‘THE BORDERLINE’ AND FACEBOOK

sometimes when i say i'm okay

BPD and Facebook! Not a good combination when I’m feeling vulnerable. I’d posted the above image on a mental health support page and 51 people ‘liked’ it but not one truly got the message – that I really wasn’t ok and was in need of a hug, all be it virtual. One ‘friend’ cut me off altogether. Such is the capricious nature of Facebook. But, when I’m feeling low, the last thing I need is what to me feels like a ‘kick in the teeth’.

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder); sometimes referred to as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) is now being referred to by my local mental health team as EID which stands for Emotional Intensity Disorder because people such as myself, feel their emotions far more deeply than the majority of the population. I speak for myself, of course.

The first paragraph, above, is just an example of how easily I get affected and upset. That meaningless, minor event has been enough to send me from feeling happy and content with my world to now, feeling alone, hurt and totally rejected, and although I know I get things ‘all out of proportion’, as some would say, I feel it … I really feel it, and it hurts. It hurts, just like if someone had punched me in the back. Emotional pain is just as great as physical pain. In fact, speaking as someone who has a great deal of both, I would say that emotional pain is harder for me to bear than physical pain.

TWO DAYS LATER – I’ve been watching some YouTube videos on all sorts of topics today including mental health issues. One or two videos were quite helpful. However, I saw one that made me angry. I don’t mean the type of ‘raging anger’ that is meant to be ‘typical’ of all people with BPD but isn’t necessarily so. I mean very justifiable anger, I think … you tell me ….

Why? Because one particular five-minute video continually referred to me and other folk with BPD as ‘The Borderline‘, as if I were an object of curiosity in a museum. If we all took that attitude, then would we call other people with illnesses such as pneumonia or cancer by their diagnosis, i.e. how is ‘The Pneumonia‘ today, or, have you spoken to ‘The Cancer‘ this morning? I think not. Am I being unreasonable in asking to be spoken of respectfully, and not just seen as my diagnosis, but, as a warm, thoughtful and reasonably intelligent human being that I try to be to the best of my ability?

man in box

Image courtesy of ibtimes.com

Well … back to where I started – Facebook (friend or foe?). It has its problems; there’s no doubt about that – it certainly gets a mixed review from me. I have made ‘friends’, but I have also lost a few. I’ve read some good articles and posts, and some dreadful, misinformative posts too. I’ve joined and left a few groups over the time I’ve been with FB (far too long, I’m beginning to think). It can bring people together but it probably also causes more wars between them too. I’ve deleted and deactivated my account more times than I can remember and for various reasons but I’m always sucked back into its vices after a few weeks (fickle by name, fickle by nature). 

Social media, in general, has a hell of a lot to answer for; not just Facebook, but also, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google Plus+, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr etc (I have to say I’m not with many of them, though). What about WordPress here, and Blogger etc – do you consider them to be social media in some way too? After all, we have followers that stay, followers that go. Some participate – some sit in the back row and watch – however, both are fine with me. I write because I enjoy it – sometimes I make sense; other times, not so. I have made sense in the past, though – I have written two books a good while ago, both more serious poetry (some of which I’ve shared over the years). Finally, I’ve also been known to rant. However, just now, I think I am mortal danger of beginning to ramble so here I will stop and bid you adieu 🙂 

‘IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS’

brusssels and christmas hats

If I could have a Christmas wish come true just for Christmas Day, it would be to be able to spend that day with all of my family; that’s my son and my two little ones; my daughter, husband and little *J and *B; my Mum and sisters and their families.

Given that this isn’t likely to happen … ever … I’ll quite happily settle for whatever I’m offered (within reason, of course). I do draw the line at hiking to the North Pole to celebrate the festive season with Santa, and an Eskimo in an igloo, even if he does promise to put the two-bar electric heater on and serve the line-caught Arctic Skate with roast parsnips and stuffing.

As you know, my family has always been … well, shall we say … a little dysfunctional thereby not making Christmas the easiest time of the year. We are all so far away from each other that we usually just do our ‘own thing’, which is for me, usually spent on my own which I’ve kind of got used to over the years. It does entail an oven-ready, chicken flavour ready-meal eaten on my lap, in front of my laptop watching a cheesy film in 14″ panoramic view with only the goldfish and my favourite bear for company. Hey ho! Things could be worse.

As it happens, although I’ve been a bit of a bah humbug character this year, suddenly, all that’s changed and if Michael Buble doesn’t mind me pinching his line, ‘It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.’

