevice
no mossy cornerstone unturned

It skulks stealthily into each vein
along never-ending scarlet arteries
distributing its venom
spat throughout our mortal souls

Echoing silence scorches our delicate ears
as it roars and it growls its way
through conversation pieces
ripping up pages in its wake

Wreaking havoc in previously civilized existences
any signs of peace being washed into vast oceans
Relationships smashed against the rocks
Pointless reception yet still we listen.

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF FACEBOOK

facebook share

Social networking? Good or bad?

Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Tumblr, Pinterest, YouTube, Path, Instagram, Foursquare…..I could go on…

Well, some years ago I chose to open a Facebook account. With it came a cauldron of emotion that I didn’t bargain for. It has, I have to say (somewhat feebly) been quite life-changing or perhaps more aptly, I have let it become so. Isn’t that pathetic? Is my life really so uninteresting that I have to rely on FB for the thrills and spills of my day? Well yes, I thought so or at least believed that was true when I first ‘got into it’. Now, I am clambering to get out of it!

To start with It was a good way to stay in touch with friends, follow their lives, share their holiday snaps, admire their families etc. A lot of it was positive but there are also many negatives too,  just as there are two sides to a coin. It is so easy to get hooked into the ‘Like’, ‘Comment’ and ‘Share’ routine and FB gradually becomes disproportionately prominent in one’s life and it can come quickly become a love/hate relationship. I know it did in mine and quite quickly became addictive (not helped by the fact that I have an addictive personality anyway). I got hooked….well and truly….I would get up in the morning and (in the absence of having either a partner, family or children), it was the first thing I did  – I checked Facebook for anything I might have missed or looked for messages from friends, looked to see who had ‘Liked’, ‘Commented’ on or ‘Shared’ whose posts, (a post consisting of an opinion, a feeling, a photo, an image, a quote, a recipe, a weather forecast, a status such as 🙂 [smile], 😦 [frown], 😉 [wink], etc or what colour pyjamas were being worn, or indeed if there were any being worn at all (no doubt accompanied by a photo!).  Everyone seemed to be on FB and if you weren’t, you were considered somewhat of an odd-bod or not ‘cool’.

However, having become a veteran of many years on FB, I’ve come to the see the other side of it (or at least in my opinion). I’m tried of all the pointless exchanging of useless information, the endless and tedious ‘selfies’. the numerous photos of people’s dinners or wonderful pets etc). I don’t like the bitchiness that sometimes goes on; I don’t like the trouble and problems it actually causes sometimes between friends, acquaintances and families. In my case, it has become a weapon of war between my children and myself (as some of you will know) whereby both my son and daughter have ‘blocked’ me meaning I am not allowed to see or know anything they might post about their lives (as in reality, sadly) and they can deny the privilege of seeing photos of my grandchildren that everyone else can see (and that hurts, believe me, that does hurt in the absence of any real life photos or visits from them.

I have to say, I am now slowly withdrawing from the all-consuming Facebook and intend to deactivate or delete my account shortly. A sorry tale in the end but maybe a case of ‘too much of a good thing’ or in my case, too much of too many bad things. Having said that, it works for a hell of a lot of people so if it’s good for you then I am genuinely pleased for you, in fact generally quite happy for you 🙂 .  So, I guess what I am really saying is……IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT!!