MY EMILY

I’m finding it difficult to write this evening. Baby Emily has been present much of the day leaving me feeling sad, vulnerable, hurt and in need of a hug. Emily is tiny. She is the youngest of my ‘inside people’. There are six of us as blogged about previously but it has been our little Emily who has been here most of this afternoon and evening.

My carer came this evening to get me ready for bed and make my tea. She’s nice to me, my favourite carer, Kim. I find her easy to be with and she is interested in me and wants to understand more about BPD and Dissociation Disorder. She asked me something about my past – I told her I’d been abused as a child. That triggered me into a vivid flashback. I very suddenly burst into tears. She came running over and gave me a hug which was so, so needed. Hugs are rare things to come by in my life. But Emily was here and we sobbed and sobbed, our tears making a damp patch on Kim’s shoulder.

I have a doll. She is very life-like and I have called her Emily in the hope of offering comfort and love. She looks like a real baby and feels like a real baby. She is sleeping peacefully.

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photo credit -Ashton-Drake, ‘Welcome Home Emily’

Some people may think me crazy and pathetic to have such feelings for a ‘doll’. But, to me, she is my Emily and when i hold her close, i feel whole, complete, content, calm. Normally, my mind is so often fragmented. My disabled body feels restless and constantly in pain which so often distracts me from my reality. But when I embrace Emily, all that tension, fear and anxiety fades into the background.

I need Emily to be with me always. She is, of course, psychologically speaking, and will be part of me/us for eternity along with the rest of our family. I’m working with my therapist through this. I’m ok; well, sort of……

 

I CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE!

I just can’t do this any more. Today has been the day from hell and i am totally exhausted and wanting to sleep but am too afraid too. I need to share today’s experience with you, then maybe i’ll be able to get some sleep tonight. Last night was a night of nightmares which ended at 3am when i got up because i couldn’t take any more. After yesterday, i thought things would be a little calmer and a little quieter today, but how wrong i was. I want to say so much. Chloe is screaming. Caroline is trying to charge of us all but is fighting a losing battle. She doesn’t want to make this post too long because that makes it difficult for others to read, but i so need to get this out.

 

I went to therapy today with Chloe trying to hide in a corner. My therapist *Lucy* surprised us when she asked why Chloe was hiding. “I’m hiding from the crack in the door where the light comes in”. Instant trigger into huge flashback! WTF?! “I’m back there in my bedroom, in bed, clutching my bear tightly to me. I hear the attic stairs to my room creak. I know he’s coming; he’s coming to get me; he’s coming and he’s gonna hurt me again. I’m waiting for the crack in the door to appear cos i know he’s coming, i know he’s coming. The crack in the door that lets the landing light shine in, just for that moment until he closes the door quietlly behind him and i am plunged into darkness againbut i hear a voicee telling me not to make a sound…his voice. I’m rigid with fear. I can feel the blankets being pulled back and i feel the cold air rush in. Then his breath, his smelly breath, stinking of his pipe and the sherry he had befor dinner tonight. He’s starting to take my jamas off, it’s cold, help, go away daddy, please go away daddy. Peter doesn’t want you to throw him on the floor again, he’ll get cold, i want to cuddle him. Daddy thrown my bear, Peter onto the floor and now he’s climbing into my bed. Noooooo, pleeeease, nooooooooo”.

 

‘Ellie, Ellie, come on back, it’s safe now, you’re sfe now. It’s ok. I’m here’…I hear Lucy’s voice. I’m sitting in my wheelchair, shaking violently, unable to catch my breath. Chloe won’t stop screaming despite Lucy’s assurance. ‘Breathe, Ellie; take a deep breath and trying and come back. Look at me. You”re safe now, Ellie’. 

 

I’m staring out of the window at a tree, tears sstreaming down my face, my nose running. I’, trying to breathe. I try and ground myself, looking around Lucy’s room, at the laamp on the desk, at the chair Lucy is sitting in, at the fluorescent light on the ceiling, anything. I’m breathing but i’m still shaking. I’m having trouble talking anymore, i’m exhausted; but i wrote this poem many years ago, but it wasn’t like this when i wrote it. I was calm, matter-of-fact, almost nonchalant. It was called ‘The Killing’…

He came at first, meekly

Then more than thrice weekly
Before he got into my bed
He attacked in the dark
Like a large, hunting shark
‘Cos he wasn’t quite right in the head

 

My breast-buds he’s licking
His conscience not pricking
When he came and demanded his fill
And I dared not to cry
Though had just reason why
When he came in and went in for the kill

Was I naughty or bad?
‘Cos he was my dad
When he stole my life from me
And still I am paying
The price for not saying
And him taking my liberty

I was young, bone and skin
He’d no morals, just sin
And I was his just for the taking
And when he had fled
Leaving mess in my bed
I lay there and couldn’t stop shaking

And the landing light shone
From the back of beyond
And I knew I was caught in his noose
And mum, she’d be sleeping
Although she’d be peeping
When, with me, he had no more use

And I was so small
And he’d come for it all
I knew then that I couldn’t fight him
And never a tear
Left my eyes with him there
Till the crack in the door let the light in.