My son, Tom has decided he’s not going abroad as planned this year for the holiday period, (although he’s obviously devastated not to have his two little ones with him this year as they have been taken overseas by my son’s ex and her family). So, he’s invited me over to his house which entails a two-and-a-half journey each way by car with my wheelchair neatly folded in the back, having strapped both it and me into the car firmly as my son does have a habit of putting his foot down on the pedal rather too eagerly for my liking.

I’m so looking forward to spending Christmas with Tom for the first time since he married his ex-wife (and rather, unfortunately, her mother into the bargain). I’ll have to get my best Christmas jumper out of mothballs, polish up my fluffy red and white Santa hat and don a pair of flashing earrings. I’ll get practising peeling the Maris Piper’s, rush round to the Co-Op for a bottle of non-alcoholic punch and a kilo of Brussel sprouts. I’ll pick up a large box of mince pies, a box of assorted crackers and streamers, a Yule Log with the traditional plastic robin on the top …. and a partridge in a pear tree.

So, for once, at this time of year, ‘It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas’, and my wish to all who may be reading this, a jubilant and blessed Christmas and may all the best things come to you in the New Year.

“RIGHT SAID FRED”!

This is just a very brief post to say sorry to any of my readers who are fed up with ‘watching this space’ while I’ve been faffing about (meaning messing about) over the last few days trying to find a new personality for my page.

Well, here I am, sort of established but still having ‘issues’ with my widgets!! I think it’s taken me two days of trial and error and even now, I’m not 100% satisfied with my new image so anyone with any suggestions (preferably polite and preferably helpful) will be welcomed. I’m a bit of a novice at getting blog pages just right although I have to say WordPress do try to make it fairly simple even for a simple soul such as me, to get it even halfway right! I’m still not sure I am satisfied so you will have to forgive me the possibility of a few more days ‘faffing about’!

This short, comic and very old YouTube video just about sums up my efforts!! 😀

Thank you for bearing with me to all of those who have done so. Love Ellie xxx 🙂

A TANGLE OF WORDS

learn me slowly

I am at a loss today. This isn’t going to be a clever piece of poetry or a blog as such; more a tangle of words because my head is muddied today. Love, compassion, charity, honesty and practising at least one random act of kindness every day are important to me. Friendship too….I have very few close friends but we know each other very well and that’s what matters. I also like my solitude; time to think, feel (not always desirable), dream, hope and more…

When I love, I love with passion in my soul; not a burning desire for sexual intimacy but more burning desire to understand other’s thoughts and feelings. My own, I trash! I’ve been told that I don’t give myself the respect that I give to others. I feel I am not deserving of that. I anger slowly with others, but rapidly and ferociously with myself.

I am confused; I am angry: I am hurting; I have had ‘the book’ thrown at me in this life that I do not desire today. I have been used and abused, beaten, yelled at, abandoned, trodden down, smashed to pieces but I bear no malice and I fear conflict with a very deep rooted fear.

Yet, I know that am, too, a survivor. I know that much although remembering it is not always simple and it is far too easy to slip into the victim role. I do not want to be there! I do not want to be that! I am a tough cookie, so they say.

But still I question, who am I though? Who am I really? I am a daughter who fears terribly the thought of one day soon, not being a daughter anymore because life gets snuffed out as is the order of nature. It is so unfair at times. I am a sister; I am an aunt; I am a mother (all be it unwanted by my children); I am a grandmother (all be it denied me). I am, however, forever blessed in that I am a daughter of God, my Father. I trust God; I’m just not sure I trust the rest of the world.

Am I making any sense? Am I being rational? I think not? Sometimes (like now) I seriously doubt my sanity…I feel so often that my life and my sanity are (in the words of Paul Simon, “Slip, Slidin’ Away”.

Sometimes I wish I was……..

FEELING GOOD!

Well, if you listened to the video clip you know that just for a change, I’m feeling good! :). I have my fair share of problems in life (but then, who doesn’t?) and some of them are serious, some of the fleeting, some of them heartbreaking but today….well, today, I’m feeling good and decided to shout about it (unlike me, I know).

megaphone

When I wrote my last post, I wasn’t feeling too great but some of the comments made by my friends here in blog-land really got me thinking in a positive way! So, today I am making the most of it! Am I on a bit of a high? Well, yes, quite probably but right now, I really don’t care! (Mind you, it’s about two hours after my bedtime but do I care? Does it matter? Nah!).

I’ve had a great day today – I’ve been to church, the first Advent Sunday service which is always special followed by copious amounts of coffee and scrumptious cake. Then I found myself volunteering to go into town with a group of church friends where we had a table and display stand and were helping interested children make felt snowmen or Christmas trees etc, complete with hats for the snowmen and carrots for noses and those wobbly eyes that move when you shake them. We gave out balloons to any passing children (those whose parents didn’t pull their child away as they were too busy xmas shopping!). I felt for those little kids as they gazed at the bright balloons on sticks longingly. Nevertheless, my stint down there for about two hours resulted in the giving away of about fifty-odd balloons and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it! In my distant mind were thoughts of my own grandchildren and how much I would have liked them to be part of all the jollity of it all but I tamed those thoughts and concentrated on my grand balloon achievement :).

