“As you move towards this new chapter of life, I hope you learn how to let go of the idea that it’s too late.”
Unknown
When I first started my blog, eight years ago, it was certainly a very dark space to be in and my posts attracted a following of very hurt and equally damaged people, also in their own dark worlds. After very many years, I decided that I didn’t want to live like this anymore, so, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I read endless books (my favourite being, ‘The Mother Tree’ by Suzanne Simard), trawled through various websites and signed up for lots of courses. In the early days, they were topics like improving self-confidence, building good self-esteem, assertiveness training etc. (That last one was a toughie and one I never quite got my head around!). Oh, well, you can’t win them all!!
Then, I started signing up for courses on subjects that interested me. At the time, we were in lockdown so many of these courses had to be on Zoom. That was a challenge in itself but one, I quickly overcame. I did a lot of nature courses; I learned about British trees, wildflowers, fungi [fascinating], the islands around Britain, rivers and waterways; and then, there were things like aromatherapy for beginners, learning about crystals and fossils (that was spurred on by my nine-year-old granddaughter’s interest and determination to be a paleontologist when she grows up!) Quite impressive for a nine-year-old, I think. Now, I’m taking part in a series of writing courses, not so much spelling and grammar, but more creativity and thought expression. I’m in my element!
This was a simple poem I wrote a short time ago while I was digging deep inside of myself to find the ‘real’ me.
Turning life around was tough; so difficult to do
Secrets and nightmares, tar-black and sadly true
I’ve been through hell and trauma, and dealt with so much pain
Now, I’m learning to trust myself all over again
The thieves have all left and the abusers have gone
I’m free to dream and dance, and gently walk on
A brand-new life is waiting patiently for me
As I discover better and smarter ways to be
Such beauty to see in this new world of mine
Blue seas, emerald forests, beasts of every design
A pale waxing moon and the glory of the sun
My heart, soul and mind, all united as one
Now, I’ve so much to love and so much affection
Searched deep inside, and found a new direction
I’m joyfully grateful; perhaps, even wise
I’m honest and open, no need for disguise
Living my life now without shame or disgrace
Treading my new path; no blame at this place
Letting go of the guilt; being rid of the dismay
Searching out truths; at last, finding my way
If you knew me back then, eight long years ago
You’d know how hard I’ve fought, albeit progress was slow
See how much I’ve grown by the sweat of my brow
Judge me not as I was, but rather where I am now.
Essentially Ellie 
A ha, I have so much trouble with assertiveness as well, but I guess that just means I have something to improve on. Great poem, by the way. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Stuart. Thanks so much for your kind comment. I’m glad I’m not alone with my hopelessness at being an assertive person 😉 But, there is always room for improvement, as they say, and something to work on, as you mentioned. I’m glad you liked my poem too. Hope you have a great day!
A good poem, Eliie, and I love the positive, hopeful, feel to it. There is much to be said for doing what you’re attracted to, what you enjoy.
And, at the age of nine, I was determined to be a palaeontologist!
Thanks very much, Mick. Yes, I think you’re right – I’ve spent my whole life, up until now, dealing with all the rubbish that I’ve been through, so now, at the ripe ‘old’ age of 64, I’ve decided to leave that in the past where it belongs and concentrate on things that bring me joy 🙂 Of course, life isn’t always a bowl of cherries but I’m just learning that there are so many positives to be grateful for. I find that if I mostly keep a positive mindset, it helps me to fixate less on the awful things that we get thrown from time to time. It’s a bit of a challenge at times but one I’m prepared to tackle now. Let’s hope I’ve got plenty of years left to enjoy what I’m doing now! X 🙂
Yes, I know it’s necessary to deal with things that have been troubling and upsetting, but if you can reach that point where you can accept they’re in the past, now, and that you’re going to focus on the present, that should be a good way forward (as long as you’re not clinging onto feelings and issues best tackled).
I meant to add, have you spent many years of your life up to your elbows in fossils and dinosaur remains? X 😉
Most of my time up until I was nineteen, when I went to university to study geology. Once I was there, I was put off by the amount of chemistry, physics and maths involved and dropped out. I still have an interest, but it was never professional.
This is beautiful. You are a beautiful soul. ❤️
A brand new life is waiting for you, true!!
Keep pushing forward and best wishes.
Thank you, Devang, and thank you for stopping to read my blog. You’re very kind. Ellie 🙂
You are amazing too!!! Best wishes, keep smiling.
Thank you. Very best wishes to you also. Hope you are well. Ellie 🙂
Powerful, that last line brought it home “Judge me not as I was, but rather where I am now. ” Yes , these words I write won’t do this poem justice…. Brava!💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💜💜💜💜💜😊🌹
Thank you, Krissy. People used to judge my damaged behaviour quite harshly at one point, so that line is very important to me. I’ve come a long way in those last eight years and am working hard to build a new life for myself now. Hence, this poem. Thank you for such kind words, again. Xx ❤ ❤
most welcome 💙💙💙💜🌹