 

I don’t want to re-read what i’vee written, i’m still shaking so sorry if there’s mistakes. I just wrote what came out but i can’t write any more. I can’t do this any more. I’ve got to go to bed with Huggy, my now bear. I need to hold him tight to me.

 

JUST FOR TODAY, I NEED YOU BACK

“Just for today, Kathy; i need you back. Just for today…..please. Just for today, i want those boundaries broken, the barriers torn down, the pain gone. I just need your love back. I need to feel you hugging me safe, hugging my inner child safe; telling her it’ll all be ok. I need to feel your motherly kiss on my forehead each time we said goodbye. I need to feel your arms around me, comforting me when i am upset and when i am hurting and to feel your soft hand gently holding mine. I am hurting now, Kathy. I want you back. I know i shouldn’t but i do, i so do today. I loved you, i still love you, although i hate you too, but love and hate run in close lines together. I miss our long Sunday talks on the phone; i miss our neverending texts to each other. Oh, Kathy, why did you leave me? Why did you hurt me so much that day? I needed you more than anything or anyone that day, especially that day of all days, I was in such pain and you could see that and you left me, suddenly, unexpectedly, angrily and there was no goodbye hug with your arms wrapped around me; there was no kiss from my ‘mummy’. You left. You left me. You abandoned me and in hurt so much; it still hurts that much but i tell very few people of the love i had for you. I need you back. Just for today, i need you back”.

 

I spoke with my therapist this morning. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flashback of me curled up tight in my bed as a four year old, in the hope of being invisible, being so small so as not to be seen, hugging my bear so close to me, so very tight as the crack in the door let the light in and suddenly i wasn’t invisible. I wished, i wished, i wished that i was, that he wouldn’t find me, that he wouldn’t hurt me but i had no way of stopping him. He pulled the covers back. I shut my eyes tight, pretending it wasn’t happening as he raped his vulnerable, young, four year old child. My therapist pulled me back to reality. I was shaking so much. Right then i would have welcomed those arms around me, holding me safe; that reassuring kiss on the forehead. Right then, i wanted Kathy back but i knew it was impossible. I cried out “I miss Kathy, i loved her; she was my mummy!”. I was forlorn. My therapist gently reminded me of the reality of what i was saying, the reality of the situation.

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Kathy was my ‘nightmare therapist’ i’ve spoken of before who stormed out on me because i cried when my dad died. The dad who had abused me for so long. That day, that day, i needed her more than anything. And today; just for today, i want her back. I hurt.

 

I’VE BEEN CRAWLING IN THE DARK

All of my life, i feel, has been an uphill struggle to survive. Ever since my last therapist walked out on me on the day of my father’s death (because i was crying), i have been crawling in the dark, trying to find my way out of this nightmare, Ok; i know my father sexually abused me through my entire childhood but i wasn’t crying for the loss of that monster but for the loss of the father i never had and for the loss of my childhood, left in tatters. I lost my therapist, the one i had depended on so much and loved so dearly, on the same day, just hours after my father’s death. I was absolutely devastated by both events.  

 

Since then, i have wanted to break free from my past. I want to stop crawling in the dark where my world is deepest black most of the time and feel the sunlight on my face, smell the flowers and to truly become a survivor rather than the victim i have always been.

(I don’t know if this video link will come into my blog as i’m not sure how to get this right) but please take the time to watch it.

http://youtu.be/dcCOJuDR5Mo

I’m going to fight to get out of this cold, dark tunnel and i won’t  give up until i have achieved this. I know the memories will never go away, the flashbacks and nightmares will still haunt me but i have to fight them with all the strength i can muster, with every bone in my body, every cell in my mind, Give it everything i have got!. I so want to be free.

 

My current therapist is encouraging and has hope in me; she reassures me that i can do this even at my lowest points. She says if i really, truly want it bad enough, that she will help me. I have endured eighteen years of unsuccessful therapy previously but maybe i just wasn’t ready to break free back then. I want to break free now; get out of that dark tunnel and learn to fly like a bird soaring over the treetops. I’ve been crawling in the dark for far too long. 

{Finally, i want you to bear in mind that i have Borderline Personality Disorder and today just happens to be a good and optimistic day. In an hour, a day, a week’s time i could well be back in that mud again. But i do hope not}.

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STOP THE WORLD, I WANNA GET OFF!

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There’s so much in my head tonight. There’s so many blogs whizzing round my head, begging to be written. My head is full of words, images. confusion, ideas, compassion and endless chatter. 

 

I want to write about my hypervigilance which makes me feel mad and paranoid; my stormy relationship with my ex-husband; about an abusive relationship that went pear-shaped recently (not that i care now); i want to write about my relationship with my previous therapist which was unhealthily co-dependant and stuffed full of transference issues (which ended it all, very painfully); my god-awful stays in psychiatric hospital (which ‘officially’ makes me mad/insane). I need to write more about my abuse (there’s still so much of it in my head, crying to get out); I am completely and emotionally wiped out.

 

I’ve got so much going on in my head, the confusion is unbearable! STOP THE WORLD, I WANNA GET OFF! I’m physically, mentally and emotionally fucked! I’ve managed to make one sensible decision at least tonight and that is i am gonna leave you, my blogging buddies, at least for today and I AM GOING TO BED! X

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