Tag: illness

The Waiting Game

Firstly, let me thank all my friends here and readers for your patience while I am absent from many of your blogs and commenting. Also, even more importantly, a huge thank you for continuing to keep me in your thoughts and prayers and for all your good wishes. They are all so much appreciated and much-needed right now.

As most of you will know, I have been waiting for my CT scan /colonograph results for the last two weeks. The scan was done as a result of having signs of bowel cancer. I was told at the time, I would receive a letter in that time, giving me my results. So far, nothing …

… until a letter from the hospital dropped through the letterbox this morning. My heart was in my mouth, and I was full of trepidation, not knowing what to expect. I phoned my friend, as I was too scared to get the results alone. On opening it, I saw it was from the NHS gastroenterology department, as expected. However, instead of my results, it was a letter giving me a routine appointment for the 22nd of April – six weeks’ time! I thought perhaps a mistake had been made and I phoned the consultant’s secretary and left a message. So far, I haven’t had a callback. So, I phoned ‘appointments’ to see if I could get an earlier slot, but, no, nothing – there were no earlier appointments for that department for anyone.

So, here I am, none the wiser and left dangling in limbo for six weeks. The long wait feels unbearable right now. I am despairing.

Logic is trying to tell me that, surely, if I had cancer, they would have seen me earlier than that, but it’s the being left hanging in mid-air that’s so difficult to manage emotionally. My mind obviously isn’t very logical at the moment.

I’ve been doing my utmost to stay positive and was helped and comforted by all of your kind thoughts and prayers. I’d even started to read one of two blogs again, although I haven’t always left comments. Nevertheless, reading your work has been a refreshing distraction for me while all of this uncertainty is going on.

Now, my brain feels scrambled, my anxiety levels have shot through the roof, and my concentration has fallen into my boots. Where do I go from here? The waiting feels unbearable. The two-week wait felt painful enough, but now that I have another six weeks to wait, it feels like agony.

Apologies To All

Dearest Friends and Readers,

Just to say I’m sorry that I’m not able to write or read your wonderful work and emails today; maybe tomorrow or possibly until I’ve been to the hospital on Saturday for my CT to rule out cancer. I doubt I’ll get the results on the same day, anyway. I expect they have to be sent to the consultant or, possibly, my GP.

My concentration and brighter mood, when I wrote my last post has currently gone awry, and depression has set in, although I’m determined this won’t be a permanent state of mind. I’m naturally worried, although I’m convincing myself it won’t be cancer. No one in my family has had cancer, apart from my father, who had brain and lung cancer, but only for a few weeks before he died at the age of 86. The lung cancer had almost certainly been caused by continually smoking a pipe with strong tobacco from the age of seventeen until his last days. I can’t, honestly, recall ever seeing him without a pipe, either puffing smoke or hanging out of the corner of his mouth.

My mind is in a very fickle state at the moment, so who knows? I might find myself writing something bright and cheerful tomorrow. Alternatively, it might be a more sombre post. On the other hand, there might be simply a somewhat uncomfortable silence for a few days.

So, Friends, please forgive my absence once again. I will be back before too long. I hope you’re having a good day, evening, or night’s sleep, depending on where you are on this precious planet of ours.

With my fondest love and hugs to you all ~ Ellie Xxxx 💙💜💙

Here We Go Again …

In writing this post, I feel that I’ve let all my wonderful and beautiful friends down, as you and I, too, ‘planned’ for 2024 to be a better year, and here I am, dashing all those hopes within four days of this new year. As you know I write and speak from my soul and my heart, and I feel that I know you all well enough to be honest with you and not just pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

As I’d said, I’d put all my hopes in 2024 being a better year health-wise. But … here we go again …

I woke up on New Year’s Day, feeling perfectly normal, apart from having Covid and still having anorexia. I have a wonderful new counsellor, Liz, who is also an eating disorders specialist and a nutrtionist. Perfect for me. I really like her and she’s been so much help and support to me.

Being anorexic, I weigh myself every morning. I’ve been 6st 6lb (40kg), which I recognise is underweight, for a few weeks. SUDDENLY … there I was, standing on the bathroom scales, weighing 7st 2lb (45kg). I’d gained half a stone overnight!! It didn’t seem possible. Surely, there had to be a reason. I moved the scales around the bathroom floor, hoping they’d read less, and then I changed the batteries in case that was the cause. Still no change. I was absolutely distraught. I hadn’t eaten more than the little I usually eat on the day before, so that wasn’t the cause.

In a state of sheer panic, I called Liz, who hadn’t heard of this happening to anyone else before and told me to see my doctor. I’ve seen three doctors already this week, none of whom know what this is. I’ve got to have blood tests on Monday to check my kidneys, amongst other things. I have no fluid retention, though, no puffy ankles or wrists, etc. It’s a mystery, and for me, an absolutely petrifying one.