Then I set off home in my electric wheelchair, smiling daftly at passers-by with children, still thinking I had balloons to give away….oh! I got really carried away!  I suddenly remembered that I had a friend coming round for coffee in one hour so it was a mad dash home, bombing down the cycle-path at top speed, burning rubber and I didn’t run anyone over in my enthusiasm! I just made it home in time to find above-mentioned friend complete with large parcel which had been delivered. I was thrilled to bits….it was something I had waited ages for and was much needed in my occupation….my shiny new, compact, lightweight laptop had been delivered and when we unpacked it, it was perfect…just what I’d wanted and saved so long for. So, of course that added to the excitement and exuberance of the day. So…..here I am with my eyelids drooping, knowing I have to get up for college tomorrow and I won’t have anywhere enough sleep….but after today, do I care? Nah! I’ve had a wonderful today.

…..and so to bed; well, “time for bed”….said Zebedee (for those of us who are old enough to remember The Magic Roundabout)! Goodnight all x 🙂

happy day

LETTING GO

Letting go of someone you love isn’t easy….It’s heart-wrenching, it’s agony, true heartache. Taking the decision to let go and taking the action is even harder. What do you do when you’ve tried everything in your power to hold on to the hope that that love will somehow be reciprocated but it never is? Letting go is the hardest thing….Let Go Let God.

BD6743-002

I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve cried bucketsful of tears. I’ve hoped, I’ve wished, I’ve prayed. Oh, how I’ve prayed; all through the day to the point where I just cannot think anymore; all through the night until the sun rises and another day dawns. [“Heavenly Father, I hand this situation over to You, for You are stronger than I. My God, You know what has happened. You know what has gone before. Be merciful, I pray, oh Lord. I ask Your forgiveness for both myself and my children. In Jesus’ name, Amen”].

You may think me heartless; callous even, but there is only so much pain and rejection and hurt I can take. I am immersed in a sea of emotions which surround me; the murky waters reaching up to my chin, waves threatening to engulf me. My children cause me so much pain and suffering. If I don’t let go, I will surely drown. If I drown, I am of little use to any other person on this planet. My son and my daughter refuse to have anything to do with me. I’ve recently been ill and in hospital and now I’ve been home for a week, and neither of them have phoned, text’d, emailed, sent a card. Not a word. I love them. I will always love them, from the very bottom of my heart. I will miss them. A part of me has died for each grandchild I have lost in this manner. I’ve no idea how my little ones are – I’ve no way of finding out and it’s killing me and dragging me back down the hole I have fought for so many years to get out of. Both my psychiatrist and my GP say I need to let go to maintain my mental health. Easy to say the words, I thought; difficult, oh, so hard to take the action needed. My door will remain open forever, my loves, should you choose to come back; my love will be there always….it will never fade or lessen.

So, I have to say, my darlings, my precious ones, I will set you free. This is what you have requested (no contact). I don’t pretend to know why, nor to understand. I’ve prayed for your peace of mind, for your salvation. But all to no avail. I cannot hold you back any longer. I set you free although it shatters my heart into a million pieces to do so…..

Banksy balloon

 Sorry seems to be the hardest word…….

THE WANDERER RETURNS :)

Well, I have been away for over a week (not long I suppose…) and in that time, I’ve been taking a wander around my life and made some decisions. For a start, I thought I’d choose a new ‘Theme’ for what will hopefully be a fresh start. The stars in the night sky give me hope for the future which is why I chose this image for my new style blog. You’ll see I’ve changed the blog topic name to ‘A little bit of this and a little bit of that’ because that’s what I want to attempt to write about.

I chose this video clip as it shows Julie Andrews returning to the children and all of them remembering their favourite things and the tone of the song goes from being a little sombre to purely delightful. I wish, I hope, I pray that this joy reaches out to touch you all and to touch me equally, dear friends.

I know my past happened and I cannot forget it but I want to move on and write about other things too and not stay trapped in the misery of my past. And yes, I have to say that I can’t just run away from my mental health problems. I still, of course, have Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder (DDNOS) and these conditions play a big part in my life as they always have done.

