Tag: sorrow

Another Day

(Image source – Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash)

The day will put down roots on my shoulders tonight

These past vacant hours disappeared

Into dense, heavy clouds above me

Exhaustion sets in, and my muscles are taught

Like the strings of an old, dusty Stradivarius

Playing a lullaby to aid my slumber

~~~

I am sore and weary through lack of rest and repose

Seconds blended into minutes, into days, into weeks

Time evaporating my ongoing sense of self

Another day I have to pull myself up by my bootlaces

And face the world and the human race and smile

When under my skin, tears of pain and sorrow overwhelm me

~~~

Why another day when I have had so many already

packed tightly together, melting into months and seasons

I long for the navy sky, littered with bright stars

The darkness was once my friend; now sleep evades me

I need sweet dreams. I have only nightmares

But I have made it through this day against all odds

~~~

So, how do I get through yet another day

When sometimes, I hardly know myself at all

Yet sometimes, I know myself too much, and it hurts

And my ideas and thoughts sit heavy on my mind

It has been this way for far too long

I will search out escape routes to get some relief.

LETTING GO

Letting go of someone you love isn’t easy….It’s heart-wrenching, it’s agony, true heartache. Taking the decision to let go and taking the action is even harder. What do you do when you’ve tried everything in your power to hold on to the hope that that love will somehow be reciprocated but it never is? Letting go is the hardest thing….Let Go Let God.

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I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve cried bucketsful of tears. I’ve hoped, I’ve wished, I’ve prayed. Oh, how I’ve prayed; all through the day to the point where I just cannot think anymore; all through the night until the sun rises and another day dawns. [“Heavenly Father, I hand this situation over to You, for You are stronger than I. My God, You know what has happened. You know what has gone before. Be merciful, I pray, oh Lord. I ask Your forgiveness for both myself and my children. In Jesus’ name, Amen”].

You may think me heartless; callous even, but there is only so much pain and rejection and hurt I can take. I am immersed in a sea of emotions which surround me; the murky waters reaching up to my chin, waves threatening to engulf me. My children cause me so much pain and suffering. If I don’t let go, I will surely drown. If I drown, I am of little use to any other person on this planet. My son and my daughter refuse to have anything to do with me. I’ve recently been ill and in hospital and now I’ve been home for a week, and neither of them have phoned, text’d, emailed, sent a card. Not a word. I love them. I will always love them, from the very bottom of my heart. I will miss them. A part of me has died for each grandchild I have lost in this manner. I’ve no idea how my little ones are – I’ve no way of finding out and it’s killing me and dragging me back down the hole I have fought for so many years to get out of. Both my psychiatrist and my GP say I need to let go to maintain my mental health. Easy to say the words, I thought; difficult, oh, so hard to take the action needed. My door will remain open forever, my loves, should you choose to come back; my love will be there always….it will never fade or lessen.

So, I have to say, my darlings, my precious ones, I will set you free. This is what you have requested (no contact). I don’t pretend to know why, nor to understand. I’ve prayed for your peace of mind, for your salvation. But all to no avail. I cannot hold you back any longer. I set you free although it shatters my heart into a million pieces to do so…..

Banksy balloon

 Sorry seems to be the hardest word…….