Image result for Steampunk Clock

Why an image of a clock to begin this post with? This is because it is actually a good depiction of my feelings and where I’ve been at for some time. Life has felt rather surreal during this last year. The clock face also shows the passage of time I have been through over the last few months.

At last, I’m beginning to feel like I’m getting back to normal after my Mum became ill, had a stroke, and I finally lost her only five months ago (almost to the day). There was the funeral to get through (and all that encompassed) and now, we are dealing with probate, Mum’s will and the sale of our family home after spending my first twenty years of life there.

However, as far as my psychiatric health in concerned, I’m feeling brighter which is good (and about time too). I am now on different and new medication which, in the last week has begun to help improve my state of mind, and I’m sleeping so much better which makes a great difference to how I feel during the day. The severe anxiety attacks have also lessened which is a huge relief.

The many cogs in this clock also represent changes in a more positive way … slowly … as time has ticked by and the wheels have been turning, my relationship with my son has improved, and we have become closer which means I have more contact with my two beautiful grandchildren, Josh and Lily who are a delight to me. I have definitely become closer to my sisters, particularly the one who lives the furthest away from me. We may be separated by many miles but are hearts are inextricably linked and always will be.

The recent passage of time, like each cog, has been whirring, clicking and ticking by slowly but steadily. A lot else has changed in that time too. My eldest granddaughter has now turned eleven and will be going up to senior school in September, and my youngest granddaughter will be starting primary school at the age of four-and-a-half (she seems too young). Where has the time gone? Am I really old enough to have a granddaughter in senior school? Goodness! I must be older than I think! I’m definitely older in years than I feel and I am fortunate enough to be told by several people that I don’t look my age. However, I am reluctantly coming up to ‘a biggy’; a big ‘0’ birthday in three month’s time (which I’m trying to ignore) … ugh! How am I going to get all my candles on one cake?!

Image result for Birthday Cake with Many Candles

In addition, I would like to say thank you to my dearest friends here at WordPress who have stuck by me through thick and thin over the last year or so – it can’t have been easy at times. Their blogs have kept my head above water some of that time by distracting me with their diversity, interest, humour and compassion. So, shout out to Bun at and Mick at and Carol anne of Also, thank you to any of you who may have called in or dropped by my blog and hung around with support and kind words too. Love to you all, Ellie xxx


a college

Why can’t the government leave things alone if they are working well?! They have decided to stop the funding for my college which is a Recovery College. It’s a college for 500 people like myself who are living with or recovering from (or trying to) mental health conditions. It’s a great place and has really helped me gain my confidence and learn new coping strategies. I’ve also made lots of friends of all sorts there and got to know all the tutors and other staff really well. We’ve been running for nearly four years now, learned a lot, shared a lot and had a lot of fun. Also, on a more serious note, I and we have all learned so much about coping with our lives with a mental health disorder and some of us have been able to move along to voluntary or paid avenues. I attend there 3-4 times a week and have benefitted enormously. It has given me structure to my week, a purpose and a social life, all of which have contributed to my improved mental health.  I am upstet and devastated.

The government promised that they would spend more money on mental health yet they are shutting down organizations like ours all over the country. We are campaigning and petitioning fiercely to defend our college but it is not looking promising and students are becoming very down and disheartened as a result.

The government say they want to save money yet can’t they see how bloody and stupidly short-sighted they are! As a result of the college closing, our students will need more support from NHS services such as the Acorn Centre (inpatient), the Crisis Team, our Social Workers, Psychiatrists, CPNs (Community Psychiatric Nurses) and GPs which will in the long run cost far more money.

I will be lost without my college which is set to close at the end of June this year. I have spent hours there, learning, studying, buddying, getting excellent advice and support, socializing and making good friendships and relationships with staff and managers.

So far, we have had a photo and article in the county newspaper, we have been on the radio, have been to see our local MP, have put a petition out there etc, etc, but all to no avail. We are NOT giving up and will continue to fight right up until the doors have to close. We must keep fighting!

As per my following my post, for anyone reading this would you PLEASE PLEASE sign our PETITION to keep this college open. All information is kept strictly confidential. THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH.


cancer ribbon

The ‘C’ word crept in to our lives insidiously,
first daring to show its face ten odd years ago.
Since buried in hushed tones,
tucked into the silent crevices of our minds

How dare it trespass,
after all this time of quiet repose
now crawling out of the woodwork
exposing itself in all its naked glory

I have spoken of it quite recently
in company although anonymously.
Expecting support and understanding
but only to be greeted with a tick in a box.

With a ‘not on my doorstep’ approach,
most surprisingly in the current climate
where it stalks its prey with no fear or shame
trampling lives into the ground.