I feel totally out of control of my own body. I’m hardly eating for fear of gaining more weight, and I’m drinking extra coffee and dandelion tea and taking potassium, all of which help with fluid retention if it was that, but it’s not, so nothing has changed.

One or two suggestions have been made -a pituitary or adrenal gland tumour (either could be benign or malignant) or a condition called Cushing’s Disease or Cushing’s Syndrome – all severe conditions that need extensive investigation and aggressive treatment, if it happens to be that. As you may know, the British National Health System cogs move very slowly, so I won’t get any answers for quite a while.

In the meantime, my intention to have a normal, healthy life has been crushed entirely flat. I don’t know if anyone here has had any of these conditions, or knows of anyone that has, I would be very grateful if you could contact me via my ‘Contact Me’ page. I’m trying not to give up hope, although it’s a real struggle right now. I don’t feel sorry for myself – there are far more people worse off than me. I’m just terrified. I still want to be here to support my loyal and wonderful friends along their own travels.

I’ve written a poem about this situation, which I will share in separate post, as I recognise this post is considerably lengthy.

So, once again, I have to ask for your forgiveness and patience if I can’t keep up with reading posts and commenting, although I will do my darndest to be there for you all in your journeys, offering all the love and support I can muster.

I love you all very dearly, my precious friends and buddies ~ Ellie Xxxx 🖤

Merry Festivities To You All

Dear Friends and Blogging Buddies,

I really wanted to write a positive post or poem to wish you all a very happy Christmas, but my having Covid this Christmas, an as yet undiagnosed autoimmune disease and ongoing abdominal obstruction issues, this was about the best I could manage. I feel really dreadful, so I won’t write much. In the New Year, I will have some more tests done to see what is going on with me.

In the meantime, thank you so, so much to all of you for being so patient in waiting for me to reply to your comments and emails and please, forgive me for not reading your posts for ages.

Once some light has been shone on what is wrong with me and perhaps being given appropriate medication or treatment if needed, and the Covid is better, I hope to get more back to my usual routine. I’ve missed writing so much, even though my fingers don’t work as they used to, so I’m a lot slower. Thank goodness for spellcheck and Grammarly. I’ve really missed interacting with all of you and thank you for sticking by me despite the length of time I’ve been absent and non-productive.

I WISH YOU ALL WONDERFULLY MERRY FESTIVITIES, WHATEVER YOU CELEBRATE AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR AND A VERY HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE NEW YEAR 🥰🎄💝.

With all my love and hugs, Ellie Xxxxx 💓🤗💓😍💓🥰💓😘💓

Hospital Stay

Just to let my friends and readers know, I’ve been in hospital for the last few days. I eventually got home at 2.30pm this afternoon. I was very fortunate that a friend picked me up and brought me home.

My journey there had been in an ambulance, so quite different. I was in a lot of pain and was given morphine and something to stop the sickness. (As you may have heard, in the UK, with the Covid numbers going up again and the current bitterly cold weather, the ambulances sit queuing in the parking bays for long periods of time before you even get taken to A & E.) However, I’m thankful the wait isn’t as long as it was in the height of the original Covid period a couple of years ago.

Even being in a lot of pain, you have to queue up in A & E (Accident and Emergency in the UK or The Emergency Room in the US, etc.) for several hours, obviously, unless you are at risk of dying. I was in my manual wheelchair with an overnight bag, and my handbag piled onto my lap, which wasn’t helping my excruciating stomach condition. I had to have lots of tests, x-rays, scans, blood tests, ultrasound, etc., to find out what the cause was.

Eventually, I got allocated a bed on a ward and once they had worked out from the results of the tests what the cause of the pain was, I was given the correct treatment, and a few hours later, I began to feel a bit better. I’d tried to sleep on the ward, as the pain had absolutely shattered me, but it was too noisy. I was very glad to have my phone with me as I had nothing else to occupy me and no visitors. However, the second night, probably through sheer exhaustion, I did get some sleep.

Finally, I was so glad to get home to my house and to see my cat, Peanut, again. I’d left her with two bowls full of meat, biscuits and water, and my friend had come in on the second day to top up her food and give her a bit of fuss. I think she missed me, as she’s been sitting close to me for much of the day.

(I don’t seem to be having much luck with my health, mental or physical, this year – and that’s an understatement, I think you’d agree – I can’t help but wonder what else could go wrong before this year is out and the New Year begins. Perhaps I should take to my bed and not move until January 1, 2024!)

I have left the comments open if you feel you’d like to respond, but please accept my apologies in advance if I cannot reply to them all properly at this time. I’m afraid I don’t have any idea when I’ll be back to regular writing and blog reading at this point. I hope I don’t have to wait until 2024, but nothing would surprise me, the way things are going. (Please, forgive my absence from your blogs).