I want to be able to write about ‘a little bit of this and a little bit of that’ and have some lighter moments and reflections to balance out the not so good days. Oh, I realize this may be no mean feat but I have therapy every week and that’s where I should be dealing with the skeletons of my life, rather than reliving them over and over in misery here,

So, a fresh start? I do hope so. I intend it to be one. I realize that some of my followers may no longer be interested in what I write about but then, I hope they’ll also be some new ones that hop on board for the ride along with, of course, my stalwart friends who have hung around long enough to see me return.

I’m way behind with all your emails and posts and realistically know that I cannot possibly catch up with all the news of your past week and more so apologies there and I didn’t intend to offend any of you. Hopefully, as my head starts to clear and the stars in the sky shine through the darkness of the night then perhaps both you and I can start to remember a few of our favourite things.

Have missed you and am sending *HUGS* to you all xxx 🙂

CHANGES…

So much is going on in my life at the moment….so many changes, that I haven’t had time to write my blog for nearly a week which is unlike me. My world has been totally upside-down these last few days. I could sort of see it coming from a distance yet felt powerless to stop it all going on. Sometimes change is necessary, either because it’s out of our hands and something in our lives isn’t right or a change of direction, a detour down an unknown avenue etc has to happen for a reason..

Firstly, at some point, I almost lost my faith, not quite completely but near enough. It didn’t feel good – I felt like a boat drifting in a turbulent sea with no anchor to fasten me to reality. I’ve posted about my faith before. It matters to me although for a while, back there, I felt I had abandoned it or somehow it had abandoned  me. I knew there was still a small spark left but felt completely lost. I’ve spent weeks adrift from my old church and was visiting others in the area where I searching for that place of worship that fulfilled both my spiritual needs and my social ones. My search proved fruitless and I was drifting further and further away from God.

(c) Thomas (Tom) Henry Roskell; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

Running concurrently alongside this was the fact that my Care Agency decided to dump me with only one week’s notice. This wasn’t because I had been rude or abusive in any way, nor because I was a nuisance but because I had a voice and spoke up for myself, assertively but politely and the Manager didn’t like hearing the truth about her failing agency (due to them not taking care of their staff thereby enabling them to do a good job….they just were not given the time and everything had to be done at break-neck speed and therefore not thoroughly). I won’t go into details about the lack of care and respect to myself and my home that I experienced….suffice it to say, it left a hell of a lot to be desired.

Meanwhile, as far as my family life was concerned….no change there! I haven’t seen my children or grandchildren for best part of a year now. Although I am trying my best to come to terms with the fact that this is going to be what my son and daughter want, it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell.

Other changes were afoot also but I won’t go into them here for fear of boring the pants off my readers.

Something needed to change but did I have the courage to deal with it all? It seemed not at the time but apparently (so i’ve been told), I am a strong person despite the fact that I feel like a mouse in a world of lions.

I decided to go back to my old church and although it is not perfect (but then is anything perfect?), I have to say walking back through those doors did feel like ‘coming home’ and I know I have made the right decision, with God’s guidance.

As for my Care Agency, I think it might be for the good after all as I have found a different agency, all be it at short notice, who seem far better and who are starting with me on Monday morning. I’ve met my new carer and we really get on well.

So, I guess it goes to show, change (all be it difficult sometimes) can be for the better. Perhaps…..just perhaps, this is the beginning of a positive upturn to my life and I now for certain that I need God by my side. 🙂

ANGRY – I’M DEAD IN THE WATER / I’M GOING SLIGHTLY MAD (VIDEOS)

Often lately, I have been thinking that for how much my children care or rather do not care about me, I may just as well be dead in the water, as the song says. Would I missed? No, I think not. At least, not by them. I know I have some good friends and I appreciate that so much but it doesn’t take the pain away. Am I angry? Yes, I am. I am angry at my children for depriving me of my grandchildren.

I’m angry with my care agency for not doing their job properly, not my carers (they are all great). It’s the bloody management who don’t bloody well look after their staff so their staff are all leaving in droves and I can’t say I blame them!

I’m angry with my church for not even noticing that I haven’t been there for the last six weeks, and now; now that I’ve let on (I thought, confidentially) to someone that I was leaving as I’ve found a much more supportive church; now, the phone rings at 7.15pm. I can see that it’s my church but I don’t pick up. The Minister has left a message saying she just wanted to talk to me about something and she wondered how I was…NOW? 

I am just so angry….I’m angry with life in general. I’m angry at the world! I’m not feeling sorry for myself…I’m just feeling utterly and thoroughly pissed off by everything in my life! I’m so angry that I’m in the state of mind that I don’t really care whether I’m here (as in alive and breathing), or not. In fact the idea of being ‘dead in the water’ quite appeals at this current moment.

I think I’m going slightly mad! I feel like an unexploded time-bomb, detonated and primed to off at any minute….any minute now. What do you do with yourself when yo feel like this? Answers on a postcard….