The ‘dreaded ‘C’ word’ – CANCER – My Mum has just this week been diagnosed with Myeloma (bone marrow cancer) which in her case is untreatable and incurable (along with Stage 3 kidney failure – stage 5 is ‘end stage’). How on Earth do you come to terms with the fact that your Mum’s death is likely to be earlier than it should/inevitable? I’m trying to support my Mum as best I can. I am researching both conditions and I am trying to appropriate support for her in the community, as left to the NHS, these things don’t get put into place until it’s perhaps too late.

I am, of course, devastated at the prospect of losing my Mum who I have always had a very special relationship. However, I am more concerned about her feelings, her anger, her fear etc than I am about my own feelings. I can’t be there for her physically, firstly because we live too far apart, and secondly, because I have severe disability and cannot even access my Mum’s house. All this leaves me feeling so helpless and angry. But, anger isn’t going to solve anything. Nevertheless, we are entitled to be raging of course!

My dear Mum is so frightened of the prospect of her life coming to an end when she is still active and very definitely is in control of her own mind. But, I love her so much, I would willingly trade places with her without any hesitation! Why? How can I feel this way? Because I have my faith and that is something Mum has not an ounce of, being a staunch atheist. She’s 86 and very set in her ways and most unlikely (I would bet never) to believe in a life with God after death. If only I could take her fear on my back and replace it with a faith that it’s all going to be alright but sadly, I can’t.

Silently, in the midst of all the pain, I pray for a miracle. I am fallible, I am weak, I am not in control. I do all that I can and that, I have to accept.


rock the boat English idiom

At the moment, so much around me is changing or becoming unreliable and I really don’t ‘do’ change at all well and really don’t like my boat being rocked one bit. I need stability, I need consistency, I need reliability, I need to feel safe and secure. I just don’t like change.

Currently, my care agency is very short of staff so instead of getting my regular carers, who I am used to, I never know who will be walking through the door next. Don’t get me wrong…I am extremely grateful for the excellent care I receive and all the carers I do have are great. I just wish the Management treated their staff better and fewer people would be leaving what is beginning to feel like a sinking ship. In addition, my Support Worker is off this week and there is no replacement available; my CPN goes away at the end of this week; my Home Help is also off this week and next and they are kindly sending a young woman to replace her but she won’t be the same, I know. And just to top it all, my therapist is away in two weeks.

Most of my support comes from you guys (and I don’t know what I’d do without your friendship, love and support) <3. I can’t talk to Mum anymore, not like I used to, as she’s always frantically trying to chase her tail, having got up far too late in the morning! My kids are completely out of the question as most of you know.

Also, I’m changing my dentist, after all that fuss and commotion of trying to get a ramp put in….I’ve given up with them although I’ve been there 34 years, because if they can’t do that one little thing (which they are obliged to do by law anyway!) then they have no consideration for me so I will be sticking two fingers up behind my back when I next pass them and I’m going to a new dentist about half an hour away in my wheelchair, so nearer as well as having very good  disability access and facilities.

And there is a whole new ball game just about to start rocking my boat in a big way although it is of my own choosing but it would take up too much space to explain right now so that’ll be my next blog….



people who choose to shine


I am so honoured and privileged to be part of the blogging community I ‘belong’ to here.

I know blogging is worldwide and covers a multitude of people’s views. But I feel that once you start blogging, and following blogs you choose, you ‘meet’ so many people and make so many very valuable friends, most of whom have something in common. In the case of my blogging friends and myself, we have all been through hard/rough/awful/abusive times. Also, many of us experience some sort of mental health problem as a result of the huge trauma that we have had to endure or are still enduring.

And yet each one of us expresses lighter moments, joy, humour etc at times. We still shine despite all that we have been through. I think that is so courageous and admirable. Even if it’s only a millionth or a split second of our lives, we are all still able to shine despite the darkest, deepest thoughts, experiences and memories. Most importantly, we are all ‘here’, living and breathing even though many us, myself included, have tried so hard not to be. We are fighting our own individual battles, each different yet each similar. Yet, we are all fighting the same war; we are all batting for the same team, that of recovery or in essence, survival, and on the whole, we are winning, all be it a second at a time, a minute, an hour, day, week, month, year etc. Time is infinite.

I am so grateful for my friends amongst my ‘community’ and followers, who understand me, support me and care about me. You are unique, you are special, you are ‘real’ (all be it that we are virtual), you are all who you are, you are all…

This is a message the world needs to hear: 


Hugs, Ellie xxx



In no particular order…

1. to get things off my chest.
2. relate to others in similar situations.
3. to share my feelings.
4. to get support and hear advice and opinions.
5. to support others in their situations.
6. to make and keep friends.
7. you are all out there in cyber-world but I still class you as my dear and close friends.
8. although we’ve never met, I still feel like I’m chatting on the phone to you.
9. to learn about others’ interests and values.