Up Sticks

This is a short, sincere and genuine letter to you all
I need to be deeply honest and not put up any walls
I know you may be tired of listening to my woes
If it were me, myself and I, I would be, too, I suppose.
~~~

Shall I leave this world of blogs, up sticks and go away
I’m struggling to keep up with you all every single day
I know my anorexia is affecting the way I’m thinking
My ability to keep up is permanently shrinking

I’ve taken breaks of different lengths; I can’t keep taking more
Blogging, for many years, was the thing I most adored
Now, I’m not even reading those bloggers I like most
I wish I could excuse myself and go live by the coast

This is my way of saying sorry for letting you all down
Please don’t be cross with me and look at me and frown
I never thought my anorexia would show its face again
It’s a complicated illness, and you may view it with disdain

Please forgive me for my failings and my lack of interaction
I wish I could read your work, but my illness causes distraction
My mind just isn’t working as far as concentration goes
Is another break in order, or should this blog just close?



Fading (A Poem)

Fading into the ether
Heart at the point
of giving up

The pain is tremendous
Yet, I am the one at fault
My soul pleads and cries out

No words of comfort
of my own, can I find
Greedy for the words of others

Selfishness
Guilt eats away at my psyche
as the darkness falls

Sleep evades me
Exhaustion grasps my days
Body aches, expectedly so

Failing~fooling myself
Failing~fooling my kith and kin
Hidden behind a smile and a giggle.
 



Anorexia … A Pinch Of Hope (A Poem)

I’ve been here twice before, but so much worse
Battling against the demon of anorexia’s curse
This disease, a painful, cruel and relentless foe
Whispers lies where fragility may well grow

It’s not, for me, just about being skinny or thin
It’s about the amount of control I have within
The world outside may see just skin and bone
Yet inside, my true, actual self remains unknown

A secret kept tight from all my true-life friends
With layered clothing, that’s how I can pretend
My cheery voice with laughs and happy conversation
Deeply disguises the truth of this toxic situation

Emotional pain suffocates my heart and head
Unable to sleep and loathe to rise from my bed
Each dawn, I stand on the scales and read my weight
Then, before me sits a hollow spoon and empty plate

In this battle that anorexia dishonestly denies
Causes every tear to stream and fall from tortured eyes
The torment of anorexia causes never-ending pain
Where amongst the misery of it all, the shadows reign

From the depths of darkness comes a pleading cry
An anguished soul stares up into the darkest sky
Yet here I stand amongst my WordPress community
With love, support, encouragement at every opportunity

My gratitude extends so far and as wide as the sea
The friendship, care and thought being offered to me
Give me hope for one day soon to reach recovery
When my head clears sufficiently to find my remedy.




Thank You To Each And Every One Of You

Hoooraaay!! I am now officially Covid-free! I still feel rather wiped out and my appetite hasn’t returned yet, but I’m sure it will soon.

I have so many of you to thank for your good wishes for when I was first ill and then, so many of you who sent me lovely and kind birthday wishes when I was still Covid Positive.

I would dearly love to reply personally to each one of you, but I am so touched and blessed in having nearly fifty comments from you all and I don’t yet have the energy to reply to you all individually. Please, forgive me this, perhaps, rudeness. I don’t mean to be ungrateful.

I will do my best to catch up on some of your posts, but it’s more likely that I will have to begin again today and tomorrow to keep up with your current and upcoming posts. Sorry to those of you whose recent posts I’ve missed.

So, here are my sincere and loving thanks and a {{{group hug}}} as the band of blogging friends that we are. I dearly love you all ~ Ellie Xxx 💖💐💖🥰💝🥰💖💐💖

Covid – Positive

Hello, dear friends, bloggers and readers,

I was feeling poorly yesterday and hardly got any work done on my blog, either writing or reading your works. I didn’t think much of it until I started to feel worse in the afternoon. However, my symptoms weren’t the classic ones as I was just feeling very sick and nauseous and had a crashing headache 🤢. I didn’t think much of it, although I did tell one of my friends here that I’d had contact with someone who then turned out to be positive for Covid.

I didn’t sleep well and woke with a sore throat, swollen glands, headache and achey muscles 🤒. My neighbour picked me up some Covid tests this morning, as I’d run out and hey presto … I’m positive – two clear red lines 😷. Dammit! So, here I am isolating from everyone except my cat. I know the government say we don’t have to isolate anymore but I wouldn’t want to be responsible for giving this to anyone else.

I’ve been one of the lucky ones so far (I’ve had all my jabs) in that I haven’t had it before at all, but I guess it was bound to happen at some point. I’m sitting here in my winter pyjamas and woolly dressing gown, feeling chilly and am going up to have a nap this afternoon, as I have no energy.

So, please excuse my absence from WordPress until I feel better. I’m not going to be able to catch up on all your blogs that I intended to read today, nor write much for myself. Hopefully, it’ll pass quickly and I’ll be back with you all again soon.

Take care of yourselves. Sending much love and hugs, Ellie Xxx 💗😘🌈🙏🏻🌈😘💗