                  10. because I care about you; I love you all and I can send {{{hugs}}}





I was extremely honoured and quite amazed to be nominated for The Brave Heart Award by  who writes an excellent and sensitive blog with a great deal of insight and courage and i am proud to call her a friend as many of you are.


However, because of current circumstances, having very recently lost a friend, i am unable to fulfill all the requirements needed to pass on this award to a further twelve very worthy nominees which i would have been been honoured to do. I do hope it is acceptable to you all that i dedicate my Award to my late friend, Sushila who was also a courageous survivor of abuse and a great source of support to others who have been through similar trauma.


I am currently not able to answer the questions required of me if i were to accept this award but i would like to quote the Brave Heart Mission Statement in honour of Sushila, as follows:

What is The Brave Heart Award?  The Brave Heart Award is for survivors of abuse and for those who encourage healing.

Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

Each step you take you are not alone.

Stand Strong.


I do hope the decision i have taken has not offended or upset any of you. There are many of you who i would have liked to nominate if circumstances were different. If i have upset or offended anyone, please accept my humble apologies. Thank you, all, for your care and understanding x





Liebster Award



http://www.findinghopessunshine.wordpress.com2014/03/21liebster-award/ very kindly nominated me for this award. I think she is wonderful in her positive approach to life and her compassion and understanding of others. 

I am absolutely amazed and very, very honoured to be nominated for this award which i had never heard of before, let alone be nominated for it.

i’ve never blogged before in my life – i’d just written poetry and prose about my own personal experiences of abuse which were published by a very small mental health publisher as i have BPD too, amongst other things. I published under a different pseudonym to the one i use here and i did so solely to reach others who felt alone and isolated with their experiences of abuse of any kind. I don’t make any money out of this; any incoming funds go, in whole, to a charity. I started writing my blog as a way of expressing emotions freely, without being judged and in the hope of maybe touching others’ lives who had had similar experiences. I have made so many loving and supportive friends with WordPress all of whom deserve this award far than me. I am ‘me’ or ‘us’ here without being ridiculed. I am so grateful to the support i have from my blogging friends. These are the questions asked, below:


11 Questions that are asked for:


1.What is the best thing about you?
2.What time of day do you blog?
3.How many revisions does it take before you finally publish?
4.Who is/was the most influential person in your life
5.In one word describe yourself
6.Where do you see yourself one year from now?
7.What is your favourite social media?
8.What type of blogs do you follow?
9.What is the motivating factor for you to blog?
10.How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it
11.What have you learned about yourself from blogging?


These were the answers i gave:

1. I have great compassion for others in pain or suffering for any reason. I care deeply about others’ feelings.

2. I blog at the most ridiculous times, usually during the night (instead of sleeping!).

3. I start looking for exactly the right image(s) to accompany my blog during the day as i am fortunate to be at home all day (through disability), and can’t stop searching, sometimes for several hours, until i have found exactly the right one. Once i start blogging, i tend not to read over it more than necessary as i am more eager to reach others than i am in checking my grammar and punctuation. People matter most.

4. My Mum is wonderful even though i have my own children. Her advice is invaluable and appreciated.

5. Considerate

6. Still blogging on WordPress and hopefully making many more friends here so we can support one another.

7. Without a doubt, WordPress. It is the only place i can be truly honest and accepted for that.

8. Mostly blogs written by others who have been abused or treated unfairly in any way. Also blogs from professional/amateur bloggers that give me hope and inspiration and those i can learn from.

9. Knowing i can reach and send love and affection to others who are in need of this..

10. Inspiring, encouraging and emotionally valuable.

11. That it’s ok to have feelings and that there are you very special people who take the time to get to know and understand me. Thank you to all.


Rules for accepting the award

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you

2. Answer the 11 questions given to you

3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 500 followers

4. Post 11 questions for your nominees to answer

5. Tag your nominees and post a comment on their blog to let them know you nominated them.

Here are my nominees:

This lady is very knowledgeable, sensitive and has been extremely supportive.

This lady is so honest in sharing her feelings and has been incredibly supportive.

This lady shares so openly and honestly and i appreciate her blogs.

I admire this lady who is very sensitive and encouraging.

This lady is inspiring in her belief and shares her experience.

Encourages others to share openly by stating ‘No More Silence’

This lady’s blog is honest and refreshing

This lady is encouraging in her words and outlook on life.

This lady is honest, interesting and has a refreshing view on mental health

Knowledgable and informative

Informative and caring attitude towards coping with depression


I like the questions asked so haven’t changed them.

Thank you sincerely and please check out these admirable, sensitive bloggers.I’m sorry – I’m new to all this! Correct link is http://elliethompson.wordpress/2014/03/liebster-award/